[SecretlySad]

For me one of the hardest things at the moment is the thought of having to pack away all my stuff and leave his life, right in front of him (it was a very stupid decision I made moving in with him, one that I even knew at the time was wrong - maybe if I had had my own space we wouldn't even be in this situation..).

He wouldn't make an effort to make himself scarce, he would literally be standing firm in a "this is my house" kind of way... and as I have said before, not making things easy on me in the process. I don't deal well with situations like that. We fight and I want to throw up... I have high anxiety, I am not sure how I would take that.

[caterpillar79]

You had a good start. Keep going. And by the way, don't limit your + & - to one pair on each plan of action. If you feel that there are more than 1 for each action, jot them down as well. In that way you can really see the feasibility of this.

I won't blame you for feeling that way about sex. We all have needs. When I was single, I was that way as well. I ate dark chocolates to deal with it, because I really haven't loosened up into being comfy all the time when it comes to playing myself.

[caterpillar79]

For me one of the hardest things at the moment is the thought of having to pack away all my stuff and leave his life, right in front of him (it was a very stupid decision I made moving in with him, one that I even knew at the time was wrong - maybe if I had had my own space we wouldn't even be in this situation..).

He wouldn't make an effort to make himself scarce, he would literally be standing firm in a "this is my house" kind of way... and as I have said before, not making things easy on me in the process. I don't deal well with situations like that. We fight and I want to throw up... I have high anxiety, I am not sure how I would take that.

Always hard to part with someone who cared about. Believe it or not, this happened to me - the packing up because I have to leave you scene - it tore my heart into bits. This is the reason why I came to a decision of not moving in with a bf or fiance until finally married. In that way, there is permanency. That's just me.

[SecretlySad]

Always hard to part with someone who cared about. Believe it or not, this happened to me - the packing up because I have to leave you scene - it tore my heart into bits. This is the reason why I came to a decision of not moving in with a bf or fiance until finally married. In that way, there is permanency. That's just me.

Yes, I wish I had been smart about it too. He only asked me to move in after his then flatmate announced he was moving out.

It became a big drama, his flatmate ended up staying for about another year after, and even though I would have preferred to stay where I was living with my friend, I didn't want to suddenly leave him in the lurch so I moved in - yet another example of me sacrificing for someone else and not speaking up about what I want for fear of their reaction.

I can't really think of much more at the moment but I'll give it a shot.

Friendship/Discussions

P: He truly is my best friend, and knows me better than anyone in the world. I feel more comfortable and at home with him than anyone in the world. I can actually have a healthy discussion/debate with him which is very stimulating to my mind.

N: He can be incredibly hard to have discussions with sometimes, making me feel like his opinion is the right opinion and mine is the wrong one. I don't want to meet some dopey 20 something who cant string 2 words together only to find an older man is what I really needed all along as far as mental stimulation goes.

Age

P: He has been there and can teach me about life.

N: I want to learn for myself. The future looks grim, I see myself becoming resentful as the years go on.

Fear/Dependancy

P: Being alone is a scary thought, but also unbelievably exciting to me. I want to get out there and experience life.

N: I have always had a man by my side. I don't want to freak out at the thought of dying alone and latch onto another one, finding myself in the same position all over again.

[caterpillar79]

....I would have preferred to stay where I was living with my friend, I didn't want to suddenly leave him in the lurch so I moved in - yet another example of me sacrificing for someone else and not speaking up about what I want for fear of their reaction.

I think you've got one of the root cause/s of your issues out again - see above. This is a good way to let all things out. The answer is there deep inside you, all it takes is to be able to facilitate you to say it, hear it, realize that THAT'S IT (with a light bulb)!

[SecretlySad]

I think you've got one of the root cause/s of your issues out again - see above. This is a good way to let all things out. The answer is there deep inside you, all it takes is to be able to facilitate you to say it, hear it, realize that THAT'S IT (with a light bulb)!

