[SaharaJim]

Dear Lord almighty......ok.....from a man posting on a WOMANS' FORUM to another man also posting on a WOMANS' FORUM. Show some self-respect and divorce her.
Nothing you do seems to be satisfactory to her AND it is making you miserable. This isn't makeing a "good life" for you ....for her...or for any children. Counseling is wonderful if both parties WANT the marriage to work. NOTHING that you say convinces me that she wants this to work. Prepare for a six month to 1 year period of "unpleasantness". BUT at the end you will be out of a relationship that has NO CHANCE of working....it will not get better with time, short of DEVINE intervention she will not mysteriously wake up tomarrow to say "DEAR , I'VE BEEN HORRIBLE TO YOU . CAN WE WORK ON FIXING THIS? People can only walk on you if you lay down for it.

[rcoreyus]

Without children it might be easy to leave - but they complicate the situation a lot. If he loves her it complicates it even more.

[Ashlee T.]

BUT at the end you will be out of a relationship that has NO CHANCE of working

Sorry, but I find this to be a bit of a one sided response. We're all entitled to our opinions and perceptions I understand. However, the OP tells his story, and pretty much consistently in his posts leaves out any regard for her feelings as his wife, friend, human being, etc. In other words, we're hearing a VERY one sided story.

Is it unreasonable that he wants sex? Of course not. But imagine this woman, who has her first child, hormones change, body changes, LIFE changes and suddenly finds herself with no sex drive. Believe it or not, when us women lose our sex drives....it bothers us too. * But then imagine her, with new baby, going through a difficult time with her sex drive, and having her husband ramming his fists through their walls and threatening suicide because he's not getting sex.* And then his solution to this is to pleasure himself while looking at porn. But for his wife, this isn't a solution at all, because he's still wanting to begrudge her of anything she enjoys, he's still viewing her as "staying at home" and not working while he's bringing home the bacon, he still views her with lack of compassion. (Sorry OP but that's just how I see it). And ALL because he's not getting sex from her. So is the porn solving the problem? No it's not.

Whatever happened to understanding that relationships will have their seasons? I find it far too common that men marry and think that nothing should ever change. Then children come along and a womans life changes 100%, but the husband expects her not to change at all. And when she does, resentment is harbored.

I don't know her....she could be an evil winch. But I know that if this were me, I'd be longing for a partner that was understanding, compassionate, and patient.....knowing that spending 24 hours a day mothering a 2 yr old and a 7mth old is exhausting...and understanding that I might not be the sex goddess I was beforehand for a while. On the other hand, if what I had was a husband who couldn't handle that things had changed, who couldn't understand and be compassionate, who couldn't sacrifice some of his own needs (as she's sacrificing hers EVERY day taking care of babies) for the sake of his family, who's threatening suicide and exhibiting violence because he's not getting sex.......... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want sex with him either.

You either love someone or you don't. You don't ONLY love them when you're getting everything you want out of the relationship. And if lack of sex in a marriage between two people who have two very young children is cause for divorce..... I'd venture to guess most marriages wouldn't survive children.

[Hopeless Dork]

I am a woman that has had a problem with my boyfriend watching porn because I felt like it was taking away from the energy he could be spending on US and OUR intimacy... being that I'm very sexual and always up to pleasing him, always.

When a guy is choosing masturbation/porn instead of intimacy with a willing partner.. I think asking him to not look at porn for a while is pretty reasonable.

I think when a guy is choosing to masturbate/porn because their wife/girlfriend refuses to have sex with them, refuses any sort of intimacy and gives them the cold shoulder sexually... that should be 1. Expected and 2. Understood.

Porn and/or masturbation are no replacement for intimacy and fullfillment sex with a loving partner provides. Not to mention the feelings of closeness, and worth of being that warm up your insides when you feel desired and wanted by your partner. Having a partner that won't meet your needs or even attempt to is leaving you no other choices except for masturbation and/or porn... or cheating, or killing off your own natural drive? Really... I just don't understand the thought process that goes behind a woman that expects her man to be faithful, while refusing him sex, and degrading him for trying to find an outlet that keeps him sane.

