[Guest]

I'm really ashamed at where this thread has gone.

Once more - we've turned the husband - who has no say in the matter here, into a rabid beast.

Yet, despite all the positive things the poster has listed above, he also supports her financially.

From what i've read, the underlying issue here is that the woman is staying around for her own security. As a result, she feels she has to put up with pretty much whatever her guy has to say, or she'll have to leave.

That's no way to live.

Secret, if you aren't in love with this man, you need to figure out what you have to do in order to leave. Then do it.

Good luck.

[Hopeless Dork]

I must admit to agreeing with you on your first sentence OTYA. The OP started this thread talking about how this man is so amazing and the only problem is his age and feeling that at some point it will be a factor too huge for her, personally, to accept.

Given that most people feel that love can conquer anything , if its real love, and that the age difference shouldnt matter if the feelings are there, that you have someone so amazing and likely irreplacable.

Slowly but surely the nature of this amazing guy has changed and changed to now he's a bad guy... hey whatever makes it easier for the OP to walk out without feeling guilty is fine. Even if it was just his age alone that should not create guilt as you need to live your life for you first, and if you don't love this man... you should not stay. Not fair to you or HIM.

But I have been following this thread too and noticed the change as well. No offense to the OP but it feels like she is trying to convince herself that the age thing isn't the issue and its something else even if the age thing is what once was... as posted in topic one .. the ONLY problem.

Not trying to make you feel bad for anything. You have a right to realize what once was a novelty and cool is now worn off , you have a right to want to go experience what you feel your missing out on... especially if you're not/no longer in love.

[Guest]

No offense to the OP but it feels like she is trying to convince herself that the age thing isn't the issue and its something else even if the age thing is what once was... as posted in topic one .. the ONLY problem.

It seems that these previously non-existent feelings were ram-rodded out of her by our residents.

Which is what i'm ashamed about.

[WildChild]

I'm really ashamed at where this thread has gone.

Once more - we've turned the husband - who has no say in the matter here, into a rabid beast.

.

He's not her husband.
I do not see where anyone has turned him into a rabid beast.

As is always the case all anyone has to respond to is what the poster chooses to share. She has shared some concerning negatives and some positives. For the most part responses have focused on the fact that there are communication problems, appear to be differing futures needs and wants and some tension.

She has expanded her concerns throughout the thread. This happens often, many times the poster starts off with some big faults of others be it an SO, friend or family member and then through the progression of the thread it becomes apparent that the OP has left out some significant negative actions on their own part. In other cases (Cassie was a good example) they start off with one problem and it increasingly becomes apparent that is barely the tip of the iceberg.

It is all too common pattern for women, especially in abusive relationships (not saying this OP is in one - I don't think she is) to underplay what is going on. We make excuses and justification for our abusers and blame ourselves. But it isn't just in absive situations that women do this, there is a tendency on the part of women to look for fault in themselves first, just as many men have a tendency to look for fault outside themselves more than for what they could change about their own actions or responses. Recognising these tendencies some of us do try to ask questions or point things out to encourage a woman to take a look from a different perspective.

I think it is obvious that this young woman's needs aren't being met in the relationship and that there are communication problems - on both sides, she has stated that. She feels shut out and shut down when she tries to talk with him about her concerns. There are essentially three choices; live with it as it is (neither changes), try to make effective change (both aknowledge a need for change and both work on it), or she leaves (she changes).

She has to make the decision. She's gotten different perspectives. This is an opinion forum, Everyone's opinions, including professionals, are colored by their personal experience and observation of other's experiences.

[SecretlySad]

Thanks again for all your input, guys. I appreciate it all.

I want to make it clear that he does NOT in any way financially support me, for those who think he does. I have always paid my way and taken care of myself.

I know it seems like I have rambled on about a lot of different things... honestly, I don't really know what the reason is, all I know is that I am unfulfilled and unhappy. I have been trying for so long to understand it and figure it out. He is a great guy and I love spending time with him - so why does each passing day in this relationship feel like a waste to me? Why does seeing all my friends going off and getting married hurt me so much, but I have no desire to do those things with him?

