[Crystalblue]

It's a scary thought. From what I've seen, online affairs are a big problem for a lot of relationships. Maybe our morals can't keep up with leaps in technology & the sexual availability. It's just a tad depressing. Lol. I'll fight one battle at a time though & start with beating my husband into submission. Lol. Thanks for all the advice and support

[Hopeless Dork]

The thing I know is, it is really easy to get lost in your thoughts on this subject when you don't have all the details, or at least even FEEL like you have all the details. Your idea of what happened, the feelings he had involved etc... are probably so much more epic than anything that ever occured in reality. But since you don't know everything that happened, you can only dream it up in your mind... and you aren't going to be kind to your feelings when you do so. You're going to think the worst possible case scenerios ... and this is just in dealing with what he's done in the past.

As far as trusting for the future goes, without a clear idea of what occured before and more importantly, WHY he felt the need to do what he did, or why he felt justified in his actions -- you are going to keep up the pattern of thinking the worst when his phone beeps, or when you come home from the store and he's rapidly shutting down the computer.

In a happy relationship, you can't live in that kind of fear... you need that security that he's going to do the right thing and I think it starts with communicating open and honestly to why he made the choices he did in the past. Once he can help you understand why he decided to go that route, was it for the ego boost? was it something he was missing in the relationship? was it sheer selfishness of wanting everything with disregaurd to how it would effect you?

Its key to know that way you can find comfort in whether or not he's reached resolution with what caused him to do all that in the first place, if you can't understand, if he can't explain in ways to help you at least have some idea of what lead to all that... its going to be harder for you to believe he's stopped.

You will constantly wonder... okay so why stop now? Whats changed? Fear of losing me? Or actually not wanting to do it anymore? I think a lot more communication needs to take place for you to get to a warm place where whether or not you are happy with WHY he made the choices he did, that you at least can hear his point of view... and take it for what it is so that you can apply it to your relationship going forward... in an effort to feel like he's not doing it anymore.

[Crystalblue]

I've been trying to find a way to talk about this with my husband more, without feeling like we're back tracking and repeatedly going over the same stuff. I know I need to talk this out with him more, but I also don't want to bring it up so much that we're reliving it every time we talk. I don't want this to be something I hold over him where he feels constant guilt.
I told him about me joining the forum & asked him not to read it because it was a lot like my private journal, just with feedback. So now when he sees me writing he says he wants me to talk to him about what's wrong instead of keeping him in the dark about how I'm feeling. So, he's open & ready to talk more, but I just haven't found the words to ask the same questions in a different way.
Going back to our earlier talks he said it started out with him wanting to try new stuff & he convinced himself it was the same as porn because there was no physical contact. He said he kept doing it after he knew it was hurting me out of selfishness.
I still haven't gotten to a place where I feel like he won't do it again & I know there's still some talking to do because it just feels unfinished. Now that I think about it more, those talks were about his skype sessions that he says started later. His texts with his friend were going on longer, so I have my lead into asking him about what brought that on. Thanks! I'll do some meditating & praying about keeping myself calm & aware so we can talk this out in depth.

[oxy-moron]

Emotional affairs can also be an attempt to avoid Intimacy in the relationship.
I suspect long hours gaming or facebooking are the same.
You can probably trace the Intimacy issues back to childhood problems- possibly the ones that caused his drug addictions.
What was the counciling outcome from his drug rehab?

[caterpillar79]

This book may also help you - "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage...." by M. Gary Neuman.

I wish you all the best, sweetie.

[Crystalblue]

I'm not sure what kinds of counseling he's had for addiction. He was finishing probation when we had been together about a year, so I'm not sure what the system had him do. He's talked about being in a rehab program before, but I don't know much about it, might have even been while he was in jail, idk. He was going to meetings when I met him, but hasn't gone in a while. I'd say the last two years, he's separated himself from his program & within the last year, his friends, so it makes me think he's just not mentally healthy right now. Add that to all the stress of working to graduate college & then finding a job in his field. I know he's under a lot of pressure to prove himself at work right now, too. It in no way excuses what he did, but I don't really know how to help him. He has all the tools he needs to find himself again & I can tell him until I'm blue in the face, but unless he decides to take the steps himself, there's nothing I can do for him. In my mind, he just traded one addiction for another.

