[KMonte85]

so here we are, months later... I'm still married, and trying to keep us going. I'm really just not ready to leave him, no matter what I say.. and he knows it! And I know it.

My husband and I went the counselling route, but again, were met with restrictions due to insurance coverage and very limited resources in our area. We were encouraged in the one conversation we had with a counselor to read the book "The 5 Languages of Love" which I did. I wasn't overly impressed with the book. There were a lot of fine points about giving/receiving love, but some of the scenarios in the book were brutal for me to get through (especially the story about the wife with the abusive husband... ick), What I did learn is that I receive love through service, which wasn't a shock to me at all. Given everything I've complained about, it seems pretty on par. I need someone to show me they love me by contributing to the household. My husband appreciates physical love. I admittedly was not loving him as much as he preferred, mainly due to my complete frustration with him as a husband.

I can say we've both put in some more effort than we have before. I've been taking vacation days off during the weeks he isn't working so we can just enjoy each other's company. I've been trying to be more keen to his physical needs, kissing him, sex, backrubs, etc... and I've made it a point to stop going out without him as much. I've become more of a homebody, or if I do go out, I get home before he does on those nights.

But I'm still not getting the type of response I would like to have. I expressed to him how much it bothers me that he isn't contributing, and he said he just forgets to do whatever task it is after he says he will. So we agreed to a "honey-do" list of sorts... projects he said he would do and can't forget, because they're written down and posted on the fridge. But still things are either not done, or they're half-arsed. When I ask him to complete something he started, I get a bad attitude, which is semi-understandable because I know he takes it as criticism.. I guess, it really is. But when you start a project and leave it half finished for weeks at a time, I don't know that I'm outside of my bounds asking him when he intends to put the pieces back together, You can't leave your aquarium half empty for a month.. you're going to kill the fish and ruin the filters. You can't leave the garage half walled in with all the materials laying untouched for a month, because then we can't park our cars inside. I just want him to be more reliable about finishing what he starts.

I'm stressing and finding it difficult to think straight. I'm thinking about telling him I need to get away and taking a mental health vacation by myself, but I don't want to come off like I'm this beast of a woman who demands more than what can be accomplished. I also don't want to re-ignite any suspicions. He's been really good about not accusing me of stepping outside our marriage. But if I take off for a week without him to get my head straight, I'm not sure it won't spark those insecurities again.

But I'm worried I'm getting overly complacent and shutting down. I can be a bit of a spitfire, and I'm starting to feel my flame fading... maybe hovering on depression. I just want my guy to love me and show me he cares. But I seem to be too scared to pull the plug. That fear gets exacerbated when I think about how our lives will be without each other in the future. We have all the same friends, his family loves me and my family loves him.. we have a few godchildren we share. How do you split from someone who has been your other half for over half your life? But how do you justify leaving that person because they won't mow the lawn anymore, don't want to vacuum, or don't want to express they love you in a way you can appreciate? If we weren't married, if I were single and we were just dating, I would not continue seeing him. I'm really torn on this one, and struggling with how to move forward. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we hated each other. I'm finding myself in a position where I desperately love someone I don't really like. I find myself thinking about this great guy I have, a man a lot of women would consider a catch, hardworking (outside of our home), charitable, community and family oriented..

He's a great man, a great person, but he's not much of a husband. And I feel like not much of a wife for being unable to inspire him to want to be a good husband...

[jns]

I didn't reread all of this thread, just parts of it. From my own experience, it sounds like he has a conflict between relaxation time and work (at home) time and if a project takes too much time he quits because it starts interfering with his relaxation time. I can relate.

Sunday is usually my relaxation day, but I had to change the water heater as the old one had a massive leak. Naturally, such jobs always take more time than they should, so much of my Sunday was not spent relaxing. But I got it finished and was rewarded with hot water for a bath and gratefulness by my wife even though she did not directly say it.

Have you tried seeing if your husband responds to some kind words on his completing projects and again at a later time? How about helping out a little bit during the projects? My wife helped out a bit by taping some joints, cleaning out the space and being a go-for a few times. It was nice to know that she was pulling in the same direction.

I know this appreciation is also a good thing from the husband to the wife. Does he still praise you for projects and ordinary chores well done?

[KMonte85]

He does struggle with that time management. He dedicates so much time to his work that when he has off he has trouble getting motivated and ends up using that time strictly to relax. But that's not how the world works... he's agreed that he takes too much on during his work weeks, and takes far too much advantage of relaxation during his off weeks. But he doesn't really make any changes. Meanwhile, the house still needs to be maintained, projects completed, meals made, pets cared for, laundry done, etc, etc...

I do try to help, but I get met with annoyance, mostly because I don't really know what I'm doing. I can't say I blame him.. it's annoying to deal with someone who asks a million questions and bumbles around. Those are the projects I typically like for him to do, strictly because I really am lacking in skills in those areas. When it came to the garage, I insulated the entire area myself.. removed all the nails, moved everything away from the walls and prepped so he could cut and install the OSB. I am absolutely awful at using power tools. One would think sawing in a straight line is easy... unless you're me. LOL

I also surprised him with a shiny new red toolbox and wrote him a note of appreciation as a thank you when I could tell he was getting frustrated by the job about one wall in. But it still didn't get done until over a month later when I turned into the nag and we argued about it... but I can't say I didn't try to help or tell him I appreciate the effort he was putting in.

As for him showing me appreciation, it waxes and wanes. Sometimes I'm told the house looks nice when I spend my free time scrubbing it. Sometimes I get told that dinner was delicious. Sometimes I get told he's sick of the lunches I make him, or he doesn't like that as I clean the house I pick up/move stuff he has laying around and then can't find it (who would think to check for coat in the coat closet, huh?).

