[KMonte85]

Sometimes I think if I do just decide to stay home when he's working and pass on the beers with my volleyball team that might make things better, as that's a major point of contention he has with with me. But then I'll grow resentful of THAT. I work hard at my job and in my home, and I treat myself with social activities. I wear my wedding ring proudly when I'm out and about by myself, and when I do get hit on (which, sure.. it happens), I'm always very upfront, albeit polite, that I'm married.

As I'm mentioned before, I'm just lost... I still love him and I really believe he loves me, and we can work so well together when it's good. I've been patient, kind, gentle, non-critical for the last 8 months.. and I'm being met with a poor attitude on every account, not one of equal partnership at all. I didn't sign up for this! And he won't tell me what changed, or try to work with me..

I'm not one to be treated poorly, EVER. And it makes me mad, because I'm trying to fix us, but it feels so one-sided. If it were anyone else in the world, I would have told them to shove it... but I don't want to let him go yet.

[KMonte85]

. One of hers with me used to be work around the house. That reminded me of your description of your husband. Mine with her was affection. It has been very frustrating.

All of a sudden lately things have turned around. A few years ago I started doing more, but lately I am becoming very particular about the way I want my home to look. I actually think I do more around here than she does recently. It may be the difference between me at 24 and me at 37. I can't lie and say it might not be related to change number two: Our marriage has become drastically more affectionate over the past few months. We have never, ever been closer after struggling for nearly our entire marriage. .

How did this shift start? What changed it? And how long had you been hanging on to your marriage in order for this to happen?

Sometimes I feel so foolish thinking about throwing it all away over 8 months... but I'm fastly approaching the end of my rope. That's why I came here first... no one else in my personal life, other than my husband, knows what's going on or how serious I am about telling him to pack up and ship off.

[rcoreyus]

Still thinking. Trying to get a feeling for whether you to are good and happy together and have just fallen into a bad set of feedback with each other, or if you have drifted apart and would both be happier with someone else.

One thing that can lead to problems is "keeping score" where one (or both) of makes everything a trade or bargain. He feels that you should do X because he did Y. My wife had this problem during our long bad phase. If I forgot a dish when I cleaned up dinner, she would call me to come in from another room to put it away, rather then just take a few seconds to do it herself because it was "my job". (and I'm sure I did the equivalent).

Of course your situation may be completely different - I'm still listening to the discussion.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm engaged to a Chef. I was previously engaged to a Chef, when I was 25. He told me how to cut the potatoes, I have never ever, forgotten that and resented it. My now Chef fiancé laughs over it and will not tell me how to cook, after all I am a good cook and even if I wasn't, it's a case of it's my cooking, take it as it is. Sometimes, he would say " can I make a suggestion? " I will listen to that, after all he's a Chef and I may learn something.

Point being, if a man cooks, leave him alone, he needs to feel that he did good even if he didn't As for the mess, OMG tell me about it But again I just suffer anxiety and say no way I'm cleaning this up, and he gets up and does the main things that bother me. I always will do the dishes the next day as long as he cleans them up, if he's created a huge mess.

It's about understanding I think how each ticks. You're now living together it changes. I would suspect his Mother probably did everything for him so he is used to it. But also you were happy to do so and so, what happens same as my ex-husband, they get slack and all of a sudden you are doing stuff outside as well as inside and it gets too much. My ex refused to listen to those pleas at all and I walked on egg shells. If I put the washing lid up as I was running around doing something else I would be accused of doing so, so that, he noticed and would do the washing, not so.

I hope your husband will listen.. And not be as mine was. Try "hon, can you help me with this" and start doing it, so that he does.. Soon enough it should feel like togetherness. My fiancé and I do just that and we share the load and if he gets too slack as he works 4 with 3 off then I let him know, I worked today too, I need a hand... There may be a sigh but he gets up. But then we muck around and joke...

As for going out, you are your own person no one owns you. It sounds to me that he thought that by marrying you it would ensure he is safe, never will lose you to another. But, he sounds as if he is a tad controlling too, through fear that as you go out, as you drink, so may the accident of meeting another happen. Fear.

You have to let him know you married him for a reason, you love him, have and never will have any desire for anyone else but you are your own person and he needs to learn trust. You are not his child, you are a grown woman and his thoughts and fears need to be changed.

Be assertive K. Remember, the more you do the more someone will let you do.

A few changes is all I see that is needed.

[Stillness]

How did this shift start? What changed it? And how long had you been hanging on to your marriage in order for this to happen?

