[CHANDLERS WISH]

I was horrible at paying bills (he never had any responsibility for paying anything) other than bringing home the paycheck
We spent too much time with my family
We aren't good for each other and our relationship isn't healthy for our daughter
We never took a vacation alone

He sounds like someone who has no understanding what so ever, of what a "couple" mean... And, one of jealousy over your family and the last bit, he's comparing his "lust" which suggests that he's thought of you whilst you know... Yet, what is amusing is, he could have taken "you" away and received the same thing...

It's all excuses so he feels better. Nothing more sweet.

[Pneeleysmom]

Ok, Pneely, I didn't see the other posts before I posted my earlier one, so I apologize for that timing.

Anyway, Darlin, I understand some of the feelings you're having and some are still very fresh in my mind. I went through a divorce a couple years ago. It was a slower build-up to the same end, but nevertheless, it ended. Not sure if I heard it somewhere or if it came to mind genuinely, but I often said that it doesn't matter how fast or slow the water rises, when the levee breaks, you're still in over your head.

You're fresh in this, the wounds are raw & you're emotionally & mentally bruised. You have a daughter to protect & shield from this, and it sounds like you're taking great measures to do that. But please remember, no matter what you do, she WILL be influenced & impacted because this is happening to HER as well as it is you & her Dad. At that age, any major change in your lives, is a major change in hers. I say this not to make you feel guilt or helplessness, but so that maybe, if you're under some illusion that she'll be unscathed, you'll realize she is hurting too. Acknowledge that, nurture her & talk openly about feelings & make it appropriate to be open & honest in positive, reinforcing ways. Obviously, shield her from the adult war waging, and the negative actions & feelings, but she will need an outlet for her own worries too. Whether that's with you, or a counselor, it doesn't matter. Kids just don't understand what we do as adults sometimes, and in their minds, things can get all garbled & they assign their own reasoning to it, which is usually damaging for them.
With that said, I will tell you I don't have kids of my own. This advice comes from watching others make this mistake...they either wage war right in front of the kids or brush it all under a rug & pretend the kids have nothing to do with it.

About you: Get some counseling. It'll help get things in perspective. There's no shame in it. It's healthy. It doesn't need to be a psychiatrist or psychologist, it can be a licensed counselor or pastor or priest.

You will likely never have some of the answers you want, as to the why's & how's & when's...learn to let that part go or it will torment you. Ruminating over why only makes the scars a little deeper with every round. Be very mindful of your thoughts and just put a stop to it when you start in that obsessive wheel of "how could he leave a lovely woman like me for a piece of trash like her" and so on...the answer is "because he's trash too!" And then stop.

His reasons above are pretty lame. Did he ever talk to you meaningfully about these "problems" & make an effort to make changes? prior to finding someone else? Doesn't sound like anything terribly unlivable, and completely reversible with some communication & efforts on both sides.

I've taken cold medicine, and just drawn a complete blank on what I was about to say...I'm so sorrty. I'll have to check back in when the fuzzy wears off.

I will do everything in my power to protect and help my sweet daughter. The first words out of my mouth when I found out about the affair were "What about our sweet baby?, how will she ever recover?" It just seemed so selfish to me for him to do something like this to our family. I am one to believe in long marriages, you hit low spots where you don't necessarily feel "IN" love, but you do love that person and you take steps to bring that spark and happiness back. It's not all fairytales and butterflies all the time.

