[atskitty2]

Maybe you did hurt his feelings, but just remember if he'd listened to your earnest request, had his expectations been appropriate, he wouldn't have disappointed himself.
Use this as an opportunity to help this trend to change.

[DreamP346]

So I thought this issue was over, but it's not. Hubby is still insisting on this trip. Birthday is next week and he hasn't booked anything yet, not even a dog sitter. He says he's working on it. He appealed to me to give him a chance to do this. I told him, if its my birthday, why can't I do something I want? I suggested spending the day in the city (which I love) or going dancing (something I love to do and he never takes me to). I don't know if I should be appreciative of his efforts or frustrated for not listening to me. I'm at a point where I just want to give in. It will be fun. Not the type of fun that I feel should be part of my 40th birthday celebration, but nice. And he and the kids will really enjoy it.

[Stillness]

I told him, if its my birthday, why can't I do something I want?

His answer?

Maybe he has a really nice surprise planned for you.

[DreamP346]

His answer?

Maybe he has a really nice surprise planned for you.

He didn't have an answer.

I know my husband. His surprise will be an expensive present, usually something I don't even want. We've been together 14 years. I know him too well. That is the reason for my not wanting to go.

[Euphoric]

I understand your frustration. Theoretically, while your husband has good intentions, it's not what you want. How much quality time will you actually get? The trip is for the weekend, and you'll automatically lose 11 hours because of travel time. Your last sentence says a lot, "He and the kids will really enjoy it." You're willing to concede because of the enjoyment they will receive.

I have done the same thing in the past, but truthfully I was disappointed, not because it wasn't nice, but because it was more for them than me. I guess that sounds a little selfish, but I make sure their b-days are about them and for their enjoyment.

Maybe he has really given this b-day celebration some thought and will follow through, after all, this is "a big one."

[Stillness]

I'm not claiming to be the marriage authority and you know that mine isn't perfect, but I wonder if you have communication issues. On the one hand I do understand that if someone is giving you a gift, you don't necessarily get to choose. But on the other hand, if that gift requires something of them (travel, planning) and they've said it's not their preference, then why is it being forced? And how does that conversation go?

sp346: "Why can't I get what I want?"
Mr. sp346: "..."

Are you being calm when you ask? Are you looking into his eyes waiting for a response, making it clear that the question is not rhetorical? Or is it storming out of the room, yelling, "Why don't I ever get what I want!" If you're sitting down discussing as partners how to move forward and pressing (not being pushy) for an answer, I don't see how he can just not answer, while insisting that you do what he wants for your gift.

[DreamP346]

I'm not claiming to be the marriage authority and you know that mine isn't perfect, but I wonder if you have communication issues. On the one hand I do understand that if someone is giving you a gift, you don't necessarily get to choose. But on the other hand, if that gift requires something of them (travel, planning) and they've said it's not their preference, then why is it being forced? And how does that conversation go?

sp346: "Why can't I get what I want?"
Mr. sp346: "..."

Are you being calm when you ask? Are you looking into his eyes waiting for a response, making it clear that the question is not rhetorical? Or is it storming out of the room, yelling, "Why don't I ever get what I want!" If you're sitting down discussing as partners how to move forward and pressing (not being pushy) for an answer, I don't see how he can just not answer, while insisting that you do what he wants for your gift.

Our conversations aren't calm and quiet but they aren't yelling either. I am a logical person, so I make my arguments backed up with reasons. I don't recall the actual conversation, but something like this:

Me: why can't I get what I want?
Him: ...
Him: you wouldn't have fun skiing down a mountain?
Me: Yes, but I can have just as much fun with something that isn't so crazy and stressful.
Him: but I'll do everything
Me: You are not good at following through on promises
Him: I will, give me a chance. It's the perfect opportunity. The kids are getting off school early.
Me: We've been together 14 years. I know how this will go. I know you and I know me. You will... (describe in detail what I think is going to happen)
Him: ...

At this point I walk away.

[DreamP346]

I think I'm just going to let him do this. It's not worth fighting over it. I just have to accept that this is not my birthday celebration, but a family trip. This way I can help plan and not be stressed about things not getting done.

I'll just plan a separate day to go out dancing with my girlfriend to celebrate my birthday. This way, we can both be happy.

[KMonte85]

I think I'm just going to let him do this. It's not worth fighting over it. I just have to accept that this is not my birthday celebration, but a family trip. This way I can help plan and not be stressed about things not getting done.

I'll just plan a separate day to go out dancing with my girlfriend to celebrate my birthday. This way, we can both be happy.

Honestly, I think this is the best way to go about it. Do what HE wants for your birthday, and plan later to do what YOU want. That gives him the chance to prove himself, which I think is really the crux of the issue here... he wants to prove to you he can pull this off. It's bad timing for his display, sure, but I guess he's trying, so...

Worst case, you've spent time on a weekend getaway that will still be fun for the family. And you still have the opportunity to do what YOU want, even if on a different timeline.

Good luck. I hope he really follows through on his promise to make this a special time for you. I know what it's like to have reservations about such things (my husband seems very much like yours in a number of ways), so try to relax and let him follow through, however that may turn out.

[jen1447]

I was tempted to agree with this, because it does make a lot of sense, but on the other hand sp you need to win this war, not just this battle. If you yield on this, you're giving up ground on the big picture. And the big picture problem is one that needs fixed, no two ways about it.