[Kels08]

My boyfriend and i have been together for about 5 years and moved in together for about two and honestly been considering marriage and i think we are headed for that and very excited. Well about a month ago he was diagnosed with epilepsy and we aren't even sure where this came from or where these seizures have come from. It has been a rough transition honestly. Well when we first found out we kind of eased up on doing it because of the seizures. But it has been a full month now and i sat him down the other day to try and talk it through and he told me he is scared because of the seizures and doesn't want to do it because he is worried about having one during the dead and doesn't want me to see him like that. I am honestly unsure what to do this is starting to get frustrating me. Its been difficult learning about seizures and the epilepsy. What should i do? Advice?

[Pollon]

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel about my girlfriend of five years if she sat me down to complain about how I'm not satisfying her sexual needs only one month after being diagnosed with a life-threatening condition that could strike at anytime and, apparently, with no known cause or cure.

Wow!!! That would certainly make me rethink our future.

It would be understandable if you decided not to risk your future on a relationship with him.

But if you do want to make this relationship go, I'd suggest an apology that went something like...

"..Honey, I realized that I was way out of line complaining about my needs while you're in the middle of this incredibly frightening time. I guess maybe my fears about the future led me to seek comfort. And one of the ways I feel most safe and secure is being intimate with you. I'm sorry that it came out the way it did. Please forgive me for being so insensitive..."


Hopefully he'll believe it..

Good luck

[Kels08]

I never thought of it like that. Now i feel really bad.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Kels, welcome to WH.

It's only understandable that your boyfriend has a great fear at present, it's early days and he doesn't know much about epilepsy but for 70% of people, it can be controlled via medication and if not, surgery can help.

It's not known exactly what causes it but stress and lack of sleep can definitely trigger it.

These for instance are some things that can trigger it:-

Some possible triggers include: Lack of sleep
Missed medication
Alcohol
Certain drugs (prescription and recreational)
Flickering lights or patterns
Stress
Illness (especially with diarrhoea or vomiting)
Significant variation in temperature and overheating.

I'd say he's done a lot of reading and is very scared so Pollon is right, you really need to support him and understand that he has an illness that he may be able to get under control but the importancy of your support is really needed.

I also think you need to know the signs and what to do. Other than calling an ambulance so I would suggest that you do some research so you are well armed.

Here also is some information regarding epilepsy and sex. Each person is different, remember that and also, we are here to support you whilst you go down the journey of exploring how to help your boyfriend.




Does having epilepsy affect sex?



Epilepsy can have effects on sex, and sex has effects on epilepsy. Many people with well controlled epilepsy have a comfortable, satisfying sex life. Having a supportive partner who provides emotional closeness, as well as sexual intimacy, is perhaps the greatest asset in helping people with epilepsy feel positive about themselves, which in turn improves seizure control. Anxiety and stress are known seizure "triggers". Sex can release stress, and help relax people, thereby reducing seizure frequency.

People living with epilepsy frequently encounter sexual difficulties. These can be due to the epilepsy itself, the medications used to treat the illness, or due to reactions of partners and others to the diagnosis of epilepsy.

[Kels08]

He has been doing well as of late since they started him on meds. I have done a little bit of research and kind of know what to do usually when he comes to after a seizure he is lethargic and sore and just wants to be near me.

[Motorguy]

My boyfriend and i have been together for about 5 years and moved in together for about two and honestly been considering marriage and i think we are headed for that and very excited. Well about a month ago he was diagnosed with epilepsy and we aren't even sure where this came from or where these seizures have come from. It has been a rough transition honestly. Well when we first found out we kind of eased up on doing it because of the seizures. But it has been a full month now and i sat him down the other day to try and talk it through and he told me he is scared because of the seizures and doesn't want to do it because he is worried about having one during the dead and doesn't want me to see him like that. I am honestly unsure what to do this is starting to get frustrating me. Its been difficult learning about seizures and the epilepsy. What should i do? Advice?

No where in your statement Kels, you said your boy friend was any medication for his epilepsy. With it he can live a very normal life. But your complaint seem all about you and how frustrated you are with not having sex for a month. Well first you should be saying lets get you check out first see what the real problem is could be something even worse. Then worry why he not wanting to have sex with you. It seem like it all about you and your feeling and pleasure instead of what is wrong with your boyfriend. Remember your BF has feeling as well not just you so maybe work on that. So not having sex in a month is not the end of the world many couples have gone longer with out sex then a month.

