[rcoreyus]

Fleur: Thank you for joining, good post. I'm going to agree with some of what you said, and disagree with other parts.

I agree that occasional porn use is OK, but that substituting porn for intimacy with your SO, or spending large amounts of time on it are bad. I think your agreement of giving your spouse a sort of "right of first refusal" is a great idea. If someone has been turned down for sex, or their SO is not avialable, its OK for them to relieve themselves with porn, but that should always be the second choice.

I'm afraid though that I think spying is always bad. If you can't trust someone, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. It doesn't matter whether they are trustworthy or not - it is the lack of trust that matters to me. OTOH, if you are really nosy, and honestly won't judge them on anything you have found, I have a lot less objections.

I don't agree with you on the content of the porn. First though I think you do have a right to insist on nothing illegal. (I don't know the legality of the types of porn you mention in you post in your area). I think porn is fantasy, completely unrelated to reality. There have been posts here about straight women watching lesbian porn, some straight men like occasional gay porn, people like all sorts of things in fantasy that they would never ever do in real life. So my feeling is that as long as it is legal, I wouldn't judge someone by whatever porn they watch, anymore than I would judge them by whatever they fantasize about. People are turned on by different things for different reasons, I don't want to be judged on my fantasies.

I think the poorly paid teenagers in porn is less common. There are a lot of exhibitionists out there who make porn for free.

What you can do: My guess is that he is not going to give up watching porn, and he enjoys watching the type of porn that many people would find very offensive. I think you need to decide if you can live with someone with that behavior and those interests, and not judge them negatively for it. If you don't find this type of thing acceptable (and most people would not), then I think you should leave so that each of you can find someone better matched. I don't see any point staying in a relationship where either partner is unhappy.

[WildChild]

Elle and Fleur, check out the informational site; Your Brain On Porn. It explains why the escalation. Watch porn causes the release of certain chemicals in the brain, maintaining the feelings they get requires upping the ante. Going off it causes an actual physical withdrawal similar to what heroin users experience. The site also explains why common attempts by women to compete or take the if you can't beat them join them route, fail.
Get yourself educated on what this level of porn use does to the brain and body. Then you will be in a better position to decide what you want to do.

[Fleur]

Thank-you both for your replies - we are heading out of town for a couple of days so I don't have time to respond at length but I will when I return on Tuesday.

[Firecat]

Hello I'm a 28 with 5 young children, Been Married Nearly 3 years. been with my Husband for 8 years.

I fell in love with my husband 8 years ago, he treated me like a lady even waited 3 weeks before we had sexual inter-cause. being bought my very first rose. it was so romantic.

I was honest and open at the start off our relationship and put my views clear that I don't like porn. He seemed so understanding an told me " why would I have to look I have just what I need right here" He made me feel good in myself.
I had Caught him several times Before we Married, Yes it hurt really hurt cos he always Done it when I wasn't around.

I spoken to him, told him how it made me feel ect . Again he was understanding every time saying its Just a Hand shank.
I even told him that I don't mind him watching it ( as I believe I think that all men like porn) I told him to Get me involved like watching one together!.

A few Months before we Married in September 2008. I caught him again Not only this time it hurt me I really Broke down in tears. felt like I wasn't good enough and I was Ugly. Once again he Gained my trust. told me it was just a hand shank. An Promised he wouldn't do it again, as I'm the love off his life. Women off his dreams and that he cant wait to marry me

Our wedding day was fantastic a day I will never forget sharing our love for one another, Our wedding rings. Our first husband and wife kiss, Our First dance I even cried happy tears cos I had just Married my love of my life.
Till death do us part.

2 and half years in to our marriage April 2011 I discovered my Husband had unexplained Usage on his phone

But that fact that he had htc desire Contract phone With
1) 900 voice mins or texts.
2) 2,048
3) Free 3 to 3 Voice Minutes.

His monthly Bill is around £24 a week. But when his Bill started getting too £31 £34 I started to think Why would he use more usage and what on Cos We both had free Calls to each other as we both
had 3 phones, Because off this I started looking in his phone without him knowing. I found Mobile numbers that he cant explain that he rang at 1am in morning and the same the say after. I ring them and No reply to eventually the phone was switched off. I found he had Several Email accounts that I didn't know about. I also found in his settings section The part To hide all history From his new Email account.
At that point my heart was racing All-sorts off thoughts going through my head.
I wanted to know what he has been getting up too. But was getting harder to take a look at his phone without being seen.
That is when I decided to look at his computer And I found That All history I mean literately all History and been Deleted.
More Strange things happened as My husband wanted me to do Sexual acts that I had never done before. Then the Icing on the Cake he told me I had Gorgeous Blue Eyes. LIKE WHAT. I have Brown eyes. I asked him why would you say that Oh sorry he said it was a mistake.

At this point I wanted to know I confronted him. He said all it was, was just porn. And that the New email accounts was for his online games.

