[thack]

('.') Put 'em up! ('.')

CW- Yeah, I feel her trying to do anything to "control" this. She keeps accusing me of being controlling, kinda like how I was the one cheating too... O.o

I have been on the phone with my babysitter for almost 1.5 hours, she is really upset about the way the X is being in this whole situation and even realized what I did, she said "that is not the same woman that has been dropping off your son for the past year, she changed a TON once you left for Iraq"

And she - even with how my X was feeding her the propaganda, just begged her for our son's sake to back off, calm down, and just re-connect with me. She said she has never believed her statements about me because of the way she delivered them. She said: "even before you started calling me, she was telling me all sorts of stuff and it just didn't seem right, something was amiss, she was blaming you for this, and that, and me and the other babysitter called her out on several things, because we had experienced those ourselves, and once we stopped just agree'ing with her, she stopped talking to us. Flat out."

WildChild- Yes I have emailed my lawyer today about that exact situation. I said to him, I will not have any issues with her taking him to his grandparents for Christmas, BUT, I get next Christmas! and then our alternating starts (I hate typing that, no matter this situation, I HATE THAT I EVEN HAVE TO TYPE THAT IN REGARDS TO MY SON!)

In-Need- indeed man, Tryin to keep my head in the right direction, I have to stop "searching" for answers to my marriage, there is NOTHING that I am going to find out now except for propaganda! She is lying about everything and changing her story every time I have spoken with her about it. IF I keep lookin for stuff that I dont necessarily want the answers to, its just going to put me through something that I dont need to go through anyway.

And yup, I am into music :P good song for the situation, for this website really.


Never thought I'd be in this situation in my life, no more depression, more of just worry for my son's well being, but I cant do anything to protect him at all so some feelings of helplessness here and there.

All I can say is Karma is a Bitc*. I have done nothing dishonorable, or unlawful, or just plain immoral.. I can look in the mirror and say to myself "you are a good man" and I know it, I dont have to "lie" to myself. I asked her that on sunday if she could do that and she had NO answer for that at all. hmmm Go figure...

I forsee her crashing hard sometime in the next year the way she's just burning every bridge and severing any ties other than her messed up cliq of girls she hangs out with, if she comes to me, I dont know what I will say, but I know what I wont say "i forgive you, move back home" I will take that challenge when it comes.

I have heard of the first year after a child is born is the hardest year of a marriage, hands down. And I would agree, and she did not want to figure out how to cope with the new found challenge. She did not want to be a good woman, she has no desire to even remotely even imulate a good woman period. She has shown me that, she is not healthy for me to be with. Flat out, bottom line, no lie!

Anger is about the only thing running through my veins right now, ASIDE from concern for my son.

-that and im a little sleepy, its 248 am

gonna go lay down and sleep. Gotta go up to Baghdad tomorrow, dont know when I can post again! But I look forward to readin it up!

:P

[thack]

Well as an update,

She is pushing for me not to be able to talk to my son until I get home, she moved out and is refusing to give up the house keys to my friend who is more than willing to take care of the house while I am gone and since she's no longer there, AND she's pushing for a "child investigator" so that makes me think she's trying to push for sole custody.

I informed my lawyer that the above is unacceptable and I will not allow it.

She still accuses me of everything being my fault, that I am the only one to blame for any of this, and that she's been the only one that suffered at any points during our marriage.

When I replied to that (about 2 weeks ago) listing all the things that she had done to me in just the past 4 years, totally honest observations and how I felt at times (because its not been a straight up miserable 4 years as I have mentioned many times- which I do not believe that she's been miserable 365x4 years.. because she has been up and down just like I have) and even with all the honest statements I had made, she replied all in capitol letters "I dont have time for your childish behavior" and that was it.

Now, I do not feel that I was being childish, I was being honest, and the only time she accuses me of being childish is when (ever) I would call her out on something that she could not deny, I.E. - her having a boyfriend and legitimately cheating on me for months, possibly longer(bank statements support the theory of her cheating on me starting in April while I was in England- 3 times the "going out" expense while she was the only one in the house, and I was not there at all, nor spending anything out of the bank account- at least that's how it appears, she started that and accusing me of cheating at the same time (guilty conscience?))

So, I am just hanging out, I can't really do anything hands on from here, I just tell my lawyer what I want, which is not much, I want to give her the lowest amount of money per month that I can, I want a good amount of time wth my son when I am stateside, and I just want my truck / ATV to be in the garage like they were when I left. Other than that, I don't care, IF she took some personal items of mine, I will find out when I get home and I will take the steps needed from there.

