[ThexMrs]

Oh and here is something else that I forgot to mention. He told me (the last time we had sex) that he's surprised I even have sex with men because of being raped so many times. He said that he thinks that maybe my not cumming is something mental because of the rapes. He then said that we didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to and that he doesn't need it to be happy and he hopes I don't do it just to make him happy. He said that he just loves spending time with me. I told him that I want to please him and he said that I don't need to worry about that.

I actually live with a guy who raped me right now. This just happened Sunday. I moved in because I had no where else to go. I don't see him often, once a day. Well, I told him today that I actually live with this guy and he was quite upset by that. The man that raped me came up the stairs while we were hanging out in my room. He asked me who the voice was and I said no one because I didn't want a confrontation. He said, Lindsay, who is that? Is that him? I said yes... He instantly tensed up. He said that he will try not to do something but that he wants to. I told him he can't do anything about it. He said if it were 10 years ago I could. (He used to be a Police Officer) I said well it's not 10 years ago, please... Don't do anything. He was tense for a while but I got him to calm down.

So... Back at square one. Is this true love?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

OMG you always throw spanners in the works...

The guy LOVES YOU, he wants to PROTECT YOU, he wants you to ENJOY, he is putting his needs LAST.

WTF are you doing living with the guy who raped you, is this the one that you communicated with via MSN, that apologised to you?

You should count your lucky stars that you have met a guy that wants to stand by you, protect you, understand you, be there and love you, un-conditionally.

It's time you realised it exists and stop going back to the ways you are used to used, and abused...

That's the problem, you don't think you deserve such love well guess what kitten, you do.

Don't lose this guy he's magic and you will have magic with him once you get your mind around the fact that someone actually, honestly, cares and loves you for once.

That is all.

CW

[ThexMrs]

I am living with my brother and his girlfriend BUT her cousin (the one who raped me) lives in the same house. He just lives in the bottom part of it. I had no where else to go. I'm not exactly uncomfortable because I don't see him a whole lot but when I do see him I just want to rip his face off and feed it to the dogs. I don't even think the dogs would eat him. Disgusting! Her uncle that raped me lives down the street. I've seen him once since I moved in here. I had dinner with her family. I'm not as disgusted by him as I am the cousin. I really think that her uncle felt bad but her cousin is so cocky and egotistical that he shows no remorse. He called me last March (2008) and told me I was lucky that he didn't have a three way when his uncle was raping me. He also said that he did nothing wrong except where he demeaned me by sticking the lip of an empty beer bottle inside of me and a lighter. That was it though. That's the only thing he felt bad about but I really don't even think he felt bad.

I suppose that's true.

I don't feel like I deserve to be loved without abuse coming along with it. I've never had a healthy relationship with anyone. Marty and I were healthy at times but there were times that things did get vile between us. He's the only one that I think ever truly loved me but then again, if you love someone I don't feel that you cheat on them. I really do think that he cared about me despite what he did.

I think this not feeling worthy of love stems back to my father. If he really loved me then why would he kill himself? I feel like he didn't love me enough to stay alive so if my own father couldn't/didn't love me then how could anyone else?

I want love... I want it so badly! I don't want to settle though.

And I still have feelings for my ex, Marty. I'm not head over heels in love with him anymore but I do care about him deeply. Very deeply. I just wish that would go away. It probably doesn't help that him and I talk almost everyday again.

[WildChild]

Oh dear, you and I have to talk. I'll PM you later - don't let me forget (super busy day).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Marty, "did things too", decided that he would try a few things that you didn't exactly feel comfortable with and, he cheated on you.

It's a viscous cycle.. Your still in that cycle, but this guy can "BREAK" that cycle, look at it from a physcological point of view, you want to teach physcology... But, where does he live? I know your staying with family at present, so if you moved again, will he be able to still be in your life? Where did you meet this guy? Curious on that side that's all.

I think I asked you once if your Brother knew about his girlfriend's cousin, I don't recall the answer.

I urge you to leave there and go back to your Uncles until you can find somewhere else to stay, you don't need to be living in this reminder and what your cousin did and said is discusting..

Your Father loved you remember what you wrote in another thread, he was there for you, you both sat watching movies together but he had issues and he would not want you to go through life thinking he deserted you, he gave up on himself, not you, he didn't desert you, if you look hard enough within yourself.

I am sorry for what's happened in your life but your young, your strong, you have a future and you have to stop living in the past.. It's time for you to step out into the present...

You can do it as well, you know you can.

CW

[renee69]

I think that its possible to fall for someone in a short period of time! It happened to me and its hard for me to get close to anyone! We've been married for 4 years now!!!!!! Anythings possible!keep hope alive!!!!!!

