Hi Thack
Here are some thoughts your statement brought up to me, may some insight I hope?
Don't know what to tell except that I've read some therapists stuff that saying men and women get out of balance differently in relationships. When men feel things are getting uneven they back off, quit giving so much and just kind of withdraw. When women feel like things are out of balance they tend to give more and more, thinking the man will then reciprocate. Since when he feels he is giving a lot more he quits giving for a while, he figures everything is good because she is still giving. Men don't understand that the woman is overwhelmed, until she simply blows up. Then the poor guy is shocked. The poor woman is simply worn out and just about over it, can't stand any more. She may have said something but chances are he didn't really hear it for what it was because she expressed it as a woman does and he didn't 'get it'.
It's a problem with the different expectations each has and how each communicates and cope differently and it is at least in part, just wired into each gender. Our parents learned from their parents and they had very different expectations and lived in a very different world. The type of relationships and communication skills that worked for them don't work so well today. For the most part both men and women want more from their relationships now, we don't just expect a mostly economic and social partnership, with men providing the only income and women raising the children and tending the house. Women (I hope) no longer have their mothers telling them that sex is something they have to tollerate to please a man because men have 'urges' and that they should lay there and think about what they have to get done around the house. Now both expect sexual satisfaction, companionship, compatablity and greater partnership and personal fullfillment. As a society and as a culture we haven't yet worked out how this works. We don't have the strong preset patterns of behavior we once did to plug into. Couples are finding and creating their own ways to make their relationships work but most are doing so still hanging on to a lot of their parents and grandparents expectations. Working women still do more housework, errands and childcare than their husbands even when they have just as much time away from home in the work world.
Women and men read articles and see shows telling them about the great sex lives they should be having but they still hold many 'puritan' expectations and behaviors. Look at the posts in the sex forum, how many people don't know the basics of their partner's or their own body's sexual responses. How many of them don't seem to want to take responsibity for their own pleasure, learning to pleasure themselves or their partner or communicating their needs. What they do sexually reflects what they do in other areas of their lives.
I went through trying over and over to communicate what I needed, what I really needed changed and everytime it seemed like we had an understanding, it came out later that we didn't. It had gone in one ear, out the other and what had stuck in between had little resemblence to what I had said. This happened over and over. It happened in counseling, when the counselor turned to him and asked what he'd heard me say just then in answer to a question. The response had no relationship at all to what I'd said. The counselor would say, no, think, what did she say. He had no clue, hadn't heard a word. Granted, I was dealing with an extreme case but at some level this happens a lot between men and women.
We don't hear each other clearly, not because we don't want to but because we are communicating differently and each is interpreting through their own filter. This doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior but it can explain how one or the other reaches their limit without the other seeing where it really came from. Often times when men are saying What the....? The woman feels that she has already given him multiple chances and he has blown them all. He may not have realized they were in the count down. It can work the other way too. With the man feeling he's given all possible and she doesn't realize it's passed his limit, until he's packing.
You and your stbx have both been through some extreme stresses. Maybe her deployment was a much lighter duty than yours but we each have different limits and different responses. What one person can walk away from relatively unscathed will leave another ripped from their moorings. It sounds like she is in a completely reactionary state and not thinking clearly, her decisions regarding your child reflect that.
None of this answers what you can do about the situation. Sometimes all we can do get through things as intact as possible and try to sort out later what we can do differently next time. You are angry, frustrated and dealing with the helplessness of being in a situation where everything has to be dealt with from a distance through intermediaries. That magnifies the difficulty. As long as you don't get stuck in this emotional state, it is part of the process of healing, just like grieving after the death of a loved one, you are grieving the death of a relationship that was vitally important and should have or could have been your lifeline at this time. Your son is your lifeline, he is part of you and the pain of having so much happening out of your reach and control must be intense. I'm glad you are able to vent on here and get some of it out. You need that release. I believe I can speak for many here, that we are concerned for you and want to see this situation resolved well for you and your son.
Please take care and find ways to have some fun too. That may sound odd but you need to be able to laugh even in the worst situations just to keep some balance.
