[TXguy]

So at risk of being feathered and tarred as a male chauvinist POS SOB...

I was 23 when I married my wife of 19. Yes we were young. And she was quite literally one of the hottest women on campus. She was a size 2. Everyone told me I was the luckiest man at the college marrying a woman who looked like she did. More importantly she is a quality person. She has no enemies and is friends to everyone.

But I'm 50 now and she's 46. She's still really good looking for 46. But I guess after 28 years of marriage - seeing, smelling, witnessing things that disgust me (and I'm sure she'd claim the same), I simply don't desire her much sexually. In fact it seems rather gross to be often. Of course that doesn't mean I don't love her. I believe love is a verb. It's not something you feel - it's something that you do. Never are we promised positive, highly-charged feelings from now on, and in fact that is impossible. Can't happen.

So, where do I go from here? I assume I need to attend to her sexual needs (service her) as she is in the mood (which isn't very often, and for perhaps the same reason!)?

Does anyone else experience this in their marriage?

No, we aren't divorcing. No, I'm not going to have an affair with a hot babe.

[jns]

What exactly disgusts you about her? I've been married to my wife for 27 years and I am not disgusted about her.

[Claret]

Yes, I'm thinking the same things jns. If it disgusts you and the same for her, then I'd think a clean up in your acts is in order. After 27 years, I agree, I think we tend to get lax about certain things, but there are the other individual basics that should never be let go. If it is these basic personal things, you both need a wake up call. If it's just that there are no surprises anymore you both could benefit from a revitalization.

Prior to responding any further I think more information is required.

[Stillness]

Never are we promised positive, highly-charged feelings from now on, and in fact that is impossible. Can't happen.

Disagree.

This is like saying you won't always have tasty, nutritious meals to eat. If you put forth the effort and don't get in the habit of eating junk food all day, you can eat well. Barring some kind of unexperpcted health event or accident, you can keep your marriage "positive and highly charged."

[atskitty2]

I agree that we need more information before I can really comment in any meaningful way.

I think we need some clarification on the what, when things began changing and what else is going on in your lives.

While we aren't consistently in the same frame of passion, the wax and waning of feelings over years can be a very normal thing, and very healthy. If things have gone altogether, for an extended period of time, then some counseling or self evaluation may be needed.

[amy40]

read back through your posts, is your wife still sick or has she gotten better?

[jns]

read back through your posts, is your wife still sick or has she gotten better?

It was very interesting to read the previous posts. Here is one: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...-done-with-sex

[TXguy]

I am pretty sure I have hang-ups that could be diagnosed in some way. I am big on physical appearance or it's just really hard for me to get sexually charged. No, I don't surf porn. When I am in gatherings of people - other couples - I frequently ask myself "how do these guys have sex with these women...they are all so fat and gross!" I know that sounds terrible shallow and indeed it is, but it's hard to change how one feels. After 27-28 years, you've seen your wife give birth, puke, fart, and pretty much everything else. You have love, but sexual desire? Nah. Of course she could say the precise same thing about me. I'm no body builder, though I am not fat and have taken care of myself (as has she other than chronic health problems). Yes she still has those. Recently, it was a spine surgery. So she's been pretty much laid up for 6 weeks and is just now getting around. Still can't sleep in a bed.

I still love her and I'll always stay with her of course, but sexual desire? That boat sailed. We enjoy the same things - eating out, walking, traveling. But wanting to tear the clothes off? No, that started going bye-bye about the time the kids came along.

Does this make sense?

[amy40]

"how do these guys have sex with these women...they are all so fat and gross!"

have been to more than one wedding where the couple getting married were both fairly heavy. Not just overweight, but heavy. Both weddings, the couples seemed in love and my guess were planning on having sex, although I didn't ask.
have also seen some gorgeous women marry very plain nondescript men. And some might think why is that beautiful woman marrying that man?
If only models and "beautiful" people got married, there'd be very few children in the world.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

(sorry your wife developed health problems)

[Stillness]

I remember you now and understand your situation a little better.

We've never had kids, so I don't know what that's like from experience. My best friend growing up was really messed up about his wife having their first baby. I'll never forget the look on his face immediately after. It was like he had given birth. He struggled with sex after seeing that. I think that's normal.

The way you're sensitive about looks, I think I am with smells, cleanliness, and hygiene. Shortly after we were married, my wife used the bathroom while I was in the shower. I had to tell her to never, ever, ever do that again. We almost didn't make it through the dating stage because of the smell when she eats garlic. To this day, we still have issues with her breath and hygeine. When she gets a day off with nothing to do or when she's sick, she likes to skip bathing. It drives me up a wall.

I know that I'm a bit extreme about this stuff, so I just try to be patient and understanding. And she tries hard to please me, so if she skips a shower every couple of months I try to keep in mind that it's not the end of the world and just stay away from her. I treat her like I want to be treated and most of the time she reciprocates, even if it's reluctantly. Like if we're going to have sex, I brush my teeth even though she doesn't want me to because it's what I expect from her. If I get any hint of some meat she had from a meal, I struggle to perform and don't enjoy things much.

When I'm around certain friends and smell their breath I feel horrible for them and their mates. I can't see how it's possible that they can stand to be near them, let alone being intimate.