[Allie602]

WC makes a really good point. The degree of sexual arousal and the intensity of feelings depends on the individual man. For me when I meet a man, I get an initial impression about how interested I am in him and the level of intensity. Finding out more about the person can change the level of interest. Each of my relationships has been different in term of sexual tension and excitement. My current SO is a dominant, mans man and for me, he is the most sexually exciting man I have been with so far.
It's probably good to remember that your ex had something to do with the level of sexual tension between the two of you, it's not just you. You can't tell what it will be like with another man till you meet him.

[Amber]

Thing is emotional intensity and connection can vary widely. With the LOML the connection was immediate and intense and for me it stayed that way, even though after a few months he started being a real prick. I'm seeing someone else now and he is tender and sweet and caring and there is just no spark. We've talked about it - it isn't just me, we are both healing from painful relationship failures. In some cases it doesn't matter what you do or how good it 'should' be, it just isn't.

Amber, focusing your arousal efforts on emotional/mental images of your ex won't serve you long term. You got a copy of The Orgasm Loop, didin't you? Did you read what she said about having an image to visualise or focus on? That guy didn't really arouse you anyway. Re-read and rethink what you are using to arouse yourself. Also you can't force an orgasm or arousal. The harder you try the more elusive it is likely to be. Try relaxing into it.

It has been a while since I looked at that book but if I remember right, it told me to think of a flower or someone that you have no person attachment to. like a movie star. I have found that I get no reaction at all if I don't have an emotional connection to it. It is my feelings and emotions which have been giving me the reactions I have been having lately. A flower unpeeling is not going to do it with me. Just thinking of a guy who I have no connection does nothing for me. Thinking up fantasy does nothing for me because I can't connect any emotion to them. Erotic books do nothing for me. I have only found one clip of a movie that has done anything of me. It may be different for some women but I can't get anywhere with something I have never experienced before. I have never had any wonderful sexual experiences before so watching someone have sex or reading erotic books does nothing for me. I have tried it all quite a few times now.

I know thinking of my ex is not going to help me much and it says not to do that in the book but it is helping me in the mean time. The people who read that book probably have had good sexual experiences to reflect upon. Or maybe they don't need to connect emotional to get a reaction. If i don't use my memory and desire of him, I have nothing to use. And I'm going to have to wait until the next guy comes before I orgasm. I really don't want to wait that long.

If I relax into it, what am I suppose to be thinking about? Fantasizing about someone I have no connection with does nothing for me.

[ItsASecret]

The people who read that book probably have had good sexual experiences to reflect upon.

When I was desperate to get some sort of reaction from myself as well I did end up reading some of that book. Flowers and other objects are not arousing to me. I do have the sexual experience of feeling those tingles of pleasure but trying to get them from a statue or flower was not going to happen. And I even tried the ring of fire approach it talked about involving the coil of energy just to try it out (or maybe I am thinking of another book)...I sort of felt it but it took far too long to reach that point which makes it a total waste to me. I too lack any fantasy, no button switch part on my skin that sets me off, so I only rely on images of my boyfriend positioned a certain way during sex, or out of it.

[kristalyn_04]

Amber, have you tried fantasizing about being in a particular situation that turns you on? Also, and this may have been said already... but I think if you are trying to orgasm, like you're thinking about getting there instead of enjoying the sensations, it won't happen. If you just try to enjoy yourself, don't think about climaxing, just relax... it might help.

[Amber]

WC makes a really good point. The degree of sexual arousal and the intensity of feelings depends on the individual man. For me when I meet a man, I get an initial impression about how interested I am in him and the level of intensity. Finding out more about the person can change the level of interest. Each of my relationships has been different in term of sexual tension and excitement. My current SO is a dominant, mans man and for me, he is the most sexually exciting man I have been with so far.
It's probably good to remember that your ex had something to do with the level of sexual tension between the two of you, it's not just you. You can't tell what it will be like with another man till you meet him.

Allie, since he was my first real relationship, I know you are right. I don't really know what i'm capable of feeling with a a guy. It just doesn't seem real to me right now, that it can get good. But I guess I really won't know until the next one comes along.

[Amber]

Amber, have you tried fantasizing about being in a particular situation that turns you on? Also, and this may have been said already... but I think if you are trying to orgasm, like you're thinking about getting there instead of enjoying the sensations, it won't happen. If you just try to enjoy yourself, don't think about climaxing, just relax... it might help.

Yep, I have tried it countless of times. Never works for me. There is nothing backing it up. And that was even before I realized that emotion is what sets me off. But I sort of ran into it watching the titanic that time a few weeks ago. The first time I ever felt anything when I was watching that deck scene in Titanic. Jack puts his arms around Rose, holding her close. Jack and Rose's hands play with each others. Him leaning close down to her, whispering into her ear. It was first time I found something I could relate to. And so far it is the only thing that I can relate to . It brought back to me the memories I had of my ex-boyfriend holding me close in warm embrace. I loved being held in his arms. I use to love it when we would hold each other's hand across the table in a restaurant and he would play with it. He had caused me to shiver. When I saw this, I started to sweat and have feeling for the first time. The second time I tried the same thing and it made my legs stiffen. And I felt myself become wet twice the same night on the second time. I never had those reactions before that night and I have been trying everything for almost a year now. It is emotions of past experience that fuels me on, not fantasy of something I can't relate to.

[Amber]

When I was desperate to get some sort of reaction from myself as well I did end up reading some of that book. Flowers and other objects are not arousing to me. I do have the sexual experience of feeling those tingles of pleasure but trying to get them from a statue or flower was not going to happen. And I even tried the ring of fire approach it talked about involving the coil of energy just to try it out (or maybe I am thinking of another book)...I sort of felt it but it took far too long to reach that point which makes it a total waste to me. I too lack any fantasy, no button switch part on my skin that sets me off, so I only rely on images of my boyfriend positioned a certain way during sex, or out of it.

I think it did cover something that had to do with energy in that book. I tried some of it and none of it helped me. I wonder how many people can orgasm thinking about a flower! I guess some people may fool us on that one.

[Amber]

but I think if you are trying to orgasm, like you're thinking about getting there instead of enjoying the sensations, it won't happen. If you just try to enjoy yourself, don't think about climaxing, just relax... it might help.

I know that is unfortuately true, thinking about the orgasm coming prevents it from coming.

Also keep rewinding that stupid clip killed it also!! Ugg!! I did a copy of it last night. It work. But it wasn't as clear as I would have liked. But then I realized that there was a trim button on the handbrake copy. Figures, I did it in two seconds!!! But you could only trim it on the ends, not in the middle. Which is what I needed for now but may need more in the future. IMovie lets you trim from the middle also. Thanks for mentioning IMovie to me!!

But my old computer didn't have that trim option from the handbrake copy. The new computer is obviously better.

[WildChild]

It's not a matter of orgasming from thinking about a flower. It's giving your mind a reference point so it doesn't wander but you don't over think and stress over orgasming. I'll have to see if I can coem up with a better way to explain it...

[Amber]

It's not a matter of orgasming from thinking about a flower. It's giving your mind a reference point so it doesn't wander but you don't over think and stress over orgasming. I'll have to see if I can coem up with a better way to explain it...

Ok, i can understand if you are using the flower as a focus point. Something to focus on and to stop your mind from wandering. Like you need to do in meditation. But don't you need to be thinking of something sexual to make that orgasm happen? That is where my big problem comes in.