[Hugo-B]

I think all of this boils down to compatibility, when you're with the right person they'll accept you for who you are, your past and for supervening events which took place that you would clearly have preferred not to happen.

I am fortunate enough to not have had to deal directly with the issues someone like Magnetism has, or Stillness, and I am sincerely grateful for this. My sincere and heartfelt sympathies also go out to the people who have and do have to deal with, and I wish them the very best. I have had to deal with an ex - someone I was in love with - tell me she was raped when she was younger, and it's like having a ****ing bomb dropped on your heart, but that's the pain I was feeling out of anger and frustration at how cruel and unfair life can be sometimes.

I don't see how anyone cannot experience a myriad of emotions ranging form sympathy to anger and frustration for someone who's innocence and vulnerability has been exploited, abused and subsequently deprived of them. The one thing it is NOT though, is their fault, NO child wakes up in the morning and thinks: "I want to be abused today".

[Stillness]

I would have an issue with any cover-up or excusing of wrongdoing, especially if this had the potential to result in harm to others. If parents were mean drunks - not really a big deal. If they raped children and it was swept under the rug and not handled, it makes the family complicit in my eyes. We would not get along because I would expose him. Either they would have to deal with it or I would probably have to excuse myself from their lives. Magnetism's case sounds like one in which somebody like me would get along fine. I posted before I read her last post.

This one allegation was the only one. Children uniformly love my uncle. They want to be around him. He has had contact with a lot of them over the decades. No one has ever claimed he did anything like what my little cousin claimed. We were shocked.

I struggled with this because of the way my little cousin handled it. She immediately told her grandmother when he brought her home. She was very concerned about our uncle and what might happen to him. He's like a father to her. That made her extremely credible. She did all the right things. At the same time, it happened when she was asleep and woke her up. There was no penetration or nakedness, just fondling and an inappropriate kiss (I'm not minimizing this).

What made it more complicated is that her uncle (my cousin) is a confirmed gross molester of girls her age. It all came out at the same time. We have wondered if he did something and in her confusion with that and in a half-dreaming state - she transferred that onto my uncle. I never got the chance to confront him. I can't now as he's in jail facing trial for beating his daughter. (The family got fed up with his behavior).

So, in short, I don't know. Anything he does, wrong or right, he does in the open without fear or shame. He's very eccentric and non-conformist, but at the same time principled and caring with children. He doesn't strike me as the type.

And as I told you before buddhaboy, I have a very thick skin. You're cool people in my eyes. You don't have to apologize and beat around the bush. You're not going to offend me.

[Magnetism]

buddhaboy-Even I set my own boundary of not being alone with my step-dad. I don't hug him, I don't ride alone in the car with him and I don't buy him presents. There is a few positive reasons why I choose to keep in contact with my offenders, but I don't want to get into that now.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel angry at those that hurt your partner. If you love someone and care, of course you're going to get angry. I know that my ex-boyfriend cared about me and didn't want to see me in pain. I know he was trying to be protective, but his suggestions weren't helpful in the long run.

[Stillness]

I'm not trying to sound snobby, but I feel like my life story is something that most people can't relate to. The solution is to:

1) Stay single forever
2) Keep my family life a secret from the person I'm seeing
3) Marry a fellow incest survivor that gets it.

Everybody's different. Some survivors might be worse that non-survivors. I think I would be OK even though I haven't been abused. I could love your parents. My wife has told me a lot of stuff and we have even been through things together with her family that another man would probably hurt people for. I'm still cool with them though.

You just have to find the right man. I would think that keeping that from the one person you should be closest to would be unhealthy. You could carefully feel him out during dating.

[Hugo-B]

I would have an issue with any cover-up or excusing of wrongdoing, especially if this had the potential to result in harm to others. If parents were mean drunks - not really a big deal. If they raped children and it was swept under the rug and not handled, it makes the family complicit in my eyes. We would not get along because I would expose him. Either they would have to deal with it or I would probably have to excuse myself from their lives. Magnetism's case sounds like one in which somebody like me would get along fine. I posted before I read her last post.

This one allegation was the only one. Children uniformly love my uncle. They want to be around him. He has had contact with a lot of them over the decades. No one has ever claimed he did anything like what my little cousin claimed. We were shocked.

I struggled with this because of the way my little cousin handled it. She immediately told her grandmother when he brought her home. She was very concerned about our uncle and what might happen to him. He's like a father to her. That made her extremely credible. She did all the right things. At the same time, it happened when she was asleep and woke her up. There was no penetration or nakedness, just fondling and an inappropriate kiss (I'm not minimizing this).

What made it more complicated is that her uncle (my cousin) is a confirmed gross molester of girls her age. It all came out at the same time. We have wondered if he did something and in her confusion with that and in a half-dreaming state - she transferred that onto my uncle. I never got the chance to confront him. I can't now as he's in jail facing trial for beating his daughter. (The family got fed up with his behavior).

So, in short, I don't know. Anything he does, wrong or right, he does in the open without fear or shame. He's very eccentric and non-conformist, but at the same time principled and caring with children. He doesn't strike me as the type.

And as I told you before buddhaboy, I have a very thick skin. You're cool people in my eyes. You don't have to apologize and beat around the bush. You're not going to offend me.

I'm sorry to hear all this. Thick skin or not doesn't give people the right to probe into peoples' personal affairs, which is why I trod carefully since you were under no obligation to proffer this information. I'm choosing to stay impartial in this debate as far as commenting on experiences which have not affected me personally since it's such a thorny issue. It sounds like you're dealing with this very well anyway, best of luck.

