[Something_Awesome]

Does not sound like guilt issues. Sounds more like assertiveness issues masquerading as guilt issues.

[calibri~]

Thank you all for your replies.

Today I am receiving more of the same treatment. Ignoring me, refusing to look me in the eye, speaking with a contemptuous tone. Setting his jaw in constant anger.

Crystalblue, I do not value friendship or civil annual exchange of pleasantries (as it actually is) more important than my partner's feelings but...when things are not going so well, people tend to wonder about maybe they have made the wrong choices, as historical episodes become rose tinted. Being fb friends allows me to remember what a pain in the **** this guy was at times, and that I made the right choice to leave him. Looking at it that way, i'm actually able to fully close that chapter because I have basal level contact. Does that make sense. I've only ever been in two longterm relationships. If I remember correctly, i left the ex because I felt it was an unfair relationsip...he loved me more than I loved him, plus he could be very irritating. Some months later, even though I could have gone back to the ex, I chose my current partner. This is such ancient history...it's not important, except that I have experienced a happy healthy relationship for some time, and this is not what tht felt like. SO has no reason to feel jealous...it's just difficult to explain my reasoning to him.

Baboy, yes he tells me I should feel guilty, so if I dont feel the right amount of guilt I assume I am morally deficient or something.

Something awesome, maybe you are right. Im not too good ay recognising emotions. The response to blame is guilt though, and I am blamed and therefore judged as guilty, even if I do not feel the guilt.

I make no sense. Today.

[atskitty2]

I feel guilty over:
Considering ending relationship
Talking to people about the above
Hurting people
Being selfish
Being imperfect
Being lazy
Being paranoid
Taking things for granted
Hiding things (described in thread)
Having SO move into my place only to consider turfing him out
Being unhappy with SO
Not compromising enough
Not caring enough
Just generally.....choosing not to be a good enough a person.

I think SA may have a point Calibri. I don't necessarily identify the above as severe guilt-producing failures, even tho I do feel you probably have some serious self-esteem issues to work through. But, regardless, all the above are completely in your control, and can be changed with some self-awareness and consistent action on your part. And I do agree w/Baboy that you're probably just way too hard on yourself tho, and whomever said that these are probably things HE put into your mind to induce guilt to manipulate you.

Think about it-going back through each of those points above & examining it for yourself, honestly, without the "I suck" glasses on. I'll go through a few of them by number to get you started...there's more you can add on your own - you don't have to do it here, just get your mind going on this. I think you should challenge these ideas that come to mind that make you feel guilty, so that you begin to realize there's no guilt there to be had.

1. What's wrong w/considering ending the relationship? If it isn't going well/the way you want it to, that's exactly what you SHOULD be doing. You have every right to do what is right for you.
2. Who are you talking to? We all want/need to talk, to vent, to get some feedback from others about what they see & think. We all need a little validation that our gut is right. There's nothing wrong with that, in the proper context.

4. What's wrong with being a little selfish? If you have children & they're well-cared for, nurtured & healthy, then your self is generally the next in priority. Self-preservation is not selfishness. I think you have those confused.

7. What are you taking for granted? We all forget how good we have it at times and have to reflect on our blessings. That's nothing to feel any guilt over. Keep a gratitude journal. OTOH, If that's something HE tells you, as if to indicate he treats you well...that's manipulation & lies.
8. You're hiding things in an effort to minimize further trauma. Self-preservation.
9. He deserves to be "turfed out" treating you the way he does. You shouldn't feel guilty for it.
10 You have every reason to be unhappy with SO, examine why you feel guilty for that. That's your own issues of feeling you don't deserve better, and I say you do deserve better.
11 Is that really true? Are you really not compromising enough?

13. Then start making better choices.

^That's all just a comment to get you thinking, you apply it to yourself according to what's really going on.
If you are feeling "guilty" because you aren't doing things you know you need to be doing, then you can change it. It just takes building up some courage & getting your mind set on what's right for you.

I'm not an advocate of keeping secrets in relationships, as you've done w/the counseling, but if there's potential for volatility there, and it seems there is, then do what you have to do. Seems pretty clear he isn't going to appreciate your efforts or try to extract any benefit for himself from your visits. I think the fb friend thing could have been handled better, but I think it's just indicative of the unhealthy, messed up way this relationship has rolled out. You've acknowledged it. All you can do, is do better in the future. You cannot change that and beating yourself up over it does no good, and allowing him to hold it over your head is even worse.

I think you need more than relationship counseling. I think you need personal counseling to work on all these issues within yourself. YOU will never be better until you start to fix it. And unless he is willing to work on his own issues, you'll likely be pulled into his drama, and thereby slow your progress.

I think you're prolonging the inevitable here.

[atskitty2]

Why do you put so much weight in his opinions? He doesn't strike me as a wise individual, honest or even one who cares so much about you to tell you the truth even if it may sting...he tells you this for his own selfish intentions & to manipulate you.

"Baboy, yes he tells me I should feel guilty, so if I dont feel the right amount of guilt I assume I am morally deficient or something."

[calibri~]

Thanks so much for the in-depth reply atskitty. I know I need to sort out my own issues, but I went a long way with that in my last therapy course. The therapist said she did not think I could fully recover from my erm, issues, until this relationship is fixed or ended. I have gone backwards again with respect to my personal psychological wellbeing, in the past year though have as of yet, not resorted to any dangerous coping mechanisms. If I am ever seriously tempted then I'll cough up the money to go back to that therapist. Life is too short to waste it on causing yourself physical or mental pain.

Why do I put do much weight it'll what he says? Well if you are told the same things over and over for years, even if you don't quite believe the words you can do a good job at reciting them to appease people.

[effy2014]

I can relate to what you are going through. From my perspective, you are a complete giver attracted to (and are with) the emotionally abusive taker. Pleasing is the "feel good" part and guilt is the chain. Given the list you have provided in your post, it is easy for your SO to make you feel guilty and get everything he wants. Based on your conditioning, the relationship in which the other man loved you then you loved him was impossible to enjoy. He may not have been the right man, but the imbalance was impossible to enjoy . . . my "bet" is that you didn't believe that you deserved it.

I WAS the classic "Nice Guy" and stayed in a marriage far too long because of that conditioning. My epiphany can in the form of book my therapist recommended on the first day of therapy "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It literally changed the course of my relationships and the happiness in my life. What made the most impact for me was not someone else telling me what I deserved (which we are all doing here and will continue) but reading what the spouses of the "Nice Guy" perceived about them . . . about me. It made me look at myself from a completely different perspective. I have not read these books, but as you are an intellectual, you might get something out of them: Nice Girl Syndrome:Stop Being Manipulated and Abused; Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice; and The Disease to Please.

When you come out the other side if this, you will understand the need for balance in a relationship and accept that there a men out there who want to compromise for your happiness.

[calibri~]

Update: he cooked and is now eating dinner without me because 'we only think about ourselves now' and says he will continue to treat me this way until I realise that I have done something wrong. I just have this shaking in the core of my body.

[Baboy]

I think kitty is right about prolonging the inevitable.

To effy's reading list let me add "Learning to Leave".

[calibri~]

I have just defriended the ex again on SOs request. SO broke the silence with anger. He is very hurt, to the point that I think he might leave me. Over something so stupid(Facebook)....but so intrinsic (trust)...he accused me of having an affair etc. I'm so hurt....but I don't get to be hurt here because its my fault.

[effy2014]

If he leaves you over this Facebook issue, then he was looking to leave all along. But, I doubt it. He has too good of a situation.

You did nothing wrong. You have a right to your feelings. You have a right not to feel guilty in living your life.