[Hope954]

Spoke with my ex again last night for a really long time - he said because I work Sats (remember I made this up as excuse not to see him yet) that maybe we could meet this Sat night. I told him I will try but it will be hard to find sitter. He says his sis will keep him for us without a problem. Told him that I don't want to inconvenience him or his sis and that I would try to get sitter and let him know. My own sis will keep him without a problem, I am just kinda still holding him off. Only the me holding him off is more the logical side of me and not the emotional side, I want to see him really bad too.

So, I am going to take the night to seriously think about it and I'll call him in the morning to tell him yes or no about us getting together tomorrow night. I will let you all know what happens.

My current BF/baby's daddy starts trial this coming Tuesday. So, we should know pretty soon exactly how much time he is facing. I think that once I know exactly what I am dealing with - it will be easier for me to pull the trigger.

[Hope954]

HI Everyone! I saw my ex! We met for dinner this past Saturday at Applebees. When I pulled into the parking lot he was waiting and we shared a nice hug. Then, he looked at me and said that I still looked really good - I returned the compliment, which wasn't hard at all to do - he is still as fine as I remembered him to be. He then told me to get back in the car and follow him. I did - we ended up at a restaurant called Bahama Breeze which has great romantic ambience and a little outside section on the water and the lighting is really intimate. (We live in South Florida and it could not have been a more perfect night to sit out by the water and talk.)We talked the whole time and it was very natural. We stayed there about one hour after we'd finished eating just still talking.

He was telling me all about his career and his son that is now in college and plays basketball really well. He was just talking to me like we were never apart. I also found out that he is still single. He did ask the dreaded question - What happened with me and my current BF? Guys I know we discussed this and I was supposed to say that I was in the process of breaking it off. But, I lied and told him that I wasn't with him anymore. I was just so entranced by him that I wanted to give him a door to walk through in case he still feels like I do. He just said, "Mmmm.. interesting.." with that handsome smile of his. Both he and I were all smiles the whole time. I asked him why was he smiling so much and he said the same reason you are. He was looking at me with this look of lust and it was definetly mutual, I wanted to strip his clothes off of him right there. But, I promised myself that I would not appear too eager or go too far so after we walked by the water for about another hour talking (nothing really about us - just random things that popped in our heads), I told him that it was nice seeing him again, but I needed to go. I can see that he did not want me to leave but being the gentleman that he is, he walked me to my car and said that he hopes he can see me again soon. We hugged again but that one was tighter and longer.

He called me about 5 minutes after I left him to tell me to call him to let him know when I make it home safe. I did and we spent about 10 minutes on the phone. He was all flirty then - I asked him why he wasn't behaving that way when we were together. He said that he guess he froze up and he was really just happy to see me again. He said seeing me bought back a lot of memories of us. I asked him which memories of us - he answered, "Everything" - still not completely sure what that means. When I was with him we had a great 3 years together and then a few horrible months at the end.

So, I of course was blown away just by how good we still get along and how interested he still seems in me. But, I am still not sure if he only wants some. He told me he was going to call me one day this week, because he has a busy week. I have not heard from him yet since Saturday night. Based on what I just shared - do you guys think my ex is still feeling me too or could he maybe just thinking about getting that great sex again? NO1 - I can definelty use a guys perspective on this too!

Meanwhile, the court date for my current BF/Baby's Daddy was set off. I should know new courtdate in a few days. Today is Tuesday so I'll be going to see him again tonight. I don't know if I made such a great decision seeing the ex - because since that night he's been on my mind really heavy and the good feeling he put in me made me realize that I have really been shorting myself with the current BF. He just doesn't make me feel like my ex does - not even close. With my ex, I feel special, happy, excited - makes me feel like a little girl on Christmas or something. That's another thing y'all - I really got it bad for him and I am not entirely sure that he feels the same way. I need some advice on how to get my mind back OFF of him for long enough to function and take care of my own little "baggage". It's bad - everytime my cell phone rings I am secretly hoping its him. HELP!