Here are some thoughts your statement brought up to me, may some insight I hope?
Don't know what to tell except that I've read some therapists stuff that saying men and women get out of balance differently in relationships. When men feel things are getting uneven they back off, quit giving so much and just kind of withdraw. When women feel like things are out of balance they tend to give more and more, thinking the man will then reciprocate. Since when he feels he is giving a lot more he quits giving for a while, he figures everything is good because she is still giving. Men don't understand that the woman is overwhelmed, until she simply blows up. Then the poor guy is shocked. The poor woman is simply worn out and just about over it, can't stand any more. She may have said something but chances are he didn't really hear it for what it was because she expressed it as a woman does and he didn't 'get it'.
It's a problem with the different expectations each has and how each communicates and cope differently and it is at least in part, just wired into each gender. Our parents learned from their parents and they had very different expectations and lived in a very different world. The type of relationships and communication skills that worked for them don't work so well today. For the most part both men and women want more from their relationships now, we don't just expect a mostly economic and social partnership, with men providing the only income and women raising the children and tending the house. Women (I hope) no longer have their mothers telling them that sex is something they have to tollerate to please a man because men have 'urges' and that they should lay there and think about what they have to get done around the house. Now both expect sexual satisfaction, companionship, compatablity and greater partnership and personal fullfillment. As a society and as a culture we haven't yet worked out how this works. We don't have the strong preset patterns of behavior we once did to plug into. Couples are finding and creating their own ways to make their relationships work but most are doing so still hanging on to a lot of their parents and grandparents expectations. Working women still do more housework, errands and childcare than their husbands even when they have just as much time away from home in the work world.
Women and men read articles and see shows telling them about the great sex lives they should be having but they still hold many 'puritan' expectations and behaviors. Look at the posts in the sex forum, how many people don't know the basics of their partner's or their own body's sexual responses. How many of them don't seem to want to take responsibity for their own pleasure, learning to pleasure themselves or their partner or communicating their needs. What they do sexually reflects what they do in other areas of their lives.
I went through trying over and over to communicate what I needed, what I really needed changed and everytime it seemed like we had an understanding, it came out later that we didn't. It had gone in one ear, out the other and what had stuck in between had little resemblence to what I had said. This happened over and over. It happened in counseling, when the counselor turned to him and asked what he'd heard me say just then in answer to a question. The response had no relationship at all to what I'd said. The counselor would say, no, think, what did she say. He had no clue, hadn't heard a word. Granted, I was dealing with an extreme case but at some level this happens a lot between men and women.
We don't hear each other clearly, not because we don't want to but because we are communicating differently and each is interpreting through their own filter. This doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior but it can explain how one or the other reaches their limit without the other seeing where it really came from. Often times when men are saying What the....? The woman feels that she has already given him multiple chances and he has blown them all. He may not have realized they were in the count down. It can work the other way too. With the man feeling he's given all possible and she doesn't realize it's passed his limit, until he's packing.
You and your stbx have both been through some extreme stresses. Maybe her deployment was a much lighter duty than yours but we each have different limits and different responses. What one person can walk away from relatively unscathed will leave another ripped from their moorings. It sounds like she is in a completely reactionary state and not thinking clearly, her decisions regarding your child reflect that.
None of this answers what you can do about the situation. Sometimes all we can do get through things as intact as possible and try to sort out later what we can do differently next time. You are angry, frustrated and dealing with the helplessness of being in a situation where everything has to be dealt with from a distance through intermediaries. That magnifies the difficulty. As long as you don't get stuck in this emotional state, it is part of the process of healing, just like grieving after the death of a loved one, you are grieving the death of a relationship that was vitally important and should have or could have been your lifeline at this time. Your son is your lifeline, he is part of you and the pain of having so much happening out of your reach and control must be intense. I'm glad you are able to vent on here and get some of it out. You need that release. I believe I can speak for many here, that we are concerned for you and want to see this situation resolved well for you and your son.
Please take care and find ways to have some fun too. That may sound odd but you need to be able to laugh even in the worst situations just to keep some balance.
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