[Claret]

This is not to say that there cannot be contracts and oaths made within a marriage. People contract for all sorts of things under all types of circumstances. An instance of a contract could be: Person A contracts to do XXX as long as Person B does XXX in return. But, in order for it to be effectual both parties have to have a clear understanding of what the expectations are and what the consequences are should they not live up to their part of the contract or bargain.

It is simply contract law at it's finest and unless specifically detailed at the time of taking your vows it's not worth the paper it's written on. It has to be agreed upon prior to the wedding as Person A's contract and Person B's acceptance of that contract.

[Stillness]

I think putting a blank statement of "cheating is never right" or "open marriages and/or polyamory are the same as cheating" is placing a very Christian puritanical perspective on a human nature that is observed all over the world, among different cultures and societies.

I agree that we shouldn't judge. Am I that far removed from the culture that "cheating is OK sometimes" missed me? I know that some people excuse cheating. I understand it and think that people who deny their spouses are asking for it. But I don't think cheating is broadly accepted in the non-Christian world.

[Lady Syrinx]

I look at our vows as guidelines or reminders of what marriage means in both a religious and non-religious context. When things are happy it's easy to stick to them. When things get tough, like the situation we're talking about, you start to look for the"easy out." Which is exactly what I was doing. I didn't realize it at the time, but my husband was acting as that reminder by sticking to his vows (or obligations, if you prefer).


SP, If I come off as judgmental I don't mean to be. These are my opinions and yes they are based on Judeo-Christian thought. How can my opinions not be? I was raised Catholic and in the Catholic educational system. I understand that "open marriages" can work, but I doubt that it would work for most couples. I don't see how an established, monogamous couple could abruptly change the nature of their relationship without some serious ramifications. A couple like my husband and I. I have never heard a situation where a marriage was saved by an affair. The issues that cause affairs are usually easily solved with communication, outside or within therapy. Trying to solve emotional problems with sex is bound to fail.

Corey, I believe there are "deal breakers" when it comes to marriage vows. My biggies are adultery (discussed ad nauseum) and abuse. Women, especially those of my parents' generation and older, will use the marriage as reason to stay, the the "you've made your bed, now lie it." mindset. The abuser uses the marriage vows as an excuse as well, the traditional "love, honor and obey." portion. Both parties are twisting the vows in that case. I don't think anyone expects a woman to stay in an abusive situation just to honor her vows. IMO, A real man would never put his hands on a woman in anger. The first time he does that he has lost any integrity in claiming to love the woman. Again, this may sound highly judgmental but it's based on experience, not in my relationship but in my family.

[CheekyNess]

Personally, I would prefer it if my partner and I could come to an agreement on having an open relationship. Personally speaking, there's only so much a person can talk, and ask what's wrong, etc., before taking other action. My partner and I have spent time talking, the last time was me telling him that I now understand why people cheat. I do; I get it. Not saying that I think it's right, but after talking so much with not much actual action on a regular basis, I would understand why a person would look elsewhere.

What about the people who have waited and tried everything they could think of for 10 or 20 or more years, and whose partners still won't be intimate witht them. What are the choices:

Continue to live celibate and probably deeply resent their partner for it?
Cheat?
Leave the person that despite a lack of intimacy they still love?

For anyone who has not wanted sex for a long time, which would have you have preferred?

[CheekyNess]

I think it also depends on what marriage means to each individual person, and the reasons for getting married in the first place, as those things differ, even within the same relationship.

The thing that's interesting about these discussions to me is to see how others handle these situations. The answers for this kind of stuff are always simple in my community, even if they're not always easy. You keep your vows.

I recognize that marriage, and therefore the vows may be different for non-christians. That makes me wonder: What exactly is marriage? What are the vows you took? It seems that the answer could be with those questions.

[CheekyNess]

Here's an opinion from someone who doesn't have kids. At the start of our relationship, our drive were the same, and I had thought that we were on the same pages. I've never wanted to give birth to a child, but would quite readily adopt children in the future. However, never with my husband, as there are just way too many mental health issues in his family, and I wouldn't want to expose a child to that. But, I would still love to have a family.

Bringing it back to the focus on kids, I would be interesting in hearing the opinion of people who do have kids and have experienced a relationship where there was a significant difference in sex drives. It's easy for people to judge when they have not been in that situation. Being a parent and also trying to fulfill your own sexual desires is not always easy.

[Stillness]

I think it also depends on what marriage means to each individual person, and the reasons for getting married in the first place, as those things differ, even within the same relationship.

I agree. Romy needs to consult their vows/agreement for their answer.

now understand why people cheat

After being married, I do too. I think it's a stupid move, but I get it now.

[Trixareforkids]

If my hubby told me that he simply could not do without sex and I'm not willing or able to have sex (for a protracted time period, say longer than a year), I personally would tell him to find a bed buddy. If the situation were reversed I'd make it clear, if I had reasons for staying in the relationship, that I would be seeking a bed buddy. The only time I feel that an affair/cheating (that you NEVER reveal) is fair is when the partner is cognitively absent, due to accident, illness or extreme depression. If you CAN talk about it you are obligated to talk about it and if you need to go outside the relationship for something it has to be acknowledged, if even that is not possible it's time to start planning your exit strategy.