[summer21031985]

jane86 what I think is that gradually your husband is being deprived of his sexual pleasures with you. He would love to try each and everything with you instead of hearing that you are doing all this stuff with your lover but not allowing him to do all stuff. If you would try to enjoy it with your husband and then actually enjoyed doing it with lover I guess there would be no issue with your husband. Give a thought.

[jane86]

jane86 what I think is that gradually your husband is being deprived of his sexual pleasures with you. He would love to try each and everything with you instead of hearing that you are doing all this stuff with your lover but not allowing him to do all stuff. If you would try to enjoy it with your husband and then actually enjoyed doing it with lover I guess there would be no issue with your husband. Give a thought.

Thanks for your words, I understand you just want to help.

As I said it's difficult for me to explain how we got to this point and why the arrangement we have at the moment works for us, even though I realise it must sound wrong and unsustainable to most people in conventional relationships. After all I was in one myself until very recently and if I'd read some of the stuff I've written on this forum just a few months ago, I'd have been horrified. I probably wouldn't have judged because I'm not that kind of person, but I wouldn't have understood.

But please believe that I love my husband more than anything and I want him to be happy, emotionally and sexually. I'm not imposing any of this on him, it's what he wants right now. Maybe things will change, and if they do we'll adapt. I believe our relationship is very strong, perhaps now more than ever. The two of us not having intercourse doesn't change that. If anything, the fact that we can both accept that intercourse or blowjobs don't have to be part of our relationship shows that our bond doesn't rely on physical gratification, but something deeper and more meaningful.

[summer21031985]

jane86 I do really appreciate your concern about your husband needs and how nicely you are managing all these things..I hope your love and affection for each other wouldn't affect a inch in such situation. It's your needs which are being fulfilled by your lover which your husband too accepting it to some extent.How often are you having intercourse with your lover.? Don't you think that you may reached in sometime at the point where your lover's sexual intercourse became your daily need in such situation how would you manage it ? Have you give a thought to that .?

[jane86]

jane86 I do really appreciate your concern about your husband needs and how nicely you are managing all these things..I hope your love and affection for each other wouldn't affect a inch in such situation. It's your needs which are being fulfilled by your lover which your husband too accepting it to some extent.How often are you having intercourse with your lover.? Don't you think that you may reached in sometime at the point where your lover's sexual intercourse became your daily need in such situation how would you manage it ? Have you give a thought to that .?

Yes I do think about it. I freely admit that at the moment I am finding myself quite addicted to the sex I'm having with my lover. I am limiting myself to two sessions per week, so for example I saw him yesterday and I'm planning to see him again on Friday. Any more, and I'd start to worry that I'm neglecting my family obligations, and I've already explained how important the wellbeing of my kids is to me.

But even when I'm not seeing him, I think about him often. What we did last time, what we might do next time. I then become mentally and physically aroused, and usually have to masturbate to get relief. As I said, I do this in front of my husband as part of our games, but I also do it on my own at various points in the day, whenever the urge becomes too strong.

I totally see how this might be an indication of the onset of a sex addiction, so of course I'm keeping an eye on it to make sure it doesn't get out of control. My OH knows about it too, I've not made a secret of my frequent masturbations as I know he finds it hot, but he also realises there's a serious side to it in terms of the grip that these sexual thoughts seem to have on me.

Right now I'm not overly concerned by the persistence of these thoughts, as I think it's simply down to the novelty of what I'm experiencing, the excitement of it and the intensity of the sessions, and I fully expect things to normalise over time. Hopefully it will never become boring, otherwise I'll be back to square one, but I do need to gain better control of my mental arousal so it doesn't rule my life. I want this to be fun, not obsessive. There's no fun in addiction.

[summer21031985]

jane86 That's good that you have also considered that situation as well. Did your lover enjoying giving pleasure to you or he is just doing it for your pleasure ? Did you think that what if your lover addicted to sex with you and he started to ask you to visit him daily? I guess he too is enjoying it more then yourself. The way you have explained above and I guess the sex with you is addictive so might be after sometime you may became the daily need of your lover.

[jns]

I think we're in a pretty good place right now in terms of my husband's acceptance of our new lifestyle. I've been trying to go easy on him, without being totally dishonest. I still tell him what I get up to because he insists he wants to hear about it, but I try not to make it sound as though the sex I have with my lover blows my mind every single time.

In answer to jns's question, it has't made my husband better at sex. Actually the truth is he hasn't initiated sex since I've started seeing my lover regularly. I know some people will say this rings alarm bells, that what I'm doing is destroying his sexual confidence and our intimacy, but no one understands our personal situation like we do. I don't know if I can explain it but I can try, in case anyone else reading this might relate and find it helpful.

