[rcoreyus]

I'd suggest that you find what sort of movies, stories, etc you enjoy. (Not that specifically make you aroused). Try a variety - and go with what you enjoy, not what you think you should enjoy. Many have said that the brain is the most important sex organ. You need to find what you like to think about before you worry about anything physical (I think).

[Texinator]

So I've been thinking about the subject of desire..

What is desire exactly? Perhaps desire is a physical manifestation of the basic human need to have an emotional and spiritual connection with someone.

But with whom? The highest form of desire for me personally would be to be sexually intimate with the person I love. Obviously this would be the best opportunity to express such a connection physically.

But how does the work when I'm not in love? Obviously my sexual interests don't go out the window when I'm single or the relationship is still in a more casual stage. Yet I can still have desire when not being in love.

Maybe we could then say that desire is a basic instinct that exists within all of us. We strive to satisfy that desire throughout our lives, but even if we cannot meet this need 100%, there are ways to curb the craving temporarily.

Masturbation is one such way, but it's probably the least effective. Casual sex is in the middle, though depending on the person, it may not even be an option on the table. Finally, there is sex with someone you love, with whom you have that connection.

So how do you masturbate when you are not in love or even seeing anyone? Well, I guess it varies from person to person, but let me give it a shot..

Sometimes the mood just strikes. I don't have to be thinking about anything or anyone in particular, I just get horny out of the blue. Then I can decide what to do about this feeling.. And sometimes Junior makes the decision easier for me by becoming erect even before I've engaged in any mental or physical stimulation.

Then what? Obviously physical touching is good. In fact, I don't have to have any naughty thoughts to have an orgasm, I can simply concentrate on the sensations I feel during touching. But this is probably the least satisfying method because it is purely physical.

The fun begins when fantasies come in to play. Fantasies about me and.. someone. I can think back about a previous experience I had. Or I can create my own experience in my mind. Even with situations I've never done before. It's simply a matter of fantasizing about something you think might be arousing and feel good.

There are ways to throw more fuel onto the fire of desire, if you will. For men visual stimulation is great, from simple pictures to porn videos. Many women prefer something more romantic and intellectually engaging, like an erotic story, though I've found that even dirty stories can do it well for both.

Maybe the desire is more satisfied the more we involve our mind with fantasies and other stimuli because the more real it appears to us.

I also wonder if some of the people that end up preferring to masturbate to porn rather than to satisfy their partner get mentally 'stuck' at this point and don't know how to move on to sex.

What if you've never had an orgasm before? Can you have desire then? Or does desire come from the knowledge of what an orgasm is like? The chicken or the egg..

Thinking back to before I had my first orgasm, I believe the desire existed already. It probably started when puberty hit and I suddenly found myself attracted to the female form even though I had never had sex before or even an orgasm.

But I wonder if this desire alone is what lead to exploration, then masturbation, and finally the orgasm. The thing is that I experienced erections before I hit puberty and it then felt good to press my crotch against things. Yet during that time I had no sexual thoughts and the pleasure was purely physical.

So you can experience physical pleasure without desire and desire without physical pleasure, but you put the two together to have an orgasm. At the very least you should be able to achieve this through masturbation.

What if the desire is lacking, however? One of two things.. either there is a physical reason, like a hormonal imbalance, or more than likely the desire has been suppressed in one way or another. In the case of the latter you have to learn to rid yourself of fear based emotions and to connect to your body.

[Amber]

Wow, it must be something to get horny without doing anything. Even when I watch a movie, I don't get horny. I don't know if I like that word horny but it is better than using the word feelings. I have been using that but that is probably not the best word at all.

Sometimes the mood just strikes. I don't have to be thinking about anything or anyone in particular, I just get horny out of the blue. Then I can decide what to do about this feeling.. And sometimes Junior makes the decision easier for me by becoming erect even before I've engaged in any mental or physical stimulation.

Wow, this must be something. I can definitely tell you this never happens to me!!

I'm not use to making up fantasies. At least nothing that is going to make me feel desire. But while I was using the vibrator yesterday, after using it a bit, I did start to feel that edgy feeling. Now I don't know if it was just pure luck of where i hit at what time, but I tried to think of something that may make that feeling stronger. At times it did get stronger but I don't know if it was a conincendent or not. It just so happens some of those thoughts were of my ex. I ran out of thoughts and was pulling at straws. I felt desperate and had nothing else to reach for. Thankfully, it didn't cause me to cry this time but I know if I did it today, it would cause waterworks. But wouldn't that be something that it turns out that my desire for my ex gives me my first orgasm. Then I will curse him for being such a fool of doubting that desire I have for him. But I would silently thank him for being the breakthough that gave me the orgasm

I would be better off if my desire is of something else and not him. I guess I have to start getting creative with my fantasies but it has to be with the vibrator. Because so far without touching myself, when watching a movie or reading a book, I feel nothing. It could be that my mind was not on it the way it should be or when I tried to put my mind on it, I'm wondering if I'm feeling it, and that kills it. Just like when I'm kissing. But it works when I'm using the vibrator so who knows. But has it really work because I haven't had an orgasm yet.

[Amber]

For the life of me that is one word that I can never spell, coincident. But I figured it out now that the edit time expired. Pain in my butt!

[Texinator]

Do you think living with your parents could be having an impact? I was just looking at a list of possible psychological causes and that was actually one of the items.

How is your relationship with them? Do you get along well? Do you think they would be ashamed or troubled if they knew you were sexually interested in any way?

