[WildChild]

It might be nice for her to connect with a few ladies she can get together with and have coffee once in a while. Here the Jewish communities have quite a few Russians. Might be worth a try, just to give her more connectedness. My grandfather came from Russia and while he was very proud to be American and insisted his kids learn only English, he still had his Russian speaking freinds that he got together with.

[Mr. ED]

We live 35 miles outside of town, but she is in constant contact with some Russian people over in Phoenix and by phone with people back in St. Petersburg.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, then I think that you need to make her laugh, pretend your in Italy, romance her more..

Cause if she is getting all that she needs "socially" haha, then she is missing something.

Well she is?
CW

[Mr. ED]

Well, then I think that you need to make her laugh, pretend your in Italy, romance her more..

Cause if she is getting all that she needs "socially" haha, then she is missing something.

Well she is?
CW

What would you suggest............haha???

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Least we know your still around.

How else do you bring up a thread? mmm?

It's ok, I imagine years without you and a few with you, well you know... She's just missing her old life...

Mean't in a really nice way

CW

[Guest]

mr ed,
i understand you asking for opinions, that may be normal for alot of things of many topics. but i agree with the ladies here. you should talk to her. communication is key in any and all relationships, be it married, dating, or just friends.
another thing is that you said you made a wager, no offensr but not good. i think you just said that for a reason only for your self.
most people do have more relationships than one. in my personal experience, i look at it this way, (wrong or right it works for me) and that is for any she has been involved with before me, no matter it be 1 or 20, that was her life and i didnt know her then. so it stays there unless she wants me to know. during the time we are together, then its my z. and if we break up it no longer is my z as what i would be doing shouldnt be hers. unless we end on good terms and can get along then the last changes a bit. this is how i see things for the MOST part.
so with that said, when you tore up those pictures you lost some of her trust in telling you things. people can remain friends after dating. and i think you show a bit of jealousy, even if you think you didn't, you did. she had a life before you and was willing to share it, now she is affraid to share more.
i understand some concerns, but your actions werent justified.
this is just my thought for what you said.
i think you need to learn (both of you) to communicate better and be more understanding/supportive.
good luck mr ed.

[WildChild]

JWB you've brought up some good points regarding past history and trust. As soon as we've had any kind of a relationship we start developing a history. It's part of who we are and how we respond to situations but it really isn't anyone else's business unless we choose to share it or it becomes relevant to a currant situation. Sometimes knowing more about a lovers history makes understanding and having patience them easier but getting all worked up about it can be very damaging to a relationship.

I've had some interesting (or maybe strange) life experiments and have gotten a little skittish about sharing some of them because they've been thrown back in some extrordinary ways. How about an inexperienced lover who gets some feedback, "touch me here, this way" sort of thing, who responds getting defensive , "you wouldn't say that if you hadn't had sex with other people!" That's a doomed relationship.

We get into a practice of witholding certain things because we've gotten so much negativity from people whe seem to be looking for ammo rather than learning who we are and how we got to where we are. It creates barriers between people. The man in my life has apparently known some insanely jealous women, sometimes he'll say something and I can see him bracing for an attack. When we first met we had a discussion that looking is OK, but panting, drooling and following home are not. He still gets appolgetic occasionally. It's nice he's wants to be sure I'm alright with it, but he's very male. Male is exactly what I wanted. I wouldn't change the instinct to look, it's my lookout to keep it more interesting with me than without. Poking, prying, getting upset over what happened in someone's life before you were in it is the kiss of death for intimacy and trust.

Getting to really know someone can take years and if trust isn't there it will never really happen. I bet there are people who have been together for years and years who think they know their partner but don't at all because they destroyed the other person's abilty to honestly share themselves. Thank you for bringing up those points.

[Guest]

thanks wildchild.
i am 100% serious. before me is her business not mine. i may ask but i wont get upset if she doesnt want to share. if she shares with me then great, i feel important enough to her for her doing so. but if she doesnt i have to respect her wishes and trust in that she and i are together and now it US.
the past can do 2 things to people. it can come back and haunt, or it can improve a person. hopefully, it improves but that is not a gaurentee.
glad you understand what i wrote wild.

[Mr. ED]

This thread has had it's up's and downs and I really appreciate the input I have received. It did help to see a woman's point of view since on my own it's virtually impossible. (At least for me.) I do want to mention however that I don't know of any American heterosexual male who would not get PO'd at finding out there was another man between her late husband and myself when she gave me the impression there was not and I lived with that impression for a year over here. Plus the fact that she had one month to reveal this person to me BEFORE we got married instead of two weeks after. Granted maybe she thought I would 'skip town' had she told me before the wedding because we did not know each other very long. But I'm not that way, I agree she couldn't know especially after Larry left her like he did after he got all he wanted. But it's not like I went to marry the girl down the block. 6000 miles one way.....twice!

Update:
I have since made an arrangement with my wife to answer his emails (just general conversation) from a different mail box because I want to give him a Christmas present in Hawaii. I plan to send him a disc with three folders in it. One containing a nice holiday message from my wife. The second containing all the letters he's written since July 28th. Only his; not her responses. And the third will contain a letter from me telling him exactly what I think of him. And they will be set up to open only in that order. Why??? Not because of what happened before I came into the picture. I have a history also. But because he used her and her apartment after she arranged for extensive dental work at a discount price and then left without any warning. She called South Carolina from Russia after he left and his fiancée answered the phone. He flatly denies he even has a girlfriend. Think about it! The other reason is because after I found the first email from him, she wrote back and told him not to write because she was married. He wrote back and is still writing. But now he's writing to me with her help. He's a pseudo megalomaniac and a pathological lier (I know this through intense Googling) and it's really too bad he lives about 3500 miles from here! There are many more twists and turns to this saga but I've already repeated myself more than once. Be it enough to say that it should all turn out to mine and my wife's satisfaction in the end. She would like to get even in some way for what he did five years ago.

[Mr. ED]

WildChild wrote:
I've had some interesting (or maybe strange) life experiments and have gotten a little skittish about sharing some of them because they've been thrown back in some extrordinary ways. How about an inexperienced lover who gets some feedback, "touch me here, this way" sort of thing, who responds getting defensive , "you wouldn't say that if you hadn't had sex with other people!" That's a doomed relationship.

WildChild:
I'm probably reading this paragraph wrong which is the reason for this reply. You knew someone who when you gave him some "heat of the moment" instruction became defensive? If that's right then that IS a doomed relationship. I can only speak for myself, but that's a of a turn-on!