[Hopeless Dork]

You asked him how he spent the rest of his time, you said it made you concerned to not know what he did with all his time and why you don't go places.

Instead of comforting you, and just answering the question he implied simply asking is an act of distrust. Nuh uh. Not true. Asking him what he does the 6 days a week he doesn't see you isn't a sign of mistrust - if you're sleeping with the guy, if he's your boyfriend why in the world wouldn't you want to know what he does with his time?

Him jumping on the defensive and immediately calling you out on trust then giving you a vague 'i sleep a lot' answer, side-stepping the why you don't go anywhere makes me really uncomfortable with his character.

Most couples get to ask their SO, how their day was and what they did, what they are up to just for conversation, just for sharing, no mistrust in doing that.

It didn't sound like you were asking your guy for a timeline of every single breath he takes, just knowledge of what he does when you're not around.

If he can't answer that without getting ticked off it feels like he must be hiding something. Its just how I see it. That or he has had a bad experience of a gf checking up on him and you asking him what he did with his time gave him a horrible flashback.

[Guest]

asking him what he does the rest of the time is fine. his response was a defensive. maybe you could have asked in a non confronting way. make a joke about it or something. like "hey, since you get off of work at ____ time during the week, you should come over after and i'll cook you dinner" or something like that. its getting a feel for what's going on... but not in a confronting way. if he says i can't THEN be like "oh? how come? are you busy with something?" i don't know. sometimes its good to toss in some mundane conversations so that you can get the full story without getting into an argument right away. because remember it's easier to attract bees with honey than vinegar. if you flat out say things that lead to him being unfaithful...its not really giving him much credit. and guys don't really like that. just imagine if you were in his shoes, working a lot. ya know?

i know you've got a really bad past that you need to get help for. but sometimes looking for things to argue about can be the demise of your relationship. and you'll be back to square one.

its hard to find trust when you've been toyed with almost all your life. but you have to have faith. faith that not ALL men will hurt you. because if you keep thinking that they will...then its a selfulfilling prophecy at that point.

[ThexMrs]

In my heart of hearts, I don't think that he is doing anything else. In my heart of hearts, I believe that he does love me and this is just what we are going through now because of his work schedule. He doesn't know what time or where his appointments will be until 8:00 am every morning. He travels a lot out of town for work but he comes home every night. That is one reason it's so hard. Everytime he wants to see me it's always rush, rush, last minute and I'm the kind of girl to schedule things out. I like to know in advance. That's just me.

In the beginning he told me some things about his life and his childhood. He didn't really go into much detail, it was very generic but I got the point. One thing that he did tell me was that his brother was murdered and that he had tried to commit suicide a few times. Also, when he was born, his parents were married to other people but they ended up together and have been ever since. (I feel like I am sharing his secrets and betraying him right now) He had a rough childhood I guess. He's never said more than that. Now, he says nothing. I do know that he isn't close to his family. My chances of meeting them are about 1 in 1,000,000 unless we end up getting married in the future.

No, he is not 26 or 28. He's not even in his 20's. He is 31 years old. He is done with school. I don't know the name of where he works but I know all about what he does. I know where he lives, well the general idea but I've never been there. I don't know ANY of his friends nor does he know mine through his own choice. I however do know a family that has known him since he was a child. My aunt also knows this family. My aunt (because she lives where that family lives and I do not) asked about him for me. The father of that family said that his family was "strange" and nothing further. I asked Jared about this and he said he doesn't know why he would say that. End of that conversation.

Okay, here is a little background on him:

He's 31.
He was married at 20.
Divorced a couple of years later I believe it was.
She cheated on him and that's why they got divorced.
At 21 he became a Police Officer. There was an incident at his job. He was called to a Domestic Violence case and he was supposed to go through the door first but his friend/partner went in and was shot. He didn't die but after that he didn't go back to work.

In my opinion, he's a very insecure person. One night he was supposed to come over after work so I text him and asked if we could push it back from 9 pm to 10 pm. He freaked out! He told me he wasn't even going to come over now and on and on. I said, please don't act like this. It's just an hour, don't worry. We have all night. Well he couldn't even get off of work until after 10 pm so he just blew up for no reason.

On another occasion he text me out of the blew and said that he felt like he was an inconvenience to me. I have no idea where this notion came from because I have never even hinted at that.

He does things like this all of the time. I don't understand. I even brought it up to him and he said that he didn't think he was insecure or that that was the wrong word for him. Whatever it is, it sucks because I really like this guy.

[ThexMrs]

I am really ****ed off right now. Everything I just typed and added to the last post I was writing got deleted. It was soooooooooooooooo EFFIN long. God... Okay, I'm going to go take a breather and if I can remember everything that I wrote, I'll come back later and type it out. EFF!

[Hopeless Dork]

Ur gonna not like what I have to say, but in my heart I feel the need to say. If he doesn't bring you into his world soon, there might be something else going on there. I sure hope there isnt. I really and trully do. By entering his world I mean, knowing the name of his job, vising his home going inside of it, seeing where he lives, meeting a friend or family member of his. Something anything that can let you know you are not getting involved with someone with something else going on.

He displays all the signals, sweetie:

He doesn't plan dates, only gives you a moments notice.
You haven't been inside his home.
You have not been nor know the name of his job.
You haven't met any friends or family of his.
You only see him one day out of week.
When you ask him about all this he becomes defensive and calls you out on lack of trusting him etc.