As far as my mindset, a lot of anger and frustration, combined with the still strong feeling of disappointment in her, the only thing that really peaving me off right now is that I still have her show up in my dreams from time to time, and they vary from just a normal day, or a very intimate time between the 2 of us, to her realizing what she had in her life and wanting back in after her relationship based on adultery failed (go figure).

I have been praying for those to stop, and they are lower in frequency, thankfully, I don't find myself wandering around out here in the desert feeling empty any more, more optimistic that I can find someone who will actually appreciate what I do for her, show me true affection, and actually be open with me on her thoughts / fears / emotions.

I know there are many women out there, and I don't believe that there is only 1 person for every 1 person, I feel there are demographics that we are in tune with, and I did not find that in this relationship, so I can just give it another shot after I go get some more life experiences under my belt.

My mind set right now is this:

"I am an army Green Beret, I am the top 1% of the military over all, I have and can accomplish anything I put my mind to, hence why I work here. I am a good, honorable, and loyal man. I am a good friend and worthy of having a partner who understands me and can show me the respect / affection / emotion that I feel I deserve, and that I can show it back to that special person as well"

Just thought I'd toss my thoughts out today.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

"I am an army Green Beret, I am the top 1% of the military over all, I have and can accomplish anything I put my mind to, hence why I work here. I am a good, honorable, and loyal man. I am a good friend and worthy of having a partner who understands me and can show me the respect / affection / emotion that I feel I deserve, and that I can show it back to that special person as well"

You know I am a great believer of affirmations!!!!!! Keep telling yourself that.

You know Thack, nowhere that I can recall ,have you mentioned "your family" are they supporting you? Are they there for you? Sorry, to ask, it's not curiousity more so wondering if it is only "friends" that are trying to "break down that door" hey.

But, also, is the house under both names or just yours?

Either way, I was thinking, if the house is vacant and your family have the same surname, get them to call a locksmith and show an account in your name, with their drivers license if need be and "HAVE THE LOCKS CHANGED", then your family can go in and keep the place neat what ever, when ever they want and she can't.. It's not like she is living there and it's YOUR JOINT HOUSE, so she can't make all the decisions, I can't believe that your Lawyer is not giving you other advice, other than there is nothing much you can do?

Too right there is... I am a "where there is a will there is a way girl"... And, I am also a "never give up, find it"...

Have a think about that, it's not "*** for tat", it's your house as well and your right to make sure that no one breaks in, etc.

CW

[thack]

Family

Yeah, the family is helping with what they can, almost all of them are out of the state, so its very difficult for them to do much more than just be there in the same aspect as all of you have been.

Its helpful to have outsider's opinions and input, but I am still afraid of me losing my son.

I have other friends who have been divorced in this state, and once their X wives put in this request, not only did it tack on another few thousand in expenses with the whole divorce, but it ended up in them losing their children, and visitation after that consisted of a 2 week prior written notice, and visits could not exceed a 5 day period (even during the summer).

That is NOT what I want, I do not want her random boyfriends raising my son, I brought him into this world in love and happiness. Its not my fault if she is having a breakdown and wants to do nothing but try and make me pay for her guilt. My lawyer says he is going to try and see what the deal is on Monday since he could not get a hold of her lawyer on Friday.

I am very nervous of this new development, she is still projecting all of her guilt onto me, and now she is trying to make me pay for it for the rest of my life, I will never forgive her if she takes my little one from me. I did not bring him into the world on some "whim", I was ready to be a father, and wanted a son in my life to go along with the woman I loved.

I do have someone who lives close to me with my last name, and as soon as all the keys are turned in, I will have him change the locks for me as well as change the code to the security system / garage door remote.

She is proving to be more and more spiteful as time progresses, and I will never understand how a woman can do this to someone. (I know its not all of you) But I know so many guys in my profession that don't get to have their children in their lives the way they wanted them to, and it has caused those men to be very bitter and not be able to really truly connect with another woman, they may be married again but their attitude is "she can leave when she wants, who cares".

I do not want that. I wanted the stability / companionship of a true marriage, and a family.

Her issues are now ruining that dream for me, because no matter what, I have this in my head and will until the day I die.

Very upsetting.

[TWills32]

Don't let her actions influence your view on relationships and women. I know it might be easier said then done. Before I met my husband, I had horrible relationships. For a while, I had the attitude that I'd just always attract these horrible men, and never find one that would complete me. I turned those thoughts around, but not with ease. It took a lot of positive self-talk and help from friends and family. Then when I met my husband, our relationship was a dream come true. Keep a positive attitude about yourself and those around you, and you will attract positive people.

