[Hopeless Dork]

I don't think it is so suprising that it happened, don't think her an evil person for it - she was under a lot of stress. But so was her husband. He had to worry for her safety in a solitary cell. He probably spent countless sleepless nights so devistated completely unaware that she was making love down the hall for comfort.

Not judging her, she did not just share a story here and have everyone jump down her throat. She asked a question. She wanted to know how something like this would be perceived and we all owe her answers from the heart. Like I said before its sticky, if it was her alone enduring this imprisonment I think her husband may find it in his heart to understand - but given the fact that he was there too , going through it all too. It would just be so hard to not feel devisted.

I think she was struggling with whether or not to tell him, and I am not in her shoes... cant say what is right to do. I think this does serve us a reminder though to all of us, to give more care with our actions on a day to day basis because a weak moment can cause so much misery.

[Hope954]

Yes, you did cheat you had sex with another man. You said yourself that you think your husband may divorce you. I have to disagree with many in the forum who says you should not tell him or hold it until you die. Steve is your hubby's best friend right? Well, even if you and Steve just did it because of being scared or stressed or whatever, if Steve is your hubby's best friend he might eventually tell him just out of guilt.

If he hears it from him instead of you - I think it will be REALLY BAD!! He will will feel alot worst because not only did you do it, you hid it from him. I can not tell you how to approach telling your hubby - but I can tell you that if he finds out from Steve and not you - he will really feel betrayed in every sense of the word. Because not only have you shared your body with another man - you know have a secret with another man. Have you and Steve discussed this at all?

You should tell him all of the emotions you were experiencing, how scared you were, how you were not sure what was going to happen - may want to even make it sound 100 times worst than it was. Also, I don't know if you should include that you did it 3 times. Once, it's a mistake - by the 3rd time its something you both agreed to continue doing. How do you now feel about Steve? How does he now feel about you? Does he still come around?

This is only my advice. You know your hubby better than anyone and you really seem not to want to hurt him. You have to put yourself in his shoes, would you want to know if it was him and your best friend - really?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sunflower74
Unfortunately in those 3 months being locked up with Steve and feeling very lonely and helpless,

We were cuddling up in 1 bed cause of my nightmares and i guess the couple of times it did happen it was more to feel safe?

Okay, so the reason behind it in the initial thread was lonliness, helplessness.... And, in repsonse after our responses a question is possed, "feel safe?"'

Rebecca Deos
The fact that she found comfort in a physical manner is what we seem to hold to a higher standard.

So, the comfort "zone" was - lonliness, helplessness, nightmares, and then a question safe? The question she now poses to us.

So, then are the questions not playing in the threaders mind? Now? As to why?

I am not understanding this part. It seems she doesn't really understand herself why she did it, because lonliness is the "key" to the reason of cheating is it not? Sexless marriage, no attention, etc, etc, lonley.

I found out i was gonna spend my time with another man when i was waiting in prison

But, at the beginning of the thread, "husband" was separated because of confusion, they believe he was the driver now later, they had intended to put the husband and wife together but through confusing did not? And, then the above.

So, again, I am not getting this....

Steve, had been separated for 8 weeks, when this occured.. So, his life was turned upside down... His seperation happened because? And, whilst laying next to her, whilst she was "having nightmares", whilst she felt "lonley" he comforted her but then got turned on? Forgot about his mate? It was a woman? And, so... kissed her?

So, it seems to me that the threader is making reasons why she did it, but again, I state Steve is why she did it... She looked for "emotional support", and got "physcial support whilst she was at it"...

Okay, we can say but who instigated it?

I am going of what the threader is stating, " we slept in the same bed because of my nightmares".. So she was seeking emotional comfort.

What I don't get is " I did it because I was LONLEY"... That is the intial line posed on this thread.

So, again, if that was me, and i was an emotional wreck and Steve comforted me, and then went to try to do the deed, even if I was lonely, if i loved my husband, or even moralistically understood the word marriage full stop, I would have jumped up, been a bit shocked and said NO... but, I would have asked to be held, making it clear if need be...

Because I was "scared, i "missed my children", "my husband", not because i was Lonley..

Are there not children involved? 3 months without being able to tell them you are alive? It's okay Mummy is alive?

CW

[Rebecca Deos]

So, it seems to me that the threader is making reasons why she did it, but again, I state Steve is why she did it... She looked for "emotional support", and got "physcial support whilst she was at it"...

CW

I think you just tapped into something big here.

We have three distinct needs, physical, emotional and spiritual. All those needs have a specific type of nourishment. And many of us face issues of attempting to fill one "hunger" with a nourishment from another category. For example, many with eating disorders attempt to use food, a physical nourishment to attempt to fill an emotional hunger.

Very possible that allowing it to turn physical could fall into this category.

