[rcoreyus]

is the fact that they aren't even married. He has raised her 9 year old with him for 6 years and they still didn't marry. I know she found out about me and did this purposely to trap him. I've been seeing him for 3 years so obvioulsy she can't be that ****** can she? I sure as hell think i'd know. I find myself praying for something to happen to her and the unborn baby...how sick am I huh. I don't really mean it thoug I just want the pain to go away. I just want the pain to go away and I really don't think it will. I told him that he can have her now for good and he can raise his "pretend happy" little family that are going to be ruined when this cycle happens all over again...........

It is a terrible situation. He was wrong to be having an affair when he had taken responsiblity for a child (even though it wasn't his). I don't object to affairs nearly as much as most people do - but when children are involved it is different.

Her behavior in intentionally getting pregnant to use the child to coerce him is outrageous. But at this point any harm to her is harm to her innocent child - that is the true monstrosity of what she has done. This is a sadly common tactic - and though I do not belive in god, I would believe in the devil if only that he make a special place in hell for those people.

You need to get out or be dragged into hell with them. Don't be angry with him - his situation is too terrible, his life hopeless. Just let him know you need out. Start dating again - don't worry about perminant relationships - just have fun for a while, and you will eventually meet someone who really cares for you.

[Heartbroken]

thank you

for your kind words. This forum has really helped me realize that i'm not the only one in this situation. I am going to meet more people and come out of the shell i've been in for 3 years..........

[Heartbroken]

I thought today would be better.

but I am absolutely breaking my heart today. It's his 39th birthday and I can't stop thinking about him. I love him so much but I hate him so much too! I wish this would all just go away. I work 2 jobs so you would think i'd be too busy to cry but I cry at my desk I cry in the bathroom I just want to keep it together but my heart is broke and my spirit is as welll
I can't keep doing this to myself...he still emails me everyday and we still talk but he has been my best friend for 3 years how can I just not talk to him all of a sudden. THis is so hard.....

[rcoreyus]

I am very sorry. I expect he is hurting as well. And his girlfriend will get to live her life with a man who hates and resents her, but must put on a show to protect his children. Nobody wins in this.

[PamelaAnne]

After reading the posting on this topic, I am amazed at the strength and courage that you, who are mistresses, have. Thank you for speaking up. When my exhusband cheated on me, I did approach the woman and the woman honestly didn't know he was married to me. When we were engaged, they met up often and once she asked him who that "girl" she saw him with (that girl was me.). He told her, "ah, just a old friend of mine." She asked him if he was interested in me and he said, "oh naw, we're not involved. There's nothing there." He contracted a sexually transmitted disease from her but blamed it on me. As a matter of fact, his whole family (yes, he told them!) were on his side and told him, "You see, you shouldn't have married her. You know how loose black women are. They all carry diseases and germs." (I'm black, he was white.). Well, I was a virgin when we married. He couldn't have gotten it from me. Eventually the truth came out (my doctor verified my virginity before I married and I got tested after my ex's breakout. I was not infected) and when I approached the other woman, it was odd but refreshing. When she found out that my ex lied to her and heard we married, she struggled as to whether she should have told me.

I think, personally, I would contact the rightful woman if I were a mistress. Also to reverse this, I know I would have appreciated it if the other woman contacted me. When men do this, they are being selfish and immature. We women are caught with our feelings and emotions damaged. I'd want the wife to know what her man is doing behind her back. I'd want to know if it were me. It is up to her on whether she wants to stay with him or leave. After I found out, I chose to stay. After 8 years of working through his "please don't leave me, I'll get help, I need you to help me change" stories and he was still being unfaithful, I finally left. It was a relief but unfortunately I didn't leave without being very damaged.

We women want to be loved in that special way and we are often willing to take scraps of love from "wonderful" men with families of their own.

I would want the other woman to tell me. And if I were the mistress, I would tell the rightful woman. What if he did leave his wife or girlfriend for you? Wouldn't you wonder if he would do the same thing with someone else and be cheating on you? I would.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am visualising your lonliness.

Those weekends, where you so badly want to go to dinner, come home, be loved, but you can't because he's with his wife/girlfriend and you know that.

I'm thinking of all the little gifts he may give you as a "sign of love" that makes you fall deeper and deeper.

I'm thinking of you waking up every morning. Dreaming of him. Only to find yourself alone.

And, then i'm thinking of the tears, the heartbreak, the pain when it's all over and the destruction if you confront the other party, or the fear, if your threatened if you did.

Women are emotional creates. We sometimes get ourselves into this position ( i haven't ) but i do know of a girlfriend that did, because, we either don't think we are worthy of the love we can find with another, or we have never truly been loved and seek with so much passion, or that we marvel at the attention that we are getting that we didn't perhaps get and trick our brain into thinking that we are sexier, better looking, more loving, what ever those thoughts are, that he will eventually leave.

What we don't see, is that the man, has his cake and eats it.

He may actually genuinely love you and her. He of course over a period of time gets to know the inner you. You are constantly, in a state of sexual arousement when he is around, as you can't see him as much as you want to, need to and this to him is exciting and hot. He may not get much from the other end. But now he has it all...

