[ThexMrs]

No, no, no... I don't consider that rape. I have done things with him in the past and I like him as a person. He's a good guy. Why do you think that is rape?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am at a loss for words, i was going to edit a previous post but i think that the post is relevant..

You can't "allow" people to get what they want from you, just because they know that THEY CAN.

And, that's the gist of it mam...

We can be a tad nieve but not going to bed, not getting into those knickers and top, and not expect something to happen.

If you don't believe you deserve a proper boyfriend, then let him go, the new guy because he's standing by you, whilst other guys are just taking what they know they can get.

You need to comprehend that's it's OK TO SAY NO.

You will get your fingers burnt if you play in the fire sweet.

I don't get why you did that?

Other than your not mentally committed to someone, only thinking about it.

But why allow yourself to be used?

Thanks for sharing, but I don't know how to make you understand that you "don't HAVE to do any of those things anymore....

Give all you have to this new guy or if you can't, as I said let him go because he knows your past and is willing to stand by you and help you...

Isn't that a blessing? A Knight? Someone right?

CW

[WildChild]

You need to get into counseling and you need to do it now. It may not be comfortable but you need it. What you are doing is a fairly common response to incest and sexual abuse. You are getting a boost in self esteem by attracting men. You can't say no, because as long as you don't say no, you don't get raped. As CW said you are playing with fire, you are stringing one man who seems to really care for you along while seducing others. That is what you did. Getting into bed with a man is essentially a yes. Doing so in provocative clothing, can't really be called anything else. I've been through this with friends before and I'm going to tell you where they ended up. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

You deserve to be loved, but as an adult you have to earn it. This isn't the path to get there. You need to take the time to deal with your issues and get emotionally healthy. Please do this for yourself and for the men you are hurting.

[ThexMrs]

I was totally and completely one hundred percent used last night. Tonight he came over and I thought that he was going to hang out but he didn't. He came in, looked at me a few times over the short period of time he was here but said nothing other than, " Hey friend... Do you know where I took my necklace off at last night?" And that was it. So where is he tonight? He's out with a girl. Awesome, right? I freaking wanted to cry! I went outside and smoked a cigarette and wandered back and forth just pacing. All I could think was he totally used me. He freaking used me. I can't believe he used me. And my final thought... If he were here now, I'd let him do it again. How messed up is that? It's horrible... As WC said, I am getting a self esteem boost by attracting these men who really only want me for my body. It's pathetic. I have a great guy here who has been nothing but supportive of me and sweet to me (though we've had our clashes) but that is just part of being in a relationship. Why isn't he just good enough? Why do I need all of these other men? I told my ex, Marty, what happened and he got mad at me and hung up. He text me and said, "A friendly word of advice. STOP SLEEPING AROUND." I've only had sex with two men since him and I broke up and five total ever. I could have sex ALL THE TIME if I wanted to but truth be told... I don't even enjoy it. God, I just want to be loved so badly. Marty is the only person I ever believed REALLY loved me and he freaking cheated on me. Jared (the new boyfriend) he tells me how much he loves me and I just don't believe him. How could he love me? Look at me... I'm a mess. He has no idea what he's doing... I don't deserve him.

I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF!

CW: You asked me why I did it. I don't know... I gave in. He wanted it and I was happy to be wanted. That's the only thing I can think of. I mean... I had sex with Jared the day before I had sex with Ryan. I've never ever been this way until Marty and I broke up. Ever since then I have lost myself completely. I am doing things I have NEVER done before in my life. Things that are not me at all. Drinking, sex, random stranger hook ups, all of it. I even smoked pot today. I haven't done that for MONTHS. And who did I smoke it with? Joey, the rapist cousin of my brother's girlfriend.

I've been told by a good friend that I am living on the edge. That I am way to close to the edge and I know this. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like I am slowly losing my mind.

[ThexMrs]

Btw, I told Jared some of what happened last night. I told him how Ryan came on to me (because he asked if that happened) but I told him that physically nothing happened. I also lied and said that I slept on the couch. I'm a freaking creep. I feel so guilty about it. When he heard that Ryan knew I had a boyfriend and still did what he did, he was furious. He said that he better not see him because he is going to kick his butt and pound his face. I told him not to because it wasn't worth it but he said you better not let me see him because I am ****ed the eff off.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, I went to work and I wasn't sure what to expect when I got back, and checked your thread to be honest.

Is she seeing anything?

Can she?

