[calibri~]

This reply really is about the fb thing. Although I defriended the ex, he still sent me a message this morning telling me he'd seen a band I love and that they were really good and he and his mum really enjoyed it. He just continued a chat conversation that was started yonks ago and was last used months ago. I hadn't blocked him although I defriended as I thought blocking was unnecessary.
Presumably I now need to ask SO for permission to reply? Which he will not grant...but if I tell the ex that I'm not allowed to talk to him then it sounds petty and weird, but if I say nothing then I feel terribly rude or do I just block him with no explanation...that's probably what SO will want.

[calibri~]

.
Ok so mins later at the first opportunity I told SO about the message (yes I do want an award for that...I knew hed react badly and blame me). I have to ignore the message (prob for the best..messaging someone who has defriended you is a bit strange anywqy...) otherwise I have to "deal with the consequences"
Why though do I feel like replying saying im glad they had fun? Obviously I won't but is there something wrong with me?

[Motorguy]

This reply really is about the fb thing. Although I defriended the ex, he still sent me a message this morning telling me he'd seen a band I love and that they were really good and he and his mum really enjoyed it. He just continued a chat conversation that was started yonks ago and was last used months ago. I hadn't blocked him although I defriended as I thought blocking was unnecessary.
Presumably I now need to ask SO for permission to reply? Which he will not grant...but if I tell the ex that I'm not allowed to talk to him then it sounds petty and weird, but if I say nothing then I feel terribly rude or do I just block him with no explanation...that's probably what SO will want.

Well Calibri, I do not agree with your SO at all period. My wife has FB account and in no way am I jealous with any guy on her guy friends period. I am very secure in myself and never worried she will run off with a guy friend from FB please. I say it's your account not your SO and he say anything just tell him to grow up and deal with it. You are with SO not this old boy friend period there should not be a debate ever over any of this.All this is something you see and hear in high school not adults being that jealous of a old boyfriend please. I see if you like being a friend with him then do it and tell your SO that you are, don't hide it from him just tell him I am with you not him so deal with it and let it go.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have to be honest, relationships are about trust, no one owns anyone. You expect that you love each other enough, trust each other enough to be able to be who you are which means communicating with anyone you want to.

I think that maybe your SO has a fear. You have just stated that you want to reply and say that's good. So that does suggest that this person meant "something" to you and that is always a fear for another guy.

Unless I go onto someone's page I can't tell I have been de-friended or if I am on there all the time which I am not and note, someone doesn't post anymore, then go to their page and realise . Maybe he doesn't realise?

IDK love... I think you need to talk to him about the importance of trust.

I just feel like you walk on egg shells too much.

[calibri~]

Motorguy
In principle i agree with you but its too late to go down that path. If I refuse to acquiesce to his wishes then it will appear that I have something to hide. I tried to get him to tell me what the consequences would be if I replied and only got told ominously that he would REALLY not be happy. But expressed this as a threat.

Chandlers wish
If my SO is afraid that I will leave him then why doesn't he treat me better? Doesn't it make sense to strengthen what you have rather than demmanding / approving only of social isolation? Is it common fir people who are insecure in their relationship to make their partner feel bad about themselves all the time? I asked SO again about why he said my boobs looked weird because
That had upset me but instead of an apology he just restated that I had needed to wear a bra.

Ah yes you might be right, perhaps he didn't notice he'd been defriended....though SO is convinced he did notice snd sent a message on purpose.

[Claret]

Is it common fir people who are insecure in their relationship to make their partner feel bad about themselves all the time?

YES - said loudly! It is the normal practice of insecure people to take out their insecurities on other people. This is the only way that they are able to feel better about themselves. This is because bringing people down to their level, raises their esteem of themselves in their eyes. This is typical bullying behaviour.

I've suggested in a previous post that you can be friends with exes on facebook without there being anything wrong. You've been going back and forth trying to appease your SO and it isn't working. Why don't you look to yourself and what makes you happy. Then work towards that. If that means you must cut your SO loose, then do it at your leisure don't wait for him to drag you down any lower.

[jen1447]

messaging someone who has defriended you is a bit strange anywqy

Not really hon ....it just sounds to me like someone who was genuinely your friend and isn't willing to turn their back on you over some little squabble. That's what real friends do.

calibri, I've grown very fond of you since you've been here at WHF - you seem to be a very intelligent, ambitious, gracious woman. But I have to say that continuing to read about this ongoing mistreatment at the hands of the man-child and your refusal to stand up for yourself and do anything about it just depresses me anymore. Basically everything you write about him is rife with warning bells, alarms, sirens, flashing red lights, earthquake tremors, megaphone announcements, and emergency notices saying "this guy is wrong, take cover." How is it that you don't see that?

Having to ask for permission to reply to someone on FB - bad.
Being blamed for someone messaging you on FB - bad.
Being told you have to "deal with the consequences" in a threatening way for doing some benign discretionary thing - bad.
Thinking there is something wrong with you for wanting to respond in a friendly manner to a friend - bad.
Being socially isolated by your partner - extremely bad, one of the primary tools of manipulation for abusers/controllers.
Being made to feel bad by your partner - bad.
Having your intrinsic appearance criticized - bad.

I got all those just from your last few recent posts.

