[Texinator]

You gotta fight.. for your right.. TO CUDDLE!

Haha, sorry, Beastie Boys were on..

[Mes T]

Alright so last night finally confronted him about certain things (yay me!), and he said he agreed that he was acting differently these days and felt bad and apologized... Apparently he's incredibly stressed out about finding a job (his contract ends this summer), particularly because we both want to live in NZ for a while, but it's tough to find something over there with our qualifications. I told him pretty much everything that was on my mind and how his behavior was affecting me... I have a hunch that there might be something else going on, maybe, and I told him that he can talk to me about anything at all, if he's unhappy about something, and what I can do to help.

So that was nice. I wished the conversation would have gone on longer, but this was in bed late at night so...

He's asked this female friend of his to house-sit while we're away, meeting her today to show her around and etc, and I know this because it's on facebook... Okay... so I snooped a tad bit... I really tried to stop myself, but it was right there in front of me. NEED to not do that anymore. Especially since I always preach how snooping of any kind is bad.

Anyway and then I asked him what he was doing today and he didn't mention anything about that. Alright so it's probably nothing. He probably FORGOT that this was happening. But look, my previous serious relationship made me INSANE in certain ways, and I'm trying hard to move past that and change the way I react to certain things, but I can't help but feel a little suspicious about WHY he wouldn't tell me that he's meeting with this girl.

I need to work on my trust issues.

[Guest]

. . .

Anyway and then I asked him what he was doing today and he didn't mention anything about that. Alright so it's probably nothing. He probably FORGOT that this was happening. But look, my previous serious relationship made me INSANE in certain ways, and I'm trying hard to move past that and change the way I react to certain things, but I can't help but feel a little suspicious about WHY he wouldn't tell me that he's meeting with this girl.

I need to work on my trust issues.

I am glad you finally talked with him and got it out.

because some men think that women see other women as a threat.

or maybe he just forgot.

[Texinator]

Alright so last night finally confronted him about certain things (yay me!),

Yay Mes!

Glad to hear you finally let everything out.

[sourpuss]

Yay! I'm glad you talked to him.
One thing I've learned is that men and women react to stress differently. We want our S.O.s to dote on us and reassure us that we're loved and desired. Men just want to sleep and be left alone. It's hard not to take that personally, but it really does help understanding that.

I think things will get better now that you've broken the ice about it. Now you'll be able to mention little things and it won't be some 'big talk' situation every time something like this comes up.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Being able to communicate is wicked, and well done.

Snooping is what has and always will and you know, get you into trouble as you ponder, why? And, why didn't he mention this?

Which sends you into a spin..

So quit ... and it will all be fine, at the end of the day, if someone walks, they walk, nothing we can do about it, but if we constantly look, we will find things that aren't there, so what's the point?

CW

[sourpuss]

Well, great. So I tried to make the compromise and just mellow out and not be affectionate, no initiating sex, etc. And what I realized was that actually acknowledging my feelings was what was keeping the spark there for me.

He's happy as a clam, but now I feel like we're just buddies and once in a while we may have sex if he wants to. I feel like everything in the relationship is on his terms now. I hate it. I also realized that he was misinterpreting me showing affection with me wanting to have sex all the time. Now, after being turned down so many times and being constantly told that all I want to do is have sex everyday (even though that wasn't what my intentions were), I have a complex about it and don't want to even be touched or kissed.

I can tell I'm totally feeling resentful about the whole thing. I feel like I made a huge compromise to not be affectionate to make him happy, but it came at the expense of my happiness. It's like he wants the old me to be all cheerful and loving, but at arms length until he's feeling like having sex or being close or whatever.
UGH!

[Mes T]

Omg. I hear ya, especially about how that's your way of keeping the spark! Well have you talked to him about this specifically?? I've just returned from a week long vacation with my boyfriend, and one thing I learned was that he's essentially CLUELESS about all these problems I'm having with the relationship and needs things SPELLED OUT for him.

For instance, yesterday I broke down in tears (in the middle of Manila of all places, at least that part was kinda cool hehe ) because I had had enough of his stupid bad moods. Every day, SOMEthing sets him off. Yesterday he had lost his favorite hat, and apparently it was all my fault...?? Anyway, he spent hours being angry and mean... And eventually I started crying and told him how his bad moods really affect me, that I don't know how to deal with them, etc etc, and he was just like, "I had no idea, I'm so sorry, I feel like a jerk, yadda yadda." I also realized that he's not good at talking about problems because immediately after he a) said nothing more about the topic so that essentially it was left unresolved and b) started thinking about what to BUY me to make me happy. Don't get me wrong, I love gifts, but jeez, I want to be happy first and THEN I'll be glad to receive all the gifts he can throw at me.

Wow I went off on a tangent there. Anyway sourpuss, you might find this "funny" but... Last night, our last night in the Philippines, he was feeling particularly chipper, and we were laying in bed about to go to sleep and he got SUPER cuddly and affectionate... And instead of enjoying it, all I could do was wonder what the heck had gotten into him and how long it would last until he went back to his old, unaffectionate ways.

Anyway, I'm definitely feelings resentful these days, about his moods, about his lack of affection... Maybe those two are related... ? And about how clueless he is about everything. EVERYthing. He's 30 years old, but I swear, sometimes he acts like a spoiled little toddler.

[Guest]

Mes_T,

I understand your frustration, but a lot of guys just seem to see things in a different way. it's not them trying to be that way, or be mean, or anything. it is just who they are. Now I'll agree that there are some women who are that way too, but it seems to be more prevalent in men.

let me ask you this, regardless of exactly how he is acting, do you honestly believe that in his mind he is trying the best he can?

we judge ourselves on our intentions, and others on their actions.

what are his intentions?

[sourpuss]

OMG Mes, I swear they are long lost brothers.
We did talk about it last night after me being grumpy all day. To his credit, as soon as I'm not myself he wants to talk about it.
He acknowledged that I am more affectionate than he and said he wants to work on making it better....not sure what that means though. I have a feeling it means that we'll work on me not letting it bother me rather than him changing. We'll see.