[Hopeless Dork]

Let his actions speak for what he's doing... and if he isn't showing you how much he cares, making you feel special... then thats when you decide whether or not you want to spend your days with him, hurting. You don't need some sort of internet log to tell you whether or not you are happy in this relationship.

Its putting all the blame and responsability on inanimate things... like if he doesn't do xyz then he loves you, well.. truth is you may NEVER know if he's doing xyz , even if you spend your entire days searching them out. But you will know in how he treats you, the time he spends with you, the efforts he makes to make you happy... ( such as stepping away from the games and giving you attention).

[spurzzz]

"I've always thought that what a person does when no one is watching says a lot about their character"

I agree with HD above, Actions Speak Louder Then Words.....you can learn a lot about someone just through their actions, if someone trully loves you then there are ways to tell. Just like if someone is lying or scared. Be vigilant of these emotions in him.

Trust has to come from within. If you find yourself looking for things to nail him with then you will never have that trust in the relationship for it to work on good terms. You must make a decision, if you trust him and believe his vow of never doing that again then accept that and move on. If you cannot accept it then that might involve another decision unfortunately.

It is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, I can imagine the pain and torment you must be feeling, but you know it takes a strong character to be able to forgive and grow stronger from events such as these. Take that as a huge credit to yourself and live the life you want with him. If he does do it again then know in your heart it is his loss and you tried your best....

[Crystalblue]

Thanks for the replies. To cw, I had thought about his use of porn being addictive for him & escalating into more personal contact online. He told me that 1 of the reasons he liked it was because there were sexual things he wanted to try, but was embarrassed to ask me. I told him he should be opening that door with me & even if I said no, that didn't mean it was ok to do them with someone else. I get that it's hard to put yourself in a position to be judged & rejected, but as his wife, who better to explore new sexual pleasures with. I hadn't thought of the angle of him playing a character online, but that really fits! I brushed the subject when we started buying outfits & toys. I asked him if he was interested in trying themes & role playing. He said, not really, but maybe he's not fully aware of it, or hasn't firgured out how to approach it with me. I'll pay closer attention to see if I've just been missing my ques.
To hd, I think that's what my subconscious has been telling me. I've been trying so hard to find the truth without being able to fully trust what he's telling me, but just like I knew something was wrong before I saw it, I'll know if he's treating me honestly by how he acts. He's stopped spending all his home time playing online & replaced it with being there for me & has even seemed not as fixated with porn. I've noticed a new closeness with him that fills me with happiness. I'll be working through all the emotions for a long while, but it's nice to have tears of joy instead of only pain. The hope love brings is wonderful.
To spruzzz, thx for the compliment. As uncertain as I am about trust, strength has not been on my long list of emotions. I've been trying to get it through to myself that if he's going to do this again, he will & all the checking up on him in the world won't stop it. I want to redirect my energy into making our relationship better & better. That's how I'll know I've put everything in this & have given our relationship all I have. If that's not enough, I'll have my answer.
Thanks for all the much needed support!

[Hopeless Dork]

I've been trying so hard to find the truth without being able to fully trust what he's telling me, but just like I knew something was wrong before I saw it, I'll know if he's treating me honestly by how he acts. He's stopped spending all his home time playing online & replaced it with being there for me & has even seemed not as fixated with porn. I've noticed a new closeness with him that fills me with happiness.

That is the truth and I am so glad you recognize it. You KNEW you were unhappy with the way he was treating you before you ever dug and found the specifics as to WHY he was treating you that way... when , in my opinion, it doesn't matter WHY a man is treating you less than you deserve -- the fact is -- he's doing it.

Too many of us put in TOO much energy trying to find the culprit for their distance... when in reality, the culprit is them themselves. Whatever they are choosing to distract themselves with is basically irrelevent.. the point is -- they are choosing something else above our feelings... and that is something you can see and feel without ever clicking on a computer history or checking a bank statement, etc.

If you focus to much on the 'what', and lose sight of trying to work on the 'why'... you are basically condeming yourself to a relationship filled with the two of you making accusations, hiding, lying, fighting, finding, digging, spying... lather rinse repeat and while you are so busy focusing on all that mess -- you never get to why its happening and the biggest question : can it be fixed, can it be made better?

If he's being shady again, you'll know it. You'll know it before you ever pick up his phone to check it, you'll know it in how he acts toward you. And actions are something men can understand and be responsible for... vague notions of what they should and shouldnt be doing as far as what constitutes cheating, they can rationalize away from you anyway... but solid facts are something they'd have to address and recognize and decide they want to work on or not.

