When to say when?

[KMonte85]

So it's been a couple of years since I've actually posted my OWN thread about my OWN problem.. so yeah, for those that know me, this is a big deal and I'm kinda going through some stuff.

I don't know if I want to be with my husband anymore. A short background: We've been together since we were kids, 11+ years in a monogamous relationship, married for a year and a half-ish. I love him, he loves me, our families get along, and we have a lot of mutual friends/social life.. BUT...

Since getting married, particularly in the last 8 months or so, our dynamic has changed. I feel like he's getting critical of me and less affectionate, and lazy, and I've grown resentful.

He works an odd full time schedule. 7 days on, 7 days off.. I completely understand those first few days, he's going to be beat and need some R&R. 2-3 days of being a bum around the house or just doing whatever he wants is perfectly acceptable, but it's turning into a week long vacation when he's not working, he's stopped keeping up his part of the household chores.

He's always been a bit "lax" when it came to keeping up the household, and I was fine with that. I understand that's how he is and went into the marriage with full acceptance that I would be taking on the brunt of cleaning duty (even picking up after his dirty socks and random dishes. etc).. but it's getting ridiculous.

He's also gotten quite annoyed that I have a social life without him. He has voiced concerns that I go out for beers with the team after volleyball (even when most on the team are HIS friends, and I've asked him to join us every time!), or I go out with friends on the weekends he works. He's said that he's received phone calls from his friends that they've seen me cheating on him (NOT true) and it looks bad for me to be out without him. He also won't tell me WHO it is who told him I was running around on him. Bottom line, he wants me home, even when he isn't home. I'm not a homebody, I like to be active and go to shows, ride trails on my bike, travel, fish, hang out with friends, etc, etc. When he's not working his weekend shift, we spend time together doing fun things I've planned that I feel I have to drag him to, knowing he'll enjoy it once we get there.. or if he absolutely won't go, I will stay home with him and watch him nap or watch tv or whatever. And he wants me to stay home and not do anything when he is working, or at least be home by 10:00pm Friday and Saturday night.

He also doesn't seem to respect me anymore. I've brought all these things up to him, and he blows me off, or makes me feel guilty for saying anything. Even if I'm giving gentle suggestions.. and I mean GENTLE. I used to be a lot more blunt, and I've learned through some personal growth how to speak to people in a non-offensive way. But any suggestion or opinion I have is typically met with annoyance. I'm not a dumb person, I'm actually quite intelligent, dare I say MORE intelligent than he is.

As an example, when he was cooking one day I suggested he put butter in the pot of pasta cooking to stop it from boiling over. He gives an exasperated sigh and rolls his eyes so hard at me, I worry they will fall out. Then he'll do it his way anyway, make a mess or it doesn't go well, and leaves it for me to clean up. It's almost like he's doing it on purpose out of spite... I tell myself that couldn't be so, but I'm beginning to wonder.

So I'm sitting here, thinking to myself... I work just as many hours as he does in 2 weeks, I pay ALL the bills with my paycheck as we still have separate accounts, I'm taking care of all indoor and now MOST outdoor household chores, I take care of the pets' needs, I value his opinion and plan fun things for us to do together when he can, and try to maintain a social/active lifestyle when he can't... and it's not good enough.

I love him. And he says he loves me more than I know, but I'm not seeing it lately. We get along otherwise, we don't really fight a lot, but that may be out of indifference.

At the same time, we're so entwined with one another. He's like a second son to my parents, my brother loves him like a brother, all our mutual lifelong friends see us as one single unit/"golden couple". It would be a HUGE upheaval to leave over issues that could be considered pretty minor by others' standards. However, I don't see it improving. I've told him that we should go to counseling, and his response is either silence and/or getting in the truck and taking off, or I get the exasperated sigh couple with that megahugeeyeroll at me and that's the end of that.

I guess I'm looking for some guidance/kind words/advice... I'm just so lost. It's not really a BAD marriage or relationship.. certainly not abusive by any means., but a lot of little things are adding up to a lot of major resentment on my part. I'm 27, no kids, and having trouble looking at this life as something I can do for 40+ years.

[rcoreyus]

Sorry to hear that things seem to be going downhill. I'll post a lot more later, but first one question: When there are not specific problems, are you still happy together? Do you enjoy spending time with him when you are both just relaxing?

[KMonte85]

it depends on the mood he's in. If he's in a light-hearted mood, we have a good time bumming around and relaxing together, although we don't really converse much. But we can spend enjoyable time together.