[Little]

As a potential partner of an abused person, I would react exactly like sp346.

As a survivor of rape, I have been completely hypocritical to that - I have completely forgiven the person who raped me and while I don't know if I could be around him much in real life, we talk very occasionally. Maybe once every year or two.

[Hugo-B]

buddhaboy-Even I set my own boundary of not being alone with my step-dad. I don't hug him, I don't ride alone in the car with him and I don't buy him presents. There is a few positive reasons why I choose to keep in contact with my offenders, but I don't want to get into that now.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel angry at those that hurt your partner. If you love someone and care, of course you're going to get angry. I know that my ex-boyfriend cared about me and didn't want to see me in pain. I know he was trying to be protective, but his suggestions weren't helpful in the long run.

A man will feel anger mainly out of frustration, frustration that NOTHING he does or can do can undo what has happened.

In our (hypothetical) marriage I would be supportive of your choices and attitudes towards others, but would choose to proactively avoid your step dad, and likely wouldn't waver from that. If you wanted me to keep my thoughts to myself and abstain from violence and abusive language towards him I would, hence the avoiding him. I would respect your choices as an individual and wouldn't stop you from seeing him, but wouldn't let him into my home, or any man guilty of such behavior for that matter.

[Hugo-B]

Everybody's different. Some survivors might be worse that non-survivors. I think I would be OK even though I haven't been abused. I could love your parents. My wife has told me a lot of stuff and we have even been through things together with her family that another man would probably hurt people for. I'm still cool with them though.

You just have to find the right man. I would think that keeping that from the one person you should be closest to would be unhealthy. You could carefully feel him out during dating.

I agree with Stillness, keeping something like this a secret would be unhealthy.

We all know that when we truly love someone there isn't much we wouldn't do for them, accepting their past - and accepting that it is what shaped them into the person we fell in love with - is all part of loving someone, the unfortunate truth is that not everyone's childhood was spent playing in an enchanted garden around puppy dogs and sunshine, life isn't always pretty. We can't change peoples' pasts (and they're not always accountable for them either) some unfortunate people are victims, but what we can do is accept them and their past, and make sure we help play a positive part in their future.

I think I'd fancy my chances more being with the right person for me - even if that means helping her live through issues like my friend (and future hypothetical wife) Magnetism, than find someone squeaky clean who I had nothing in common with.

[jns]

I know you can't generalize, but I would like a general opinion on how you think most men would react when their girlfriend or wife reveals an abusive family history. Is it normal for a man to tell his wife to cut contact with her toxic parents or is he able to just listen to his partner's story and let her make the decision on how she wants to handle her family?

My last boyfriend was loving and undertanding towards what happened to me and said it wasn't my fault, but he had a lot of anger and rage towards my parents. He would call my mom names and say she's an ugly old ********** and how I shouldn't have any sympathy for her. He would tell me that I shouldn't even call my step-dad "dad" and he would want me to limit my contact with my parents. I once planned a trip out to visit my family, but he told me to cancel my trip. He said that he didn't want me to be around my parents and was concerned about my mental health. Whenever my ex would meet my parents, he would act rude to them. He would also encourage me to be rude to my parents. I was raised that you still be polite to your elders, even if you don't like them.

Even though what my parents did was wrong, it makes me uncomfortable to hear someone say that my mom is a nasty old ********** and how my parents should be locked up in a zoo (yes, he said that). Having to hear that ruins the passion of the relationship. I want to relax and have fun when I'm dating someone. I understand if someone doesn't like my parents, but is it too much to ask to just keep your opinions and let it go?


I'm at the point where I'm contemplating to not even mention a word about my trauma history to my next partner. I'm just concerned about people not being able to handle these kinds of things. I don't want to deal with the drama of someone being mean to my parents. Another example is when my former roommate knew about my family. My family invited her for dinner with us when they visited me. She refused to go, because she said she couldn't bear to look at my parents' faces. She also said that she has a hard time acting nice to my mom.

Do you think a nice man would be willing to accept my decision to keep contact with my family? I have decided to forgive my parents, so I don't want to be encouraged to hate my parents forever or treat them poorly. It's not helpful for me and my future.

In an ideal world, it would be nice to share our problems and have everyone understand. I feel like sharing your family details can sometimes make things worse. My therapist was surprised as to why some of my close friends don't know my problems, but you just don't know how someone can handle the details.

A husband would likely want to protect and take care of his family and if his in-laws were causing problems with that, he would try to change the situation, including cutting off the offenders in any way possible. Why would the wife want him to be emasculated by inaction as he sees her continue to suffer? The toxicity will continue to claim victims. Most guys will not handle such emasculation well. Lashing out would be common.

[Magnetism]

thanks for the replies everyone. Little and Stillness-I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. While I don't think every survivor should forgive, all I know is that it has been helping me right now. I feel like a big rock has been lifted off of my shoulders.

if you don't believe in forgiveness, then it's wrong to force someone to forgive and just act like everything is okay. I know my step-dad won't live very long given the condition he's in. He may even die before I have children.

Looking back at what I wrote, the handful of male sexual abuse survivors I know do have problems. They don't like sex and they may have borderline personality disorder (which is what my mom has). I don't mean to judge, as I have my own issues too. I can see what stillness means how two survivors can feed off of each other's issues.