[Amber]

No new sensations lately. The only thing I did noticed was getting a little flushed but everything else is the same. I get to this point and it goes not further. I'm waiting for something new but it dies down before anything else happens. I guess it is going to take me some time.

[Texinator]

What's going on mentally when you try that. Do you find your mind wandering to other thoughts? Are you enjoying the experience. Do you put pressure on yourself to feel more than you do?

[Texinator]

Oh and this thread will celebrate it's three month anniversary on Tuesday.

[Amber]

First off, the three month anniversary, i'll pass on celebrating that one. Three months ago on that day, it was the beginning of my life falling apart. Not much of a reason for celebrating. Your other question I was answer in a separate post. Right now I just need to vent a little!!!

There are things I know now that I didn't now three months ago. Like what I learned from that long talk I had recently with my ex. He didn't want me, once it hit him that we didn't connect. I was no longer what he wanted. I wasn't good enough for him. Not saying he was putting me down, saying I wasn't good for anyone but I definitely didn't have what he wanted. The piece where the connection should be, he replaced it with my body and the sexual feelings he had for me. How wonderful...not. But I definitely do give him credit for when he finally realized it, he ended it. It just took him long enough to realize it.

Well, I obviously don't want a guy who doesn't want me. I want someone to love me, to want me but not just want me sexually. Want me completely. So even though I know we are over (before I kid myself and didn't believe that but after that talk a few weeks ago, I knew it was for real.), stuff like what just happened to me still aggravates me to death. He tried to say that maybe he believed the chemistry, just maybe. Bull, he didn't believe it for one bit and because of that I still believe he is just dense in that department. But he is stubborn and no matter what I said, he wasn't going to believe me. At the end he lied and said he maybe could believe it but I knew he was just saying that to shut me up. At one time that bothered me. It still bothers me but at least I know it doesn't matter anymore.

But what happened today was this. My parents just went out and said they will be back in an hour and a half. So good, I figured I would use my Kegelmaster and then my toy. So I used the Kegelmaster and then settle down to use the vibrator. And I do exactly what I did the other night. The other night I was getting the heavy breathing and that feeling down below, where I have been stuck for a while now but it is definitely something. Today, I was using the vibrator the same exact way as the other night and for just as long, and aside for one tiny moment, I got nothing at all of what I was feeling the other night. Why, well let see. Today, I had no liquor in me. I knew I was pressed for time. Sir Damon was not cooperating with me. Maybe because tonight I really wanted his shirt off but tell that to the picture. lol So I look at my Hawaii Man on the Year calendar from across the wall. And then I end up taking it down. And then it wouldn't stay on a page when it was on the bed but then I didn't like any of the pages. So then I tried an erotic book but using the vibrator with one hand was hard. Then the music was bothering me so I shut it off. So then I went back to the book but my mind went to the calendar for some reason. So I gave up the book and just went back to Damon. I got to the point that after a half of an hour, another thought came to me. Doesn't this seem familiar. Unlike other nights lately, my mind is not relaxed at all. My mind is everywhere, just like when I was with my ex. But the only difference was my mind was even worse scattered when I was with my ex. At least today, I was trying to think of something to arouse me, not that it was happening though. But with my ex, I was listening to the TV or thinking of every day things, or thinking that I wasn't doing it right. Why, because as I said a hundred times, I had no clue where my mind was suppose to be. And today proved my point once again. I felt nothing today because I wasn't relaxed and my mind wasn't were it should have been. I felt nothing when my ex kissed me because I wasn't relaxed and my mind was were it shouldn't have been. New Years Eve I felt some stuff because I was relaxed some and my mind was more focused.

Sorry, I just need to get this all out. Why because I'm feeling aggravated right now and I felt like it!!!! I know I will never be with my ex again but it still just aggravates me to death on how dense he can be about this. But as I said before, it doesn't matter anymore. Because the last thing I want is a guy who doesn't want me. And he doesn't want me. I want to be loved by someone who wants to be with me.

So despite the fact that he is densed in that part, I still think he is a good guy. But as for friends, I just don't know if that will be possible or not. Only time will tell.

[Amber]

What's going on mentally when you try that. Do you find your mind wandering to other thoughts? Are you enjoying the experience. Do you put pressure on yourself to feel more than you do?

Ok, the other night when I was feeling some things, where was my mind.

Well I have to admit it is better than originally but I'm still not there. My mind is now just focused on what I'm doing at hand, not everything else like it use to be. But even so it is still not enough. My mind is on, will I feel it if I try this or that. Not just the fantasy. That is obviously bad. And then I'm still having problems with the fantasy. I'm having problems trying to think erotically because I have very little experience ever feeling it. So to me it is just words and that is only if I can come up with some. I'm not sure I can get myself arroused without having a guy right in front of me to teach me to feel and experience new things. If it is a fantasy that is not erotic, I get nowhere. It is getting a little frustrating. I'm finding it hard to do when I have no experience for my mind to base it on.

And when I am getting some feeling, when it gets more intense, at times I realize just lying there is not comfortable enough when the pains come. My knees starts to bother me when my legs start to lock up. I don't know another position that won't bother my knees. It is just a loosing battle.

