[Claret]

No, you do not ride out the stonewalling, swearing and accusations of betrayal that I deserve for this transgression. What you do is have a civil talk with him, explain your position, tell him that although you understand his position that it doesn't change what you want (unless it does and you really want to change your position for you not for him). I would hardly call befriending someone on facebook as a betrayal. What was betrayed is that you said one thing and did another. To me this is what has to be worked on - you're either good for your word or you're not. Why have you been seeing a relationship counsellor? If it is to work on couples therapy - you're missing a key ingredient - Him.

Perhaps you need to work on your issues prior to trying to fix your and his problems. When you've sorted out what it is you want, what you will accept, what you need in a relationship you can then turn to him to see if he can provide that. If it's not there but is fixable, then go for couples counselling. If it's not there and can't be fixed, then you need to get out of the relationship so that you can meet someone else that will fulfill your needs and expectations.

[effy2014]

Calibri:

Things are already on somewhat shaky grounds with the SO due to "sleeping war" as well as more assertiveness from you. His reaction, even overreaction, is not surprising as he is probably concerned over his place in the relationship . . . even innocent communication with an ex is very threatening.

The last paragraph you wrote is most troubling. He does not know that you are seeing a relationship counselor? You cannot fix this relationship alone. Your SO needs to be an integral part of the solution. This is NOT all your fault and probably not all his (though it seems that he is not a very good compromiser). He needs to know how important it is to you to fix this relationship or both of you will be unhappy for the long term.

[calibri~]

The counselling was to get an impartial view about some things....I was starting to question my moral compass and sanity and needed to talk those things through and consider what it is I want. I will tell SO about my next (last) appointment as I feel too awful about the secret. I'll just have to accept the fallout.
I already tried the civil discussion, he doesn't want to talk, only shout. He says I must take responsibility for the upset I have caused.
If I ever keep something a secret from him, it's always because I think it is for the best and I'm afraid of his angry outbursts and temper...I know hiding things makes it worse (and I don't make a habit of It) but....he gets to mad if he thinks I've spoken to anyone about him or our relationship.

[Baboy]

calibri~,

You have received some good advice here. I also see nothing wrong with an ex as a friend, on fb or otherwise, so long as it's patently clear that the contact is limited and just to get the occasional bit of news about the life of the ex. I happen not to have kept any exs (exes? Not sure of the plural of "ex") in my life, nor has my wife, but I do not see it as something about which there should be an absolute prohibition. I tend to see it along the lines of how schools teach kids about "good touching" and "bad touching". There's "good contact" and "bad contact" and there's a bright line between the two.

As for the relationship counselor, I agree with effy, at least in part. I'll accept that there may be times when it is appropriate to see a counselor on your own, without the SO knowing. An example of when that might be appropriate is where you know for sure that any suggestion of counseling, even to include you both, will be met with hostility. Sounds like that's what you face.

That brings me to what I see as your greatest problem. Your SO seems to have some significant anger management issues and it comes across that he very much needs counseling. On the one hand, you seem willing to acknowledge that you are not perfect, your judgment is not always the best, you have made mistakes, and you are determined to do better. That speaks well of you. But worrying is your reference to stonewalling, swearing, berating, etc. That speaks poorly of him. You should not have to endure that sort of petulant behavior. It resolves nothing and only serves to undermine the relationship. Without some impetus for behavior modification, it's unlikely to improve and likely to get worse, to your peril.

Others might have better insight than I, but I am not sure you should reveal your upcoming counseling session. The reaction you will trigger in your SO might be too poisonous. I might be inclined to go and to relate to the counselor all you have related here. Tell him or her about your SO's unwillingness to seek counseling together, his seething hostility over your "transgressions" and apparent need to punish you, at least verbally. The counselor might be able to provide some guidance about how to improve your lot; how to deal with him. You may have to conclude that life with this guy might not be a life of eternal bliss and it's time to pull the plug. You have already kept some counseling secret. One more session might best be kept in that category, under the rubric "In for a penny, in for a pound".

[Something_Awesome]

You had an ex that you obviously cared about and still keep in touch with. If you split with your current SO, would you keep in touch with him? I not a huge fan of your SO, and I doubt he is wholly bad, but I think a lot of people are rooting for you to find someone else.

[calibri~]

Sorry have to keep relies short as only have privacy on phone.
Baboy, you may be right about the next session....I should have been open from the start...
Something awesome, yes I would WANT to stay in contact with my SO because I care about him and we've spent the best part of 10 years together. He, on the other hand, will cut all ties and hope to never hear from me again should the event happen.
Current counsellor is concerned that ending this relationship will be dangerous for my mental health due to lack of good coping mechanisms for guilt....and my track record for such things....

[atskitty2]

What is it you feel guilty over?

[calibri~]

I feel guilty over:
Considering ending relationship
Talking to people about the above
Hurting people
Being selfish
Being imperfect
Being lazy
Being paranoid
Taking things for granted
Hiding things (described in thread)
Having SO move into my place only to consider turfing him out
Being unhappy with SO
Not compromising enough
Not caring enough
Just generally.....choosing not to be a good enough a person.

[Crystalblue]

I would think seeing a relationship counselor for any confusions would be a good thing for both sides. It gives the opportunity to be sure about what you really want from a relationship, which should be important to your partner too. I could see him being a little hurt from it being kept from him instead of you feeling like you could be more open, but it sounds like he's given you reason for a level of secrecy.

There should be mutual respect for each other's feelings. If a friendship with an ex hurts him, but you value keeping it over his feelings, there's something to be examined there.

On the other hand, he sounds overly controlling & I would hate it to be a situation where you separate yourself from a support network in favor of an unhealthy relationship...

[Baboy]

I would hope your counselor is helping with your "guilt" issues. I suspect there's a strong element of being too self-critical. I also suspect that it's your SO who is, in effect telling you that you should feel guilty. Also, I would say that the fact that you are here, looking for help and looking for help through counseling suggests strongly that you are not uncaring or uncommitted to improvement.

You seem like a nice person, struggling with some issues not wholly of your creation, trying to do what is right. Don't lose sight of the fact that doing what is right includes doing what is right for you. There's no need for guilt on that score.