Basically I don't know if there is much future for he and I... maybe I have never been IN love with him, I know I was never physically attracted to him (I have only just admitted that to myself). Could it be possible that I have confused a really great friendship with a relationship all this time?

I don't know...

[rcoreyus]

While I think you should leave because of the age issue, leaving won't be a cure-all. You need to think about why you spent 5 years with someone you may not have really loved.

Again, I'm really not being mean, but you need to understand your own feelings if you want a happy relationship in the future. Are you expecting too much? Are you (like me in some ways) easily dis-satisfied and not able to be happy with what you have? Is the dis-satisfaction partly a reaction to the age issue?

[SecretlySad]

While I think you should leave because of the age issue, leaving won't be a cure-all. You need to think about why you spent 5 years with someone you may not have really loved.

Again, I'm really not being mean, but you need to understand your own feelings if you want a happy relationship in the future. Are you expecting too much? Are you (like me in some ways) easily dis-satisfied and not able to be happy with what you have? Is the dis-satisfaction partly a reaction to the age issue?

I did love him. I do love him. I loved him from the first moment we met... it's the IN love thing I am questioning. The difference between a friendship and a relationship.

Yes. No. Maybe... I don't know. Yes I suppose I am easily dissatisfied. I guess I had a vision for my life, and it hasn't turned out that way. It's like everyone else around me's life has turned out how I planned mine - except for mine!

I went through a terrible breakup with an ex who I also lived with - he made my life for about a year after... part of me is also scared of that happening again. It was the most horrible time of my life.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It seems that these previously non-existent feelings were ram-rodded out of her by our residents.

Which is what i'm ashamed about.

I know it seems like I have rambled on about a lot of different things... honestly, I don't really know what the reason is, all I know is that I am unfulfilled and unhappy.

No offense OTYA, I don't believe you've read the whole thread & posts properly..

All posters have picked up "egg shells" and commented in that regard, that's not age...

The Threader changed the thread herself with questions...evident from her above reply to you and she also states above, it not just "age"....that is where she started

The threader herself stated " I wish I could change the title of this thread", suggesting and stating that there was more to it than just age.

The threader asked if it may help her listing pros and cons, as she wrote, she saw other things.

And assuming she is "living off of him"? Where did you get that bit? I think she was merely saying that he would retire in 20 years, but she would be retiring in 40. He has been on motorbikes and had fun in his 20's and she isn't having fun. So that's where the age has come into it. But, look closer, she has stated willingly by herself alot more, before the questions were had. And, she works and has savings She doesn't live off him.


In addition, to the OP did you check out the thread I suggested regarding other women who had problem with Age? Page before this one, still on note of this thread.. there were some interesting replies and thoughts in that particular thread.

Secretly Sad
A lot of people seem to think that I am with him because I am not financially independant, but I learnt from a very young age how to take care of myself.

On a physoclogical point of view, often we have (1) reason that we focus on with a problem only to find out through sessions that there are many more reasons. Any case you read, this shows as evident.

Certainly, there are two sides to every story but we have one, and one person trying to work out if she's happy or not.

As with all Forums, you provide opinions ask questions, people answer and they take from it what makes sense to them...

HD
You have a right to realize what once was a novelty and cool is now worn off , you have a right to want to go experience what you feel your missing out on... especially if you're not/no longer in love.

Secretly Sad
Basically I don't know if there is much future for he and I... maybe I have never been IN love with him, I know I was never physically attracted to him (I have only just admitted that to myself). Could it be possible that I have confused a really great friendship with a relationship all this time?

Only you know from all that was written yesterday, what parts are factual in playing a role in your decisions. And if you, as HD stated, perhaps saw a novelty in the idea to start with and it was in-deed based on a friendship or relationship.

Although your copied and pasted post of someone elses, that states you were never ever attracted to him sexually, and that you can't fathom him touching you at all and that it was always "sex" not intimacy, loving suggests "friendship" to me. My "opinion".


