[Texinator]

Physically the feeling is similar to anxiety or nervousness but in my mind there are feelings of excitement and hope rather than fear and worry. Butterflies in your stomach, your breathing becomes faster, and your senses become hypersensitive.

I should note that what I'm describing here doesn't happen on a regular basis. It's not like I feel this way when I'm walking down an aisle in the grocery store and see an attractive woman. It has to be someone that I know and where there is at least a mild infatuation developing.

[Amber]

WC, romance books were my only real source. I had no idea.

Tex, my life was not a typical one but I can't think of something that could cause such a big problem as this.

My family never hugged. I remember once, being about four or five, and for some reason, out of the blue, my mother told us to run downstairs and kiss my father goodnight. I remember that he hadn't shaved and I didn't like the feeling of the scratchy face. But my father was like ok, come on, hurry up, type of attitude. He obviously didn't feel comfortable with it. But later on in my life, I found out how wonderful a hug can feel and I know I love the feeling of it.

So all through school I was shy and had no boyfriends. Sex was not something talked about in my house and I had no close enough friends that I would talk about something like that. I think I was something like 16 or so when my mother took me aside and told me, you do know that it takes two to make a baby, right? At that time, I had no idea.

So I started to read romance books and it started to open up my knowledge. That is the only source I had. Something happens next that I can't believe could have scared me for life. It was first boyfriend, if you even want to call him that. I was 17yr old and it was the summer between high school and junior college. I was still sort of shy and my cousins set me up with a friend of theirs. I must have been with him for about four or five dates before he ended it. But on these dates, we were never alone. I was either with my cousin or pretty badly, my brother. The boyfriend was kissing me in the back seat with my brother in the front seat with my cousin. Or I remember stopping at a grave yard and getting out to kiss. Why there but who knows. I know I was nervous about my first kiss, am I doing this right. I'm not sure if I ever got over that questioning, am I doing it right? He is the one who introduced me to my first hug or just holding me and I knew right off the bat that I loved that feeling. The feeling of being held.

So getting to my point, my brother told my mother that I was making out in the back seat. Making out constituted kissing on the lips only. Ok, give me a break. My brother shouldnt' have been there to begin with. I was 17yrs old and I should have been able to kiss a guy. But my mother comes to me and tells me I'm a tramp and I'm horrible. But I can't see this to effect the rest of my life, it really just affected me for about a year.

In that next year, my father tried to set me up on blind dates. Always nervous if I was kissing right, and I remember my first french kiss. I was like, what on earth!! I was grossed out by it, not understanding any of it. I went into the house, told my mother about it, and she had me wash my mouth out with listerine. lol I was set up on a few blind dates and no one knew what I liked in a boy so after a few of these, I made them stop. But then I forgot all about being called a tramp. Because I hadn't had a chance to kiss a guy for many years later. And it had nothing to do with being afraid of being considered a tramp. It was because I just couldn't catch a guy.

My life took a drastic change. It was between my first and second year of college. I was 18yrs old. The thought of spending another summer in front of the TV made me depressed. So my mother said that I needed to find a hobby. I couldn't dance to save my life and a local dance studio said they teach all kind of dancing. I start taking lessons, thinking I will learn how to club dance. It turns out that I learn how to ballroom dance and I fell in love with it. In about a years time if not sooner, I came out of my shell. The shyness slipped away. I loved the attention of the men because all the men wanted to dance with the young girl. See at that time, very few young people would ballroom dance. The reason why I had very few men to choose from over the next several years. But at the time, I didn't care. These people took me under their wing. They were mainly in their 30's, 40's, and some 50's.

But for some reason, I never saw ballroom dancing as sexual in any way. I touched men's bodies and never thought of it as sinful or shameful to do. I just saw it as a hobby. One that I could do, one that was fun, and one that men would give me their attention. And when I say attention, I mean dance with me, and talk to me. Maybe joke with me and make me laugh. I love to laugh. Who knows what was on some of those guys minds but my thoughts were always quite innocent. And some of my instructors gave some of the most wonderful hugs that I would love. They just saw as it a way to earn your trust or get you comfortable with them. It was never sexual for them either and if it was, they never made a move on me.