As I mentioned previously, my husband was already losing confidence and actually losing interest in intercourse, long before the whole threesome thing came about. I know because we've talked about it at length now and he's finally opened up to me. He still finds me attractive but doesn't often feel the need for actual intercourse. He's perfectly happy watching me masturbate and touching himself, he can tell I get more pleasure that way anyway. Which is true by the way. If I had to choose between intercourse with him and bringing myself off, I'd choose the latter every time. I'm not ashamed to admit that, I just don't feel the need to have him inside me and when I do, it just feels wrong. It's not a physical thing, I can't stress that enough. I just don't fancy him in that way anymore. But that doesn't mean I don't love him.

Anyway the point is, for years he could sense that I wasn't really enjoying sex with him anymore and he tried to come up with more and more ways to spice things up, including the threesome idea. It was all for my benefit, not his.

So now we're in this situation where my needs for intercourse are being more than met and he can basically relax about it. So it's very chilled out between us now. We still get naked, I masturbate, tell him stuff and he gets off on all that. I keep asking if he wants more, to be more involved, but he keeps saying no. So the way I see it, why not be grateful for the balance we've found, however unconventional? If it works for us, who cares about what other people think, or consider normal? What's "normal" anyway? As long as we're not hurting each other or anyone else.

I will say one thing though. What's difficult for me is that I get turned on too telling him all that stuff, and sometimes it's hard for me not to get carried away with the whole domination thing and end up saying some harsh, humiliating things that might turn him on in the heat of the moment, but later will make him think "hold on, did she actually mean that?"

I already made that mistake when I told him about the anal and the swallowing, the anal actually he was kind of ok with but for some reason the swallowing thing hit him hard. I know because he keeps asking about it, almost obsessively. One of the first things he always wants to know after I've been with my lover is if I let him finish in my mouth. I don't want to lie to him completely so I admit it, but I try to downplay it. I say I just do it for him, cause I did it once and he's come to expect it, I tell him I drink water straight away to get rid of the taste because I don't like it. In reality it's something I really enjoy doing and maybe I should just admit it, whenever I talk about it while masturbating I get so close to telling him but then I start thinking about how it's going to sound from cold. Once I've said it, I can't take it back.

The same goes for the emotional side of things. He asks quite often about my feelings for the guy, which tells me that it's something that really matters to him, or that really makes him jealous, which is understandable. Again, I don't exactly lie but I give him half truths. Enough to tickle his jealousy, but not enough to crush him. In truth, if he knew the extent of what goes on with my lover, the tenderness, the looks, the hugs (even the L word has been uttered a few times on both sides in the throes of passion) he'd be devastated. But the way I see it, what he doesn't know can't hurt him. I'm not about to run off with the guy, I don't need another life partner. What I have with my husband is unique and irreplaceable, and it's not under threat.

I hope I have explained well enough.

Thank you for the explanation. I think you are doing a great job negotiating and navigating the situation. Sexual mismatches occur in marriages and sometimes they become greater mismatches.

[summer21031985]

Yes I do think about it. I freely admit that at the moment I am finding myself quite addicted to the sex I'm having with my lover. I am limiting myself to two sessions per week, so for example I saw him yesterday and I'm planning to see him again on Friday. Any more, and I'd start to worry that I'm neglecting my family obligations, and I've already explained how important the wellbeing of my kids is to me.

But even when I'm not seeing him, I think about him often. What we did last time, what we might do next time. I then become mentally and physically aroused, and usually have to masturbate to get relief. As I said, I do this in front of my husband as part of our games, but I also do it on my own at various points in the day, whenever the urge becomes too strong.

I totally see how this might be an indication of the onset of a sex addiction, so of course I'm keeping an eye on it to make sure it doesn't get out of control. My OH knows about it too, I've not made a secret of my frequent masturbations as I know he finds it hot, but he also realises there's a serious side to it in terms of the grip that these sexual thoughts seem to have on me.

Right now I'm not overly concerned by the persistence of these thoughts, as I think it's simply down to the novelty of what I'm experiencing, the excitement of it and the intensity of the sessions, and I fully expect things to normalise over time. Hopefully it will never become boring, otherwise I'll be back to square one, but I do need to gain better control of my mental arousal so it doesn't rule my life. I want this to be fun, not obsessive. There's no fun in addiction.

Hey jane86 did you again visit your lover or made any further love. ?

[summer21031985]

jane86 Hi I guess it's your another day of enjoying with your lover. How was the today's experience dear jane86 ?

[summer21031985]

jane86 Any further updates dear jane86 ?

[jane86]

jane86 Any further updates dear jane86 ?

If you're asking whether I've seen my lover again, yes I have, but I don't really have anything I wish to disclose about it right now. Since you're being so insistent, is there anything you wanted to ask in particular? Just be mindful about how you ask women (or anyone for that matter) for information. I sense you're quite young, you mentioned you're a virgin and obviously quite curious, I don't have an issue with that and I've always been very open with my sexual experiences, but only for the purpose of discussion and to further out collective understanding of sexual relationships (which I believe is what this forum is for, mods correct me if I'm wrong). But I wouldn't want the discussion to degenerate into gratuitous graphic depictions of private sex acts, that's basically voyeurism which I have no interest in pandering to.

Hope I'm not being too harsh, I don't wish to get myself banned but I don't like feeling hassled either...