[CHANDLERS WISH]

We are all different people.

You talk about age, children, marriage, people around you marrying.

You talk about being "independent" not having to answer to anyone.

What you have to work out is if you want freedom and live your own life with eventual marriage one day and children, or if you want some freedom for a short period of time, just because but really you want marriage and children.

Some women are born to get married early, raise a family.

Some women are very independent, want careers, travel, their own place, come and go as they please.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO'
And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theater, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her , had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

Haha. Very cute. It's actually not a fantasy at all, it's also how I live my life, so it can't be huh.

Yes, I have just seen that. I really liked your conversation with bettygreen. This post of hers spoke to me:

Perhaps you should answer on that thread as well then, if you feel a common denominator there ...

I think so too. But why has it taken me so long to see it? Was it because I was so young when we got together and was completely blinded by the great time we were having that I didn't even realise?

Do we enter every relationship, knowing what the outcome is going to be?

Do we have various relationships in our lives and from those relationships, learn what is important to maintain one, what helps and works and what doesn't, isn't it all a learning curb?

I am pleased. I am glad I can talk to someone about it. All my friends and family are really close to him so I can't discuss any of this with them. They know absolutely nothing about how I am feeling. It's been horrible holding it in.

Then I am glad. You know, it's important "not" to supress thoughts feelings but to get them out and then work out how to deal with those. Holding them in, doesn't create answers does it?

Mmmm... His friends would be older as well right? And, are you saying that you feel that your own family are closer to him than you? Respectfully, because of age that you have a fear that you can't actually talk to them about how you feel?

There you have to take "age" out of it and realise that they are "blood" and blood always sticks together no matter what.

I have to say, that my ex used to try to tell me that my family "agreed with him" on every aspect and that hurt. Until one day, I asked my Mother. She was furious that he even "implied that", she stated she had "never, ever agreed with him". When I left my husband, my family were right there for me, 100%..

Don't assume, unless you ask and speak you don't know.

Just like here, as you've stated, it's helped you bring it all out

I am curious though. You work, he works, you save, you have money but he says "we can't afford to go on a holiday?".

CW

[SecretlySad]

You shouldn't feel bad, or selfish or mean for wanting more out of life, especially if you are in a posistion to get it for yourself. You aren't married to this man, you don't have children together and you are increasingly unhappy. I think you need to move on. He may make if difficult (or not) - some people will do that. You have to decide what you want and do what it will take for you move in that direction.

You aren't 30 yet. Don't resign yourself to living less a life than you could.

Thanks for the kind and inspirational words, Wild Child. I really liked your whole post.

I am not sure why I feel so guilty about the things I want out of life. I wish I knew.. I guess society has instilled in me what I SHOULD be doing at this age (i.e. getting married, popping out babies) rather than what I WANT to be doing and so I feel bad about it.

What you have to work out is if you want freedom and live your own life with eventual marriage one day and children, or if you want some freedom for a short period of time, just because but really you want marriage and children.

I have always said if I was ever single again I would want a year - just one year - to myself. To do what I want and to not be tied down to anything or anyone. I would love to get married and have a family one day, but to just have this one year for me and me only, would be a dream.

Haha. Very cute. It's actually not a fantasy at all, it's also how I live my life, so it can't be huh.

Good for you!!! I can't deny I am a little jealous hehe

Mmmm... His friends would be older as well right? And, are you saying that you feel that your own family are closer to him than you? Respectfully, because of age that you have a fear that you can't actually talk to them about how you feel?

There you have to take "age" out of it and realise that they are "blood" and blood always sticks together no matter what.

Well firstly, I don't like to air my dirty laundry to people we both know. Without even knowing it, my comments could make them form an opinion of him and I don't want that. I only want them to judge him on the person he is with them, and not what goes on behind closed doors with us.

I made the mistake of complaining to my family about him once and their problem is they ALWAYS take my side no matter what. This to me is a bad thing. He is a big part of my life and I don't want them looking down on him due to something private I might have told them about us.

I feel more comfortable talking anonymously to strangers, sad as that may seem lol.

I am curious though. You work, he works, you save, you have money but he says "we can't afford to go on a holiday?"

He wants to save for a home. We are still renting and as he is "so far behind" everyone else his age, he wants to get a home - another problem caused by our different ages. Sure, at 27 I should be saving for a home too, he is always telling me how much more important it is than a measly holiday etc, but again that's not what I want... I want a home someday, but I am in no rush. I would much rather see the world while I am still young enough to enjoy it. We went on one 8 day holiday earlier this year. I think he thinks that has "tided me over" for a while, but it's quite the opposite - I got the travelling bug! It's near on impossible to compromise with him on this too...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm not sure if your just at a cross roads in your life, where you need to take time out for you for a while and whilst doing so, then decide if you want to spend your life with him or not.

With space, you will be able to ascertain, the good and the bad and how you feel about it, in it's totality.

My Property Manager is 24, (shock) he's 60, yessum... They have been together for 4 years, she loves him, he loves her, it was one of those things at the time, although he fibbed a little about his age at the inset.

They know that at some point, it will get hard. But they broke up for a couple of months and she had her freedom and she decided that she was still in love and they are happy again.

So, point being, maybe you need to just ask for some space for a while to mull things over.

I think that your not really ready for marriage and you want to use your savings for what ever you want to do in life, travel, fun, what ever, without feeling that your have to commit it to a future.

You want to let your hair down.

Tell him that.

It's normal, your only 27.. Surely he has to understand that you haven't "lived life yet", you were only 22.. You haven't even had the fun that most have had, before settling down. You basically have been settling down all your life instead of working and enjoying it and then settling down.