[calibri~]

Jen I will reply in full some time soon I need time to ruminate.
I went to a course on bullying and harassment in the workplace, in which I learnt that the first step is to make the bully aware that their behaviour is NOT ok. So, at home, every time SO does something I find offensive, I tell him so. I tell him I'm offended, or hurt. If he continues despite this undeniable information then (rather than lodge a grievance with his mum) I will give him the options of stopping it, going to therapy, or breaking up. I'm not yet decided where I will draw the line but I am aware that out communication is so woeful that he may not be aware of how upset I am...

[jns]

Years ago SO found I was Facebook friends with an ex, he then forced me to unfriend them. A couple of years later I readded them and SO just found out. He's really angry that I " lied" to him and "went behind his back". I don't see the big deal. I have no intention of chasing after this ex, it's just after being in a relationship you kind of care what happens to that person even though you are in no way romantically involved. Am I totally out of order here?

You are not out of order, but I'm not sure you completely understand the dynamics. Most SOs will not appreciate the ex's as friends explanation. They will be too insecure about it. Your actions of unfriending an ex then adding him back a while later without discussion and assent from your SO looks to your SO as if you are susceptible to backsliding into that relationship again. Others may have already pointed this out as I have only read some of the posts. Consider the first three rules in this post by Natalie1962:https://www.womens-health.com/boards...-swinging.html .

[CHANDLERS WISH]

=calibri~;
Chandlers wish
If my SO is afraid that I will leave him then why doesn't he treat me better? Doesn't it make sense to strengthen what you have rather than demmanding / approving only of social isolation? Is it common fir people who are insecure in their relationship to make their partner feel bad about themselves all the time? I asked SO again about why he said my boobs looked weird because
That had upset me but instead of an apology he just restated that I had needed to wear a bra.

Have a read of these two :- These are from help lines.

Red Flags for Domestic Abuse

Does your partner:

◦Expect you to spend all of your time with him or to "check in" with and let him know where you are?

◦Act extremely jealous and/or possessive of you?

◦Isolate you by controlling where you go, who you see and talk to, what you wear?

◦Treat you with disrespect and put you down?

◦Put down your friends and family, your dreams, ideas and/or goals?

◦Lose his temper frequently over little things?

◦Make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells to keep the peace?

◦Make threats to hurt you, leave you, hurt your pets, destroy your property and/or commit suicide if you don't do what he wants?

◦Play mind games or make you feel guilty?

◦Refuse to take responsibility for his actions? Blame you, drugs or alcohol, his boss, parents, etc. for his behavior?


(I can see quite a few there) . Whilst below may not "all" ring true, you may not have experienced any of it yet, maybe others have in the past, maybe he hasn't gotten to some of the stages.

One would think "yes" if someone realises that you are hurt and they hurt you they apologise. Yes, one would think that if someone loved you, they'd work with you not against you.

Not an abuser. He doesn't care. He doesn't see anything other than what "he" sees. Including how he sleeps and how you must conform to that, his wishes.




Abuser Tricks

Jealousy
At the start of the relationship, an abuser will equate jealously with love. The abuser will question the victim about who the victim talks to, accuse the victim of flirting, or become jealous of time spent with others. The abuser may call the victim frequently during the day, drop by unexpectedly, refuse to let the victim work, check the car mileage, or ask friends to watch the victim.

Controlling behaviour
In the beginning an abuser will attribute controlling behavior to concern for the victim (for example, the victim's safety or decision-making skills). As this behavior progresses the situation will worsen, and the abuser may assume all control of finances or prevent the victim from coming and going freely.

Quick involvement

A victim often has known or dated the abuser for a brief period of time before getting engaged or living together. The abuser will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship. A victim may be made to feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship.

Unrealistic expectations

An abuser expects the victim to meet all of the abuser's needs, to take care of everything emotionally and domestically.

Isolation

An abuser will attempt to isolate the victim by severing the victim's ties to outside support and resources. The batterer will accuse the victim's friends and family of being "trouble makers." The abuser may block the victim's access to use of a vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home.

Blames others for problems

An abuser will blame others for all problems or for the abuser's own shortcomings. Someone is always out to get the abuser or is an obstacle to the abuser's achievements. The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything.

Blames others for feelings

An abuser will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Common phrases to look for: "You're hurting me by not doing what I want." "You control how I feel.

"Hypersensitivity

An abusive person is easily insulted, perceiving the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.

Cruelty to animals or children

This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. The abuser may expect children to perform beyond their capability (for example whipping a two-year-old for wetting a diaper or teasing children or siblings until they cry).

"Playful" use of force in sex

This behavior includes restraining partners against their will during sex, acting out fantasies in which the partner is helpless, initiating sex when the partner is asleep, or demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired. The abuser may show little concern for his partner's wishes and will use sulking and anger to manipulate compliance.

Verbal abuse

This behavior involves saying things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, cursing or degrading the victim, or putting down the victim's accomplishments.

Rigid sex roles

The victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance, a male abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Dual personality

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"Explosive behavior and moodiness, which can shift quickly to congeniality, are typical of people who beat their partners.

Past battering

An abuser will beat any partner if the individual is involved with the abuser long enough for the cycle of abuse to begin. Circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

Threats of violence

This consists of any threat of physical force meant to control the partner. Most people do not threaten their mates but an abuser will excuse this behavior by claiming "everyone talks like that.

"Breaking or striking objects

This behavior is used as punishment (breaking sentimental possessions) or to terrorize the victim into submission.Any force during an argumentThis may involve an abuser holding down his the victim, physically restraining the victim from leaving, or pushing or shoving. Holding someoneback in order to make demands, such as "You will listen to me!" is also a show of force