[Amber]

Do you think living with your parents could be having an impact? I was just looking at a list of possible psychological causes and that was actually one of the items.

How is your relationship with them? Do you get along well? Do you think they would be ashamed or troubled if they knew you were sexually interested in any way?

They get on my nerves at times but I guess we have an ok relationship.

What do you mean by if they knew I was sexually interested in any way?

[Texinator]

What do you mean by if they knew I was sexually interested in any way?

Basically that you have (or are trying to find) your sexual side. Your experiments with your friend, your encounters with your ex, and now your interest in masturbating and having an orgasm.

Some people still think 'good girls' don't do any of that. So I was wondering if your parents might look down on you if they knew you aren't a 'good girl' anymore in that sense.

If you think they would, it might be putting pressure on you, even subconsciously.

[rcoreyus]

Have you tried creating a fantasy - thinking through a story that you find exciting. You don't need to be a character in the fantasy, just something vague erotic that you would find interesting. It is YOUR fantasy, so it can be absolutely anything you want, no one else needs to know. It can be romantic true love, it can be guiltless prostitution sex for money, the woman can be the seducer or the one seduced. It can be gentle or rough. It doesn't need to be something you would personally enjoy, just something you find interesting.

[Amber]

Basically that you have (or are trying to find) your sexual side. Your experiments with your friend, your encounters with your ex, and now your interest in masturbating and having an orgasm.

Some people still think 'good girls' don't do any of that. So I was wondering if your parents might look down on you if they knew you aren't a 'good girl' anymore in that sense.

If you think they would, it might be putting pressure on you, even subconsciously.

Well, for the experiment, I know my mother hated that but it doesn't matter anymore. That is in the past. I can honestly say I will never do another friends with benefit kind of deal. I couldn't handle it. I had some feelings for him but they weren't real. But to know that he had no feelings for me, I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. I don't want another guy who doesn't have feelings to touch me. I'm through with that.

As for my ex, I don't talk to my parents about him anymore. It hurts too much. They loved him. They actually met him and I almost met his parents. I was the one who stopped it from happening. This past September, after coming home from Hawaii, I had gotten the screws taken out of my knee that was put in from the surgery two years ago. My doctor thought that is what was causing the pain I have been having lately. So I was off the crutches but still sore with the stiches in me. I was staying over his house for a few days. He was quite willing to introduce me to them but I was the wanted to wait until I was healed again. But I can't discuss him with my parents because they don't understand how much it hurts. My father was my mother's only boyfriend. She doesn't understand what this feels like. So I just do my best to pretend he doesn't exist when I'm around my parents.

As for masturbating, yep that makes me a little nervous. I'm wondering how I'm going to pull that off. I have no idea what my parents are going to think about that. My mother knows I'm seeing a sex therapist. After all it was my mother who found her for me. My mother has no clue what I'm talking about when I'm there with her and I'm not about to discuss it with her either. Packages come in the mail and when she asks me what it is, I tell her don't ask. She now knows it means something sex wise and doesn't ask any more. I have a bag in my room that is full of porn movies and sex books. It is closed up but she could have easily look in it if she wants. If she has she hasn't said a word about it. My guess is she has seen it. She probably suspects the vibrators also but I'm not sure.

It is easy to watch a movie or read a book. It makes no real sound when I'm in my room. Or when I touch myself listening to the Enya, my door is closed and she doesn't bother me. But my sex therapist just told me to go ahead with the vibrator. My parents have been gone since Sunday. I'm wondering how they will respond. If my door is closed, lately they have been good not to open it. If I do it in the evening, I have a very good chance of not being disturbed. I just need to keep it down.

When I think about it, I don't think my mother would be against masturbating, as long as it isn't flashed in her face. So she is not to see the vibrators, which I hide, and she doesn't hear loud moaning noises. I know my mother blames herself for some of what is happening. She thinks because we were not a close touchy feeling type family, that that may have affected me. That part I don't think so because once I had started dancing and that kid right out of high school, I learned how wonderful a hug was. I mean that is all parents would do anyways. I have come out and told her how I knew masterbating would have been frowned upon when I was young.That is where things really went wrong. She says nothing because she knows i'm right. I honestly don't know if she realizes or not that I will be trying to masturbate. And I figure if I don't make it known, I'm fine.

I think a reason why should wouldn't mind it is because it has to be done or I'm never going to be able to have sex with a guy. And she wants me to find that guy and be married off. That is for sure. She hated the friends with benefit but I think she will see this differently. If not,she can stick it!!!

[Amber]

Have you tried creating a fantasy - thinking through a story that you find exciting. You don't need to be a character in the fantasy, just something vague erotic that you would find interesting. It is YOUR fantasy, so it can be absolutely anything you want, no one else needs to know. It can be romantic true love, it can be guiltless prostitution sex for money, the woman can be the seducer or the one seduced. It can be gentle or rough. It doesn't need to be something you would personally enjoy, just something you find interesting.

If you mean something that is erotic, then I tried that tonight and failed miserably. I honestly don't know what to think about. My experience having sex is very limited. I barely touched my ex. i was too nervous to do so. And when he touched me, aside from the light touching of the skin that felt good, everything else I was too nervous to enjoy. I'm the type that if I don't know about it, I can't make up a story about it.

I know I probably could make up a romantic fantasy but not anything that is going to make me feeling horny, as Tex puts it. I hate that word horny!! Well, I guess I can say so far, at least. Maybe somehow I can learn about what can be done, through romance books. But will I be able to connect what there saying with how it feels in my head, if I have never felt it before myself. So far I have no luck on it when it comes to movies.