[Sally Rand]

Masturbating while skyping is more than an emotional affair. That's sexual. He is giving those two ladies what he isn't giving you. Treat it as a sexual affair, because it is.

[Crystalblue]

Oh, it was definitely sexual, but since (as far as I know) there wasn't physical contact, I classify it different, but I already told him it feels like he cheated on me. Cheating is cheating whatever it's being called. I thought I'd hold off on the Internet break until we got better at replacing it with each other. I don't want him to feel like I'm taking something away from him. I just want to him to want to spend that time with me.
I reread over everything & I have all this information, but don't know how to use it. This is something he has to do for me. I can help, but if he doesn't do the work, there's nothing else I can do. It's hard because I want this fixed so badly, but I have no control over how this turns out. I don't trust him right now, but all I can do is hope he does the right thing. The most I can do is take steps to bring us closer, or move on if nothing changes. The balls in his court.
The friend he's known for a long time started texting him again yesterday. He told me about it & said he deleted everything without replying. Then she called & left a message wondering if he was ok. I told him, if she kept trying to get in touch, he could text & tell her what happened & that he wasn't going to talk to her anymore. He sent me a message this morning telling me she texted again & he told her what the deal was & then deleted her info again. It means a lot that he's doing these little things, but I still feel it's going to be a long time before we're ok & I trust him again

[Crystalblue]

I've been having a tough time with the trust issues this week. I want to be ready to move past this, but my brain has to much to worry about. Think it would be different if he had admitted everything when I first caught him. The way he handled this has messed my head up pretty bad. When I first caught him, I heard him talking to someone while he was in the shower & when I got mad & told him I was ready to leave, he said he had been using a porn site with live web cam. I was still hurt & carried it for the next week before I told him how bad I had been hurt. He basically told me to get over it or we wouldn't work out.
So I wrote him a mooshy letter about how much I loved him & why I could trust him. He cried when he read it & said he felt the same about me. The whole time I knew something was wrong. I went through his phone that night & found his skype session, the last one was that same day after he read my letter & acted like it meant so much to him. I found texts to his friend too, telling her that he was thinking about her & asking if she knew what he meant by that. He lyed about what he meant in the texts, but I knew that without a doubt. It took another week or so to get him to admit it though & I still don't know if it was more than that.
When I found out he replied to skype girl's message & tried to hide it, I think it broke my hope in half. There are so many ways to communicate with a phone that there's no possible way I could know for sure if he's fixing this.
It seems like he is, but now I know he's not gonna just admit something to me, especially right now when he knows I'm just barely hanging on. His friend is reacting the same way the skype girl did when he said he wasnt going to talk to her anymore. Told him that sucks & then sent a message the next day, "Does that mean we can't talk at all?" Same exact reaction. Hopefully he sees how the game is played this time. I'm really worried it'll be hard for him not to get sucked back in to the same situation. I guess if he does, that's his choice. I just don't wanna turn into a bitter man-hater.
I keep wondering if he would still be doing this if I hadn't caught him. I think the answers yes. He knew he was hurting me & did it anyway, I just didn't have proof to throw at him.
I'm still motivated to repair our relationship, but if I can't see past the lies, I think I'll have to try something more drastic...separation? I don't know. I just don't want to feel my heart squeeze everytime he picks up his phone.

[spurzzz]

Hi Crystal, thanks for sharing your troubles with us and keeping us updated with your feelings....I am so sorry you are going through so much pain, I know first hand what it is like and it is indescribable really, abo****ely gut wrenching.

You have to sit down with yourself and really dig deep for some answers. I don't think the question is whether or not you can trust him.....because that is something you are capable of doing yourself. Rather I think the question should be put on him and look back through your experience with him for the answers.
Can you trust him not to do this again?
Does he love you enough to change and does he mean it? Does his actions show this?
How many more lies are you willing to put up with? What is the line and where does it have to be crossed for the relationship to be over?

This is my opinion on the situation. If your partner loved you and cared about your feeling the way you do his, there is no excuse in the world for hurting you anymore.....If someone wants to change they will. Simple as, and their actions will show it in more ways than one.
How difficult is it for him to change his number, change his e-mail, change everything that has been causing a problem and proving to you that your the only attention he needs.....There just doesn't seem to be no urgency in his actions and that is a problem.

You can't afford to let a good heart make tough decisions for you.
Make your agenda clear to yourself and your partner. Know what you are willing to take and not take and there must be a line drawn, that if crossed is the end......be strong dear one and know what you want in life......if he is a smart man, he will do what is right to out things right.

If not, life goes on, a new journey shall begin.....I wish you the best of luck in your endeavour.

