[chaya]

My mother called me and she is going to talk to my father. She is mad I didn't tell her sooner and mad about me living with him but is glad I am happy. My father is more strict than her and even she don't know how he will take it.

I've never talked to my fiance about money. I don't know how much he makes. Maybe if we got married I could get on his health insurance, that could save a lot. For all I know, he has a lot of bills now, like house payments and car payments. I know that when we was dating, he always took me to the most expensive restaurants. I would have been just as happy going to McDonald's as long as I was with him.

Right now, my diabetic supplies cost about 12 hundred a month but I could cut that in half by not using the insulin pump and go to syringes instead of pens and cutting back on my testing. I test 10-15 times a day for safety, and the strips are about 1 dollar each. T1 diabetes isn't cheap, I wonder how poor T1's make it. Without insulin I would only live for 2-3 days and be in a coma after 1-2 days.

[jns]

chikasaki, glad to know things are going well. You should have your fiancee go with you to a Buddhist temple, if he is agreeable with that. My wife is Theravada Buddhist and I am not a true convert due to the fact that I am generally not religious, however I have picked up a lot about the religion and know how to act in religious settings. I hope he has opened up to you about his religious background so the two of you can find common ground.

When talking with your mother about your father, consider tradition also. I believe that this means your fiancee trying to get your father's blessing before the marriage. Even if he cannot, it means something if he tries. Your father is Nisei himself, is he not? He will have to come to terms sooner or later with some of the family intermarrying.

I was fortunate that there are not the requirements to marry within ethnic group for Thais, as my wife is Thai. Even so, I was nervous when I went to see her father before getting married so as to secure his blessing.

How long has your fiancee been a policeman? The wages are generally good, gradually going up. Retirements are generous and police usually have full medical for themselves and their families.

I'm sure a HMO medical group gets the diabetes supplies for much less than retail. Some of my supplies have a co-pay and others do not. I am type 2 using metformin. I would expect your monthly cost to go way down.

[ManINeedACoffee]

Chisaki, I am so happy that this has had such a positive effect on your relationship (and you!). I hope things also work out with your family...given the way your fiance reacted when you told him about your past, I really don't see how they couldn't accept him as a son-in-law...regardless of the cultural differences. And, as everyone else has said, you deserve all the happiness that has come to you.

Please keep us updated if you can!

[chaya]

Everthing is good, I talked with my father. He said that if I was sure about him and was happy, it was ok. He thinks it would be better to have the marrage here and come to Hawaii for a honeymoon. He even said he would treat us to a suite in a hotel at Waikiki for the honeymoon. We could visit the family whenever we wanted. The only thing he really wants is for me to be happy.

I am going to stay here at his house, he is going to ride to/from work with a friend so I can use his car to go to school. We are going to get some of my things from my aunts house and get my computer. i am writing this with my iPad but I will need my computer to do my homework. I am not good at writing on the iPad but i'm getting better.

I'll be posting on this site, I have a lot to learn about being a wife and living with a man. I have reading the other groups. Some of the things are a little shocking to me but I will learn and above all, have fun learning.

[jns]

Unless my mother convinces me that both her and my father would accept him as their son in law, I never want him to meet them. When they sent me here it was like they wanted to get rid of me because of the shame I brought on the family.

chisaki, I think you may have misunderstood you father's motives for sending you to live with your aunt. When I read this yesterday, I though to myself, "Maybe he sent you away to protect you and to allow you to heal in a different environment". And he didn't send you completely away, just to live with your aunt. He probably did what he thought was best for you. His reaction that you describe in your post today is consistent with that explanation. You will have to spend some time talking just with him to find out, even then he may not be very open as it may not be the proper style.

Everything is getting better and better. Best wishes as always.

[Lunar Keiki]

Chisaki,I totally understand why you would think your parents were trying to send you away because of the "shame" you perceived you brought to the family. But is isn't like that anymore. My Dad is Nisei, and I completely get why you would think that. But in this situation, what you did was not like getting pregnant in high school or getting arrested. You had no control over it and no one looks at your family as if they are less than they were before. I can promise you that. And in most families these days, the Nisei have pretty much come to accept the fact that their children will not be marrying pure Japanese because for one thing even here in Hawaii, there are not as many pure Japanese as in their generation. Then with you living in the mainland, you are exposed to so many different ethnicities that the chances of you settling down with a pure Japanese are slim to none. Now your parents have shown you this.

I feel so happy for you that your life is falling into place. Life is full of bumps in the road, and yours has been ultra bumpy for a while. But you have faced all of your adversities with grace and courage and you deserve all the happiness that you are receiving.

[chaya]

Tradition is everything to my father. In his private life, he lives in the past. He has a Japanese room where he spends all his free time. It has tatami floors, samurai swords on display, silk paintings on the walls and he even has a kotatsu. To my father the thought of "losing face" or losing prestige in the eyes of family and friends is unthinkable. It might be the most terrible thing that could happen.

Part of me believes that he sent me away to protect me. Another part of me is believes he sent me away because of the shame I brought on myself and the family. A small part of me believes that he wished I had died in the hospital or had committed jigai. What makes me believe that is because he gave me a box when I left home. It contained old family photos, a beautiful silk scarf and an antique kaiken. The kaiken (woman's dagger) is very old and beautiful finished and is probably worth a small fortune in Japan. The kaiken were carried by women for protection and to commit jigai in the event of dishonor. The blade is about 9 inches long and sharp as a razor. I can shave my legs with it.

No matter his intentions when he sent me away, I think he has changed. I believed him when he told me that all he wants is for me to be happy and we would be welcome. I have to believe it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Tradition, family honor doesn't stop the love..

The fact that he was happy for you, to me, says, yes, he lives in the tradional world of the Japanese but, he lives in today's world as well, one where you have so much love..

Believe him, he may have had to put up a pretext in front of himself, for honor but deep down inside, I think, he did exactly what you think, 1) as he had to for his tradition and 2) because he loves you and wanted you somewhere safe and away from all you went through....

Maybe he was saying, if you can't handle life, here is the tool... but the scarf is your beauty and the photos are a reminder of the love we have for you, in hope that out of the three items, the photos would pull you through to stay safe, alive and strong.....