This lasted about ten years and during this time, my only friends were dancing friends. I didn't have a girlfriend to go look for guys with. And I had no boyfriends. Just friends who were men. Over those ten years, there were a few guys that caught my interest. (Remember there was very few guys around my age that danced.) And I would spend time with them, flirt with them in a purely unsexual way but they never took any bate. And I can't remember ever feeling any butterflies with any of them. I dont' think I ever really studied their bodies or think like that. It was that I liked their personalities.

The thought of masterbating never came into play. I never thought of doing it. I never knew women would even do that to themselves. I had no close girlfriend to ever talk about sex with. My only source was romance books.

After about ten years of dancing in those high heels, my feet gave out due to neuromas and I was forced to stop dancing. I had to go through a series of operations. And my knee was causing me problems. Over the next four or five years, i had barely any social life aside from going to work.

About two years ago, I start match.com. In my first weekend, about thirty five men contacted me. I felt overwelmed. And when a guy told me that I was beautiful, I thought he was just saying that to win me over. I never thought I was pretty. No one ever told me that in all those years. So I didn't believe him. I was very modist. And then more men told me this. Eventually I came to the realization that yes, maybe I am pretty but I have never been conceited about it like some women probably are. i don't use it to tease me with but if it brings a guy to me, so be it. It will be my chance to check his personality out. Because that is what I see in the guy, the guy himself.

I don't know. I don't have many sexual thoughts. I never learned any of that and it never just came on one day. The most I can remember is a few dreams in the past few years that the guy would hold me and kiss me. And we would be working up a sweat. And I would wake up feeling depressed, knowing I didn't have that man to love me. But I'm not one to just take anyone just to have a boyfriend. Because I have had plenty of guys hit on me in the past year. But a lot of it is a joke because they just see me as a woman who is pretty but for some reason doesn't like me when they get to know me. Or the ones who do, I wasn't interested for some reason. i could have gone along with those guys but I didnt' want to. My ex was the first guy in the past year that the feeling was mutual. But the sparks, which I didn't know could exist, ruined it all. In all these years, I never knew that you felt something when you kiss and if you didn't, it would kill the relationship.

[Amber]

Tex, I just saw your last post, after I finished writing my novel. I guess that does makes me feel a little better. Have you ever felt it right after meeting a woman?

That makes me wonder then if the feelings are actually really controlled on what your feelings are for that person and it is not just something destined and you have no control over.

[WildChild]

Oh dear, you may not think so but being called a tramp by your mother and told to wash your mouth with listerine after French kissing, could have a huge effect!!! How awful!!
I'm the opposite, I'm more like, well do want any info on techniques?

I was raised very sheltered but fortuantely not with any negative body or contact stuff. The first I was french kissed I was dumbfounded. Had never heard of or imagined such a thing. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless. Poor guy, he was really flustered, trying to explain it. I got over my surprise and proceeded to spend quite a bit of time practicing, not only with him but with some guy friends. Practice makes perfect and I was determined to get it down - I did. I'm good, really good. LOL

These kinds of reactions from the people we look to with trust can be devistating. BUT the good news is you can get over it!

[WildChild]

There are generally fewer germs in your mouth than on your hands.

[Amber]

I'm the opposite, I'm more like, well do want any info on techniques?

WC, are you asking me this, or are you just saying what you would have thought? I'll take any techniques that I can take but I'm guessing it takes two for these techniques.

When I read my story, I kind of think it has to do with having no knowledge whatsoever about all of it or having no exposure to any of it. Is all of this something to be learned or should my body just know how to react naturally without any thoughts of how to act from me?

[Texinator]

I guess that does makes me feel a little better. Have you ever felt it right after meeting a woman?

Not that I remember. I'll notice if she's physically attractive or if I like the first glimpses of her personality but there usually isn't any big excitement. Some people think it must be my confidence but it's really just an absence of nerves, good or bad. It's typically only once I realize that my attraction is more than just a casual one that the physical reaction begins. The stronger the attraction the stronger the reaction.

WC is right. As I was reading your 'novel' (I like you writing style by the way ) I kept thinking to myself that those early experiences (being called a tramp, having your mouth washed out) are all things that can affect you to this day no matter how insignificant you may think those incidents were.

[Amber]

I'll mention it to the sex therapist tomorrow about those incidents but I'm kind of confused how that could prevent me from feeling anything.

My mother actually used the s word but this chatroom wouldn't let me use that word.

[Texinator]

If you're a tramp for kissing then kissing is not something you should enjoy. That's how the brain thinks.

[WildChild]

And to protect you from that horrible fate it will make sure you have no motivation to do it.