As far as discussing the issues, yes, he had mentioned that we never took a vacation alone, but every single year when vacation time came around he was always right along for the ride for the family vacation. You see, he moved in with my family when he was 16, they were almost like mother and father figures to him as well. However, I always did the planning, and scheduling, and paying of the vacation condo. He never took initiative to do ANYTHING besides work and come home. If he'd have stepped up and said "Let's take a vacation alone this year" I'd have totally been game. Maybe I should have done it myself, but to me, it wouldn't have been like a vacation. I would be chasing our daughter around everywhere, keeping her occupied and happy, while he relaxed and enjoyed himself. That's how I pictured it anyway. He brought NOTHING to the table when it came to the marriage besides wanting sex. As far as the bills are concerned, he never touched a bill. He's struggled since I left because he didn't know account numbers, when ANYTHING was due etc etc. I asked him several times to take them and remove some of the weight from my shoulders, but he refused. I am a full time working mother who was responsible for EVERYTHING, all the way down to taking out the trash. He never touched a dish in the 10 years we were married and I can probably count on one hand the amount of times he touched a vacuum cleaner. To me, marriage is team work. To him, team work means sex. He has told me on several occasions that if I wanted him to change, then to never make him have to ask for sex again. ARG! Our sex life wasn't an every night type thing, but it was a LONG span if we went over a week. You see? I just don't see these being issues big enough to leave your marriage. Apparently he liked what she had to offer. I don't know, but it kills me inside, self esteem and all. I feel like over all these years, he's mentally done something to me that I'll never recover from.

[Motorguy]

I will do everything in my power to protect and help my sweet daughter. The first words out of my mouth when I found out about the affair were "What about our sweet baby?, how will she ever recover?" It just seemed so selfish to me for him to do something like this to our family. I am one to believe in long marriages, you hit low spots where you don't necessarily feel "IN" love, but you do love that person and you take steps to bring that spark and happiness back. It's not all fairytales and butterflies all the time.

As far as discussing the issues, yes, he had mentioned that we never took a vacation alone, but every single year when vacation time came around he was always right along for the ride for the family vacation. You see, he moved in with my family when he was 16, they were almost like mother and father figures to him as well. However, I always did the planning, and scheduling, and paying of the vacation condo. He never took initiative to do ANYTHING besides work and come home. If he'd have stepped up and said "Let's take a vacation alone this year" I'd have totally been game. Maybe I should have done it myself, but to me, it wouldn't have been like a vacation. I would be chasing our daughter around everywhere, keeping her occupied and happy, while he relaxed and enjoyed himself. That's how I pictured it anyway. He brought NOTHING to the table when it came to the marriage besides wanting sex. As far as the bills are concerned, he never touched a bill. He's struggled since I left because he didn't know account numbers, when ANYTHING was due etc etc. I asked him several times to take them and remove some of the weight from my shoulders, but he refused. I am a full time working mother who was responsible for EVERYTHING, all the way down to taking out the trash. He never touched a dish in the 10 years we were married and I can probably count on one hand the amount of times he touched a vacuum cleaner. To me, marriage is team work. To him, team work means sex. He has told me on several occasions that if I wanted him to change, then to never make him have to ask for sex again. ARG! Our sex life wasn't an every night type thing, but it was a LONG span if we went over a week. You see? I just don't see these being issues big enough to leave your marriage. Apparently he liked what she had to offer. I don't know, but it kills me inside, self esteem and all. I feel like over all these years, he's mentally done something to me that I'll never recover from.

Pneeleysmom I couldn't even attempted to understand what you going through as it makes me sick being married like this to a man like this.Then on top of it rub your nose in it by having affair then having to explain this affair to your daughter. In my book he's not a man but a guy taking up air for a real man who wouldn't leave his family period. So he can lay his head and have someone take care of them and bring nothing at all to the table but a guy with only a penis and that's it. Real men love support there wife and kids forever not just be a lazy guy sleeping walking through life. I really hope you kick this guy to the curb there is a real man out there who you can love and be happy with one day so good luck and god bless you.

[jen1447]

We aren't good for each other

These kinds of inane sayings usually only come out after an affair starts - rationalizations, not reasons. What does it even mean? It's so vague it could be said about spouses or you and your dog. He did something he may feel guilty about, he doesn't want to feel guilty, he does want to continue with the excitement of the affair, he doesn't have the wherewithal to act like an adult and instead goes for "fun - yay!" ....it all ends up as "we aren't good for each other." It's really meaningless in terms of the actual words.

[effy2014]

I just don't see these being issues big enough to leave your marriage.

Not for him -- he had the sweet life. But for you? Lots of marriage ending material in that statement. When you think that his leaving is a reflection on you, just re-read what you just wrote. Wasn't you.