The past 3 months has been really hard I cant Trust him He lied to me. keep asking myself was it just porn he was doing Or was there more. I believe if it was just porn then why Delete all history he even Deleted out the recycling bin. And the fact he wont show me what porn he was looking at.

you know what Hurts more is that he cant talk to me, and he had to keep things from me. He wont even show me what porn he has been looking at. all I know is that its redtube..
its like iv had my heart ripped out its hard to explain
This time is different that before.
I really believed in him last time when he said he wont go on it.
Before i know he could off been going on Porn everyday even after we married.
It makes me sick just thinking off it.
I'm not Eating, I'm getting very little sleep each night, Getting bad head aches, always crying, Im always asking him where you going. what time you back? I just cant stop thinking about what sort off women he would be looking at. Iv lost all trust in him Its getting hard Like am I not sexy do i not do it for him any-more. Im not a big Girl Yes iv had 5 children, But 2 years ago i used to be a size 14.
I'm now slimmed out Back in me size 10s I'm brown eyed Latin women.
Its not as if he wanted to get me involved he wanted to hide and keep things from me. I just Cant understand plzz help I keep thinking there is more in it. I feel like I'm going Crazy.

Husband upset me today. told me he wants me to dress up like a sexy receptionist. then he admitted that it was one of the things he seen the porn site. That was it another kick in the chest I couldn't even fight back my emotions Tears rolled down my face. he told me not to get upset and that is was just a Hand shank. Im so confused right now. I love my husband. But the hurt I'm feeling is so strong iv lost all trust in him atm. It is really really had to explain and to put on paper. All I have is my Husbands Word for it
he says he sorry and every thing but i dnt believe he truly is sorry

Keep saying to myself keep strong for the kids.

[Firecat]

Dont get me wrong mind I thought i was doing Everything I can think off in the bedroom department ,Dress up, roll play, Even down to having a sex book. Fore Play book Sexy Couple game. Teasing him etc. our sex life was Great Until April this year, He is Generally a nice man. He is a great dad.

iv been hurt in a different kind off way Never felt like this before. X

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Husband upset me today. told me he wants me to dress up like a sexy receptionist. then he admitted that it was one of the things he seen the porn site.

Firecat 5 kids, that's so tough you feel that you have to keep it all together for the childeren, not hijacking this thread but if you deside to continue posting about his, you need to start your own thread, you are important okay...

It's not your job to do everything out of your power in my opinion to make him want you without him doing the same, that's a marriage...

This is where you step in and say, " what do you give me, spend an hour on me"....see his reaction.

Look, you made it clear you do not like porn won't accept it, you are married and he is spending your "joint" money on porn, and he is then seeing things "he" wants and saying "come on baby" this is what I want, well what about you? I would be beyond hurt.

I would kick him to the curb and let him see "what" he had because you have gone beyond the call of duty as a wife... stand up for yourself be assertive, enough...

[Firecat]

Thank you for your feed back. 5 kids yes we have our hands Full. Im glad to know that im not on my own

I want to for-fill is needs I really do.

But its the Honesty and Trust and lies that has hurt me more. I cant even Think off the right words to put down to describe how i am feeing

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But it works both ways... Ask yourself what he contributes to the table, for you, and to please you... As for honesty and trust, that has to be in a marriage or there is none, you can't go through life wondering.. Lies are the worst thing anyone could ever do to me, I turn into the wicked witch then

[rcoreyus]

Since you've talked to him about porn, has he said why he watches it?

I think that blame and anger don't help. He is watching porn, and unless the reason he is watching it (whatever that is) goes away, he will probably keep watching. I think you need to have a calm talk with him: Let him know that you can't be in a relationship where he watches porn. This isn't a question of whether porn is in some fundamental way bad or not, but simply that you can't tolerate it. You are happy to make all reasonable efforts to please him in bed (I hope he does the same for you). If despite that he wants to keep watching porn, then you want a divorce.

[Fleur]

...What you can do: My guess is that he is not going to give up watching porn, and he enjoys watching the type of porn that many people would find very offensive. I think you need to decide if you can live with someone with that behavior and those interests, and not judge them negatively for it. If you don't find this type of thing acceptable (and most people would not), then I think you should leave so that each of you can find someone better matched. I don't see any point staying in a relationship where either partner is unhappy.

Thanks very much for your response. I have been living with someone with that behaviour and interests and I have judged him negatively for it. As you have said though, porn is fantasy and we all have our fantasies. And his interest in porn isn't going to change. I don't like that fact (nor do I have to like it) but it only makes sense to me (as I have no intention of divorce and I am non-confrontational with him and therefore the fact that I know what he is up to doesn't reach him and only upsets me with no outlet) that I accept that fact and decide how to deal with it.

Your post has helped - I love him madly and he is a wonderful husband. Neither of us is going anywhere. So although it completely goes against all of my natural inquisitiveness, it is only logical that the easiest way for me to deal with it is to stop looking at what he is looking at.