[DreamP346]

Magnetism, I think what you really need to do is separate your love life and your family. I know what you are going through because I've been there. You will never make your mother happy. Even if you did get married, she will always be on your back about something else. You either need to just let it roll off your back (in one ear and out the other) or stand up to her and tell her that if she wants to maintain a relationship with you, she has to stop butting in. Be firm and cut off contact for a while.

I apply the first strategy with my father.

This is not the 1940's and this is not the villages of India. You don't have to hide behind a fake marriage. What are you going to do when you meet the love of your life. Tell them you can never truly be with them because you are in a sham marraige? That's a lot to ask somebody.

And what your guy friend told you, that is just one man's opinion. Just read this forum and see how people like soooo many different things. Nobody is the same. My husband doesn't care for BJs. But more than intercourse, he likes to lay on my breasts. I guess that is his fetish. If he has that, he could care less about intercourse, kissing, and other sexual stuff. And he is a pretty vanilla type of guy when it comes to sex. Don't make decisions about your life based on one guys' opinion. EVERYBODY is different.

[Magnetism]

Thanks, sp.

That man didn't mean anything bad. He's actually trying to help me out and did say that the right man should make intercourse pleasurable.

[Magnetism]

I can't edit my post, but I did tell my mother a little more about what I like and why I feel like I may not be able to fully please a man. She says that men and women at the end of the day prefer basic penis in vagina sex, that oral sex is for gay people (if I heard her correctly), and that a man will want much more from me than a blowjob. She says that she has been talking with all of kinds of women for the past 30 years, and that all women want penis in vagina sex overall. I just feel like someone stuck a dagger in my heart. I told my mom that I'm having a casual encounter with a man to let her know what my life is really like. She hung up and didn't want to talk to me anymore.


I know I'm being really self-destructive and crazy myself. I just feel like a mess. Yes, I'm in counseling blah blah. All what a counselor does is help support you and move you in the right direction.The counselors I know are supportive of my sexual preferences.

Lastly, she said that I'm living hand to mouth and that I need a man to help me with my bills.


This is all coming from a woman that has chosen to stay with a man that has sexually abused me. I keep bringing up how her husband has significantly affected my sense of sexuality, but she and her husband don't take any responsibility.

[Little]

Your mother's opinions frustrate me. Obviously that's me as an outsider, I can't imagine what it feels like for you. My mother says lots of crazy/stupid things, so I can sympathize. Sometimes you really do have to cut family members out of your life. The manner Sp suggested (a conditional cutout) is my suggestion too. I had to do it to my own mother. Other family members didn't like that I cut her out the way I did, but I feel it was necessary and that having done it saved our relationship.

I don't feel like you're acting crazy or self-destructive. Maybe you've left something out that would lead me to such a conclusion. Like I told you in the other thread, having casual sex in a respectful environment in which you feel comfortable experimenting is a great way to help your sexual issues, at least IMO. Another situation where I can say, "it worked for me."

I don't think that that, at the end of the day, men and women prefer PIV sex. Especially not women. Or that oral is only for gays, or that you need a man to help you financially ... the last two are obviously wrong to me, but I know that coming from an authority figure - particularly one you're trying to level with - it's hurtful information.

Your mother doesn't want to talk to you anymore? Forget her. At least until she figures out that she's being a buttface.

[Magnetism]

Little-I feel self destructive, because I revealed to my mom sexual information that most people wouldn't talk about. She's aware of all of the bad and horrific experiences ive had with men, so this casual experience is healing all of the hurt I've been through. I'm still having problems with intercourse, so this man and I do other things to fulfill needs. That's when my mom jumped in and said that he's going to want more out of me, but this man doesn't want to see me in pain. He says he can't get turned on when the woman isn't enjoying intercourse. I just feel like mom cant empathize with how it feels to be mistreated by males. I think it makes perfect sense to turn to women after going through all of that, OR having sex with people that can't commit. In a sick way, having casual sex seems safer than falling in love and getting married. I have a lot of anger towards my body right now, since I can't do the one act that everyone supposedly wants.

[jns]

Marriage was first brought up by my wife a year after meeting the first time. We were in a LDR (USA - Thailand) for the prior year during a time when telephone service to the countryside of Thailand was horrendous, so it was done by mail, which took weeks. After she brought it up, we discussed what we both wanted in the marriage and set an approximate date as a fortune teller had to be consulted for an auspicious date. Afterwards we visited her father to get his blessing. Then, three months later, we got married in a civil ceremony in Thailand with several hundred guests. The legal ceremony was 3 months later during a week long visit to get the paperwork for her visa moving.

I didn't believe I had the right qualifications as marriage material until I had a job that was good enough to support a family. Once I had such a job, I was much more confident in entering such a relationship. It would have been nice if a girl had taken a chance on me before having a good job, but I knew that was not what I would have done if I was her.

Magnetism, I understand that the events of your youth have shaped you as an adult. I'm pretty confident that is why you are so turned off by intercourse. Hopefully you will be able to overcome that situation somewhere in the future. There are men out there who do not like sex much, but you would like one who does like sex, just not intercourse. Because of this, does not sound like you are a good candidate for an arranged marriage. This situation is also why you are exploring girl on girl relationships.