Whether it is the anger built up or what, I'm beginning to enjoy my free time without him better. Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him, and it's liberating to be able to freely speak and share opinions and ideas without eye-rolls and disapproving looks. Sometimes he enjoys my conversation, and other times he acts like I'm an embarrassment.

[Stillness]

Hey KMonte,

I feel like I don't know you as well as some of the others probably for the reasons you opened with. I don't know how well you know my situation. I've been with my wife for about 16 years - married 13. We have had a few issues. One of hers with me used to be work around the house. That reminded me of your description of your husband. Mine with her was affection. It has been very frustrating.

All of a sudden lately things have turned around. A few years ago I started doing more, but lately I am becoming very particular about the way I want my home to look. I actually think I do more around here than she does recently. It may be the difference between me at 24 and me at 37. I can't lie and say it might not be related to change number two: Our marriage has become drastically more affectionate over the past few months. We have never, ever been closer after struggling for nearly our entire marriage.

I'm not bragging. It's taken a lot of hard work, tears, prayer, study, mediation, irritating conversations, and getting support from this site. It's still not perfect. We still have issues. Right now we're dealing with the death of her mother just 3 days ago. We're absolutely crushed, but we're sticking together and even laughing and enjoying one another - as crazy as that sounds. Once we get through this we have other major problems to work through. My point is that good marriages are not made up by two perfect people that are perfectly compatible and have perfect circumstances. It's two people who are flawed in a flawed world, but patient, long-suffering, and willing to fight everything (including their own inclination to leave or do something stupid) to stick together.

I know a lot of happily married people and every one looks perfect on the outside, but says it's work. Sometimes you're just doing stuff out of a sense of duty until the good times or your heart comes back around. I say keep trying. Figure out what it is that caused you to lose his trust. Work on that. Keep communicating. Discipline yourself. Don't lose hope.

Sometimes you've got to know when to fold 'em, but to me your situation doesn't sound that way.

[DreamP346]

Sounds like you guys could really use some couples counselling. As you admit, the issues you have are not huge and since they weren't there before, are probably not something that is not unchangeable. However, you can't continue living like you are. Your husband obviously isn't listening to you, but he is listening to somebody else (who could be the problem). So maybe he will listen to a professional and help you negotiate your relationship better.

When a woman leaves a marriage, men are often shocked by it and didn't see it coming. When a man leaves a marriage, the wife usually saw it coming. Women tend to keep things in, try to do things subtly, keep try to fix the marriage that the man doesn't even know is broken. You need to be upfront with your husband and tell him that the relationship is not working and that if he is not willing to work it out, you are considering leaving. You need to make him understand that things are fragile and needs to be mended. Don't go into what is not working and how he needs to change, but its more about making him realize that your marriage in on the rocks. Once that is established, you can work the other stuff out. However, if he is not even willing to work on the marriage, then that is another issue.

I've often heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest. That's when many marriages break up. Even for people who were living together first. This is when you really need to test yourself on being able to negotiate your relationship.

[lizzardb63]

Hmm... my first thought is that he sounds depressed. He lacks motivation and seems "grumpy" a lot. Perhaps his job is bringing him down. He sounds like he mentions the cheating thing to maybe hear what your reaction may be and to hear things like "you'll love him forever", etc (just as an example).

Perhaps he's insecure because he KNOWS you have more fun without him and he's jealous of that.

When you said you offered to go to counseling with him he either gives you the silent treatment or takes off in his truck, that makes me think he feels it's his fault or that you're blaming him, when you're actually just making a suggestion.

At some point he is going to have to face whatever his demons are, because it isn't fair for you to play a mother role and keep the house clean, the outside fixed all on your own and it's not fair for him to tell you you can't go out without him or that you have to be home at a certain time. Counseling is probably the best idea so far to help, but sometimes a person's pride prevents that step.

As much as your friends see you as "one entity" you're both two different people who must live different lives, which also means having a separate social life, and his friends should respect that without trying to start any drama (IF one of his friends did tell him you were "cheating"). It's healthy for couples to spend some time apart, but then there has to be a mutual enjoyment of each others company as well, when you are together.

I've only been married for 9 months, but I already know that there are going to be (and for me already has been) definite low times and high times, but it all comes down to communication and not giving up.