I'm glad that you wrote what you did. I can feel the confusion and I can see the reaching out, but I am not sure if your ready to listen and that's okay,but here goes:-

I know you have tried councellors but YOU do need to keep trying till you find someone that you can trust and talk to like you are here with us and get it all out and work it all through: -

Here's somethings to consider:-

1. YOUR NOT THE ONLY ABUSED PERSON IN THIS WORLD, LET ALONE ON THIS FORUM, in-fact there would be many that haven't opened up to you, but some have... And, to those you need to re-read and really read, they don't need to spill their life for all to read, yet they have..

There is a word for that, "thankyou"..

See below:-

Caterpillar...
I was raped multiple times for 7 years, day or night, whenever by my ex-husband. I had lesions inside of me and need to frequent the OB-GYN for treatment. I thought that will be my life forever. During that time, I don't lubricate, it was painful all the time. I also don't cum at all. It took me a long time to get over this cycle. I realized it has a lot to do with self-esteem, and trust. I am in a very loving relationship right now, and my SO is very supportive and protective of me. At first, I thought was like the others who just wanted to have a GF and the package accompanying it. But as I watched our relationship grow, he became more and more focused in building our lives together.

You are lucky you have met such a guy. If this time you are not ready for a deep kind of relationship, tell him so.

No, I am not being mean by the above, rather making you see that people actually do want to help you WOMEN, not just men.. They are not jealous of you, rather here for you on this Forum.

Wildchild
You are getting a boost in self esteem by attracting men. You can't say no, because as long as you don't say no, you don't get raped.

Here is another one.. And, she has spilled her life to you as well...

Now what do these two women have in common? They both have a loving partner that treats them right and as a result of "LETTING" those men into their lives, they have realized that there are decent guys out there and that they deserve nothing but the best.

THAT IS A FACT....

They are now sharing and telling you "GIVE THIS GUY" the chance to show you that you don't have to be abused anymore but more importantly Linds... YOU, don't have to ALLOW them to as you are....

I 100% agree with Wildchild's comment... It's common, but you can break this cycle...

I was totally and completely one hundred percent used last night.

Think of it like this. The vulcher praying on the mouse.. It chases it around in circles, knowing it's going to win... This is what happened last night.

The hug
The kiss
The taking your hand
The sitting on the couch

(You, deciding to put your leg up)
Him saying "gotcha", let's go to bed.

You going with him, putting on lacy knickers and a top.. (sign) it's okay she wants it.

You say you saw all the signs. And, you did. But, you want to "DESTROY" be self destructive, you don't feel your worth anything and so why not.. You don't deserve Jared after all.

(GO BACK UP THE TOP AND RE-READ WHAT I WROTE).

" Hey friend... Do you know where I took my necklace off at last night?" And that was it. So where is he tonight? He's out with a girl. Awesome, right?

And what do you think that says? "I'm only a friend, I don't want nothing from you, I don't want to be your man, have you got it? Now, where's my necklace I took off last night ( remember woman what I did)... No, not awesome, who cares what he is doing? I don't get it? Why do you feel jaded? Your in a relationship and you "encouraged" that to happen you self destructed.

It's okay as well.. I am trying to make you see, that you DON'T NEED TO SELF DISTRUCT.

have a great guy here who has been nothing but supportive of me and sweet to me (though we've had our clashes) but that is just part of being in a relationship. Why isn't he just good enough? Why do I need all of these other men?

He's good enough.. You don't believe in yourself, instead of being the Victim anymore, your creating yourself to continue to be the Victim and then telling yourself afterwards it was "his" fault, who ever "he" may be at that time.

Why do you want to continue being a VICTIM?

CW: You asked me why I did it. I don't know... I gave in. He wanted it and I was happy to be wanted. That's the only thing I can think of.

Yes, you were happy he wanted it, you don't see yourself worth... You don't even see yourself as being attractive, yet you take all these photos of yourself that are seriously "hot", seriously... You are beautiful... Inside you actually know it, outside, you can't take it in... Look deeper inside yourself, it's time.

he tells me how much he loves me and I just don't believe him. How could he love me? Look at me... I'm a mess. He has no idea what he's doing... I don't deserve him.

Actually, he has every idea what he's doing. He's the knight in shining armour you dreamed of as a child. He could also be sent to you via above, by someone whom knows you think that he left you when he didn't leave you at all, he let himself down and now he may be showing you, that you can replace his love with someone whom loves you.

Your fantasy about a "step dad", I think this all stems back to your Dad... For what happened, and for that I am deeply sorry, deeply... But, he's gone love... It's time to see his memories of happiness when he was with you and the love you know he gave you and open the door and let another man in... That I think is what your afraid of, you want the memory of your Dad, but you are angry with him and therefore, you pull all men into a web but in doing so you destruct and create pain for yourself, the same pain you had at 12 when Dad left this earth.