It just all makes me so nervous for your heart xmrs. I don't mean that you should be paranoid or demand he do something to involve you more, at all.. you can be patient and just get to know him more naturally but if he keeps you at arms length away from his life I would be so worried he doesn't have some kind of something else in the works, know what I mean?

I applaud that you are going to trust him, though , I know that is a big step for you. There is trust and being secure, but you could also do both of those with a sense of sight - know what I mean? Hopefully over some time he starts opening up and sharing his life with you more, but if he doesn't .. a brick wall will between you eventually.

[Guest]

HD does have a good point. my bf invited me to his house for our 4th ish 5th is date. He wanted me to see this one TV show he really liked. (we had a HOUSE marathon)

sorry, I just re read that you don't know what he does for a living except travel? and he said he loves you? im starting to question the meaning of him telling you "i love you"

[golden_nemesis]

One of the things that most impressed me about how seriously my partner takes our relationship is how quickly he integrated me into his life. We met on an internet dating site, decided to meet in person rather quickly (I don't like extended e-mail foot-dragging), and on the night we first met, he took me to see his best friend's band play. I met a lot of his friends that night, and have since become very close to many of them. The second time we got together, we went to a concert, I met a couple more of his friends, and that night we went back to his place to watch a movie. Still amazes me he didn't even try to make a move on me, it was late, it was dark, we were alone at his house. Maybe two or three weeks later we went bowling with his sister, and a couple weeks after that I got to meet pretty much his whole family in the throes of Thanksgiving.

If a man really loves you, I believe he will make sure you become a fully integrated part of his life, not just a taped-on appendage. I am glad that this men is kind to you, he sounds like he is a really good guy, but it is hard to have a relationship with a man you know so little about. I learned so much about the man I love through watching him with his friends and family and pets. I think its much harder to get a bead on someone's true self if you are the only one interacting with him. I hope that he begins to open up to you, because even if he isn't hiding anything bad from you, he is still hiding himself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

, what if:?

The father of that family said that his family was "strange" and nothing further.

He lives with his parents and feels that they are "different" and is embarrased for her to meet them?

What if he is a loner, tried to commit suicide, his brother was murdered, he's a loner and doesn't have friends.

What if, he finds it hard to make friends and is fearful of meeting her friends.

And, what if, he is such a loner being going on for too long, non-trust, ex wife cheated, that he does go home every night and is tired, "a travelling salesman 11 hr day shifts",

And, what if he got upset when she said 10pm because he thought she was with others and that was more important to her, so she delayed him an hour.

See? We can come up with 1000 reasons in reality, it doesn't necessarily mean there is something wrong, this relationship is only very new, a couple of months.

Yellowpix I like your original statement, " invite over for dinner", type thing bring him out of that closet and see what happens.

He also got defensive remember when she got upset about thinking he would hold another woman, and tried to make her feel that that's not the case.

If he's a loner, and has issues himself, then it's possible that 1 day a week, just together is his comfort zone at present that needs to come out.

Not all guys cheat and are.....

I hope this one isn't that type at all, so I won't speculate personally, yet....

(PS Stop with the effn... madam...

CW

[caterpillar79]

Yup, CW, 'tis too soon to tell. Cut him some slack, ladies, who knows...

It is not bad to trust at all, but keep an eye open as well. Believe that he really cares, and needs time to sort his issues, but be objective enough and be able to "step outside of yourself" and evaluate the situation as if you're observing another person (oops! Easier said than done!).

Right now, all you can do is to let time reveal what is. And hope that all will be well. Keep your heart "intact"...make use of the time away from him for self-evaluation and improvement. You deserve the best, and for you to get it, you should be at your best. We tend to attract "who we are" for a partner, so let them be your sort of guage where you're at in your quest to better yourself.

[ThexMrs]

I'm not sure what the problem is. I think that he trusts me. He has told me that he trusts me very much because at one point I questioned him. It was at random one day when we were hanging out. He out of the blue said, "Don't cheat on me." It took me a back. Obviously he has that issue because of his ex wife. I can't blame him. I sort of have that issue because of Marty.

I've decided that I need to see him badly and we need to talk about this. I want to be a part of his life. I want to meet his friends, family, etc. I want to know him inside and out like I did all of my other boyfriends. I want in so badly. I want to know what it takes to make a bad day a good one for him and so on. I want to love him. I want to love him so bad but how do you love someone you don't know? You can't...

No, he doesn't live with his parents. His parents live a couple of hours from here. That is not the issue. I don't think that he is embarrassed at all. He's not in contact with his sister, doesn't know where she lives anymore because of a falling out. He didn't appreciate the way she was treating their parents so he told her, "Until you can treat our parents better and so them respect, don't talk to me. I will always be your brother and if you need anything you can call me but until then, just forget about me." As for his brother, he lives in California. He's not close his family... Why? I'm really not sure.

Btw, he has a roommate. I think his name is Sam or something. I don't know, never met him. As for friends, he doesn't have many. He works SO much. Umm... He has a Myspace and a Facebook but they are private and I'm afraid of what I might see on there so I haven't requested to be his friend or anything. I also don't want to be rejected or for him to think I am checking up on him though, yeah... I really want to. Someone told me not to go looking for problems though and that's what I'm trying not to do.

Like I said before... I have invited him to dinner. He can never make it.

Sorry... I was really upset when I was writing effin. I know it's eluding the a swear word and that is bad. I will stop.

Oh one more thing. Today I asked him the name of the CO he works for. No answer.