[rcoreyus]

Its hard to know what is really going on because we just see words, and just one person's work. I've just seem so many people feel stuck in relationships where they are unhappy.

[Stillness]

Who's not unhappy with their relationship at times? I doubt you'll find one person that's happy with every single thing their mate does and that doesn't experience difficult times. rcoreyus, didn't you deal with quite a bit of frustration? Why did you stick it out? Do you regret it?

[jns]

Persistence is one of those things that will help you get through a lot in life. Of course, with another person, it is a dynamic situation. Not quite like staying at a job where you don't like your boss. However, in a relationship with persistence in mind, you are more willing to make necessary compromises to further the relationship. One of the key things is to not dig yourself in a hole so deep that you cannot get out. Persistence in the wrong direction is not good. The old proverb about "what to do when you find yourself in a hole" is to "quit digging" as the first step.

I think a lot of young people these days have difficulty compromising in personal relationships and at a lot of other things in life. I attribute a lot of it to many kids growing up as an only child. Growing up in a house with at least two children teaches compromise from a very young age. I am not saying that that is going on in this situation, just it seems to be more common now.

[rcoreyus]

The trick is to tell the difference between a good relationship that has hit a bad patch, and a bad relationship. Not easy.

[Stillness]

The trick is to tell the difference between a good relationship that has hit a bad patch, and a bad relationship.

I don't know that there's very much difference. I've heard of couples who have gone from a pattern of abuse and bad communication for years, and are on the verge of divorce, suicide and all sorts of bad things who then turn it around and become a loving and happy couple. On the other hand, there are plenty of couples that are very happy, but hit a bump in the road and just go on a horrible downward spiral.

They say "it takes two to tango," but I know that one person doing stupid stuff or being inattentive can mess it up for both people. On the flip side, one determined mate can often be the key to making a bad situation good. I believe that this can be harder for women. If there's any spark left, a woman will probably let her husband fan it into a flame if he plays his cards right. Many men aren't inclined to follow their wife's lead, though. It takes a clever, motivated woman to influence a stubborn man.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have a feeling that KM is working out who the particular party is that spoke to her husband.

You know KM even with a drink, we can un-intentionally flirt with absolutely no meaning. You to me are a prize.. Been with your husband for how many years 11? Suggestion there is he was your first to the outside world, what a huge thing to score, as your doubts come into play of whom you are with.

And, a fireman. Well most "girls" have fantasies about men in uniform.

And, like Grandma said, we can count our friends on one hand within our lifetime. The rest, you can bet your bottom dollar will at some point show their true colours.

[rcoreyus]

I think that there are some people who really are just bad for each other - or one is bad for the other. In this case the signs of disrespect and lack of trust are disturbing to me.

I don't know that there's very much difference. I've heard of couples who have gone from a pattern of abuse and bad communication for years, and are on the verge of divorce, suicide and all sorts of bad things who then turn it around and become a loving and happy couple. On the other hand, there are plenty of couples that are very happy, but hit a bump in the road and just go on a horrible downward spiral.

They say "it takes two to tango," but I know that one person doing stupid stuff or being inattentive can mess it up for both people. On the flip side, one determined mate can often be the key to making a bad situation good. I believe that this can be harder for women. If there's any spark left, a woman will probably let her husband fan it into a flame if he plays his cards right. Many men aren't inclined to follow their wife's lead, though. It takes a clever, motivated woman to influence a stubborn man.

[MrsVain]

man...your story could be my story. except in my story you need to add 3 times he left suddenly. the first 2 times was for a couple of months (2001) (2005, i was 7 months pg) and the last time was for 2 years. (2009-2011) we almost ended it then. he was even with some other girl (he also FINALLY admitted to cheating on me 2 other times {i think more} says only when we were separated) but i paniced and begged and we are back together. only we are still not well. o and mine has a drinking problem. probably an alcoholic, 4 dwi in 14 years together, 12 married. i dont want to be divorce but recently mine has taken to going on dating sites and actually created another fake email so he could email a couple.

i think we are done. i am scared and lost. but i am also tired of trying to keep this marriage together and being the only one. he is not committed to this relationship. he doesnt want counselling either for his drinking or our marriage. so i dont know what to do.

i wish i could tell you something positive. i dont believe in divorce. i think you should keep trying but it is hard when your man treats you like crap. i also believe that when a man accuses a woman of cheating it is because they are the ones cheating. have you looked into that?

[Euphoric]

KM,

I admit, I'm a bit flummoxed after reading this thread. If I understand correctly, this downhill spiral coincides with the new job, which is the same line of work, but at a new station. It appears that his coworkers may be implanting ideas in his head, or he is listening to stories of their lives (which may involve spousal affairs) and is somehow threading the possibility of that into his own life.

Dwelling over a person taking a shower, and bring it up several times, even after having been given an explanation, is a bit much. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I completely agree with your assessment, after all, if you can live comfortably in your own home, where can you? The thought of anyone questioning the need for a person to freshen up, especially given the circumstances, is ludicrous.

Is the lack of respect with sighs and eyerolling something that has suddenly surfaced, or is this an old habit?

I find it odd that he questions your love for him when you show it in several ways, ie: packing him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and going as far as to prepare or purchase a hot meal and delivering it to him. A couple of guys teased him. So what? He could have taken the opportunity to rub it in a litlle, about how sweet and thoughtful his wife was. But I guess that wouldn't be manly, LOL.

He's on 7, off 7. Why is he not carrying his fair share of household responsiblities? You're working fulltime, do things to make his life easier (the meals), and maintaining inside/outside household chores. Again, I feel there is a lack of respect on his behalf to sit back and not help out.

Marriage is a partnership, not a license to manage or control one another. Do you tell him what he can or can't do while he is off and you are working? I can understand him wanting to spend quality time when he is off, but to tell you that you can't go out while he is working is a bit much. Suspicion is there. Whether it is from a scathing phone call, implanted scenarios from listening to others, or self guilt.

I don't know how to get him to agree to counseling, but if he truly loves you, then he should be willing to try. Again, marriage is a partnership. It can't be one-sided. Both persons have to want it, and must be willing to exhaust all avenues of help when needed, if they want their relationship to be a happy, fulfilling one.

I wiah you luck.

Euphoric

[KMonte85]

I think a lot of the problem is I feel like I'm lacking the respect, trust, and partnership that I signed up for and always had.

He used to respect me, he wanted to hear my opinions and actually talk to me. Now when I speak, it seems like he feels taxed (the sighs, the eye rolls, the impatient "get to the point" tone he takes .. just really disrespectful and immature).

He used to trust me, and I still trust him. I don't think he's cheating, of course I could be wrong. I'm not looking for signs or snooping either, because I trust him. I also feel slighted because I did nothing to lose his trust. And whether or not that phone call happened, he had no reason to believe that person over the word of his wife. Yet he seems to have chosen that route.

I've never once told him what he can/can't do. I trust him to make the right choices and expect the same trust in return.


CW - I do chat and have lightheartedly flirted with men while out. However, it's friendly banter more than it is anything else. I've asked others if I was being inappropriate, and was told I never acted in a way that didn't show I was obviously having a casual, fun adult conversation. I understand that can get misinterpreted, but I also don't know that I can control others' perception when I'm merely being friendly. I'm not sure what you mean about that prize thing? Could you explain a little further? Yes, we've been together for 11 years.