Do you really think that your Dad would want you to be un-happy, not in love, your searching so hard for it that you miss it when it bites you in the bum.

It's there in front of your eyes.

I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF!

No such word as CAN'T.. You have to see WHY?

I think that a few of us have given some good reasons as to why, so why don't we work at changing that?

I told him not to because it wasn't worth it but he said you better not let me see him because I am ****ed the eff off.

That's also unfair to him... He is angry at people taking advantage of you, he UNDERSTANDS 100% let me tell you, that you are vulnerable and naive over all of this and keep getting trapped.

He is angry at the guys for taking advantage but he is not aware that you fall for it and get excited over the prospect of being wanted by all these men.

This is something that you have to work on sweet.

Your wanted.

By Jared.

Your used.

By all others, that want to take advantage of you.

See the light, Linds.. It's time to...

CW

[ThexMrs]

I did say thank you.

I am appreciative.

I really am.

I'll get better.

I will.

I will.

I swear...

Eventually.

[caterpillar79]

We care about you so much than you know (though we are online). Hey, if this forum is your catharsis, so be it. That is why this forum exists in the first place. A counselor can be in any one of us here. We don't necessarily have the skill nor the diploma that goes with it, but we are here to listen to you and support you.

The answer to all of your questions are actually in you, too. Talking things out helps you realize them. So keep pouring your thoughts out. Tell us how you feel. Don't give up on yourself, BE PATIENT, instead. You can always leave us PMs.

Take care, love!

[Guest]

hi there.

i was reading your story(thexmrs) and i am sorry to hear that you have been through so much. first i want to say good job for being such a strong person in this. second i wanted to ask you ... how long have you gone without having an intimate relationship or being intimate with someone?

i am pretty sure that you know what everyone is talking about when they say to stop. but YOU could ONLY stop if YOU want to. you must learn to separate WANT and NEED. the forum could only help you so much. if we all were at your area i would probably let you stay at my place. however, we aren't..and you have to REALLY take what everyone here says and REALLY apply it to your life. everyone here means well. they will not lead you to harm.

you are very young and just starting out your life. you have to think... "do i want to be where i am at in (blank) amount of years.. IF the answer is NO, then you NEED to start now. start by getting help. i also read that you aren't doing well with counselors... you HAVE to find one..and soon. please if you don't do it for yourself..at least do it for people you care about (like the guy you are dating) or even people that care about you here. you HAVE to be open to change. i know it may not feel right but in the long run you will be thankful you did it.

wouldn't it be great to spend time with the person you care about without having anything running through your mind but you and him?. i only say this because i suffer from it as well. i may not have been raped like you(and for that i am so sorry) but i did grow up in a VERY abusive house. and for that my relationship with people have suffered and MOST OF ALL I HAVE SUFFERED.

WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH. WHEN are YOU going to say that to yourself? I REALLY hope that you take some time ALONE. and think about these things.

[Hopeless Dork]

Xmrs, I think in some ways you do the emotional equivilant of cutting on top of the physical that you spoke of before. You kind of welcome the hurt and the turmoil (on a sub conscious level of course) because in that pain, in that anger and in that outrage, there is... something.

The quiet still of a loving relationship isn't as palpable as the raw emotions of anger, the passion even in hating and regret. They are feelings, intense ones, like with cutting, and they make everything else in life a blur. Standing still makes you think, makes you hurt on a level you have no control over when you have to face the feelings you mask in other ways.


My very dear friend of many years goes through what you do. Not because she is some kind of unfortunate event magnet ( not that bad things don't happen to people not looking for them, I have had my share of unwelcomed tragedies) but the rate to which she receives these blows is astounding. One thing after another piles on to her plate and she is at her breaking point, daily. I use to think that it was world stacking up against her until I finally realized that she was all but seeking it out. She had rough abusive childhood way more so than my own experiences because I could escape what ailed me for most of the day and her, she lived with it 24/7. As an adult I think she carried all the anger she felt at everything and instead of lashing out - lashed in, and continues to lash in.

I wish so much for her to see it, before its too late for her, in some ways it feels that is and all any of the people close to her can do is watch the train as its headed for car, its about to crash and we can't stop it, all we can do is cringe and hope against hope it slows down in time.

I am sure those around you love you just as much and hate to see you hurt and hate even more that you think you deserve it but no one, not anyone , not the nicest boyfriend in the world or your dearest best friend or most attentive family member will ever make you realize the light that shines within you, thats wants happiness and peace until you yourself realize it as well.