You are in a terribly difficult situation, my advice to you is to continue on doing whatever brings you relief and comfort, your own sanity is the most important thing for you and your family. If you want to make things work with your wife, despite her selfish behaviors.. your best bet is to keep the porn underwraps and handle all of that in the most respectful way possible.

If you had started with the porn when you guys had a good sex life and she became turned off sex with you because of that... then that would be a whole different story. Because I've known women that were very sexual and into pleasing their partner and just gave up when they felt like they were interchangable with pixels on a monitor from the internet... and if that was the case your best bet would be leaving that stuff alone and showing her that its her that satisfies you.

But if that isn't the case and you only turned inwardly after she shut you out, then she really has no cause to complain in my opinion. You can't just expect your partner to magically lose their very essence of being (sexuality) because you have. Its unfair, and unrealistic.

[SaharaJim]

I absolutely agree my opinion is "one-sided". I prefaced it with a man posting on a WOMAN'S FORUM. But when I read that he is IN COUNSELING and her response is I would rather use that money for a larger house.....I read that to means she doesn't see a problem or could care less what the problem is. IMHO that relationship is doomed. Is it complicated by children--absolutely. Do you really think you are making life good for the children by staying in this relationship? IMHO do yourself and the children a big favor...admit this relationship is NOT working. You can NOT make it work if she doesn't even see a problem.

[jns]

mrwrong, it almost sounds like you are a drone bee, and you've already done your job at mating.

[bleu]

mrwrong, to come at this from a different angle, I'm curious about you wife's Christian views. The Bible describes wife and husband as having authority over each others' bodies. They have a duty toward each other to help satisfy each others needs. This is 1 Corinthians 7:4. If she would like to have a Christian marriage, this is important, as is mutual love and respect towards each other. I understand that a lot of people don't "live" out their Christian beliefs, but maybe this could help her see it from a perspective that is important in her life.

[mrwrong]

Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts and advice. We had a counseling session this morning and pretty much the counselor established that I have a "sexual addiction" which I asked him to define because I know I've read that "sexual addiction" is not in the DSM-IV, and IMO intimacy and sex with one's spouse are more comparable to eating and sleeping (being natural instincts/needs) than to alcohol or cocaine (being substances). Regardless, it is obvious that I need to quit the use of porn for the sake of my family. I feel like the counselor said a lot of things that were true but also pretty much gave my wife a pass on all of my misgivings with how she has neglected me in the relationship. I take every word he said seriously but don't really look forward to ever going back.

Yesterday morning I asked my wife to figure out exactly what she wants from me and she said to give her a day to think about it. So, after the session I asked my wife what she concluded and clarified that I want to know what exactly, if anything, I can do to prove to her that I'm not the sick, detestable thing she treats me as since until I've succeeded in convincing her of that, there is no hope. She said "no masturbating or porn for 3 months". (she's never asked me not to masturbate before..) I agreed and told her that if I am clean after 3 months and she still is not willing to treat and respect me as her husband then I am out. She wants further clarification on that.. I believe I've made it clear before and should be a given by now but I guess I'll have to work on spelling that out exactly so there are no opportunities for misunderstanding after the three month period. I believe it is a fair proposition for both of us and intend to keep my part even if it kills me, but it sounds all too familiar to "pacts" that we've both made before and both failed to keep before and I don't sense any change of heart from her yet, especially after her being vindicated by the counselor who come to find out personally leads an "SA" (sexaholics anonymous) group and oversees 5 others.

Well, here's to 3 long months of complete abstinence..

[Ashlee T.]

*sigh*

Although I don't necessarily agree with you on all areas regarding this topic......I do feel for you and know this is a crapola situation to be in......for you both really. I've been on the "not wanting to have sex" end of things, and that end of things pretty much stinks too.

I hope this works out for you and that you can prove to your wife that she's more than just sex to you....because I'm afraid that's what she's feeling. Either way...bad situation....and I hope it works out for both of you and your children.

[SaharaJim]

Best of luck. I also hope thigs work out for both of you.