[Pneeleysmom]

I'm a woman, who's been listening intently, and I will comment more later. For now, please seek your own legal counsel. Don't sign another document in the process until you have a trained professional review what you've agreed to thus far.
More later dear...and welcome

Thanks atskitty2,

Rest assured, I've signed nothing. My attorney has my back 100% and was more than ready to "go for blood" until I explained that I really just wanted to get it over with. I may regret it later, but I am getting a substantial amount to recoup myself, plus the child support for my daughter for the next 13 years. He's really messed with me mentally and I just want to get away from it all. He was my best friend for many, many years and made me feel safe and protected deep down. I depended on him much more than I should, and maybe that's why I feel the way I do.

[Baboy]

Pneeleysmom,

Some attorneys feel it is their job to fight hammer and tong over every issue. They are content to undertake a litigation extravaganza on your dime. That is not always a course of prudence, particularly where you are paying by the hour. I have seen many cases where the parties have modest incomes and assets and it all ends up in the attorneys' pockets.

Sometimes walking away with less makes sense, instead of embarking on a protracted and expensive legal battle. That is way I expressed the fond hope that you have settled upon an attorney with whom you are comfortable and who will follow your instructions, while ensuring you are fully aware of the impact of those instructions. Be reasonable, but don't give away the farm.

[Pneeleysmom]

Pneeleysmom,

Some attorneys feel it is their job to fight hammer and tong over every issue. They are content to undertake a litigation extravaganza on your dime. That is not always a course of prudence, particularly where you are paying by the hour. I have seen many cases where the parties have modest incomes and assets and it all ends up in the attorneys' pockets.

Sometimes walking away with less makes sense, instead of embarking on a protracted and expensive legal battle. That is way I expressed the fond hope that you have settled upon an attorney with whom you are comfortable and who will follow your instructions, while ensuring you are fully aware of the impact of those instructions. Be reasonable, but don't give away the farm.

Well said!!

[rcoreyus]

I'll be in the minority here and support your idea that you just want to get it over. Right now you are completely blameless, your conscience is completely clear. More than that, you have been badly wronged by a man to whom you gave your love.

A long legal fight can get ugly. If he gets ugly, you may need to get ugly. You may win in terms of money, but be left wondering whether you did the right thing. If you take the high road, you get to be woman who is always polite and friendly when she lets her kid see the man who wronged her. A man who honestly will have nothing he can possibly say against you.

The road to financial security is to have your own career.

In the end you will have a happy life because you are able to love and he is not.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He's a very hot tempered man, and there were times I'd think "Is this how my life is going to be forever" the name calling and rages from him over a simple disagreement.

Keep re-reading that over and over and over, because that is who he was/is... Then a cheater. Then a lier. Then someone who doesn't even care about his child or else, his child would have had money for the past 2 months... Narassistic personality?

YAY you are free finally from this pesty thing called a "boy", you are only 30, your parents will help you and you will thrive, you won't even recognise yourself as you start to peer in that mirror and realise how beautiful you are, then look deep inside and realise the same exists inside.

You do know his piece of fluff is so in lust, she is doing what you did "giving him everything" but you do realise at some point he will treat her the way you were treated and put down and at that point, he will lose her too..

And, then what? The ol man may need to hide in the loo and do his thing because he'll be an old 40 year old

Ok, I hope you laughed a little but I meant every word of it ...

Go shine. Use this instead of face-book to express your feelings, there, always, always show how intensely happy you now are, regardless until you have the guts to block them all.

[effy2014]

effy, if I could give 10 likes to that comment about the women listening, I would do it!

I'm here for you. How does make you feel to only be able to like it once?

[effy2014]

We are not concerned about which decisions you make about the divorce, just that you are getting sound advice.

As for the whys, he is thinking with the small head. He went for instant gratification instead of working on the marriage. It is completely unproductive to blame yourself. Keep the blame where it belongs. As CW says (and she is always right) keep remembering who he really is, not the romanticized version.

[Pneeleysmom]

Just thought I should add that his reasons for straying away are as follows :
I was horrible at paying bills (he never had any responsibility for paying anything) other than bringing home the paycheck
We spent too much time with my family
We aren't good for each other and our relationship isn't healthy for our daughter
We never took a vacation alone

[atskitty2]

Ok, Pneely, I didn't see the other posts before I posted my earlier one, so I apologize for that timing.

Anyway, Darlin, I understand some of the feelings you're having and some are still very fresh in my mind. I went through a divorce a couple years ago. It was a slower build-up to the same end, but nevertheless, it ended. Not sure if I heard it somewhere or if it came to mind genuinely, but I often said that it doesn't matter how fast or slow the water rises, when the levee breaks, you're still in over your head.

You're fresh in this, the wounds are raw & you're emotionally & mentally bruised. You have a daughter to protect & shield from this, and it sounds like you're taking great measures to do that. But please remember, no matter what you do, she WILL be influenced & impacted because this is happening to HER as well as it is you & her Dad. At that age, any major change in your lives, is a major change in hers. I say this not to make you feel guilt or helplessness, but so that maybe, if you're under some illusion that she'll be unscathed, you'll realize she is hurting too. Acknowledge that, nurture her & talk openly about feelings & make it appropriate to be open & honest in positive, reinforcing ways. Obviously, shield her from the adult war waging, and the negative actions & feelings, but she will need an outlet for her own worries too. Whether that's with you, or a counselor, it doesn't matter. Kids just don't understand what we do as adults sometimes, and in their minds, things can get all garbled & they assign their own reasoning to it, which is usually damaging for them.
With that said, I will tell you I don't have kids of my own. This advice comes from watching others make this mistake...they either wage war right in front of the kids or brush it all under a rug & pretend the kids have nothing to do with it.

About you: Get some counseling. It'll help get things in perspective. There's no shame in it. It's healthy. It doesn't need to be a psychiatrist or psychologist, it can be a licensed counselor or pastor or priest.

You will likely never have some of the answers you want, as to the why's & how's & when's...learn to let that part go or it will torment you. Ruminating over why only makes the scars a little deeper with every round. Be very mindful of your thoughts and just put a stop to it when you start in that obsessive wheel of "how could he leave a lovely woman like me for a piece of trash like her" and so on...the answer is "because he's trash too!" And then stop.

His reasons above are pretty lame. Did he ever talk to you meaningfully about these "problems" & make an effort to make changes? prior to finding someone else? Doesn't sound like anything terribly unlivable, and completely reversible with some communication & efforts on both sides.

I've taken cold medicine, and just drawn a complete blank on what I was about to say...I'm so sorrty. I'll have to check back in when the fuzzy wears off.

[effy2014]

Just thought I should add that his reasons for straying away are as follows :
I was horrible at paying bills (he never had any responsibility for paying anything) other than bringing home the paycheck
We spent too much time with my family
We aren't good for each other and our relationship isn't healthy for our daughter
We never took a vacation alone

These may have been complaints but, even in combination, are not enough to leave a relationship. I'm sure he had personal issues and motivations you will never know. Too bad for him . . . he lost a beautiful and loyal woman.