[Guest]

In the beginning I believe I characterized her cheating to a lessor offense different than the normal so called Cheater. I for 1 would like to ask what would we have done. I know some of us have answered that, but really, can we really know. I don't think so.

Then the word lonely or loneliness has now been bro't about much. I don't think of it as being just a mere word! Lets take a look!

It can be described as the absence of identification, understanding or compassion.The physical absence of meaningful people around a person are causes for loneliness, depression and involuntary celibacy.

At the same time loneliness may be a symptom of another social or psychological problem. Loneliness can occur within marriages or similar close relationships where there is anger, resentment, or where love cannot be given or received. It may represent a dysfunction of communication. Learning to cope with changes in life patterns is essential in overcoming loneliness.

Loneliness can take on all kinds of faces and we will all react in somewhat different ways.

Whether it was Steve, Cleave, Or Weave, at this point in her life I don't think that would have mattered nor would it change the fact that she did cheat. Loneliness can be a pretty harsh word in ones life and can only be felt to the depths of the person who is going thru whatever the circumstances may be.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Rebecca Deos
We have three distinct needs, physical, emotional and spiritual. All those needs have a specific type of nourishment

In-need

Loneliness can occur within marriages or similar close relationships where there is anger, resentment, or where love cannot be given or received. It may represent a dysfunction of communication. Learning to cope with changes in life patterns is essential in overcoming loneliness.

Wikipedia:- Lonliness
Common types

Loneliness can be summarized as falling into these categories:

• Situational / circumstantial - loss of a relationship, move to a new city
• Developmental - a need for intimacy balanced by a need for individualism
• Internal - often including feelings of low self-esteem and vulnerability

Loneliness can evoke feelings that 'everyone else' has friends, or that one is socially inadequate and socially unskilled. A lonely person may become convinced there is something wrong with him or her, or that no one understands his or her situation. Such a person may feel reluctant to attempt to change or to try new things. In extreme cases, a person may feel a sense of emptiness, which may become a state of clinical depression.

So, we are saying that the threader, perhaps went into a clinical depression, felt empty, wanted emotional intimacy, which bounced into physcial intimacy, due to lonliness, and therefore emptiness and ending in depression.

So, do we catagorise Steve in that sphere as well then?

Can they both then not get the blame at all, as it boils down to emptiness, depression?

A way of trying to cope with "solitude"...

CW

[Guest]

A way of trying to not cope with "solitude"...

Or a way of coping!!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Or a way of coping!!!!

Yep, that's what I mean't

I edited it, thanks In-need.

CW

[Jungle_Judy]

Wow I really don't even know where to being... first of all let me send my sympathies to the 3 of you!!! that is quite the amazing story!!!

Let me start by saying this is only my opinion and i do not want to be quoted telling me that I'm out of place and unjust for my opinion. I would think that being in the situation you were in the last thing i would be thinking about is sex and if I was I would have been getting better acquainted with my hand. Steve Was put in your cell with you as a blessing so you were not the one alone like your husband was. I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions or thoughts that would go through my mind in a foreign jail cell insanity would probably be on the top of my list. I can completely understand the two of you using each other as a support system I would have done the same ......................Do you think you need to tell your husband?? YES YOU DO!!! for your sake and his you have already betrayed him 3 times which is more then enough but the fact that your willing to betray him again by not being honest is so much worse... I'm no saint either and i know how difficult it can be to look someone in the eye and tell them that a betrayed their trust!!! It sucks but not even 2 minutes after fessing up I already felt better about it because now i could look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted that i was a lair It restored my hope and bought out a fight in me to save the relationship not to keep my skeletons locked up. Your question asked if you thought you cheated? Yes you did and you need to start taking the steps to fix what you did in a time of weakness... you husband deserves to know the truth or you will have you live with this on your shoulders and yours only when you take the vow not only did you promise to stay by his side through thick and thin but so did he. honesty is the best policy and remember everything in this world happens for a reason!!! I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do!!!

(please disregard my punctuation I'm an awful speller lol)

Jungle

[Rebecca Deos]

So, we are saying that the threader, perhaps went into a clinical depression, felt empty, wanted emotional intimacy, which bounced into physcial intimacy, due to lonliness, and therefore emptiness and ending in depression.

So, do we catagorise Steve in that sphere as well then?

Can they both then not get the blame at all, as it boils down to emptiness, depression?

A way of trying to cope with "solitude"...

CW

Yes, maybe a sort of depresson, plus the effects of severe stress. Does it make them blameless? I'm not sure.

But like I said earlier, if she was physically threatened, we (as a society) would give more leeway than if a woman feels emotionally threatened. Two people under duress, acting out, and using physical contact as a coping mechanism doesn't seem unreasonable to me.