Your mother cannot understand about oral sex because she probably has never had it performed on her or if she has had it, but has never gotten intense pleasure from it. On the other hand, she has had pleasure from intercourse, so she thinks intercourse is essential.

Do not get angry at your body, just resolve to find a man or a woman who you are compatible with and who is compatible with you. If you find someone who is confident that they have the proper qualifications for marriage, it shouldn't be too long before it is discussed. With compatibility on that subject, marriage should follow.

[Magnetism]

Marriage was first brought up by my wife a year after meeting the first time. We were in a LDR (USA - Thailand) for the prior year during a time when telephone service to the countryside of Thailand was horrendous, so it was done by mail, which took weeks. After she brought it up, we discussed what we both wanted in the marriage and set an approximate date as a fortune teller had to be consulted for an auspicious date. Afterwards we visited her father to get his blessing. Then, three months later, we got married in a civil ceremony in Thailand with several hundred guests. The legal ceremony was 3 months later during a week long visit to get the paperwork for her visa moving.

I didn't believe I had the right qualifications as marriage material until I had a job that was good enough to support a family. Once I had such a job, I was much more confident in entering such a relationship. It would have been nice if a girl had taken a chance on me before having a good job, but I knew that was not what I would have done if I was her.

Magnetism, I understand that the events of your youth have shaped you as an adult. I'm pretty confident that is why you are so turned off by intercourse. Hopefully you will be able to overcome that situation somewhere in the future. There are men out there who do not like sex much, but you would like one who does like sex, just not intercourse. Because of this, does not sound like you are a good candidate for an arranged marriage. This situation is also why you are exploring girl on girl relationships.

Your mother cannot understand about oral sex because she probably has never had it performed on her or if she has had it, but has never gotten intense pleasure from it. On the other hand, she has had pleasure from intercourse, so she thinks intercourse is essential.

Do not get angry at your body, just resolve to find a man or a woman who you are compatible with and who is compatible with you. If you find someone who is confident that they have the proper qualifications for marriage, it shouldn't be too long before it is discussed. With compatibility on that subject, marriage should follow.

Thank you for the heartfelt reply, jns. I just wish my parents would understand that I'm not an ideal candidate for an arranged marriage. They keep saying "This is for you and your happiness. We're not getting anything out of it." I would assume that performing oral sex on a man or receiving facials in their generation MIGHT have been a taboo.

I did get a birth control pill prescription, but I can't take it until tomorrow (there's some rule on only taking it the sunday after your period starts). I'm hoping that sex without condoms will feel much better.

I was going to go on a hawaii trip to my cousin's wedding with my parents this january. It was a chance to see hawaii after all. but, I decided to cancel it. It's not going to be worth my emotional health. Plus, a wedding is very triggering where everyone will be asking why am I not married yet.

[Stillness]

They keep saying "This is for you and your happiness. We're not getting anything out of it."

...Nothing except relief of their guilt for what was done to you. If you marry a nice man and have a nice normal life, then it all works out in the end and maybe what happened to you wasn't so bad. If you struggle with relationships then maybe they're partly to blame and they're reminded of the wrong and the guilt eats away at them.

Even in a family without a history of abuse a marriage is for the benefit of the family as a whole. That's why they arrange it in Eastern cultures. It can solidify social standings, provide a larger safety net for family members in need (like older parents), and make for the continuation of the family name.

I'm not saying they don't want good for you. I'm sure they do. But, don't let them sell that "we don't benefit" stuff to you.

[DreamP346]

A friend of mine often comments about her "Jewish mom guilt trip." I really think it applies to Asian moms/parents as well. They do a really good job of making you feel guilty without directly saying anything nasty. As loving children, we feel guilty for all the sacrifices our parents made for us and the stress we put them under with our modern choices. But a long time ago, I came to the understanding that those were their choices. That is what they wanted. We as children do not have to repay them back for those sacrifices.

Now as a mother, I understand that of my own children. I do not expect anything in return from them and even expect that they will break my heart several times in my lifetime. That is just the natural way of life and that is how it should be. When we make a choice to be a parent, that is what we sign up for - even all those heart aches. And when they turn into beautiful people, it makes it all worthwhile.

Come to that realization that causing some level of distress to your mother is part of the circle of life. And if you choose to have children, you will experience that distress as well. As long as you are not doing something wrong, know that whatever pain and heartache you cause your mother is not something you need to feel guilty over. If anything, your giving them false hope that maybe this arranged marriage is a possibility is only making things worst. The fact you have gone on some dates from the arranged marriage dating site is giving them hope. Put a complete end to it. Don't even hint it is a possibility. And the next time your mom brings it up, tell her you need to leave and hang up the phone or go home.

[Magnetism]

TRIGGER WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE EASILY DISTURBED


SP-You said it exactly. My mom knows how to be cunning where she says things that aren't direct put-downs, but they still inspire feelings of inadequacy.

As a child, I do remember my step-dad telling me that my mom liked looking at playboy with him and that she didn't like giving oral sex. He said he wanted to teach me how to give oral sex. I do wonder if my step-dad turned to me, because he wasn't happy with my mom. Not that it's an excuse, but it's a thought.


I also would much rather prefer to penetrate a woman than receive. I just don't understand how I can turn into a normal heterosexual woman that likes to receive. I get more turned on by being the giver, and that includes having sex with a woman with a strap on.