[Little]

Is there anybody else in his life that is putting stress on him or making you look bad (other than the "friends" telling tales about you?)

My implication is that there is another woman - not necessarily that he is cheating, but that there is somebody out there whose newness is rubbing off on him, who he can view as perfect, versus you, who he has to live with, has known for a long time, and whose imperfections or perceived shortcomings (aka realities) are so well-known as to be unavoidable. His accusing you of cheating is a huge red flag.

Alternatively, he could just have a very charismatic and persuasive male friend who is putting ideas in his head about what lady partners should be doing while their menfolk are hard at work. Maybe more than one. Have you met any of his new coworkers? Does he talk about them?

You mentioned none of your social group know there are issues between you, but have any of them noticed a change in him? Does he reserve his "new self" for you? Is he this way only at home, or in public too?

[KMonte85]

I was wondering a little bit if his coworkers were putting ideas in his head. I've met them, but only briefly as he's expected to be working when he's on his shift, so they don't really want visitors around a ton. The one time I did hang around for a little longer, I actually got the schpeel from a few of the guys about how I spoil him because I pack him a good breakfast and lunch every day, and on his long shifts, I'll occasionally make or buy him a hot dinner and bring it there if he has a few free minutes. So they guys were teasing him about that.

That was 2 men on a department of 50 though, so who knows what ELSE could be being said. And it's a brotherhood there, so he probably wouldn't tell me that anyway. You have to maintain the trust of the guys who can potentially be holding your life in their hands, you know? I can't really fault him for that.

Our friends haven't said a lot. Most people probably wouldn't. We're all great friends, but they tend to follow the MYOB philosophy, which I can appreciate. There were two friends of ours who have made comments to me regarding Matt. One is my husband's ex-roommate and a she worked on the same volunteer Fire Department. She said that my husband has seemed to get kind of crabby lately... short-tempered and impatient, but tried to be light-hearted about it, like "what did you do to him??" kind of joking. The other friend is a very close mutual friend of ours. When my husband was working, he and I went out. And he said that my husband is one of his best friends, and he loved that he was a guy who would do anything and be carefree and fun, and now he's buttoned-up and serious.

Which makes me think... I wonder if he feels like he has to be "professional" all the time, to keep up appearances and look respectable, now given his new career?

[lizzardb63]

Sounds like maybe depression/anxiety or something. If others are noticing him being edgy or moody and he's more reserved that can be a sign and that it's not just around you.

[rcoreyus]

You are not required to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. You are married, so there is a commitment and you should put in a real effort to make things work, but it sounds like you have already done that. At this point my suggestions for things do do / try (not in any order) are:

1. convince him that this is serious and you want to go to counseling. If he isn't willing to put in even that much effort then that is a bad sign.

2. Get away from stress. Take a relaxing romantic vacation together somewhere away from the normal day to day stress. See if you can still enjoy your time together under the best of circumstances.

3. Try to reset your feelings. In case what is going on is that you are each building on each other's hostility, make a really serious effort to act as if you are doing well together for a few weeks. Try to convince yourself. Give him every possible opportunity to treat you well.

Then, if none of these work, ask for a divorce. Don't back down and wait for things to deteriorate more. Just end it cleanly - he has drifted too far away.

[Little]

It sounds a lot like the military, which I assumed when you said he was a fireman. (Some of his coworkers probably have military experience.) There is a culture that wives have to act a certain way, and if they don't, they're cheating. Guys who have been through the worst relationships and seen their brothers in arms go through the same relationships will often try to avoid it in the future - sometimes by making blanket statements like "If she's doing XYZ, she's cheating on you" and treating them as fact. That kind of talk is convincing ... and depressing.

It sounds like counseling is really a MUST, unless you think your husband is going to just open up all on his own with prompting from you.