[atskitty2]

These issues are NOT big enough to leave your marriage, but lack of communication & understanding & cohesiveness is, which is what this all boils down to. He couldn't state his needs, for you to appropriately respond. Sounds like you had some issues you'd not addressed with him as well-the reasons why you didn't want a vacation alone w/him. Your reasons are completely legit. There's nothing wrong with either of your needs & wants, but the problems arise when each participant in a marriage or any relationship doesn't express those needs clearly, and the other take a position of hearing & working to satisfy the other or compromise in some way.

Sweetie, I think as you move further away from the trauma of this, you will see many things that were wrong, that you couldn't see while you were in the center of it. You were committed & focused on the positives that come along with that, raising a child & doing your best for everyone. Some day you'll have the hindsight 20/20 thing...and you'll see things very differently. The bitterness will dissipate & you will slowly be whole again.

You weren't a perfect wife, he wasn't a perfect husband. None of us are, nor should we expect that in our SO. But rather than handle his business like an adult & see to his commitment & responsibility, he chose to take the lazy way out by getting involved outside his boundaries of marriage. Every relationship encounters struggles of varying degrees. It's how we choose to work through it together that makes us or breaks us. He chose not to work through it with you.

Keep your chin up & stay focused on your future. You will get through this, just like I did. It's going to probably get even harder before it starts getting easier, but you will be fine. It takes time & it takes WORK to recover from this. Feel the pain you're going through but don't let it take over. Lean on your friends, and somewhat on your family. If he was as a son to them as you say, they may not be the best to go to for support. Was true in my case as well.

We're all here for venting purposes, as needed Hon Please use us!

[Pneeleysmom]

These issues are NOT big enough to leave your marriage, but lack of communication & understanding & cohesiveness is, which is what this all boils down to. He couldn't state his needs, for you to appropriately respond. Sounds like you had some issues you'd not addressed with him as well-the reasons why you didn't want a vacation alone w/him. Your reasons are completely legit. There's nothing wrong with either of your needs & wants, but the problems arise when each participant in a marriage or any relationship doesn't express those needs clearly, and the other take a position of hearing & working to satisfy the other or compromise in some way.

Sweetie, I think as you move further away from the trauma of this, you will see many things that were wrong, that you couldn't see while you were in the center of it. You were committed & focused on the positives that come along with that, raising a child & doing your best for everyone. Some day you'll have the hindsight 20/20 thing...and you'll see things very differently. The bitterness will dissipate & you will slowly be whole again.

You weren't a perfect wife, he wasn't a perfect husband. None of us are, nor should we expect that in our SO. But rather than handle his business like an adult & see to his commitment & responsibility, he chose to take the lazy way out by getting involved outside his boundaries of marriage. Every relationship encounters struggles of varying degrees. It's how we choose to work through it together that makes us or breaks us. He chose not to work through it with you.

Keep your chin up & stay focused on your future. You will get through this, just like I did. It's going to probably get even harder before it starts getting easier, but you will be fine. It takes time & it takes WORK to recover from this. Feel the pain you're going through but don't let it take over. Lean on your friends, and somewhat on your family. If he was as a son to them as you say, they may not be the best to go to for support. Was true in my case as well.

We're all here for venting purposes, as needed Hon Please use us!

That's just the thing. When I did bring up issues. I was always *****ing, or being a ***** with my *** on my shoulders. He'd say it was all excuses. I can guarantee that a vacation alone, as a family would not have stopped him from cheating on me if the opportunity presented itself. I guess in our 10 years of marriage he was never put in the position to make a choice like that and when it was there for him to choose, he chose her. He chose to let it go too far. It sucks. I've tried talking to him about it all, but I get nowhere because he says that I'll never admit I'm not an angel. That's just it, I'm more than willing to admit I could have put more in, who couldn't, but would that have stopped the outcome? It's questions like this that drive me batty. Apparently he's weak. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

[Baboy]

Hot diggity atskitty, when you're right, you're right!

[Pneeleysmom]

Hot diggity atskitty, when you're right, you're right!

???? Ummm .....lol

[jen1447]

lol he was talking to atskitty2, aka kitty. She is a rock and roll god.