Let me state on my side of it, I am not ashamed of asking you those questions, you bringing to the table all the things you were feeling, good and bad about, above the age factor... and you instigated the questions, I hope we answered some of those for you.

If I had a problem and then realised there was more to it, therefore, asked more questions and people pointed things out to me in their answers/replies, I'd be pleased that it was no longer supressed in my mind but out on the table to think about.

CW

[SecretlySad]

And assuming she is "living off of him"? Where did you get that from? Your reply is based on her living off of him.... Merely, she was stating that he would retire in 20 years, but she would be retiring in 40. He has been on motorbikes and had fun in his 20's and she isn't having fun.

When I say having fun, I don't mean sleeping around. A lot of people tend to assume this is what I mean by having fun. What I mean is more the freedom side of things - basically being able to do whatever I want without having to consider another person. Someone sent me this once, and it really made me laugh:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO'
And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theater, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her , had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

I know this is more of a fantasy than anything, but it always makes me smile. For the few months I was single, I never cried or argued with anyone, the only time I ever cry is over a guy lol. I would LOVE to travel more but even though I have lots of money saved, "we" can't afford it.

In addition, to the OP did you check out the thread I suggested regarding other women who had problem with Age? Page before this one, still on note of this thread.. there were some interesting replies and thoughts in that particular thread.

Yes, I have just seen that. I really liked your conversation with bettygreen. This post of hers spoke to me:

My husband is 16 years older than me. At first I thought that age did not matter, only love but I was wrong. I found out that both love and age does matter and you have to find ways to compromise on both sides of course to make it work.

Another thing, when I married my husband he was spry and energetic and now - thanks to spinal surgery he had 2 cervical discs removed - he can hardly walk. It is hard when I am young married to a man who now cannot keep up with me.

I love him with all my heart by my mind weighs heavily on our relationship.

I have all these concerns myself. Even though there is nothing wrong with my partner now, he is already 44, eats badly, is overweight and never exercises - he also doesn't like to be "nagged" so I have never hassled him about it... I am sure it won't be long before he has health issues of his own.

I don't want to wake up one day and be a 40 year old woman who has spent most of her life caring for her much older husband. I know that sounds selfish, and horrible, and nasty and cruel but I don't want to end up bitter and resentful.

Although your copied and pasted post of someone elses, that states you were never ever attracted to him sexually, and that you can't fathom him touching you at all and that it was always "sex" not intimacy, loving suggests "friendship" to me. My "opinion".

I think so too. But why has it taken me so long to see it? Was it because I was so young when we got together and was completely blinded by the great time we were having that I didn't even realise?

If I had a problem and then realised there was more to it, therefore, asked more questions and people pointed things out to me in their answers/replies, I'd be pleased that it was no longer supressed in my mind but out on the table to think about.

I am pleased. I am glad I can talk to someone about it. All my friends and family are really close to him so I can't discuss any of this with them. They know absolutely nothing about how I am feeling. It's been horrible holding it in.

[WildChild]

Life is a journey of growth and development, or it should be. Some people get stuck early on, never question where they are, where they are going and live in a rut in a sort of neutral emotional state. And they are fine with it, others aren't happy but for some reason aren't willing to make the changes needed, they and everyone around them are usually unhappy.

You shouldn't feel bad, or selfish or mean for wanting more out of life, especially if you are in a posistion to get it for yourself. You aren't married to this man, you don't have children together and you are increasingly unhappy. I think you need to move on. He may make if difficult (or not) - some people will do that. You have to decide what you want and do what it will take for you move in that direction.

Life is short really - no matter how long we live. Interviews with elderly people have repeatedly found that what they regret isn't what they did (unless they were really awful) but what they didn't do, the opportunitities they missed, the places they didn't go, the love they didn't have.

I was talking the other day with a freind who is in her 70s about her mother. She said watching her mother never using a nice gift item, always saving things for later, she decided to burn the candles, use the good china, use the nice lotion, wear the silk blouse, and leave her cheating husband. She is a happy woman.

You aren't 30 yet. Don't resign yourself to living less a life than you could.