[KMonte85]

rcoreyus - we just came back from a 7 day camping trip in the National Forest... nothing but peace, quiet, nature, fishing, lakes, playing with the dog, etc... it was nice. We didn't really fight, although some conversations were cool. Most of the time was enjoyable, I will say. But I can also say in full confidence, that it wasn't as enjoyable spending time with him as it has been in the past. He said a couple of things that just made me flip out. For example, last month it was an extremely hot day. I had volleyball that evening. I was also having a particularly heavy menstrual cycle at that time, and my tampon had leaked. I took a shower before going to volleyball and he questioned me over it. I told him I felt kind of icky from my period and wanted to shower, even if I needed to shower after I got back. He didn't like it. He brought it up a few times after that... and then finally when we were camping last week, now over a month later. I had been patient and just explained over and over again, that I felt unclean and wanted to get freshened up so I was comfortable to play volleyball that night, even if I was going to end up sticky and sandy anyway later on. That day camping, I snapped. I went up one side of him and down the other. I told him flat out (and not in a very nice tone or vocabulary) that I will take a shower in my house whenever the EFF I please and he will not question me about it or make me feel uncomfortable. We didn't talk for the rest of the day. I went off in the woods with our dog, and he did whatever he did. I came back before dark with firewood, and made dinner and went to bed. We woke up the next morning and acted as if that day never happened.

Little.. I agree it's much like the military in a lot of ways, and you're right that a lot of those coworkers are past military men. He and I are really going to have to work on getting him to open up about what's going on, or this is eventually going to fizzle out completely. I still love him more than I resent the way he's been acting lately. I still remember the great times we have had over the years, we still have a connection. I think I just have to put my foot down, but I've always hated ultimatums... so I hesitate. I need to convince myself that forcing him to either go to counseling with me/open up to me, or get out, is the only way I'm going to fix "us"

[rcoreyus]

OK, my read on this is that he suspects you are cheating, and he won't believe you whatever you say. He is looking for any sort of evidence - see another post of mine on why snooping is bad. You simply can't prove that you aren't cheating - and you can't prove that you won't cheat in the future.

Eventually his suspicions will arouse your suspicions: "people who check under beds have probably hidden there themselves".

Of course you have a right to take a shower whenever you want. Once he is being suspicious though he suspects even something as innocent as that.

It shouldn't be like that. For my wife and I: I once found a strange bottle of shampoo in her bathroom, she told me that while I was out of town a male friend of hers would sometimes go running and would stop by our place to shower, than have lunch with her. I completely believe the story.

Once she found a pack of condoms in the trunk of my car (we don't use them). I told her that a male friend had gone on a trip with us and they must have fallen out of his bag. She believed me (and it was true).

When you are with someone for years, lots of strange things happen. If you trust your partner it isn't a problem. If not, then there will be accusations, and (maybe worse) people hiding things that really are innocent, but look suspicious.


From the state you are in, I think the only hope is counseling. He needs to trust you or there is no happy future for you. If he wont go, then leave. Don't threaten to leave if he doesn't - he needs to WANT to fix this. Don't accuse him or anything, just let him know that you are not happy. That in itself is enough reason.

I'm sorry.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree actually about him thinking you are cheating.

"He got a scathing phone call"

You were at Volley Ball. The team is mainly closer to him than you. He can not fathom you showering before you go to Volley Ball. It is someone at Volley Ball.

I suspect, this.

Either there is a guy there that likes you and therefore, has made a call, in an attempt to break you up or a girl.

It's childish, it happens to the best of us as teenagers. But, given it revolves mainly to me around "volley ball".. Someone has decided to play a card and not a nice one.

[rcoreyus]

Yes, someone probably is trying to break you up. The thing is that he should trust you enough not to listen.

[Stillness]

I can't believe what I'm reading. Leave after a few months of difficulty? I could see if there was abuse or infidelity.

My first year was hard. A lot of people have hard first years and rough patches even after that. A couple needs to mature and grow together. Growing is painful sometimes.

My wife and I have both wanted to leave. She's told me. I don't know if I told her, but I've fantasized about being single again. I wouldn't have left her, but I wouldn't have stopped her. Today, I'm happy that we stuck it out and have never left each other's side. We're stronger after having gone through the fire. We've seen the dissolution of marriages amongst our friends and families and we're still at it and doing better than ever.

It feels good. Not because it's been smooth. But because it's been rough and it is rough, but we won't quit. It's made us better people. We're not quitters.

Can you calmly tell your husband something like, "I need your help. I love you. I love how you are with my family. I appreciate how hard you work. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've been really unhappy for a while. What should I do?"

Hold his hand or touch him. Don't be accusatory. It should open him up a bit. Don't give up.