[DreamP346]

For my 40th birthday, my husband wants to go away with the kids for a weekend trip. Last month I told him I didn't want any of this because A) we are tight on cash with him being out of work, B) usually I end up doing all the planning, packing and taking care of the kids while on the trip while he just relaxes and C) what I really want is a cleaning person so I don't have to spend my weekends cleaning the house.

My husband told me today that he is planning this trip. He promises me that I won't have to do anything and can just enjoy (heard promises like that before and don't believe it). The schedule he laid out is very tight going somewhere that is 5.5 hours drive away just for the weekend with the kids. He also hasn't said anything about the house cleaning - neither about getting a cleaning person nor that he would do it to give me a brake.

Part of me wants to go (who doesn't want to go on a trip) but the other half doesn't. I've suggested just doing out to dinner and a show, but he wants to do this trip. Not sure what to do.

[Stillness]

Why doesn't he just give you what you want? Is it really for your birthday or is it just around your birthday, but for the family?

[DreamP346]

Why doesn't he just give you what you want? Is it really for your birthday or is it just around your birthday, but for the family?

Yeah, that's my questions. Why can't I get something I want. I mean, I do like the trip, but I would really like a night out dancing (something he never takes me to do) too. The trip is something he would really enjoy as well.

Family are not involved. The kids are coming because we don't have anybody to watch them while we are gone.

[atskitty2]

Boy does this sound familiar...I'm sorry sp. I understand how this can be.
My hubby had a tendency to do these things. I'd tell him I wanted something practical, smth useful that would make my life easier all year long, and he would go buy some jewelry or a sweater...which I loved, but the remote start on my vehicle was what I asked for...what would've kept me from freezing so much!
It's frustrating and I always just felt like he didn't listen.

I had a talk w my hubby about it, but I think by the time I tried, our marriage was already a goner (for other reasons). I talked to him over a calm, leisurely lunch and just asked him if he heard me, and then asked him why he did otherwise. I asked him if he thought I didn't know what I want or if he just wanted to give me a more grand gift...I just talked to him, introduced some humor into it and I really thought he understood. He said he just got stuck in his mind what he thought I should have, what he thought I wanted...he said he just hadn't overwritten that with my own words. It was a very revealing discussion and it was pretty funny when we talked about it...but, it didn't stick...

Geesh...this sounds discouraging probably. I mean it to be the opposite. I believe these kinds of things just take some talking...it is completely solvable with good and honest communication. I believe that anyway. Your hubby is trying to help you...he probably thinks this will be relaxing, stress relieving and recuperative for you...when what you know is that a weekly or biweekly visit from a cleaning lady will do much more over the months...depending on where you live, you can probably get cleaning service for several weeks or months for the price of a weekend vacation.

[jen1447]

God .....sp, give me his number or e-mail or something, I will straighten him out for you!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ok, let me give you a laugh.

On my 40th. My (ex) husband gave me a motor bike helmet! WT? So I can join him on rides.. OK... Well I went once he went so fast as if I wasn't there around corners (after a while) I asked if anyone had ever been on the back of his bike, like ever, the answer was no.

OK, so I got to go for a ride on the back of a motor bike..............along the beach...............I wanted IDK, something personal?

sp.. He's out of work. I am betting he feels very useless. I am betting he wants to show what he knows best, ie) giving you a break. For all you know he's hired a cleaner whilst you are gone.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. I know this is a big number (40) and it should be something special, let's just hope it is and you don't come back and say it's a failure. He is planning.. You see what you wrote .."I end up doing the planning".

Tell him, great, ok.. pack as well

Enjoy yourself and worry about how you feel later.

The problem with us is we pre-empt what if this is what you hoped for?

If not... deal with it after.

Let yourself feel free and that it will happen. If he wants to do it and he says "he is planning" go for it and see.. It might be tight but it's away from housework right?

[CheekyNess]

Hey sp346,

I haven't read any of the other replies yet, but first and foremost, if this is your 40th birthday, I would think that you should get some say in what is done for said birthday. If part of you doesn't want to go on the trip, you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. If what you'd really like is a cleaner to help out around the house, this is what I feel should happen.

While it's very nice of your husband to plan the trip, there are some things that raise a red flag for me. Do you really want to spend your birthday weekend, packing and wrangling children while your husband kicks back? He doesn't work, and I'm guessing that you do. Who is paying for the trip?

One thing that I would like to ask is: if your husband doesn't work, he obviously has the time to help out around the house. Is he not doing this? And if that's the case, why the heck not?

[DreamP346]

While it's very nice of your husband to plan the trip, there are some things that raise a red flag for me. Do you really want to spend your birthday weekend, packing and wrangling children while your husband kicks back? He doesn't work, and I'm guessing that you do. Who is paying for the trip?

One thing that I would like to ask is: if your husband doesn't work, he obviously has the time to help out around the house. Is he not doing this? And if that's the case, why the heck not?

The trip will come out of our savings, which I don't mind. What's the point of having savings if we can't do something fun occasionally.

My husband just starting working. Well not quite. It's one of those commission jobs where you don't make money unless you sell something. He's been putting a lot of hours into it. I don't want to make him be the bad guy. He does help around the house, just not consistently. One day he decided to clean out every crevice of the kitchen. That's nice, but there are still 3 bathrooms that are filthy, sheets that need to be changed, carpets that need vacuuming, etc. He's not good about making sure that a minimum level of cleaning happens each week so we don't end up living in filth. January was a very busy month for me because of work travel so I couldn't clean. We slept in the same bed sheet for over 4 weeks and the toilet had filthy rings on it! You don't even want to know about the kids bathroom.

It's not that I don't want to go on this trip. I do. I just don't think it's worth the hassle and expense.

The other issue is that I fear getting disappointed. He says he will take care of everything, but my husband is not good at following through with promises. I also know myself. I am a great planner and when I see that my husband didn't plan very well, I will start getting frustrated. I usually pack the night below. I can just see it. It will be 11pm and my husband may just start packing. Of course, that will make me all stressed that he hasn't packed. He will be up all night packing, but still won't be packed the next morning so we will leave late. He will be exhausted from packing all night and so I will have to drive the entire 5.5 hours. He never packs snacks and enough things to keep the kids occupied during these long trips. So of course, I will have to deal with hungry and bored kids while I am driving. As I envision this, I can just see this trip adding more stress to my life.

Of course, once we get there, it will be fun, but we can only spend 1 1/2 days there because we'll have to drive back early Sunday afternoon.

I told him no on the trip. I'm worried I may have hurt his feelings on this.

[jen1447]

He'll get over it. Good job looking after yourself.

[Stillness]

I'm worried I may have hurt his feelings on this.

Depending on delivery, hurt feelings can be good. Pain builds character.