[Crystalblue]

I got the ebook caterpillar suggested & made my way through analyzing the quality of our marriage yesterday. The book had me make a pie chart of how I spent a typical day so I could see how much, or in my case, how little time me & my husband were spending together. The little quiz says we have Good marital skills, but need more alone time. I've gotten the same advice here, so you guys would make good marriage councilors. Lol. I started week one today & get to focus on commitment. I don't think I have anything to work on in this area, but I'll keep it in my mind throughout the week to see if I'm lacking anywhere in this area. I don't have guy friends that I talk to or hang out with, so I honestly don't think I've taken any energy out of my relationship with my husband. My first thought is that my husband needs to work on this one. Lol. I feel like I have a project to distract myself though & hopefully I can see past the finger pointing & get to a place where I can strengthen myself & in turn, our marriage. I really want to invite my husband to go through the book with me, but I'm making myself wait till I have a break through & realize that maybe I need some work, too. I've accepted the possibility, but not seeing past my husband's mistakes yet.

[Crystalblue]

I've been doing a lot of reflecting the last couple of days. I've been A stay at home mom the last 3 or 4 months, but before that I was working at a job where the mojority of my coworkers were guys. I never felt like I did anything to vialate my husbands trust, but I'll admit it may have taken some of the focus out of our marriage. As much as I like being outdoors, I chose to work at the car wash & there were a few females that worked there, but they were cashiers & I hardly ever talked with them. I worked with all the guys & we'd talk about anything & everything. I only had problems with one person coming on to strong, but squashed it easily. It helped that my older brother was working there too. Lol. But I'd flirt & hang out after work for a drink before I walked home. For the most part, I was one of the guys & everyone knew I was committed to my marriage.

I was thinking back to when I noticed things weren't quite right with my husband & coincidentally, it was around the same time I became a stay at home mom. I think when all my focus went back to my family life, I picked up on my husband's vibes better. I never saw my relationships at work as a bad thing because, other than the flirting, they treated me like a sister, but with some of my focus split away from my marriage, I was missing out on growing with my husband & building a stronger marriage.

I really didn't think commitment was an issue I needed to work on, but I'm glad I didn't write it off completely. Now I can go over what I learned with my husband so he knows it's not all about him. Glad I finally made the connection. I couldn't figure out why I suddenly knew something was wrong. The book was worth it even if it was just for that one revalation. Lol

[caterpillar79]

Way to go, Crystalblue. Like you said, you may have to wait to ask if he wants to read the book with you. That would be nice if you two work on it together. Try to open up in a loving way, no blaming or finger pointing as you share to him what you have discovered and learned from the book. Maybe (and hopefully), he will be receptive.

[Crystalblue]

I told my husband what I had learned about myself last night & talked to him about how the book explained what opposite sex relationships take away from a marriage. I kept it about myself & didn't hint at it having anything to do with him. I thought he might be more likely to consider it if I didn't try to turn it around on him. I was trying to explain that by having all those friendships with guys at work, it was making me less focused on the bond I had with him. At first he said he didn't get it & I asked if he wanted to read it because it's explained better in the book. Lol. He didn't bite, said he didn't want to. I didn't get mad about it though. I wasn't into relationship or self help books either. I always saw them as someone trying to make a buck off people who needed help.

Basically I said that when you relate with someone of the opposite sex, you form a closer and more emotionally intamate relationship. By having that with all my co-workers, I was taking away from the intimacy I had with him & my ability to connect with him. Hopefully he'll be able to understand what I'm working on & think about that being something he can do with me. If not, talking to him about it still makes me feel closer to him, so I feel like we're making progress.