It's very refreshing to hear a father want to fight so much for their child. I have a best friend with a wonderful son, and her son's father wants nothing to do with him But when I worked with abused/neglected children, I saw many court cases, particularly custody cases. With a good lawyer, you'll be absolutely fine. Don't settle for anything less then what you want. If you want custody, then fight tooth and nail for it. Don't let what happened with your friends get to you.

Leave her issues with her. Not to sound harsh, but her issues are her concern now. She refused your help and love, there is not much else you could have done for her. Don't dwell on her any longer, think about how happy you'll be with your future mate and your son Keep positive, tell yourself that you deserve happiness, and you will get it.

[thack]

Twills, that makes a lot of sense, I DO want a good life with my son (as much as being an active duty service member can allow me to).

I will never have him in my life the way I had always dreamed of having him, unless her boyfriend tells her he doesn't want the lil' guy around (which I could not understand that at all, he is a wonderful little guy, not 1 person has anything bad to say in regards to him, and that makes me feel good, I am party responsible) But I want to make my time with him mean something to the both of us, hopefully (like I was with my step-father) he will appreciate everything that I will do for him in the coming years and for the rest of his life.

I did not "meet" my biological father but 1 time growing up and it was for a custody battle, I did not see him but a few times when I was 4 years old (same 1 event I am speaking of) and I found him on my own when I turned 18, now I may not call him "dad" because that is who my step-dad is, but I do have a very good relationship with him, and its growing and growing (especially now, since he has gone through the EXACT same thing I am in the middle of right now- just not military) so we have a lot to talk about.

I am doing my best NOT to try and blame all of you women for the infidelity / insecurities / and all the other bad things that I have experienced with my X. I will admit, its hard, but it wont be as hard once I am actually state side and I can get out and about and go meet new people. (kinda limited here in ____, lol)

I see a couple other guys I know that have been through messed up divorces and how they are very happy now. How the women they are with actually give a $h1t about them, how they appreciate everything that they do for their wives and they show it back to them. It makes me jealous almost, appreciation, what a concept.

You will have to forgive me, I am running on just about 1.5 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period, and I have a severe headache ON TOP of some mild food poisoning

I do see what you are saying, its hard to just cut her out of my mind even as angry and hurt as she has made me in the past months / years even, I find myself actually missing her (rarely, but it happens) which angers me a little. I dont want to, I would prefer not to even talk to her, I want to pick my son up from his daycare on the afternoon I get him for my time, and drop him off when its done for his morning daycare. I do not want to see her.

She sent me some halloween pics of him, his costume was completely effortless, and she ruined the pics by being in all 3 she sent me, she's got the cheesy fake smile trying to probably make me see how "happy" she is now, I dont know (that was suggested by someone, not thought of by me) but it wouldnt surprise me if she was trying to do that.

Anyway, I dont want this to get supremely long, I do that enough :P

Trying to stay positive, I deserve a good woman, a woman that enjoys what I do for her, a woman who can share her innermost feelings / thoughts with me, and let me do the same to her without thinking (somehow) its some admission of guilt.. never understood how "openess" could be misconstrued as that...

-Ty

[thack]

interesting development

So, I have been on the fence about posting this, but I figure I haven't held anything back yet, so why stop now.


Friday, right before the normal time that the X would get off work she felt compelled to email me. After 1 month without any contact at all, and almost 2 months with no phone contact, she broke her own "we don't need to talk" demand. She felt the need to email me and tell me how good life was for her and how well her and my son are doing with out me.

at the end of the email she acted as if she wants to be nice, she said she didn't want to fight over stuff (that's cause she has all the furniture, my son, and $1000 a month (for now))

and put this phrase : "I hope someday you can find someone who can make you happy too"

she did something like this to our old babysitter as well, she told her how well my son is doing at the new babysitters, and she knows how close our son / us were with her, it broke the woman's heart, she felt as if the X was trying to make her feel insignificant by doing that.

on Halloween night, she brought my son by the old babysitters house, the babysitter offered to watch my son and the X said "Oh I am not going out tonight so no need" and about the time she was ready to go, she made the comment "well we have to go so I can get myself ready" - totally slipped up and proved her own lie to be wrong.

my son's costume was completely lacking in any effort on her part, I was saddened by seeing this. No where near what the things we had been talking about doing for him this Halloween, really bummed me out.