[JLockhart]

Sounds really great. From this guy’s perspective, it really does sound like he is interested in you, although as always, there are no guarantees. Frankly, I would not spend too much time worrying about that part of it because the signs are good and it is ultimately beyond your control. And, you have bigger fish to fry. You will just have to take a chance on getting your heart broken, but in the end I don’t think you will have any regrets about taking your best shot, given your feelings about him.

Now I need to mention that I am concerned that you told the ex that you have already broken up with BD (baby’s daddy). Understandable, but it complicates things in several areas. I just don’t want to see this whole thing to blow up in your face, and I don’t want you to blow it with the ex by creating a trust issue.

If BD has ever been violent, you will need to take steps to protect your personal safety when you breakup with him. Since he has kids with so many women, it does appear that he is adept at moving on, so hopefully it won’t be an issue. If BD lives with you (when he is not in jail), that means getting through this process will be quite a bit more complicated.

Sorry – I’m not trying to bring you down, just want you to be careful!

[Hope954]

Thanks JLockart - didn't know you were a guy too! Yes, my ex does live with me when he is not in jail and that's the main reason I really should not have told my ex that. I don't know what got in to me. I think I was in the moment and just couldn't see past him (my ex) at the time. I have to get better at that. Not only does my current BF live with me - he might not be doing prison time - he may be home really soon.

I spoke with his Attorney today and it seems they found that the officer who arrested him was lying about chasing him in the car. Whenever an officer chases someone in a vehicle, they have to (by law) call it in. The only transmission they have a record of is the officer saying that he was chasing him on foot. Running from a police officer on foot is a misdeamenor while running in a vehicle is a felony. So, he would then only have to pay $300 child support and whatever fees they put on him to bond out on the misdeamenor until he goes back to court. At that time they can give him time served, probation - worst case scenario he could get 365 days county time because once the felony is removed - his past score sheet doesn't count and he'll only be facing the consequences those charges normally carry. So, he may be out on bond like within the next few weeks. But, he did not go to court today and they still have to have a date to go to court on it to see if the prosecution and judge will drop the felony. (The Attorney says in most cases when the officer lies - the case is dropped).

I know normally a girl should be happy that her man should be coming home soon. But in the little time he's been gone something has changed in me - and I don't want to go back. Truthfully - I was hoping he would get at least a year so that I could have time to move my residence. He has never been violent with me, but he is a volatile type and has been in fights with a few guys since I met him. There was even an incident about a year ago where him and another guy got into a fight over gambling and he gave the guy a bloody nose. The next day the guy saw him and jumped out of the car with a gun. They got into a scuffle and somehow he took the gun and shot the guy in the leg and stomach with his own gun. They took him to jail too until they spoke with all the witnesses - but he was never charged in that case. I am very afraid of what he might do if/when I tell him it is over. It would have been much easier to write him a letter telling him its over, put all of his stuff in storage and move. I know that we have our son and eventually I'll have to see him again, but I can wait until things cool all the way down (even if it takes few years) if he doesn't know where I live.

The funny thing is I have worked very hard to get my home and to have the things that I have. But, I would pick up everything and move to get away from him peacefully. Whether it ends up working with the ex or not, I finally know that I really don't want to be with him. I deserve to be happy and so does he. It's really not fair to him either for me to be with him only because we have a kid but not be in love with him. All of us want that one that takes our breath away and if its not my ex - then, its some other guy that I will meet one day down the road. I can be patient for that - I still have lots I want to do for myself. But that special guy - is definetly not the one I am with. Any suggestions on how to actually break up with him without getting myself hurt? Reality is he has no idea I'm thinking of leaving - he thinks he'll be out and just back at home. My stomach almost hurls at the thought of he and his kids back at my house. I really don't know what to do...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You really know what you are doing though, you know your not in love and it's time to live for you, and that's fantastic.

