[atskitty2]

Have you ever thought about what it means for another person to be needed in such a way?

[raczbac]

Well I hope it makes them feel good. I feel the best in a relationship when I know I am needed by someone. I mean I think you do need some space, I'm not saying that the other person is the only thing that can make a person feel good, friends in particular. But if I feel needed and wanted by someone, and I need and want them back, yes I feel happy about the relationship and hope they do too. If two people are perfectly happy without each other what is the point of having a relationship?

[atskitty2]

its BS because I don't believe that it's possible to feel love without feeling that each person needs the other to be happy.

This quote. This is the thing, and I'm not sure which you really mean. You say "needs the other". Yet your last post seemed to explain it differently.

I don't want to be anyone's reason for being happy or unhappy. I think its healthy to be happier together, But being dependent on someone else for my happiness is not what I want.

And I'm speaking about general happiness and contentment in life. Not just being happy in the company of our partner.

It's a rotten feeling that I could be so important to anyone that they can't be happy without me. Or without "someone", in which case, I'm not special at all.

I think when we come together as a couple, there can be a sort of healthy dependence and mutual giving that leads to a very deep bond. I wouldn't have an issue with that.

Maybe I misunderstand what you really are looking for.
Guys who can't stand to be without a girlfriend are huge red flags for me.

In fairness, I do often feel that I can be a bit of a hard *** and leave too much space. That's something I have to work on too.

I can imagine in Cali, the search is even more difficult than in my area of the country.

[raczbac]

I guess I just equate feeling needed, having another need me, with happiness. Doesn't it make you feel good to be needed or are you so complete a person it doesn't matter? Call it happiness or not, doesn't matter.

In any case, getting there seems an impossible task for all the reasons we've been discussing. I think it would be easier if I felt I had something to offer someone new. I just don't, and hoping for sympathy isn't going to cut it as you have so astutely pointed out. So I'll keep pretending it can happen, that there's someone out there, but deep down know it's pretty darn unlikely. C'est la vie.

[amy40]

Doesn't it make you feel good to be needed

it's different for women

recently posted on forum survey results that showed single women were the happiest, followed by married men, and married women were the least happy (if I remember correctly)


women still have the lion's share of housework and childcare
so a marriage seems like a lot of work to women

I love my husband but if anything were to happen, have already made decision that I'd never marry again and would rather remain single

[raczbac]

Are you talking about marriage the legal institution or just being in a committed relationship? I'm no fan of the legal institution or the devastating financial consequences for a divorced man. But why would you not want the love of a committed relationship, however you want to define that love.

[amy40]

But why would you not want the love of a committed relationship, however you want to define that love.

been with husband since my 20's so we "grew" up together and experienced so much including becoming a family
I could never experience all those firsts again with another person nor could anyone ever take his place

I just couldn't start over with another person

[raczbac]

So you think it's basically not possible to love again after that kind of relationship? Or would you just rather not try? Having just come out of that situation I definitely question whether it's possible to love again, even if I could find someone that would accept me.

[amy40]

I definitely question whether it's possible to love again, even if I could find someone that would accept me.

of course, it's possible to love again and many people do
your situation is different, you are looking for that person and want to find them and so you shall



(I just wouldn't want to and being introverted, it would be too much 4 me to become part of another family)

[atskitty2]

Of course I want to be needed, feel valued and treasured. I hope to "need" someone again too. I am actually a very giving person in a loving relationship. But your notion of "you complete me" is very different, to me.

I don't know how long Y'all were separated before the divorce was final 8 months ago, but my guess is that you need some time to heal. 26 yrs is a long time. Maybe it was mostly unhappy or tumultuous, but to leave that and go looking for a new relationship right away is probably not the best idea. It's a grieving process, and healing needs to happen before you can move on. That happens at a different pace for all of us. Having had a rough marriage, I don't think it makes it any easier or faster to get through the steps to healing. I'd recommend some time to yourself, not even thinking of dating.

I was with my ex-husband for over 20 yrs, total. Took me probably 3 yrs before I was ready for a relationship. I started dating a year after the divorce, but looking back, I wasn't ready. Even since then, I've taken many breaks from dating. If I'm not 100% with myself, what do I have to offer someone, mentally, emotionally and physically? Now I still wonder, with all that's going on in my life, if I should be dating at all. I have learned just to be honest and clear with men about my place in life and expectations for a relationship. They can choose to hang around or not, based on their own needs and expectations.

What I think is, no chemistry with you, may translate to "I don't think I could meet your needs in a relationship". I've felt that way before, and I even just came right out and said it once. Lol. That was followed by him hurling insult after insult at me. So, I won't be saying that again. I think he'd been told before that he is a very needy guy, and I pinched an exposed nerve.


Dating is hard. Very few find what they're looking for quickly, at least in my observation.