The X was however nice enough to send me 3 pictures of him from that night, but she made sure they had "her" in the picture, with a stupid cheesy grin on her face, or an over exaggerated smile showing how "ecstatic" she is (according to her myspace page status, she's ecstatic)

so, whatever, I am not budging on any of the financial stuff, she maxxed out her credit card, bought a new car, and had 1 more loan out for her eye surgery, those are all in her name and her name alone, so I will not accept any of those debts in the divorce, I took what is associated with me in any way, and willingly. (including the house, which right now isnt so much a good thing) So, I am still within my morals and will not have any guilt.

just surprises me how someone can either be so clueless to the emotions or feelings of others or so spiteful and projecting their issues onto other people that its just unreal.
(now you see how I said she was being spiteful)

What is odd, all the guys that know me, and have for a while, keep telling me that she was not half as good looking of a woman as the ones I dated in the past. That they always felt like I sold myself short, now, I dont judge a woman directly by her looks - there has to be some sort of attraction to have talked to her I admit, but she use to be a really cool woman, and it just slipped away. Now I dont know who this is.

She is feeding off of all her divorced / single friends who have no clue what its like to be cheated on, all cheering her on for landing the 150lb weakling in the office. It is going to be hard to not smash his face in when I get home, but I promised myself I would not, my revenge will be living better, and having a happier fuller life with someone who is actually genuine, as well as taking my time. Not rushing into the rebound relationship (I dont know if her's counts as a rebound since it was started in infidelity)


O and a funny little snippet -

Friday night I had a dream that I was at their wedding (yeah, tell me about it) and someone handed me the mic and said "make a toast to the happy newlyweds" so I said "sure" stood there for a sec and said "well, here's to making the best out of infidelity" dropped the mic on the table and walked out. - end dream.

kinda made me smile a little.

Well, what you think ?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She "thinks" she is in love is what I see...

She "thinks" that the time you spent on that computer makes it ok to move on in life,

She "thinks" that she is now living in a better world

But: She doesn't understand that it may be very short lived and people will have to pick up the pieces when she falls. If she cheated on you, then he / this guy will cheat on her, or she will not be happy with him later, and cheat again.

He will NOT trust her later, once the lust has subsided, he can't, it can't be done... It stays in the back of your head.

You don't have to pulverise him haha, he will do that himself somewhere down the track and she will lose.

Meanwhile, you will find.

Guess the winner at the end of this all will be you.

As for sending you that email, the babysitter, she genuinely in my opinion Thack, and i know it's not how you think, but I think she genuinely lost those loving feelings over that time, tried to get it back didn't..

Regardless, the "real" person has emerged, the evil little witch of the west, whom only wants to hurt..

I don't believe you do that. As, you know I wasn't happy in my marriage the last 5 years but I don't diss him to his friends, or mine, I just say, he's a batchelor, simple, and leave it at that.

I expressed here, off course... But, no point putting someone down, it comes back and bites you anyway.

I don't know how you are going to subside on the hurt, but I do have full faith in you and that you will bounce back and be happy in life.. You really have your head screwed on the right way.

And, you did do all the things right to save, salvage things, what I am sure about is that what I said above was "her thoughts", what she did to make you hide away next to a computer, is why it happened. So, there is no blame. What she is doing now is silly and she will fall, one day from the pedistal unfortunately.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Actually I will add...

Seems to me, after writing what I did on Joys, seeing your reply that i missed an important part.

You are a deep person, with morals...

The word shallow again comes to mind pertaining to her.

And, so.... you two also are mix-matched... your ideal woman needs also to be passionate about life, and deep in soul, real...

CW

[thack]

Well she emailed me again, in her rush to separate every single part of our lives she put my son in more risk / turmoil than needed.

the babysitter she put him in lied to her - she was not licensed. she had more kids than she let on, and she neglected my son - she did not change him Tuesday and he had blisters on his butt.. this all because she would not listen to people who cared for both of us and was pushing everyone away so badly that our son suffered.

Really upsets me. But he is back with the old babysitter, which is awesome for me, I know and trust that woman. As well I get to call him twice a week again, instead of the one time in the past 3 weeks that I spoke to him with the other lady.

She tried to make it sound like the Thanksgiving day card I sent to my son, and only him, was to her as well, she made some "thank you's" about it, but it was not for her, I cannot be "friends" yet. I know it has to come some day for my son's sake, but not yet. I cannot even look at her as a civilized person right now.