You need to tell your family of your intentions so they are there for you..

Do you own the house? Or you both lease it / rent it?

What is the situation there?

Materialist things, don't stress, you can start again.

It does sound like he will leave you alone regarding the child, as he has so many and you may have to go it alone, doesn't sound like he will hound you for seeing his child...

At least you are lucky there.

Can you grab everything and go somewhere now? Before he comes out? Somewhere he doesn't know for the time being whilst you work things out?

CW

[Hope954]

You need to tell your family of your intentions so they are there for you..
I've only spoke with my sis about it and I have her full support. My mother raised us as a single mom and is really about family. She will want me to try to work it out first and along with telling her comes a long lecture, but I think I may have a sit down with her this coming weekend. That long lecture will heed some advice.

Do you own the house? Or you both lease it / rent it?
I lease the house. Well, maybe I should say we because we did move in there together. But, my name is on the lease (he does not have the credit) and I paid the down pymt and I pay the house bill. It is a 2/2, eat-in kitchen, Florida room (den with big windows), garage, and screened-in patio with pool. The owner has asked if I'd like to buy it and I was planning on it. My lease ends in October. I absolutely love the house - that's why I always refer to it as "my house."

It does sound like he will leave you alone regarding the child, as he has so many and you may have to go it alone, doesn't sound like he will hound you for seeing his child...Oh yes, not seeing his child will be a problem. He is not a flat out dead beat dad, like that. I think he just has too many to pay the support. Even the ones that are grown he still owes back pay on. He owes a total of like $18,000 if you total support for all of them. He sees and has a relationship with all of his kids and sometimes gives them money to their own hands - not through their mothers. Remember that two of them was living with us when their mom couldn't keep them. He loves his children. He and our 2 year old son are very close. That's one of the things that makes this so hard. Also, I have bond with his parents (they love me and tell me that I am the best thing to ever happen to their son) and he has bond with my family, as well.

I have been with him for 3 1/2 years - there is nowhere that I know of that he does not know of. He knows where everyone in my family lives and outside of family - no there's no where me and my son can go in a hurry.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mmmm.. you are in a hard place aren't you.

Well, you have to start with the truth... I am sorry, I have fallen out of love....no point beating around the bush..

No person takes that lying down, easy and that's why I think you need all the support you can get, via your family.

I am as others are, still a tad concerned, I mean he may trash the house, in anger, he may hit you in anger and you certainly don't want to bring up this other guy, as you know already, if it's not him, it will be someone else, you are simply not happy anymore in this relationship.

His family will always have ties with you, they had a grandchild, they will cope.

And, the only person that matters is you, we only have one life.

If the property is under your name well you can stay, change the locks and aim at buying it later...

But, if you have any fear what so ever, you will have to move, break the lease....

It's a tough one, you mention a few headaches of "anger" with this guy so how he will react after beating possibly prison, who knows.

I am thinking a house is a house ( I sell them for a living), explain it to your landlord, break the lease, move in with your sister, mum, someone for a while and get your life back in order...

Maybe even use all of what has occured has scared you, let him down gently, say you need time out to think... And let him get used to the idea.

Yes, i did forget about the other children and no I don't think that we knew the attention he pays to his children, based on a couple of other posts, it sounded more like he has them and neglects to tell the next partner.

CW

[Guest]

Yes, my ex does live with me when he is not in jail and that's the main reason I really should not have told my ex that.

Not really, the main reason is because it's the truth!

But I understand, you kinda got caught up in the moment - even though you had the chance to fix the misstatement before you left. I know that if I were told something like that and then later found out it wasn't true, I'd have a hard time trusting the person later, and might even think that the person is just "shopping for a better deal".

want my comments? ok here...

You either want to be with your current BF/baby's daddy or you don't, regardless of any potential with your ex or not. even with all of the added +'s you've mentioned about his interactions with his many children, you just don't seem to be happy based on what you write here.