This may be where the age factor really plays the most part I think anyway.

CW

[SecretlySad]

II think that your not really ready for marriage and you want to use your savings for what ever you want to do in life, travel, fun, what ever, without feeling that your have to commit it to a future.

You want to let your hair down.

Tell him that.

It's normal, your only 27.. Surely he has to understand that you haven't "lived life yet", you were only 22.. You haven't even had the fun that most have had, before settling down. You basically have been settling down all your life instead of working and enjoying it and then settling down.

Yeah... another one of those things that isn't all that easy.

I think I mentioned before that he is very black and white about things. If I told him I wanted some space for a while, to do and think about the things I want, he would tell me he doesn't have time to wait around while I am basically deciding his future - funnily enough he uses his age here - "I am 44 years old, I can't wait around", and that I either want to be with him or I don't, there is nothing in between.

I either stay or I go. It's that simple - and also what makes this so hard.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Bloody decisions, decisions, it's so hard huh..

He may be black and white, it may be fear but there is this saying:-

"If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you they're yours if they don't they never will be"..

If your feeling stifled and your not sexually wanting to be with him at all, just living for the moment, will this change? Can it?

We all have to make decisions about our future, and our present.

You will work it out what matters most.

I found "being free, being me, travelling, not having to cook, what ever I want to do, rewarding, fantastic" off course, you want a companion but the difference is I won't settle. I will have / find a companion when the time is right and he will love to travel, whilst also save for our future and be compatable, in communication, trust, love, sex everything.

That is what two souls are about, aren't they?

Whilst OTYA didn't like my questions, he will agree with this one. When you find the person you want to spend your life with, there is nothing you two won't do, compromise on to make both parties happy whilst also therefore, being able to communicate and put things into prosective regarding your future.

His relationship, is perfect... And, it's what we all want.

Good in every fashion and agreeable with discussions, same likes, same thought patterns, same core values. He found the one.

So, I think we should never settle for what is. And, be un-happy, if we can't communicate and get some form of compromise and actually deeply love our partner as well.

You'll work it out sweet.

[SecretlySad]

Basically he refuses to be with someone who isn't 1000% sure they want to be with him too, which I suppose I don't blame him for... maybe this is another reason why I have always found it so hard to talk to him about my concerns, because if he thinks there is a hint of doubt in my mind, he won't stand for it.

Little does he know there is more than a hint!

[SecretlySad]

If your feeling stifled and your not sexually wanting to be with him at all, just living for the moment, will this change? Can it?

I don't think so. I live in hope that it will, but in all honesty I don't think so... if it was meant to be, I shouldn't have to force myself to be attracted to him, it should come naturally.

I have reached a point where I don't think I even want to try and fix things anymore. I know I DO love him deeply, but it is just in a platonic way. Basically I just want it to be over so I can get on with my life, but I am finding it impossible to end things. I know he is not going to be easy on me and I don't know if I can take that. Despite all this, still to this day the thought of not having him there hurts my heart.

[Guest]

Thanks again for all your input, guys. I appreciate it all.

I want to make it clear that he does NOT in any way financially support me, for those who think he does. I have always paid my way and taken care of myself.

Ah, I derived the wrong meaning from one of your posts.

I saw where Wild Child asked you if your were financially stable, and you replied, "No, not at all."

But what you meant was that you don't rely on his finances. I see that now.

Chandler, I still disagree.

I think some of the posts have elicited responses from the woman and have caused issues to exist where none did before. We've managed to turn simple arguments into world war iii. Since she isn't sure the cause of her concern, it seems we're planting all types of thoughts and worries in her head that shouldn't be there.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your entitled to your opinion OTYA

All I can say, is that Secret you did say you supressed things, had no one to talk to and are glad that you can here, so again, hope I haven't overstepped any boundries there

SecretlySad, no, you shouldn't have to force yourself to be attracted to him, perhaps you just have a deep love for him for all he has been to you, a connection and a happiness, but now it's not what you want for you.

Maybe your at different stages in your lives of what you want, he is happy to settle and your happy to get out there and enjoy life, travel etc have fun.

It seems that he has tried there, with the holiday but still that wasn't the answer for you. I always think if two people are having problems of any sorts and they go away, if both still hold a torch then the holiday usually brings back some real sparks.

I know he is not going to be easy on me and I don't know if I can take that

But, then nore would he be if you asked for a break!!!

I still think, that's your best bet so you can ascertain how you truly feel in total.

CW

[SecretlySad]

All I can say, is that Secret you did say you supressed things, had no one to talk to and are glad that you can here, so again, hope I haven't overstepped any boundries there

No, of course not. You've been great CW.

SecretlySad, no, you shouldn't have to force yourself to be attracted to him, perhaps you just have a deep love for him for all he has been to you, a connection and a happiness, but now it's not what you want for you.

Yes I think so... when we first met he was there for me when I was going through a very very tough time (the breakup with the ex) and I suppose a part of me feels like I almost owe him, for the unbeliveable kindness he showed me. He has a scar on his face that my ex boyfriend gave him, every time I look at it I shiver.

It seems that he has tried there, with the holiday but still that wasn't the answer for you. I always think if two people are having problems of any sorts and they go away, if both still hold a torch then the holiday usually brings back some real sparks.

It was quite the opposite for me really. We went away for 8 days, had sex once and then on the plane home he shut down again and wasn't speaking to me because we had gotten into another argument about it - he said I was always making excuses not to do it. That argument soured the whole holiday for me.

But, then nore would he be if you asked for a break!!!

I still think, that's your best bet so you can ascertain how you truly feel in total.

Believe me it would be well and truly over if I did... plus I don't really want to live in limbo either.