[Guest]

Amber,

I admit i haven't read every single one of your posts in this thread, but I have read quite a few of them. the one thing that jumps right out at me is that you are trying very hard. thats great for sex, but not so great for sensuality.

one of the most erotic scenes I have ever watched is in 40 days and 40 nights. the whole flower thing was absolutely amazing! having someone do something like that to me, and adding a blindfold, would be... my knees are weak just thinking about it. yes it'd be easier with a partner, but i find that even touching myself very gently ends up feeling better than using a bunch of toys to "just get it done" when i am alone.

i guess what i am trying to say is maybe you are working too hard at achieving the big O. slow down some and be gentle, its not a race.

[Amber]

I will agree that I'm trying too hard. It is just that I feel like I'm lost at the moment, having no clue what to try next, even if I just took the next step slowly.

But as for not using the vibrator, I'm thinking that may be a lost cause. Not matter what I have watched, thought, heard, or recently tried touching myself, in my life time, before the vibrator or a man touching me, I have never felt anything that remotely felt close to what I feel with the vibrator or with a man touching my down below. The most I have ever felt maybe, while reading a book, was a very small tensing feeling down below and even that feeling I'm not totally sure on. It could have been just the urge of having to go to the bathroom. Maybe when my mind is really on it, I will surprise myself. I don't know. Without knowing what to feel, I'm having a hard time of knowing what to think of.

As for touching myself, all I know is the lightly touch my ex use to do and all the times I have tried that myself, I have never felt anything. I was just enjoying the touch but no other feeling than a slight shiver. My nipples have no feeling at all to them. They feel like rubber to me. So right now touching does nothing for me. That is another thing. I have no idea how to touch myself to turn myself on. I have touched myself a few times when I was just learning how to relax, I enjoyed the light shiver and just accepted that because at the time, I didn't really know much else. That was before the vibrator. But never once did I ever feel arroused at all when I was touching myself. So touching myself is ok but doesn't feel wonderful to me. Maybe because I'm not thinking erotically but then I find it hard to think erotically when touching myself and not a guy.

It is all just frustrating.

[Guest]

ok, what about finding another guy?

[WildChild]

There are things I know now that I didn't now three months ago. Like what I learned from that long talk I had recently with my ex. He didn't want me, once it hit him that we didn't connect. I was no longer what he wanted. I wasn't good enough for him. Not saying he was putting me down, saying I wasn't good for anyone but I definitely didn't have what he wanted. The piece where the connection should be, he replaced it with my body and the sexual feelings he had for me. How wonderful...not. But I definitely do give him credit for when he finally realized it, he ended it. It just took him long enough to realize it.

I know you are venting and we all need to do that sometimes.
But Sexual connection is a big part of a relationship and when it isn't there it can go from difficult to miserable to intollerable. Look at all the posts we have from people who are dealing with it. It hurts, believe me I know, but try to consider the positives and be thankful that he came into your life. You can be thankful that he awakened in you a desire for change, to explore and to learn to have all the pleasure that your body should give you. You aren't there yet but you are working toward it - that will be a lasting and wonderful thing for you. Oddly enough you could also be thankful that he was able to say, this won't work. If he hadn't you might not have ever really recognized the need to find your own way sexually and could have been trapped in a relationship that didn't really meet either of your needs.

I have a feeling this determination and effort on your part may just lead you to make other changes in time and that could bring you a whole new chapter in your life.

I can understand the desire to be loved fully for all of yourself, I've always wanted that and haven't had it yet and I'm multi-orgasmic. It is about more than sex but at least you are getting that piece of the puzzle in place. Don't give up.

[Amber]

CW, I will admit that without the experience I had in the bedroom with him, I never would have thought of trying to figure out my body and masturbating. I won't deny that.

I don't know if I made myself clear or not before but when I say he felt we were lacking connection, I don't mean in the bedroom. He thought I was lacking that towards him even though I told him that I wasn't. No the connection he was talking about was the feeling like he was one with a woman. Stuff like they could finish each other sentences. I kind of wonder if something like that even really exist. If I can't finish the guys thoughts, then he is not the right one for me? I'm curious to think what other people think on that. Because I'm not sure I may find that in anyone and if all men think like this, I think I may be in trouble.

I kind of wonder if this connection thing is even a factor for him or if that was just his excuse to end it because he knew I couldn't argue it. That it is really all the chemistry thing that he refuses to believe we don't have which I have already strongly made a point against. No mind, no chemistry. After all I proved my point once again tonight. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter. He wasn't happy. End of story.

He told me something, in one of his emails a few weeks ago, right before that talk on the phone. He told me he considered just continue seeing me but knew that he could never give me what I wanted or needed and knew down the road, it would just have hurt me all the more. So he ended it now. I do know now it was the best thing to end it because he wasn't happy. He never would have been with me and why would I want to be with someone who didn't want me. He would have only grew bitter in the long run and hurt me in the process. As much as it hurts what I'm going through now, that wouldn't have been any better.

As for me being trapped in the relationship that didn't fit my needs. If he had been happy, I would like to think that once I realized my problem, I could have discovered myself while he was still in the picture. If anything he could help me with my desire, something I have little to none of right now and is a very big problem that I'm having trouble overcoming. But he is not in the picture so that is a mute point.

So thankfully he didn't just string it along because it would have only hurt more down the road. But that is not the kind of guy that he is. He didn't realize all of this until after I pointed out my problem in the bedroom so he never did string me along. I know he was never out to hurt me. He is not like that. It still hurts all the same but I'm doing my best trying to get over him. No, I'm not there yet but I'm slowly getting there. Like I said before, I would like to be his friend some day but right now it just seems impossible. But once I'm over him, I may easily think differently. I would like to think so but as I said before, only time will tell.