Hehe yes I know... I am actually already very resentful about this at my young age, even though it has all been my doing. It's the way I am because it's the way I've always been. Someone else has always been there, so I have always had to consider them.

I have tried to change it many times, but I think it is pointless trying while I am in a relationship. If I was alone I could completely focus on myself and learn to put me first. That way in my next relationship, I could speak up more about the things I want without feeling guilty and selfish.

I know I seem to keep going on about it, but I honestly just want to punch him sometimes when he talks about the freedom of his 20's. I know he doesn't do it to upset me, he doesn't even know it effects me, but I hate it. It makes me so jealous and angry, kind of like he had his time, but now in my time he wants me to save save save settle settle settle. He guilts me and tells me he made that mistake, and wished he'd saved and he doesn't want me to make the same mistake, which of course makes me feel immature and self-centred.

The main 3 things that bother me the most, I think, are:

* What I feel towards him is platonic.
* The Age factor
* His shut down/lack of communication

Unfortunately, only one of these is fixable...

[caterpillar79]

The main 3 things that bother me the most, I think, are:

* What I feel towards him is platonic.
* The Age factor
* His shut down/lack of communication

Unfortunately, only one of these is fixable...

Which is? Because...?

[SecretlySad]

His shut down/lack of communication... even then it's pushing it. He stopped his bedroom walk off for a while there, but then quickly got back into the habit.

I can't change his age, or my feelings towards him.

[SecretlySad]

You know... I have spent half the day talking about all of this stuff, but just like last night I will go home tonight, hug him and it will all go away. It's so weird.

It's like I say all of this, but as soon as I see his face I just can't bring myself to say the words out loud. We have actually nearly broken up a few times due to my concerns, but each and every time I cave, because I HATE him being mad at me, because he makes it so hard when we fight. It's like I would much rather just grin and bear it than have him make life hard for me. Immediately after I think "there goes my chance".

[CHANDLERS WISH]

How's your head?


Did you have problems as a child, being guided and told what to do? haha. No, what I mean is your being stifled, every time he says "you can do something, he then ends it with a negative", and so you don't go ahead and do it, ie) You can buy the car sweety but.....

As a child you were "told" what you were going to do and not do, and here you are at 27 still having the same thing happen...

You are "told" that your money is going to go towards this house... You can not buy that car, that holiday, no.. this is what you are doing. Take the we factor out.

You may have some independence, going out with friends, etc, but you are not independent everything you do as a couple is his way.

How will your future un-fold is his way? You have no decissions allowed.

Is that what constitutes a relationship? One sided?

So, you like a "more mature male" that can give you mental stimulation, and this is evident as you have been with this man for 5 years, off course you're not going to be able to communicate with a 20 something on the same level, but you may have fun, you may have wicked sex, you may have chemistry, lust, desires, adventures....

He may be 29, 35, 27. Age isn't the issue, it's the needs and desires of whom you are and what you want out of life but being told you can't have, yet again...


If it was AGE, you wouldn't have made this comment:-

P: He has been there and can teach me about life.

I think you feel stiffled, in a corner, can't get out, feel like you have no life, resent him now, don't want to sleep with him but dreaming about sex, laughter, fun.

I think that "no-one" can or should "force" you not to have what you want, it's his car, you should have one if that's your desire, it's called compromise, a cheap one, whilst still saving but he's not letting you have one full stop, it's "pulling" your income together, to get "his" house for "your" future, ulitmately but at a sacrifice, and that is you, being stiffled, feeling like a child.

I love what Sourpuss said as well...

2 Pages ago.

And Cat makes some very good points and yet again, your veering away from the intial thread "Age diff" but not.

I can see that feeling like a "child" who can't have, being told by an "older" person, is an age thing.

His wants and desires, verses yours, is an age thing.

Everything you write of the problems is in fact an age thing, but it's also coupled with his control over how you live your life.

Relationships should be fun, there should be lust, love and compromise, communication, "JOINT" decisions..

Your hurting inside and like a butterfly want to spread your wings.