Often, the do profess their love, but it is a love of the journey they have.

Most men, most, visualise and dream of having a 3 some, it is said to be the biggest fantasy that a man has.

Are you therefore, not providing that 3 some, but in a different light?

We all deserve love. WE ALL need love. And, you as a Mistress need to dream of waking up EVERY DAY to a man, going out whenever you want with that man, ringing him whenever you want. And, if it's the excitement you are after, find a passionate man he will provide the excitement.

Know your self worth and don't put yourself down. Run, don't walk.
And, find that man that will give you the all, as the other woman has, that you don't......

[kaylar]

You brought up a key feature....

Does the Other Woman Know.
If she knows...
When did she know.

I can list tragedy after tragedy where
a woman actually believed the man was
not married.

I've heard men describe their wives as
a 'sister' a 'friend's wife', or just
a friend.

Now once she finds out the man is married,
if she has the brains of a cat she must
break it off.

Either he comes with the divorce certificate
in his hand, or doesn't come at all.

Having children without being married is often
how married men 'trap' the other woman.

They get the other woman into some impossible
situation and then, when it becomes too much
to support her and the child, he breaks it off.

This means that the Other Woman has to go to
Court and stand up and tell people, virtually,

"Hi, I'm a S L U T who screwed a married man
and got knocked up and now, I am here to eat
out his pocket because that's the kind of
S L U T I am."

I have often advised wives to make sure to
get everything before divorce proceedings.
There's lots of ways a wife can do this
when she knows he's cheating and he doesn't
know she knows.

then, when divorce comes, Wife gets it all and
he and his gal can live on crumbs. Many times
the gal, realising she ain't getting the Mansion,
she ain't getting the Benz, she is getting a
guy who has to pay the bulk of his salary to
his ex-wife, dumps him, because she can't 'mind'
more than one child.

[kilikina07]

Wow...how sad..

I am a mistress. I am having an affair with a married man. I do not love him, although I adore him..I will not allow myself to love him. I do not believe in "playing in others backyards" however, I could not resist..we developed a friendship that lasted for a year before we were intimate and I do adore his friendship. However..there is something very important to remember... once a mistress always a mistress. I value my independence greatly and my situation is perfect for me...but I would NEVER want him to leave his wife. She offers him a life of stability that I would never be able to offer my friend.

I feel so sad for these women who think that these men will actually ever leave thier wives. He is using you. Using you to fulfill a void he is not receiving from the woman hes chosen to spend his entire life with..it may be physical, it may be intellectual, it may be because you laugh at his jokes and she no longer does. It may be the excitement of knowing he can have his cake and eat it too.

I have never played with anyone elses husband. We talk often of his wife and his children and the stressors he is going through at home. And he listens to me and my hopes and my fears and my silly stressors. He is 16 years older than myself. (Me 30 him 46). When we were moving towards being intimate I laid down several ground rules....firstly, he needed to understand I would not be at his beckon call as I am a single attractive woman and I would continue to date. Secondly, we would never spend the night together. He would always go home to his wife. Thirdly, I would walk away when I saw fit.

That is what I enjoy about my relationship with him. He is using me and I am using him as well. He adores me, he showers me with compliments, he laughs at all my jokes, and makes me feel **** sexy. I have not yet found my Mr. Right..but until then..the attention that he gives me is fine for me for now.

I would never in a million years want him or expect him to leave the mother of his children. She is in many ways what I will never be..she is his wife. I am merely his concubine....

IF you are seeing a married man..you must understand, that is all you will ever be..his concubine. Then perhaps, you can spare yourself a great deal of heartache later on...

Its a dangerous and morally wrong game we mistresses are playing. You must protect yourself and fully understand that even if he did leave his wife...he would cheat on you as well.

I feel so sad for those women who have allowed themselves to be hurt by thier affairs with married men. Its a very dangerous game and one you must enter into with full armor....

I wish you all the best in healing.

[C]

According to Mr. Webster, love and adore have the same meaning. With adore you can add "worship".

I believe the advice you are giving the women here is good advice...You are telling them that what you love is not their's. It never will be...He is just a fixture that appears at some special times and makes their sexual dreams come true.....Unfortunately, for so many women this is enough....It has to be enough for them......They hurt for wanting love and the pleasures that a man like this brings to them....It is truly sad, yet only knowing what my heartbreak could have been as a wife, can I write this...You see I am a woman who desperately loves a man that a woman like you wanted. She came to town and waited for him at a hotel...

You say that you would never take him from his wife or children....But this is now....What about later when this depth of passion that you are in and do not recognize, becomes bigger than you can handle....You see I know what a wonderful sexual man with a personality to kill can do to a woman....passion rules.....

[Tabby]

?

Here's the million dollar question that I have always wanted an answer to for many years:

Why....does the other woman choose to stay with the man who is taken, married, or has children when she knows that by being with him, she is literally helping in destroying another woman, breaking her heart, her home, and breaking up her family?

My ex cheated on me in 1994. And you know what? It totally destroyed my heart. I still cannot trust the person I'm with now. Part of me has never healed from it and I don't think the thousands of dollars in therapy will make the pain go away either.