No matter your feelings, IF you did care for someone at some point in your marriage, doing what she did is not how you treat them. You do not blame them for every single thing you are guilty for, belligerently insult them and try to make them feel worthless, on top of lying about things, actions, reasons, and all the other nasty things she did in this.

IF she wanted another relationship with someone, she should have had respect for me as her husband and friend of 8 years (total) enough to be civilized. I did not ever threaten her, or make her to feel worthless. Which is exactly what she did to me. She should have waited, then I would have worked with her even more than I all ready have. I have been more than civil throughout this even given the circumstances. I gave more than most people thought I should have. But that is because I - A. do not want the things she desecrated and B. did not want my son to suffer from this.

I wanted this to go smoothly, but instead she self destructed and tried to destroy me emotionally.

So, I know forgiveness is a key ingredient here, but its not something I am capable of right now.

IF she did in fact just "lose the love" she sure as did not ever seem to show any effort of trying to put it back together. I am not saying maybe in her head she felt like she was trying, but when I have asked her (while we were together and initially splitting) what it was she did to try and help our marriage, she just said that she stayed, that was the only thing she could think of as an actual action to trying to help save our marriage.

To be as "unhappy" as she claimed to be (in her highest level of blaming) and to buy a house, have a baby, and even talk of being a stay at home mom (just months ago) "quitting" her career, AND EVEN we had talks of having our 2nd child next year, is just not something someone would do if they were that "unhappy" in my eyes.

I am not insanely upset or anything, just getting some thoughts out here.

She seems to want me to be happy for her, but how, when the guy she is with, she started dating / seeing / sleeping with was while WE were married...
that is morally, legally, and just humanly wrong in every aspect.

I am continuing my silence, I will not respond to her emails because all I will have to say is smart *** comments or more truth for her to chew on that will make her tell me "I don't have time for your childish bull $h1t" (that's all she ever says when I pointed out a blatant truth, and an actual and logical issue with her recent and continuing actions)

I don't know, I am done trying to answer questions or figure out what is wrong with ~this~ woman. Yes, we lost our love somewhere, but she's not the only person who felt any pain or hurt from it, and its not like it was the only time I felt pain caused by her when she decided that she was done.

I read a lot of posts here with women that get angry when their husbands / boyfriends get upset and emotional when they try to leave them (not the posts where the guy instantly starts accusing or trying to talk down to / insult the woman) but more like the ones where someone is in a weird place in a relationship and the girl decides she is done and the guy finally expresses emotion. Its hard for us to express such things sometimes, because we can feel the tension, we can. We do not understand the situation more often then not and we want to connect with you, but most of the time what a man needs to feel connected is often withheld from him because of that "lack of connection" on the other end. BOTH people want desperately to connect but cant figure out how to do it, if its not an unsafe environment, bridges can be rebuilt, love can be re-kindled, but it takes full on and actual effort from both sides. IF both sides are not willing to put out the effort then I don't know what to say, but do NOT get upset with the "receiving" party gets upset because someone wants to leave. Guys feel the pain too, we want nothing (at least me) more than to feel connected, complete, and as a provider / protector to the relationship. When we lose that respect, we lose our drive, we don't know what to do and when that happens we slip into a weird place and end up hurting.

So, just anyone who is thinking about this or posted about this situation, keep in mind, just because you are not happy, does not mean he's oblivious to it, chances are he's afraid to bring it up and open up to you because he himself is afraid to get hurt. Fear of failure! Because when we get that sudden situation dropped on us, that is the first thing in our mind, "I failed" whether its something we did or not.

I don't know, I do not speak for 100% of men, but I am speaking for myself and I am venting a little. I will never understand how someone can just "shut" someone out without a twitch. I don't know how many stories similar to mine that ended up with the woman asking to come back into the man's life later on down the road when they realize what they had, and its just a simple, don't give up until both parties agree that there is absolutely nothing re-kindling or something, I don't know. Situations dictate I am sure.

(had a couple drinks, in my room, 5am, just got a lot swimming around in there right now, need to get it out.)

So the perpetual question that NO ONE can answer, because NO ONE knows:

"when is enough actually enough"

Sometimes I think that if the person doing the pushing would have put as much effort into their actual relationship as they put into lashing out, pushing, or bottling up... more marriages / relationships would work out without that un-needed divorce and total grieving process and then the realization process...

who knows, all I can say is, make sure you know exactly what you are doing. (being on the receiving end of a cheating spouse, I know what betrayal feels like, and initially coping with the blame throwing, and finger pointing is devastating to say the least.

ok, deep breath, lol...
-end