[chaya]

I am engaged to a wonderful man. He is 23 and I am 19. I've told him everything about myself except one impotent thing. I just can't bring myself to tell him but he deserves to know.

I was raped when I was 17 and was severely beaten. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital, getting 2 operations to repair internal damage. The rapist punched and kicked me in the lower abdomen area causing severe damage to my intestines and sexual organs. As a result, the doctors said, I can never get pregnant except through In Vitro Fertilisation.

I don't know how to tell him and I'm afraid he won't want me when he finds out.

[BabyGirl]

Firstly, I'm sorry that you were raped and beaten. That is so traumatic and no one should ever go thru that. Secondly, it seems that you have put the worst behind you, learned to trust in a man and be willing to spend your life with him, this all just in 2 years. Good for you !!!

Thirdly, with having had 2 surgery's, there are scars, have you been intimate with him ? Has he seen them , if so how did you explain them ? If he hasn't seen them, you have a tool to breach the subject.

He Deserves to know that it will be difficult for you to have children, the "normal" way. Have you two talked about having kids ? If not, Now is the time to discuss it. You need to sit down with him, have a very serious discussion.

Depending on if he has seen the scars and you just told him part of the reason you had them, and depending on if you have discussed having kids together, is going to be the key to how this is taken by him.
He may feel decieved and lied to, but if you can explain it to him in a calm and intelligent way, one that he can sympathize with , one that makes him feel more protective of you than decieved by you, you can get thru this together.

One way to do this is to explain that the rape and results of it, were so traumatic, that you just focused on healing, that you pushed the negative to the back of your mind and just tried to live the normal life of a woman, rather than a victim.
You can explain that having children was not an issue until you found him and now that he has chosen you and you him, to spend your lives together, that you feel you should let him know that children together is not impossible, but will be difficult and more costly than natural methods of insemination.

Most important is to tell him ASAP !!! You cannot build a Loving and Lasting Marriage on deceit or half truths. Think of if he could not have kids due to a testicle injury and didn't tell you before you married him ?
If he loves you, really loves you for who you are, he will probably be hurt that you didn't trust his love enough to be honest about this at first, but if that love for you is strong enough, you two can get thru this, make plans, have a savings account set up and have the kids you want in the future.

At least there won't be any accidental pregnancy when you can't afford a child or are not ready. And when you do get pregnant, it will be planned and the both of you will have saved up together and look forward to the childs arrival without hesitation, or the feeling that it happened, so lets deal with it...

Good Luck,

[WildChild]

Darling, I am saddened to hear of what you have been through.
And Bravo to you that you are able to move foreward to love and joy. You need to rethink your attitude toward this. You are a strong woman and have lived through something many would not have survived - not physically or emotionally. If this man cannot love and cherish you all the more for what you have been through then he is not worthy of you.

I went through rape and fortuantely was not physically harmed but I understand your concerns overs telling him. Many people, male and female react negatively to any discussion of rape. But over many years of living I have found that most people will reflect my attitude about it. In other words if I act as if it is something to be ashamed of they will treat it as such. If I treat it matter of factly, they generally will too.

I agree with Baby Girl that you need to tell him soon. Why you have waited really isn't important. If he can't understand that this is painful to talk about then he isn't the one. Understand that his reaction may be deep, if he loves and cares for you, he will be angry that anyone could do such a thing to you, he may be frightened that another man could act in such a way and that could bring up fears related to his own male strength and desires. He could become so concerned over hurting you that it causes problems with sexual performance. I found that this topic can open a host of pain, anger, frustration, fear, and unfortunately in some cases with some men it will lead to rejection. You will have to expect that his intial reaction may give way to other responses as this really sinks in. He may need some time to come to grips with it.

Would it help to have your family, or your mother with you when you tell him?

Have the two of you had sex?
Can you do so without pain?
Do you orgasm?

You are very young and this really isn't too far behind you. Just based on my own experience it can take years to really find your balance after this kind of trauma, although some women deal with it more easily than others.

You are a special gift and should only be with a man worthy of you. Hard as it may be, you and he will learn his true nature when you see how he accepts and deals with this.

[Hopeless Dork]

I understand your fears completely, and you are right though... he deserves to know, but not for the reasons you think. Not so that he can decide to pass you up as 'damaged' but so that he could be closer to you, understand you more, and know what a survivor he has for a fiance.

If something similiar had happened to him, some traumatic experience, I'm sure you'd want him to share it with you as it may help explain some fears or behaviors that others would deem irrational. Would you judge him if someone beat him senseless? No, you wouldn't and he won't either.

The kids thing, he could just as easily have some low sperm count, and not be able to impregnate you... would you want a different husband if you were able to get pregnant and he couldnt provide that? No, you wouldn't... and he won't either.


I don't think you HAVE to share anything you don't want to. But I think for the sake of your relationship moving on in a close, intimate and honest and healthy way that you should let him know what happened -- you will be sharing the rest of your lives together when you get married and in order for him to fully understand you and be there for you, he needs to know you.