[rcoreyus]

Another random question - is your sex life good (for both of you)? Problems there can lead to all sorts of other apparently unrelated problems in a relationship. In particular you can get into a downward spiral where you aren't very happy with each other and your sex life starts to suffer, with makes you both generally less happy, etc.

[lizzardb63]

KMonte- just randomly ran into a old post of a 25 truth's game and saw yours... saw these two truths. Maybe this will help you see why you're together in the first place.



4. I've had sex with one man, and one man only. I have no regrets about that, and I hope he is my last.


10. I always said I wasn't getting married - since I could talk I told Mom and Dad I wasn't getting married. Then I met him. He proposed. Now I can't wait to spend my life with the person I was made for and who was made for me. Not convinced there's a God, but if so, this had to be his plan all along. (end of mushiness lol)

[KMonte85]

Thanks all, I truly appreciate the comments. I agree with the sentiment that we could benefit from counseling! I think I need to broach the subject again, hopefully with more productive results. I've tried, but my husband is one of those guys who thinks "it's no one's business" and "we can handle it ourselves". I usually agree with that, but in this instance, there is so much history and anger built up now that I'm not sure us trying to fix it ourselves would be helpful at all! How do you get a person who doesn't believe in 3rd party counseling to go?

As for his job, he loves it. He says often how much he loves it, and I truly believe he does. He recently changed jobs to a career that coincides with his passion (after I pushed him to apply... I often believe in his abilities more than he does! lol). It makes him happy, and he's actually much happier in that aspect of his life than he has been in his entire adult life. I thought too that he might be depressed, or something is going on that he's so crabby lately. My bubbly, silly husband has turned into a grinch who is trying to impose curfews and limitations on me, and shirking his responsibilities at home.

Our sex life actually improved after we got married. Between being on birth control and being nervous of unwanted pregnancy, I did not have much of a sex drive. Once a week or so was MAX. After getting married, I got off birth control, and our quality and quantity of sex improved. He's a little vanilla for me, but he knows what I like and appeases me to his comfort level, and we both are satisfied. I will say that in the last 3 months or so, it has taken a downturn. We're back to about once a week, and he's more into just "hit it and quit it" where he used to be more attentive to my needs.

Lizz - that note from an old post actually made me tear up. I miss my husband. The person he was... because this person I'm living with now is becoming a grumpy hermit, he's trying to impose curfews and limitations to what I do in my free-time when he's working, he acts annoyed with me, and has lost his pride of ownership in our house. That's not the man I spent over a decade with, and I'm growing weary. Who knew after years of happiness, that it can take mere months to throw it all off track?

I'm really hung up on that cheating thing too, which I assume is the reasoning for his disdain for me leaving the house when he's working, but I don't know what I did to lose his trust? He says he got a scathing phone call, but I was out with our mutual friends that night (most are actually closer to him), my volleyball team. I had ASKED him to join us, but he wanted to stay home. I wasn't, and haven't, done anything untowardly.

I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to pick up the slack, and I'm trying to communicate without blaming in an effort to understand. I just feel so beaten down right now.

[lizzardb63]

Well, I can tell you it surely isn't you. He has something going on, whether it's depression, stress, or something else.

Have you ever asked him why he doesn't seem happy anymore? Sometimes a person doesn't realize how they've been acting differently until it's gently pointed out. I go through spurts of depression as well and sometimes it takes my husband to say "It just doesn't seem like you're happy anymore" for me to snap out of it and get back on track. I don't even realize how grumpy I am because I'm too selfishly involved in my own self pity.

[KMonte85]

Sometimes I think if I do just decide to stay home when he's working and pass on the beers with my volleyball team that might make things better, as that's a major point of contention he has with with me. But then I'll grow resentful of THAT. I work hard at my job and in my home, and I treat myself with social activities. I wear my wedding ring proudly when I'm out and about by myself, and when I do get hit on (which, sure.. it happens), I'm always very upfront, albeit polite, that I'm married.

As I'm mentioned before, I'm just lost... I still love him and I really believe he loves me, and we can work so well together when it's good. I've been patient, kind, gentle, non-critical for the last 8 months.. and I'm being met with a poor attitude on every account, not one of equal partnership at all. I didn't sign up for this! And he won't tell me what changed, or try to work with me..

I'm not one to be treated poorly, EVER. And it makes me mad, because I'm trying to fix us, but it feels so one-sided. If it were anyone else in the world, I would have told them to shove it... but I don't want to let him go yet.

