[karenshiver]

Brian is also retiring from the military in 8 months... he will probably move to California and live with his mommy.

[Ashlee T.]

Karen - getting what you deserve? I doubt that.. and remember that we're not here to judge you. The moderators on this site work very hard to keep rude and judgemental comments off the posts here because everyone needs to feel free to vent, ask for advice and get support.

You say Brian jeopardized a 10 yr relationship for Maria. But say that back to yourself. When you say that, it sounds as if this whole relationship is in his hands. But it's not. You should've left Brian a thousand times....don't make it a thousand and one.

Your husband wanted to leave you for someone he knew 8 months. But you were the one who had stuck by him through his alcoholism and all the emotional rollercoasters he put you on (I have some experience with this..and can relate)......yet he wanted someone else. That right there is so hurtful, and I'm sure was very damaging to your self esteem. Now you're with Brian, who is an abuser, who treats you terrible, but because he wants to be with someone else (similar to your husband in that regard) you are going to put up with whatever you have to put up with so you can keep him...and not lose him like you did your husband. These are things you need to be able to see in yourself, so you can understand why it is you're willing to be treated like this........and by understanding why, you can force yourself to change.


It sounds like you have a history of codependant relationships and accepting far less than you deserve. It also sounds like you have been so preoccupied with your relationship with this abuser you haven't really taken the time to grieve the loss of someone you loved. This is why counseling is so very important for you.

[karenshiver]

YW. :-)

Karen- when you get to the Courage Network site and register, also keep in mind keeping your identification private. Find me there, under the name Ashlee. In one of my blogs, you'll see my story and see why I'm there and why I'm passionate about getting women like yourself OUT of those situations. Contact me anytime either here or there.

The Courage Network site approved my application... I am now a member. I looked up your blog, under the name Ashlee, but could not find it. But, thanks again for suggesting the site!

[karenshiver]

Brian has been calling everyday asking to see me... but, I just cannot answer the phone... I am so hurt. This is so hard... I wish things could be different between us.

[Ashlee T.]

The Courage Network site approved my application... I am now a member. I looked up your blog, under the name Ashlee, but could not find it. But, thanks again for suggesting the site!

I found you on there and just requested you as a friend.

This is so hard... I wish things could be different between us

Sure it's hard...10 years is no short time frame. And wishing things could be different is fine.......but realizing that REALITY is they cannot be different and won't be different is whats important. Abusers never like to lose.......if he doesn't have you who is he going to bully, who is he going to abuse and scare? I'm sure he'll beg for you....try to make you believe he's changed, but there is absolutely nothing positive about this relationship. Not only is he an abuser, but he's a cheater too. Either one of those things alone are deal breakers.

[karenshiver]

The cheating was the "kick" he gave me after he pushed me down... and, yes, they are both deal breakers... do you think he is aware of his offenses against me, or does he simply believe he really is a prince who never hurt anyone?

[Ashlee T.]

The cheating was the "kick" he gave me after he pushed me down... and, yes, they are both deal breakers... do you think he is aware of his offenses against me, or does he simply believe he really is a prince who never hurt anyone?

I think what you'll find with most abusers, a common thread, is a very high level of narcissism. So much so that if evaluated they'd probably fall into the "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" category. Google that, and tell me if Brian doesn't fit so much of what you read. And the answer to your question "do you think he is aware of his offenses against me, or does he simply believe he really is a prince who never hurt anyone?" is that he is so narcissistic that he never gets to the point of seeing his own wrongs. He might say he's sorry (only to get what he wants), but he most likely never sees anything other than your wrongs and the wrongs of others. He's superior. He's always right. Anyone who acts against him in any way should be punished and deserves whatever he gives them.

The guy (the murderer) you read about in my blog on Courage Network, had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Keep in mind that this did NOT excuse what he did...he was totally mentally competent. But throughout 4 years of being in jail, and the entire trial last year, he NEVER fully grasped what he had done. He truly felt that she was cheating on him and that justified what he had done. He spent the entire trial trying to prove her unfaithfulness (which he couldn't do) because in his mind, he believed if he could prove that, then we'd understand why he beat the life out of every inch of her body.

No......the answer is no. He doesn't see what you see. He never will. Your children have lost their father. Don't let them have to go through what Christina's family went through...years of trials, tears, anger and pain.

[karenshiver]

After two days of calling me, he gave up... whatever... boy, do I know how to pick 'em?!

[karenshiver]

never mind about the last post i made... he just called and said he is coming over and that i do not have a choice about it and he yelled at me and told me how ridiculous i was being in not having contact with him since last friday and he is completely ignoring how badly he treated me last friday and how he told me that he wanted to date his co worker and how he told me that he really wanted to hurt me and everything else... i am really afraid... i will not call the police... so, please do not suggest that... i sent him two text messages asking him not to come over... hopefully he will get mad at my text messages and not come over

[karenshiver]

i turned him down and rejected him tonight and he sent me 7 text messages, all very abusive... telling me how i am the most jealous woman on the planet, how i am not going to control who is in his life (meaning maria), how he will get rid of me before he gets rid of maria, how i am causing trouble by bringing up maria... well, i will just print all of the text messages between us and you guys can tell me what you think of our conversation tonight... thanks.

This is what I said to him (by text message)... do not come over, i am not ready to see you, you need to prove yourself to me... you treated me really badly on friday... and you still have maria in your life... you really hurt me... do not come over tonight... i am going to my neighbors house... i will not be home

And, this is what he said to me (in response to what I said, and all done in text messages)... by the way, he mentions jon... jon was engaged to my best friend when we were attending high school and jon is one of my facebook friends and i am not in love with jon and i do not want to date jon and i do not want to be jon's girlfriend, and jon is married, and i have no feelings for jon... but, brian is comparing maria to jon... this is what brian said:

when will you be able to see me?
so you still have john on in your life what's the difference?
as long as you're trying to control who gets to be in my life you won't be in my life
I cannot live with somebody is jealous as you
you'll probably get jealous when I tell you I'm gonna call a woman up tonight to wish them a happy birthday
I was not even gonna mention maria tonight I was actually gonna ask you out to dinner and a movie
but you mentioned maria and continue causing a problem