I feel like you haven't spent time with me this week... I've gone to bed without you every night.

^ those are feelings supported by facts -- something they can recognize and address.

You'd rather hang on facebook than be with me!

^ thats an accusation, that they could rationalize away and say 'hmm, thats not true'.. without having to take a look at the actual actions that are hurting you.

[Crystalblue]

Thanks for breaking it down like that, hd. I get how that would be way more effective for getting to the heart of our problems. I'd much rather tell him what I need from him right now & let him act from there, then to give him a list of things I don't want him to do. The problem isn't just that I don't want him talking with other women online, I want him to be doing that with me. I agree that it's less important what's getting his focus & more important to understand why. I'll do some writing & praying on this & make sure I talk about what I was missing out on & how it made me feel

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I had thought about his use of porn being addictive for him & escalating into more personal contact online. He told me that 1 of the reasons he liked it was because there were sexual things he wanted to try, but was embarrassed to ask me

I meant "addicted" to the computer, on-line communication, games that allow you to put on a different persona, even this Forum you can choose your Avatar, you may be dark haired, yet you choose a random picture but she is blonde. The internet World allows people to be something / someone different...You say he was on the computer extensively over the years ... He may have developed a "character" a hidden part of himself, one that he would be embarrassed to admit to you, as it may be the opposite as to whom he is in front of you...

If he has an addiction, on-line games, facebook, porn, computers, computers it's possible that he's drifted off a little into his own world and likes "playing" that game, it's therefore the addiction to the computer - on-line people his different persona that you have to try to slow down so he can "see you"...

CW

[Crystalblue]

I thought about that being what you were saying, right after I posted. Took a bit for it to sink in I guess. Lol. He had definitely been hooked in online during most of our free time, so I could understand that being a possibility. If he likes playing a different role online, how do I go about bringing that out of him. It would be easy to be whoever you want online, but in person...I could ask him if he sees himself differently online, or acts differently, but ultimately I would think that would be his choice if he wanted to go into a character or not. From what I'd seen of his messages & posts, he acts the same as he would if you were talking to him in person, but he was constantly playing final fantasy & I have no way to know how he acts on there. I asked him to take a break from playing because the skype girl plays & it made me uncomfortable.
It's something to think about though. If you have any suggestions about how I could bring that out of him, I'd love to hear your ideas. Other than just asking him, I'm at a lose. Might take some of the fun out of it too, if he has to explain it, like ruining a good joke. I'll try sending him flirty texts when he's not expecting it. I do that anyway, but if we're going for role playing, I can stir things up a bit, see where it goes. If it doesn't bring out another side of him, could still turn out fun. Lol

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Read WOW - go to the advanced section up the top right and type in addicted to WOW.

With playing final fantasy, the name speaks for itself and naturally, you meet someone on a game like that, flirting happens, add that to watching porn.

The best slice of bread is always at home

I'd say nothing other than doing everything out of your power to trick him sub-consiously into stopping playing that game and only viewing facebook maybe...A normal internet chanel...

These games ruin people's lives they can be who ever they want to be and that ends up getting them into trouble because that side becomes addictive..

Get him addicted to you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/husband-fiance/12771-addicted-wow-world-warcraft-marriage-falling-apart.html

Here you go, have a read through this....

Although this game makes you get up at certain times of the night to play, it gives an insight into how powerful these games can be to a person's thought pattern...

[spurzzz]

CW:

That is very true. I too was once addicted to an online game similar to World Of Warcraft until I reached a point where I thought it was becoming too much. So I looked into it and realised exactly what you said, that people loose themselves into a make believe world and be the person that they always wanted to be.

Like the OP's Husband, it is so easy for men to chat and flirt to women online as they are hiding behind a computer screen and can get away with a lot of intrusive behaviour. I would love to see the "hi there, your hot" routine they do online to real girls in the flesh haha

Wanna learn how to fish? sure no problem just pick up your character and go fishing......i mastered a level 99 in fishing where I could fish sharks! Fancy that and people admired me for that. I could dance, fight, woodcut, do amazing matrix agility, I could even Mine some coal and gold. Online girls were digging me and I was the talk of the town......

And so the cycle begins, fantasy is better then reality - why no one likes me in reality but im special and wanted online.........I know which one I prefer! Endless repetitive tasks to gain approval and better your rating lead to desperate lonliness and isolation in real life. Jobs have been lost, marriages ended and friendships in real life sacrificed for those in a virtual community.

Everything in moderation is the key and to be aware of what is important and what isn't. Sounds simple but a LOT don't realize....