Sometimes I feel so foolish thinking about throwing it all away over 8 months... but I'm fastly approaching the end of my rope. That's why I came here first... no one else in my personal life, other than my husband, knows what's going on or how serious I am about telling him to pack up and ship off.

It started years ago (maybe 7 years into our marriage?) when I complained about the sex. My wife brought up the fact that she worked, and at the time longer hours, yet did more housework. I hadn't even considered it. I started trying to do a bit more.

I posted in the secret lounge on the more recent changes that I feel have taken us into the realm of operating like a married couple should.

Our first year was difficult too. We're both committed to marriage and don't believe in separation, let alone divorce, except in extreme circumstances. Marriage is a divine institution. We're afraid of what would happen to us (or not happen) to us if we violated it. The literal fear of God has contributed to us staying together. And I thank God for it, because I don't want to be a quitter. I know that my wife is a good woman. That's why I married her. If I can't make it work with her, what does that say about me?

[jns]

Right now we're dealing with the death of her mother just 3 days ago. We're absolutely crushed, but we're sticking together and even laughing and enjoying one another - as crazy as that sounds.

Sorry to hear this. My condolences to the both of you and your families.

[jns]

I don't know if I want to be with my husband anymore. A short background: We've been together since we were kids, 11+ years in a monogamous relationship, married for a year and a half-ish.

KM, were you two living together before marriage? If so, how long and what were the circumstances then?

7 days on and 7 days off sounds like a fireman. If the job means always being on call during that period to go out and save something or somebody while risking your life, I can somewhat understand wanting to get back to normal by doing the exact opposite. If his job is affecting his mental center, he should get some professional help to build a coping mechanism. If his dream job is tearing him apart, then it may be turning into a nightmare.

[KMonte85]

thank everyone for your brainstorming and kind words. I want to emphasize that I'm NOT getting fed up because he boils water over or wants to spend quiet nights with me... those were just high level examples. It runs much deeper than that, into our every day discussions and lifestyle. We of course never did always see eye to eye on some things, but at least we used to have lively (but productive) discussions.. now, whether it's talking turkey or talking philosophy, I feel I'm treated as a nag or an idiot.. his passive-aggressiveness turns me off. I've tried to tell him that his demeanor towards me has changed, or at least I interpret it that way, but he doesn't do acknowledge that either, and then just gives me another sigh/eyeroll. So I've just chosen to go mute for a while. Why engage in conversation with someone who acts as though they would rather you don't speak?

JNS - he is a fireman. He has been one for the better part of 10 years, this was just his opportunity to go full-time and not have to supplement his income with another job because the others were low-wage, or paid on call. He actually has a lighter schedule now as the department he works for is quiet rural. If they get 5 calls a week, it's busy for them. The misfortune he sees when he is out doesn't seem to phase him much. He's seem some pretty gruesome things, but he's always been able to talk it out or rise above. I could be wrong that what is going on is related to his job (it would stand to reason as the timelines in his job change match up), but I'm not sure. Maybe he just doesn't like working weekends?? Although he had to work every other Saturday at his last job.

We did live together prior to getting married, for 3 years. So I knew what living with him was, and he knew what living with me was. I did do the brunt of the housework then, but he helped out A LOT more in those past times then he does now, particularly when it came to outside/yard work. I have trouble keeping the house clean and kept up inside, and having to mow/weedwhack/trim hedges/etc etc too.. after getting home from a full day's work.. :/

[Stillness]

I just want to add one thing. I found that my wife was underestimating my contributions. There were certain things I did do from time to time and other things that were almost solely my responsibility. I admit that she did more, but somehow she was doing everything in her mind.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think it's just the overwhelming factor especially if someone is working as well. If one person comes home and the house is a mess, the dinner needs to be put on, the washing is sitting there, the gardens needs water, the pets need food made and to be fed, and you've just gotten home. The whole thing can be so overwhelming you automatically "need help" in the mind... And, so, you aren't thinking about the things the other person does do, just what he/she doesn't do

I often wonder. In our parents days, women still worked but they also did most of the chores, whilst the man took the garbage out, mowed the lawns, put the bins out...

I wonder if growing up and seeing this, guys assume it's the norm.

I also wonder if guys can look at those three things for instance and put a time on it. Then look at the cleaning, cooking, feeding, washing, toilets, bathrooms, dusting, need I go on ? And, then consider on a daily basis how much time over a week that takes.

Actually, I would love a show whereby the men assume the female role (as they believe it is) if they believe that it is hers and do it for 2 weeks... I wonder if that would sum it all up perfectly.

In any event, this time around I felt that the best way for a relationship to work in its fullest apart from communication and giving and receiving, is equality as much as possible and it seems to work well for me, never seen it before in my life