[raindancer]

If you don't love him, there's no good reason to be together. Your families are close, but they're not living with him.

You only live once. If you're unhappy, you can always move on. Perhaps the idea you're actually resentful enough to end this relationship will make him jump into action.

I'm only saying this, because I get the impression you don't really love him anymore.

[effy2014]

Knowing when or if to leave is the hardest decision anyone can make. As you have written, divorce impacts more then just your relationship with your husband . . . it affects family ties, friendships, finances etc. However, as Raindancer observed, being constantly unhappy in a relationship is worse than most anything in life. For me it was like being in jail with no hope of parole.

As you know, your unhappiness is not about an unfinished project here and there. It is about being loved, respected and appreciated. We need partners who understand our needs and how to love us. If you are up for reading another book, I would suggest Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. I completely buy into her understanding about love relationships, why they fail and emotionally focused therapy. You will find it helpful. I also found Harville Hendrix's books (I was in couples therapy for a while sad to say) . . . Getting the Love You Want in particular . . . ) to be revealing about why we pick the partners that we do.

If you are going to stay, don't give up. While people do not change in dramatic ways, we certainly can become more aware sensitive to our partners. To me, shutting down is worse then leaving. It leaves two empty shells sharing a house.

[atskitty2]

What stands out most for me, in all your comments, is that you say you're a spitfire, and you feel your flame is fading.
That's so descriptive of what's happening for you mentally, emotionally, and physically pertaining to your marriage, and it's inevitably spilled over into every other area of your life, leaving you on the brink of depression.

It seems to me you're out of options. You've given it time, you've tried counseling and working on things. It seems to me that it is time for a more drastic step. Doesn't mean you have to leave, but taking a step toward separation maybe next. Maybe a week or two away on your own would be cleansing for you.

I know it is tough when you have a deep investment in someone. My ex was just another son to my parents, a brother to my siblings, etc. We were together so long, so close for so many years. There's no easy way to go about any of it.
I suggest giving some indication of trouble to family and friends so they aren't shocked if things don't work out. Just a hint, no details necessary.
I wish I'd done that.

I know you're a mature, smart woman, but remind yourself that this is your own life. You don't answer to family and friends, and they would want for you to be at peace, be happy and have that flame back!

[KMonte85]

Thank you, everyone. I'm sorry I haven't been here to respond in a very timely manner. Between technical troubles I've had with the forum and holiday hustle and bustle, I haven't had an opportunity to come back for a while. I do still love him. I love him very much and I try to show it, which is what makes this more hurtful. It's my resentment towards not feeling loved or appreciated that is driving me away.

I will definitely look up those books, effy. They sound like they may give me some more insight into what's going on in my current situation and what I can do.

atskitty, it's like you've read my mind. I have been tossing around the idea of leaving for a week to decompress and reflect. Doing so will be a fight in its own right. The last time I traveled on my own (with a female friend, actually), my husband was not happy with me. He doesn't like the idea of separate vacations, but I think spending a week or so apart from one another is probably preferable than formally separating in order to get the space we need to reflect on ourselves and our relationship.

[jns]

Sometimes separate vacations are good for recharging your batteries and learning to miss your partner again. They may not be good for making mutual decisions.

[atskitty2]

Sometimes we just need time to ourselves, without the influence of that person, to get back in touch with what we want & need. It may reveal a lot to you. You may decide to stay with him & take a whole new approach, or you may decide to leave.
Keep us posted. Yours was the first story that I followed & became careful of, when I joined this forum, so I'm hoping for the best for you.

[KMonte85]

I think I've been waiting this whole time for some sort of catalytic event to tell me that it's unequivocally over. SOMETHING that would indicate that I no longer loved him and we needed to move on with our lives, separately, and that would end the hurt/turmoil/guilt I've been feeling for so long. I've come to realize that point never truly happens for anyone (barring extreme cases, abuse, etc. of course). Leaving someone you intended to be your one and only for the rest of your life never, ever feels right. And there is a lot of bad feelings associated with that.

Divorce has always felt like a coward's way out to me, in all honesty. You just don't want to try anymore and so you accept failure. But, on the other hand, you're leaving everything you know, everything you're comfortable with, all the expectations you had for how the rest of your life is going to play out ...for the unknown. For the glimpse of something better that may be out there. The more I look at my own situation, I think divorce can be a very brave move, if done with the proper care and consideration such an action deserves. I will be giving up everything I’ve known for my entire adult life, everything I planned my life out to be. I’ll probably lose friends, and the respect of many – near to my heart. I’ll be the bad guy, and that’s terrifying. But also liberating. The façade of the perfect life I lead that masked my inner most hurt, will finally come down.

The thought of loving someone and divorcing them seems so foreign. One should hate the person they’re leaving, right? Or, at least be indifferent? You’re not supposed to have any more fond feelings for that person – that’s why you’re leaving. But it’s not that simple. I WANT my husband to be the person I need. Unfortunately, as the last year has proven to me, he’s incapable. It’s not that he hasn’t said he’ll change, or tried. It’s that he can’t change. It’s not in his DNA to be the person I need as my equal partner in life, or at the very least he doesn't want to be. And that means that I’m not the person for him either. If he, being who he is, will never be able to please his wife, then the marriage is unfair to him, too. So while I struggle to imagine a world where I can’t talk to him, where I may have to encounter him another significant other, where I can no longer confide in the one person I used to go to for so many years.. I will also open myself up to more opportunities to find the things in life that make me truly fulfilled. It’s give and take. Risk and reward. And I’m getting ever closer to taking that risk, taking that chance to have the satisfaction I never will if I stay here.

Time will tell... but I'm growing ever more brave, and ever closer to saying the words that will break the heart of (and expel from my life) the person who was supposed to mean more to me than anything else in this world.