You know what you want to do. What in your mind is keeping you from doing it? And be honest with yourself about it!

[Hope954]

Hi NO1 - glad for your input as always. You are absolutely right - I know I really should have not lied to him. I really hate to ruin the trust with him. I may have to retract it, but then not sure how that'll go over either. Yet, one lie leads to another and he's not the type that plays games so I don't want to appear as I am playing with him or "shopping for something better" because he is the one that right now holds my heart (he doesn't know this). or maybe I can get rid of the current BF and it will be true then.

I visited with my current BF last night and he was a little upset because he thought his court date was yesterday and thought he would be coming home yesterday due to the new findings in his case. I think he may feel that something is changing because he kept telling me that no matter what I do please do not leave him. Of course, I want to so I just wasn't saying anything. He started to tell me all the things he plans to do when he gets out to help out more financially and to be a better man to me and a better father. He says he's sorry for leaving me out here alone and he promises that he will never go back and he's going to make payment arrangements will Child Support Services so he can make affordable payments and on and on and on... (I hear guys tend to make these promises when they are in jail). I am such a scardy sometimes - that was my definite in right there. But, he just looked so sad. His eyes looks like he's going through it and I just hate to add more to what is already on his plate.

But, after I left last night - I did some heavy thinking. I've always heard that all is fair in love and war. So, either I am going to do what I want to do for me or I am going to let this guy come home and I am still going to be stuck in the situation I've been in and it will be forever before I ever get away from him. Just time wasted with someone and in a situation that I feel is not good for me. So, I've decided to go ahead and pull the trigger or at least get the ball rolling.

So, this is what I am thinking. When I go to visit him next week, I am going to use what always causes arguments in our relationship. He always tells me that I act as if I don't love him because there are certain things that just come naturally that you do for people that you love. I didn't realize that I don't do those things, but I guess he does. He says that the source of his insecurities with me is me because I act like my head is somewhere else. I have never cheated on him - no friend on the side even to just talk to, but I guess he may already know that the feeling isn't mutual. So, when I go to visit him this coming Tuesday - I am going to tell him that I really need to talk to him about us. I am going to tell him that what he's been feeling has not been him imagining things. I do care for him but I do not love him the way that he loves me and that I've been trying over the years to hope that my heart will love him but it just won't and I don't think its fair to him or me to be in a relationship like this. Not fair to me because I am with someone I don't love and not fair to him because he's with someone who doesn't love him. I don't see a way to find happiness in this situation. Then his kids added insult to injury. I am a new mom as it is and then to have to take on the responsibility of two more kids was just way more than I signed up for. Then, him not telling me about all of his kids until I was already pregnant and engaged to him. I feel that he deceived me and did not give me an opportunity to decide if this was a situation I wanted or not. I really need some time to think about what I need to do for me to be happy and I am sorry for hurting him - I never intended to, I thought that the feelings would come with time, but they just never did. I am going to tell him that he can have the Lexus + $2000 so that he can get a place for him and his 2 boys and that I am sorry but I cannot continue to be unhappy anymore.

So, what do you guys think? I have until next Tuesday to totally get my nerves up to do this. But, do you think that's a good out. It's the truth and I always heard that the truth will set you free. Please truth set me FREE!!! I need input. Thank you all for all of the help this far - this really is helping me and my situation.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I do care for him but I do not love him the way that he loves me and that I've been trying over the years to hope that my heart will love him but it just won't and I don't think its fair to him or me to be in a relationship like this. Not fair to me because I am with someone I don't love and not fair to him because he's with someone who doesn't love him.

I thought that the feelings would come with time, but they just never did

Is that the truth?

If so, I would leave that bit out.

Can you imagine someone breaking up with you and stating I never loved you at all, just thought that I might in time, buy hey, i got engaged to you but not cause i ever loved you................

Mis-trust.
Deceived.

You don't trust him anymore... That's all you need to say.

In my opinion....

CW