[chaya]

Thanks for the advice, it confirms what I have been thinking, I must tell him and the sooner the better. What has been worrying me is that at this time I need him and couldn't stand to loose him. I worry so much I am having a hard time in school, I'm in my second year of college, studying to be a nurse with a BSN in nursing. I even worry about my fiance, he is a policeman, even though he says it is not dangerous, I watch the news so I know it is. I also have to worry about myself, I am a type 1 diabetic and must take 5 or more injections of insulin every day. I think it is because I have been a diabetic since I was 3 that I have the strong survival instinct. He knows about my diabetes and is ok with it. He has even tried to give an injection. He has seen me through 2 bad low blood glucose incidents. He knows that diabetes is forever and will never go away.

I am third generation Japanese and was raised in Hawaii, the rape attack took place in Honolulu. They caught the guy, I identified him and was going to testify against him in court. This would have meant that everyone would find out what had happened to me. When he raped me I was left unconscious and naked in a park near the zoo. It was in all the papers and on TV, but they didn't reveal my name or show my face but all my friends and family knew it was me. I started to worry about going to court and my father didn't want me to go either. Before the trial, I left Hawaii and went to live with my aunt on the mainland, where I live today. Because I didn't testify, they had to let the rapist go. That has been hard for me to live with.

With all these things to worry about my plate is full (so to speak) and I couldn't stand to loose my fiance because he is the first man I have ever had a relationship with and I love him with all my heart. When we have sex it is the most wonderful thing in the world to me, I never dreamed I would ever be that happy.

[Hopeless Dork]

Before the trial, I left Hawaii and went to live with my aunt on the mainland, where I live today. Because I didn't testify, they had to let the rapist go. That has been hard for me to live with.

I've been dealing with the guilt of not reporting when I was assaulted, wondering if someone else will have to go through what I did because I was too scared to deal with it all.... but the thing I believe is you are not responsible for what that man does or has done since you didn't testify. He, himself is responsible for his actions. Surviving what you did and being able to move on with your life makes you a HERO to yourself, you are not responsible for saving the world and you have to let the burden rest where it should, with that evil man.

Its taken all your strength to save yourself and you have done so, if you were not emotionally prepared to deal with a court trial think of much more it would have stifled your healing process. You didn't ask to be attacked and left for dead and you owe nothing to anyone except yourself. Do NOT feel guilty about chosing to make sure you were okay rather than fight it out in courts where the justice system is not so kind to the women that have endured what you have.

I don't think for one minute your fiance would leave you over this, but I can understand your fear of that... its not unusual for a woman that has been through what you have to feel like you are defective and that someone would have to overlook your defects to love you but hon that isn't true. If anything he will only love you MORE, because he sounds like a stand-up guy that will respect the fact that you were able to pick yourself up and carry on... that takes such strength... you have so much to be proud of.

Life can be cruel and unfair and we are left to choose between curling up in a ball and giving up or rolling with the punches and getting stronger and stronger with each hit. You WERE a victim, but that word no longer fits you, you are a survivor... you're making a great life for yourself, school, goals dreams and a good man and you deserve all the happiness that comes your way.

[Olympia]

It is difficult to address one's past. I pushed mine so far down deep. Blaming myself for the attack, ie.. i must have done something to provoke such a response. I never discussed and hid the abuse. I stated, I stumbled down the stairs, due to a burned out light.
I was very self distructive for years. Many one night stands, as i could not get past looking at the same person sexually.
It took me a long time to eliminate the wrong done to me. But when i did, shortly after i met my (to be)hubby.. Unlike you, there was no permanent damage internally. But it took me many years of marriage, before i told my husband. It is not an easy subject to discuss. I may have never, if it were not for some other things that brought it out..
IMO you should tell him.
And as HD stated, I don't think for one minute your fiance would leave you over this...!

[jns]

I am engaged to a wonderful man. He is 23 and I am 19. I've told him everything about myself except one impotent thing. I just can't bring myself to tell him but he deserves to know.

I was raped when I was 17 and was severely beaten. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital, getting 2 operations to repair internal damage. The rapist punched and kicked me in the lower abdomen area causing severe damage to my intestines and sexual organs. As a result, the doctors said, I can never get pregnant except through In Vitro Fertilisation.

I don't know how to tell him and I'm afraid he won't want me when he finds out.

It was hard to read of your situation. It will come out sooner or later. As hard as it is, you have to be up front with him. When he responds correctly, it will take your relationship to another level. Good luck.

[sourpuss]

Darling, I am saddened to hear of what you have been through.
And Bravo to you that you are able to move foreward to love and joy. You need to rethink your attitude toward this. You are a strong woman and have lived through something many would not have survived - not physically or emotionally. If this man cannot love and cherish you all the more for what you have been through then he is not worthy of you.

I agree whole heatedly!

[ManINeedACoffee]

My god, what a horrible thing for you to go through! What amazes me more is that you've found the strength to move forward in your life and trust someone again, and it sounds as though he is very worthy of your trust.

I can imagine that this is a difficult thing to tell anyone, but I'll echo everyone else here - he does deserve to know. Since he loves you, he'll respond with nothing but compassion and understanding. And your relationship will be stronger because of it.

Good luck!