[KMonte85]

. One of hers with me used to be work around the house. That reminded me of your description of your husband. Mine with her was affection. It has been very frustrating.

All of a sudden lately things have turned around. A few years ago I started doing more, but lately I am becoming very particular about the way I want my home to look. I actually think I do more around here than she does recently. It may be the difference between me at 24 and me at 37. I can't lie and say it might not be related to change number two: Our marriage has become drastically more affectionate over the past few months. We have never, ever been closer after struggling for nearly our entire marriage. .

How did this shift start? What changed it? And how long had you been hanging on to your marriage in order for this to happen?

Sometimes I feel so foolish thinking about throwing it all away over 8 months... but I'm fastly approaching the end of my rope. That's why I came here first... no one else in my personal life, other than my husband, knows what's going on or how serious I am about telling him to pack up and ship off.

[rcoreyus]

Still thinking. Trying to get a feeling for whether you to are good and happy together and have just fallen into a bad set of feedback with each other, or if you have drifted apart and would both be happier with someone else.

One thing that can lead to problems is "keeping score" where one (or both) of makes everything a trade or bargain. He feels that you should do X because he did Y. My wife had this problem during our long bad phase. If I forgot a dish when I cleaned up dinner, she would call me to come in from another room to put it away, rather then just take a few seconds to do it herself because it was "my job". (and I'm sure I did the equivalent).

Of course your situation may be completely different - I'm still listening to the discussion.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm engaged to a Chef. I was previously engaged to a Chef, when I was 25. He told me how to cut the potatoes, I have never ever, forgotten that and resented it. My now Chef fiancé laughs over it and will not tell me how to cook, after all I am a good cook and even if I wasn't, it's a case of it's my cooking, take it as it is. Sometimes, he would say " can I make a suggestion? " I will listen to that, after all he's a Chef and I may learn something.

Point being, if a man cooks, leave him alone, he needs to feel that he did good even if he didn't As for the mess, OMG tell me about it But again I just suffer anxiety and say no way I'm cleaning this up, and he gets up and does the main things that bother me. I always will do the dishes the next day as long as he cleans them up, if he's created a huge mess.

It's about understanding I think how each ticks. You're now living together it changes. I would suspect his Mother probably did everything for him so he is used to it. But also you were happy to do so and so, what happens same as my ex-husband, they get slack and all of a sudden you are doing stuff outside as well as inside and it gets too much. My ex refused to listen to those pleas at all and I walked on egg shells. If I put the washing lid up as I was running around doing something else I would be accused of doing so, so that, he noticed and would do the washing, not so.

I hope your husband will listen.. And not be as mine was. Try "hon, can you help me with this" and start doing it, so that he does.. Soon enough it should feel like togetherness. My fiancé and I do just that and we share the load and if he gets too slack as he works 4 with 3 off then I let him know, I worked today too, I need a hand... There may be a sigh but he gets up. But then we muck around and joke...

As for going out, you are your own person no one owns you. It sounds to me that he thought that by marrying you it would ensure he is safe, never will lose you to another. But, he sounds as if he is a tad controlling too, through fear that as you go out, as you drink, so may the accident of meeting another happen. Fear.

You have to let him know you married him for a reason, you love him, have and never will have any desire for anyone else but you are your own person and he needs to learn trust. You are not his child, you are a grown woman and his thoughts and fears need to be changed.

Be assertive K. Remember, the more you do the more someone will let you do.

A few changes is all I see that is needed.

[Stillness]

How did this shift start? What changed it? And how long had you been hanging on to your marriage in order for this to happen?

Sometimes I feel so foolish thinking about throwing it all away over 8 months... but I'm fastly approaching the end of my rope. That's why I came here first... no one else in my personal life, other than my husband, knows what's going on or how serious I am about telling him to pack up and ship off.

It started years ago (maybe 7 years into our marriage?) when I complained about the sex. My wife brought up the fact that she worked, and at the time longer hours, yet did more housework. I hadn't even considered it. I started trying to do a bit more.

I posted in the secret lounge on the more recent changes that I feel have taken us into the realm of operating like a married couple should.

Our first year was difficult too. We're both committed to marriage and don't believe in separation, let alone divorce, except in extreme circumstances. Marriage is a divine institution. We're afraid of what would happen to us (or not happen) to us if we violated it. The literal fear of God has contributed to us staying together. And I thank God for it, because I don't want to be a quitter. I know that my wife is a good woman. That's why I married her. If I can't make it work with her, what does that say about me?