[caterpillar79]

I was raped multiple times for 7 years, day or night, whenever by my ex-husband. I had lesions inside of me and need to frequent the OB-GYN for treatment. I thought that will be my life forever. During that time, I don't lubricate, it was painful all the time. I also don't cum at all. It took me a long time to get over this cycle. I realized it has a lot to do with self-esteem, and trust. I am in a very loving relationship right now, and my SO is very supportive and protective of me. At first, I thought was like the others who just wanted to have a GF and the package accompanying it. But as I watched our relationship grow, he became more and more focused in building our lives together.

You are lucky you have met such a guy. If this time you are not ready for a deep kind of relationship, tell him so. But be careful with the words you use and how you say it. As honestly as possible, and as clear as you can, tell this guy how you feel about him, and that you enjoy every moment you are with him. But in order for him and you to have a healthy relationship, you have to be healthy yourselves. And tell him, you want to do that, by starting with yourself. Now, follow through: find a counselor who "fits" in with you, the one that you don't have an issue with (I know!)...work this out with her - your rape, every issue, so she can walk you through recovery and help gear you with a thinking procedure. I did, and it helped me so much and is still helping me now. Believe me, life has never been sweeter. I can cum now and it is amazing! Be patient and be honest with yourself, and with him, too.

[ThexMrs]

But, where does he live? I know your staying with family at present, so if you moved again, will he be able to still be in your life? Where did you meet this guy?

He lives about 20 minutes from me. If I moved again (at the present) I would be having to go back to Mac which is an hour away from here and I refuse to do that. It was hard enough not seeing him and knowing that I can't see him when I want to. I'd rather sacrifice a little sanity (though it's not that bad here) than to be without him again. (Now when I tell you something else you may wonder if I really mean what I said. I will talk about that later)

It's funny actually... I met him one day and found out that him and I know the same people. (From church) My aunt and uncle even know the same people. He lived where they do now for a period of time. Very cool... I was able to get a little scoop on him before making an effort to be with him.

I think I asked you once if your Brother knew about his girlfriend's cousin, I don't recall the answer.

Yes, my brother does know. When this happened with the cousin and the uncle (and my brother found out) I told him not to do anything because he was already having a hard time with his girlfriend's family and I didn't want to make things worse for him. So he did nothing. The worst he did was tell the uncle's wife. I know that he was furious and wanted to kill them. I really believe that but he did nothing because I asked him not to.

Now, follow through: find a counselor who "fits" in with you, the one that you don't have an issue with (I know!)...work this out with her - your rape, every issue, so she can walk you through recovery and help gear you with a thinking procedure.

I don't think that I am ready to do that. I don't even want to do it. That idea makes me emotional and I feel like I am turning inside out. I'm sure the longer I wait the worse off I might be but at this point in my life with everything going on, I just can't...

[ThexMrs]

CW: Here's another spanner for you.

When I wrote what I felt up above I mentioned that I would tell you something that would probably make you think I don't care about this guy. Well here is what that thing is.

Last night my brother's friend Ryan came over. (I've had relations but not sex with him before) Ryan said that he was going to go to bed and so did my brother. Ryan was to sleep on the couch. I was in the kitchen sitting at the counter drinking water. (Ryan and I were about 10 feet away from each other) He said a few things to me and then got off of the couch and walked over to me. He hugged me. I thought to myself, okay... A hug, no big deal. Then he made a pass for my mouth to kiss me. I turned my head and he kissed me cheek. He kept holding onto me and then grabbed my hand and took me over to the couch. I sat down (I figured we'd talk some more though I think I may have really known what he wanted) Well I put my feet up and he grabs my legs and pulls me so that I am laying down and practically in his lap. He then tries to pull me completely into his lap and I said, no, I'm comfortable here. Like... WHAT THE EFF? Long story short he said that he was going to sleep in my bed and I said no. (I have a boyfriend and he knows this) he got up and ran into my room and so I told him that I was sleeping in my bed so he just has to move over. (Earlier he had joked about sleeping in my bed and me sleeping on the couch) Alright, so I change from my sweats and hoodie into bedtime clothes. Lacy panties and a tank top. Bad choice? Yeah, probably. So he gets on top of me and starts kissing me and then pulls me on top of him. I gave him oral. He gave me oral. Then we kind of had sex. When he woke up he told me he was going to go sneak onto the couch so that no one knew what happened. Well, he got caught and my brother's girlfriend told my brother and she also asked me what happened. I said, nothing. We just slept. That's what our story was supposed to be. My brother hasn't said anything. He already knows about the past times. They were even brought up last night before he had went to bed, by Ryan of course. He has such a BIG mouth.

Anyways... I'm in a shhh hole now!

And on top of that he'll be here in an hour or so.

BTW, anyone who says to tell my boyfriend, I'm sorry but no.

[OGFL]

so raped again??

i know u participated back, but technically what happen that you described is date rape.
the fact your letting him get away with is quite shocking.

you desperately need help.