[jen1447]

Good job. That was actually more direct and clear than anything else you've written so far about all this, and it feels brutally honest.

The time issue is really interesting to me ....I'm not a psychologist or anything like that but I thought the accepted time for grieving was generally a year? People are really cutting you short if they think you're supposed to be 100% after 3 months. Relationships are 'serious business' that way - every bit as impactful as a death imo. Anyway don't feel bad about still being in the thick of all this - you should be.

Do you feel like you're leaning any closer to either of the call/don't call sides now?

[Pneeleysmom]

I don't know. I feel like I haven't been able to connect with him on a successful level since all this happened, but most of the time our conversations get nowhere, and he insists that he feels like he hasn't made a mistake be that truthful or not, and he just ends up coming across cold because he doesn't know what to say. I'll more than likely just text him and ask him not to call. I feel like if he wants to pursue me he will and I shouldn't have to call and spill my feelings to him for him to see where he should be.... With his family.

[rcoreyus]

That looked well thought out and it seems that you are being honest with yourself. All I can say is to try not to blame yourself in any way. Maybe you could have done things differently, but no one is perfect in a relationship. No one. The fault is entirely with him.

I'm sorry your friends think you should be over it. It will take time.

[jen1447]

I don't know. I feel like I haven't been able to connect with him on a successful level since all this happened, but most of the time our conversations get nowhere, and he insists that he feels like he hasn't made a mistake be that truthful or not, and he just ends up coming across cold because he doesn't know what to say. I'll more than likely just text him and ask him not to call. I feel like if he wants to pursue me he will and I shouldn't have to call and spill my feelings to him for him to see where he should be.... With his family.

That sounds good. I have one other suggestion for today/tonight - watch a movie and eat a tub of ice cream. You need a short term distraction. You'll still think about all this while watching the movie but it's better than nothing.

Also I want you to know that we're never too far away here, at pretty much any time of day, so whenever you feel down or out of touch (if you do, if you don't - great), more likely than not you'll be within minutes of getting a response from somebody here. Use us as your lifeline when you need it. Chandler's Wish for example is in Australia, so if you wake up in the middle of the night feeling bad, chances are good she'll be on here or nearby. You haven't had good comfort until she's cuddled you - she's like a human bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup! And there are many others just as caring.

Hugs.

[Pneeleysmom]

[QUOTE=rcoreyus;384142]That looked well thought out and it seems that you are being honest with yourself. All I can say is to try not to blame yourself in any way. Maybe you could have done things differently, but no one is perfect in a relationship. No one. The fault is entirely with him.


I've always hear men say if things are right at home a man wouldn't have to look outside his marriage. I guess that's what gets me and that's where I feel like a failure.

[effy2014]

Jen,
I really don't know. I guess I just want him to know how I'm feeling. I'm sure he already knows. I definitely don't want to come across as desperate, but I sure feel it and have felt it the last few days. I just feel like he's lost and in deep, even though that could be the furthest thing from the truth at this point, for all I know. I don't know. I don't know anything

Take Jen's advice and write down your feelings. There are really no good outcomes of a conversation with him. He is not the one lost and in deep. I am afraid that you are -- lost in that limbo between the fantasy of his return and the reality of your new life without him. Getting him back would not save your life . . . how could he rebuild the trust? How do you know that he would not run again into the arms of another woman after a fight?

You are young and beautiful. You have another life in front of you. Take the time to grieve and when the times comes, move on.

[atskitty2]

I would encourage you not to discuss it with him, for 2 main reasons. 1: It isn't likely to change anything that you want it to, and likely won't even make you feel better in the way you hope it to. 2. It's time to start meeting your emotional needs without him, and discussing your feelings with him is no way to break away from that attachment.
You have an outlet for those feelings, by writing them out as you have, and by coming here to us. This is also a great time to utilize that counselor. If you continue to "vent" to him, you will continue renewing that bond with him.

I'm not suggesting you don't say to him what needs to be said. Get it out of your system & leave it.

Those who think you should be moving on by now are right only in this very limited sense. It's time to take steps in that direction-moving away from him & the ties you have to him. It takes a very long time to recover from all this. It is commonly said to give yourself a year. I say, give yourself ALL the time you need, whether it's a year or 2, 5, we cannot put times on grieving & loss, which is exactly what this is. You have a child together, so you cannot fully cut ties with him, but start to limit communications to only child-related topics.

I will add, as well, that if getting him home is what you really want, this is also not the most likely course to accomplish that. There's nothing wrong with wanting that, but you've got to live in the realities that exist & take care of your own needs first.


My ex-husband called me a few days ago. It was unexpected, emotional & disturbing for me. It's been over 2 years and it still had the power to wind me up. It's the first I'd heard his voice in over a year, and it was bittersweet. I suspect he'll always have that response from me. But I'm ok now. We have control over our minds & feelings. We just have to learn to exert that control.

[effy2014]

I've always hear men say if things are right at home a man wouldn't have to look outside his marriage. I guess that's what gets me and that's where I feel like a failure.

You can't fail for what you don't know. I would amend that statement -- it is a cowardly man who does not attempt to change the condition of his marriage BEFORE he looks outside of it for comfort. There is no question that your marriage (or any marriage for that matter) was not perfect. But you did not have the opportunity to address his issues and change.

Kitty is right. Re-read her post and take it to heart.

[atskitty2]

[QUOTE=Pneeleysmom;384145]

I've always hear men say if things are right at home a man wouldn't have to look outside his marriage. I guess that's what gets me and that's where I feel like a failure.

The implication here, among other things, is that the wife is what's wrong in the marriage. SHE caused this poor man to go elsewhere. Not always so. Your husband made a choice. Don't take blame for choices you didn't make together.

[Pneeleysmom]

I text him and said

"I'm sorry about this morning, please do not call me back. I know if you missed me and wanted our family together that you would do everything in your power to make it happen. I have just had a rough few days missing my family and feeling down about P (our daughter) not having us together, loving each other, and loving her, together. You know how I feel about you, and you know where I am if you need me. Day or night -- Much love!"


I know the last part probably shouldn't have been said. Scold me if you need to. He probably doesn't even care if I am there for him, but for now, unfortunatly, If he needs me, I am.