[Crystalblue]

I've been having a roller coaster effect with my feelings. Everytime I think I'm making progress, I'll start doubting everything.
I can tell my husband's trying to do whatever he can to work through this, but I feel like we reached a stand still. One of the first things he offered to do was change his phone number & deactivate his facebook. I told him not to because I didn't think it would help me trust him any more or less. The problem isn't just about him getting texts & phone calls. I don't have to trust the people who are trying to contact him, I have to trust him not to hurt our relationship by responding or contacting people he shouldn't. I never felt like facebook or email was a problem, but maybe facebook was, if he brought up deactivating it. I'll talk to him about going through with that, since I need more from him.
I guess I thought building trust back would be easier since I've never had problems trusting him before, but I already told him, my main problem is I trust him less & trust myself more, so now, every thing I imagine him trying to get away with seems more real to me.
I was right about what he was doing from the first time I suspecting something wasn't right. I thought things had turned sexual, either between someone he talked to through vent, on his game, or with his friend, & I was right. Just didn't expect it to be both. That was my first thought just from picking up on his body language, before I heard him in the shower or had any proof. If I read him so well without any extra info, then shouldn't I be worried about everything that's crossed my mind?
I've never seen myself as that aware of what's going on in someone else's head, but having my husband pegged that accurately... I trust myself a lot more.
I can't read the future though, unfortunately. We've had a lot of talks about that line. I can't make him a do or don't do list & hope I cover everything. He needs to know what's ok & what's not. I called his concients(sp?) into question & told him if he didn't know right from wrong at this point, there was no way I could trust him. It was my way of telling him I wasn't buying into his excuses & he needed to hold himself accountable, stop & never do it again, or I would have to move on.
As far as final fantasy goes, our break deal was up at the beginning of the month, but he hasn't played at all yet because he said he didn't want me to be worried about it. He didn't think I was ready for him to start playing again so he didn't. That's exactly the kind of stuff I've been watching for him to do, I just wish he was doing more of it & in all the areas, not just with video games. Might have to just tell him that instead of hoping he'll figure it out on his own. Boys are dumb! Lol. Ok, not all boys, but mine is getting to much practice at playing dumb.
Thanks for "listening". Hopefully, I can get get out from under this soon. I'm ready to be my normal self already. I'm starting to feel like a 24/7 downer!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

An addicted person, can swap from one thing to another within the same sphere.....

This is an addiction thing, it seems he loves you and the focus has to be getting him out the house, away from the computer and changing his brain pattern into an alternative addiction that is a healthy one

The internet world once addicted, is very hard to stop..

[Crystalblue]

I agree completely! I want us to get out & swap the online use with actual interaction with other friends. We used to have a really nice, healthy group of friends we'd hang out with regularly. After he got busy with school & now a new job, it's understandably harder to make time for that, but it seems really important that we get that back. Getting away from online games & computers isn't as easy as leaving the house anymore, though. All of that is conveniently included on his phone. Gotta love technology. I "joke" with him about breaking his phone on a regular basis.
I may have made a mistake talking about all this with one of my friends though. I hope it's something that's easy for my husband to get over. I've talked about this with only 2 of my friends, no family, because I do want to work past this, & sometimes family & friends aren't as forgiving when it comes to someone they care about being hurt. My husband's closest friend is my friend's husband. I held out on telling her about it at first because they were so close to us. I told my husband I didn't think it was right for me to talk to her about it, but he said it would be awquard for him but he understood if I needed someone that I could talk to. He said he could think of no one better to help me through this. Still, I said I didn't think I should, but she's a great friend & knows me too well. As much as I tried to hide it, she knew something was wrong. She left it with saying how important it was to talk to someone when we're struggling through hard times & I wound up calling her later & telling her everything.
So, the problem is, my husband has no social interaction aside from work & I'm worried it'll be hard for him to feel comfortable getting out with friends when they know about his skeletons. I asked him over a month ago to pick a friend he trusted & talk about what happened between us. It's not a humility thing. I want him to be able to think & talk freely about what he was missing from our relationship. I want him to be sure he's still in this. He tells me he is, but that's my biggest fear right now. He hasn't talked to any of his friends in a while, though & I'm worried that getting back to real socializing will be a hard step for him. Hopefully we can take baby steps.
I had been feeling a little lost since I have limited sources for advice on this, so I really appreciate this forum, & not just for my own thread. Reading through similar problems on other posts has helped a lot, too. Thanks for being here WH Forum!

[oxy-moron]

Hi
You have been told by WC to look at the site " your brain on porn" .
I think you would be be better off looking at the "your brain on porn" sister site
reuniting. This looks into how the sex you have with your partner can cause your relationship to break down.
It is based on ideas worked out hundreds and thousands of years ago and founded in Tantric and Taoist practice. A book called Cupids Poison Arrow summarises the theory.

In short the theory is that a condition called the Coolidge effect causes you to loose interest in your partner after orgasm- Its purpose is to stop repeated mating with the same partner and occurs all across the animal kingdom.
As your husband is having sex with you 4 to 5 times a week he is becoming totally disconnected from you. Fresh women become more appealing. Two or three - no problem.
All you have to do to turn this around is to start practising Karezza.
This is in short- sex without Orgasm. Sounds funny I know but once he has been doing at while he will become romantic towards you again.

Give it a read - it will be the most worthwhile time you have spent in a long while.

Good luck.

[Crystalblue]

Lol oxy. I saw a similar post from you on another thread & have already checked out the site. We've tried karezza, but not successfully. Lol. I haven't given up on the idea though. If at first you don't succeed....
My main goal at the moment is to make going out & interacting socially a regular routine. I wish we had the money for a regular date night, but even going for a drive would be a good start. I've mentioned doing that, taking some quiet back roads, & having some fun, maybe stopping for ice cream after, but either he's dragging his feet or he thinks I was joking. I'm keeping the pressure on though. I want him to know this is important to me & I'm not ok with slipping back into the old routine. I'll move on in a separate direction before I get taken for granted like that again.

[oxy-moron]

Keep your chin up.
At least you know what you are facing. Keep a close eye on him.

I hate to think what relationship challenges the children of the future face from technology.

God luck