[mrwrong]

First, this is definitely not a troll post. I am a real person and believe I have represented myself and my wife accurately.

Allie,
I don't believe everything everyone tells me. I don't believe I am a "sex addict", I don't believe I am abnormal. Like I said before, I spent enough time in my early years feeling guilty for masturbating and looking at porn (raised in church). I do believe however, since my wife through whatever experiences and education/brainwashing views porn with such indignant hatred, that it is detrimental for myself and my family to continue to use it in the marriage. Also, I believe my wife has some self-image issues which the porn-use exacerbates, so that is another good reason to quit. Considering these points, I believe in my case it was a grave mistake to use it post-marriage. So for those reasons and since that is what she requested of me when asked, I will quit.

The counselor did not say masturbation was wrong or that I should not do it. The counseling center is a christian practice and I'm sure his views are mostly mainstream christian. He is a "Licensed Psychologist" and NCC, but there is no MFT or LCSW in his title (just Ph.D.). To expound on the definition of "SA" he gave, basically it was something like: use it regularly, use it to cope with stress/depression, pledged to quit and failed, use it despite the adverse consequences, etc.... That was it more or less, and I at one time or another have fit that description (though more with just masturbation without porn). So he thinks I'm an SA, good for him.

It is possible for someone to put effort into their appearance without wanting sex.

That is way more true than I ever knew a few years ago.. Best example I know of this is my mother-in-law.. She makes decent money but has no retirement because she spends sooo much money on clothes, expensive makeup, etc.. I know she'd spend money on plastic surgery if she could afford it. But, she hasn't dated in like 20 years! She's had people interested in her and she blows them off or simply doesn't respond to calls. Maybe she's secretly interested in sex, but I doubt it.

Status update:
It's been like 10 days since I've masturbated or looked at porn.. Was definitely starting to get difficult and uncomfortable.. Worst part is sleeping and waking up in the morning and having had an erection on and off all night and waking up with one, all the while lying next to your wife in bed who is sleeping like a log.. (sorry if that is TMI) But, we had sex Friday night and she enjoyed it and things have been going relatively well since then so all hope is not lost. She still won't let me see her naked which is a big slap in the face, but for these three months I'll not argue about that, especially if we're having sex occasionally.. We went to see the counselor this morning and we didn't have a babysitter so I was going to watch the kids the first half then we'd switch but she ended up talking to him for the full session. I have yet to find out what was discussed..

[rcoreyus]

I'm sorry for thinking it was a troll because it was so far off base. If this is real, then I think you are in a really bad situation. I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone not to masturbate if they are not willing to have sex with them. Porn is debatable and I don't want to re-start that discussion for the Nth time. Otherwise it is your body - if she isn't willing to take care of your needs, then she has no right to tell you not to take care of your self.

Please people, imagine the genders reversed. Imagine a man telling his wife that he won't have sex with her but she is not "allowed" to masturbate.

[mrwrong]

The thing is that she's always been clear about her views towards porn, so it's not like she suddenly changed after marriage. If she was sexual before the children and she's not anymore it can be explained due to stress.

The thing is, I've always been clear about wanting sex. We didn't have sex before marriage (even during engagement period), we didn't have much sex after we were married (despite what she led me to believe before we were married), we had children very early and now she's nearly always got something better to do. Porn came into the picture way after I had already felt used and abandoned. I'm sure I've not been a model husband with infinite patience, but I have yet to experience a "secure" feeling that lasts more than a few days that my wife truly loves me and has an interest in me beyond what I provide. I think had we dated (and not abstained) for a few years or not had kids for a few years after getting married and during that time had both been true to our words we would have not failed so miserably so quickly. I'm perfectly willing to take 50% of "the blame", but I want to quit blaming and start repairing and therein lies the problem.

[WildChild]

Humm, I had a couple responses that seem to have vanished.
Many women are very overtly sexual without being sensual or orgasmic. It is more like marketing than anything else. I think it reflects a deep insecurity.

I absolutely agree that finding solutions is more important than placing blame.

[stressed]

There seems to be progress and she talks a lot with the counselor (whom even though I don't fully trust by what I've read, he's not 100% bad at his job, considering the progress).

Give it a couple of months to see if she makes equal effort and try not to look back to what she hasn't been doing for you all this time. Approach it like a temporary phase where changes need to be made and hard work from both of you.

You had sex and things seem to improve. It is still too soon to expect her to change drastically (i.e. the clothes) but you can get there in time. Relationships are hard work and sex life can be horrible for a very long time for every couple. But like you said, it's about repairing and not blaming.

If you really want to stay with her, try not to look back at the way things happened. Had you known each other better before marriage you could have avoided many issues, but now you are making a new start. It takes time but it can be solved as long as you both work equally.

rc: Of course it's terrible to ask such a thing given the circumstances whether it's a man or a woman, but porn, church, children, insecurities, age difference, and other issues within such a short time can make both partners go crazy. In such cases there's either the path of "doing what's reasonable and leaving" or "staying, no matter how unreasonable it seems to be, and try to fix it".

I just wish the counselor was not related to the church.

[SaharaJim]

Been following this an ....sorry...my advice is still the same.

[mrwrong]

I just wish the counselor was not related to the church.

Amen to that. (pun intended)

[Olympia]

As rcoreyus stated..

Please people, imagine the genders reversed. Imagine a man telling his wife that he won't have sex with her but she is not "allowed" to masturbate.

And it has to some here, myself included.!!!!

But, as was stated by, mrwrong,..[QUOTE]I want to quit blaming and start repairing and therein lies the problem[/QUOTE]

Both need to accept, forgive, and move-on.. Carrying this around all the time has made it what it is, and it will continue until, one decides to STOP..the cycle. Communication, and being an attentive listener. Give and take, and a whole lot of patience... (which i am sure you are aware and have experienced, already)..

[WickedScorpio33]

I am 33.been with husband for 15 yrs,married only 3 of those,we have 8 children.youngest just turned 1 years old,oldest almost 16. I was pregnant almost these past 4 years. we have a 5,4,2,and a 1 year old.the last 4 kids age.But i can testify that it certainly puts a gaping whole in my self esteem. But with the loving words of my husband,and his constant compliments,it passed. Porn is what you make it.If you put it first in your sex life,then someone has to come second.But if you bring her into the situation,and you guys participate together in it,and reassure her that it's her that you find arousing.I don't see the problem at all.Now I won't allow my husband to watch or look at that stuff alone( I feel left out,or that he's hiding it), But together with the one you care for,It might spark things up. try soft porn first. We make love around once a week,and if left alone for the night,for sure. So maybe twice a week.some quickies,some not. but either way,it is what it is.

[Allie602]

mr wrong (nee Mr. Right) sorry I thought you were a troll. I am glad things are working better. I do have to say that I don't think his definition of sexual addiction is correct or that it applies to you. Sounds like a bad habit and I don't agree with the no masturbation thing it's against nature. I think it's a private thing. Also, you own your own body, and every one should have privacy. I pick my nose in private, my partner may find it unsettling especially when I pull out a big buger (TMI) but it's no ones business but mine But what do I know. I think you response to porn viewing is spot on - its adversely effecting your marriage and your wife.
I wish you could forgive yourself for past behavior early in your marriage, why not chalk it up to youthful ignorance and hormonal fogginess. I'll bet you forgave your children for things they did when they didn't have the maturity they have now - you have the capacity to do it. Do it for you, your wife and kids.