[Euphoric]

Um…double what Pollen said. Most traditional marriage vows include in sickness and in health. You're frustrated with one month of illness after five years that must have been pretty darn good, otherwise, you'd have bolted before now and not considered marriage.

That said, if you feel you can't handle or don't want to deal with a man who has a health issue, then you should end the relationship because he needs a loving partner who will help and support him, not emasculate him.

IMO, having a partner with compatible libido and fulfillment is important. There are other 'modalities' that can be incorporated during times of incapacitation. Anticonvulsant medication can lower one's libido or 'performance,' especially while titrating up on meds to control/prevent seizures. He may have issues for a few months, but once his medication kicks in, he will probably lead a very 'normal' life with very few episodes. I understand his fear and I'm sure he is shocked and scared. Going from living a happy, carefree life to being plagued with an affliction is mind boggling at best.

My suggestion would be to educate yourself, research, do some soul searching and be honest with yourself. Do you love him enough to support him through this trying time and possible future complications, or would you consider him a burden? I'd also encourage you to attempt to put yourself in his shoes.

Back to sex, maybe starting out slowly would make him more receptive. Example: give him oral and see how he manages. No seizure, he may get more comfortable. Next, try cowgirl position where you are doing most if not all the work. In other words, take baby steps. If he responds well, he may get the encouragement and reassurance he needs to re-engage.

[Kels08]

No where in your statement Kels, you said your boy friend was any medication for his epilepsy. With it he can live a very normal life. But your complaint seem all about you and how frustrated you are with not having sex for a month. Well first you should be saying lets get you check out first see what the real problem is could be something even worse. Then worry why he not wanting to have sex with you. It seem like it all about you and your feeling and pleasure instead of what is wrong with your boyfriend. Remember your BF has feeling as well not just you so maybe work on that. So not having sex in a month is not the end of the world many couples have gone longer with out sex then a month.

I honestly didn't mean for it to come off like that. Sorry about not mentioning the medsi guess i thought it was a given.

[Kels08]

Um…double what Pollen said. Most traditional marriage vows include in sickness and in health. You're frustrated with one month of illness after five years that must have been pretty darn good, otherwise, you'd have bolted before now and not considered marriage.

That said, if you feel you can't handle or don't want to deal with a man who has a health issue, then you should end the relationship because he needs a loving partner who will help and support him, not emasculate him.

IMO, having a partner with compatible libido and fulfillment is important. There are other 'modalities' that can be incorporated during times of incapacitation. Anticonvulsant medication can lower one's libido or 'performance,' especially while titrating up on meds to control/prevent seizures. He may have issues for a few months, but once his medication kicks in, he will probably lead a very 'normal' life with very few episodes. I understand his fear and I'm sure he is shocked and scared. Going from living a happy, carefree life to being plagued with an affliction is mind boggling at best.

My suggestion would be to educate yourself, research, do some soul searching and be honest with yourself. Do you love him enough to support him through this trying time and possible future complications, or would you consider him a burden? I'd also encourage you to attempt to put yourself in his shoes.

Back to sex, maybe starting out slowly would make him more receptive. Example: give him oral and see how he manages. No seizure, he may get more comfortable. Next, try cowgirl position where you are doing most if not all the work. In other words, take baby steps. If he responds well, he may get the encouragement and reassurance he needs to re-engage.

I don't consider him a burden at all i love him more then anything. I am sorry it came off so bad just very scared.

[effy2014]

I don't consider him a burden at all i love him more then anything. I am sorry it came off so bad just very scared.

Being completely scared is understandable. Often when we write down our emotional circumstances they come off as being far more "me centered" than intended. Starting the conversation with your BF over again, after consideration of the comments that you have received, may be in order. We all understand the need for a healthy level of intimacy in a relationship. Pollon was exactly correct -- one month into the diagnosis was too soon.

As Euphoric suggested, focus the conversation on small steps to build trust and help him through his fears. CW's post that intimacy can help reduce stress and therefore reduce possible triggers may be a place to start. Go very slowly -- each baby step will build confidence and lead to the next. The trust building is to give him the comfort that even if he seizes during sex, you can handle it with love, with technical competence and without losing a bit of respect or love for him.

Best of luck to you.