[Guest]

No judging - just trying to understand....I'm direct and to the point if you haven't noticed.

Like I said, there isn't much we can do to help the woman find her guy attractive again. We can't control, nor can she control, what she finds attractive. I understand...and its an unfortunate situation to be in. I've been there...luckily I wasn't married.

By all means, continue your current habits. Just wait till your husband finds out...because he will.

Any of us men would be deemed perverted pigs if we purchased a pocket vagina because we didn't find our wives attractive anymore after 10 years.

A double standard I don't quite get.

[WildChild]

Double standards seem to abound when we start looking. For many hundreds of generations men have nearly had virtual carte blanche for their behavior and needs. Although I suspect many would have been happier in a good relationship with a sexually responsive wife. Now women and men are realizing that both have been shortchanged and we are stumbling along trying to find a new balance in all this.

We still have far more prejudices towards women in our language and behaviors. Just look at the negative words we have regarding women's sexual behavior (the filter won't allow listing them) we have no counterpart terms or ideas to go with them, regarding male sexual behavior. Most derisive or swear words men use relate to women and sexuallity, son of a ... refers not to a man's father, but his mother. Bast___ - mother unmarried. This is deeply embeded in our cultures. The odd corollary to this has been an acceptance of, or ignoring, certain behavior of women. For example there is generally more acceptance of lesbianism than of male homosexuality.

Women's culture, which has for all these generations dealt with the issue of their very survival depending on being in the good graces of at least one male, is much more sensitive to anything that threatens that. Little girls (and boys) grow up surrounded by overt and covert messages, does mommy have to ask daddy for money? Even if she earns money? Does she defer to his decisions, rather than decisions made together? Does the household tip-toe around the male's moods? Do things, "wait til your father get home"? All this goes back to an ingrained pattern of male in charge, female dependant.

Add to this, the fact that (and we've heard of plenty of it here, including Oh There's own experience) many men, if they can get off on their own, quit paying attention to the sexual needs , or perhaps any needs, of the woman in their life. So right or wrong, I do "get it". There are reasons for this double standard.

[Guest]

Double standards seem to abound when we start looking. For many hundreds of generations men have nearly had virtual carte blanche for their behavior and needs. Although I suspect many would have been happier in a good relationship with a sexually responsive wife. Now women and men are realizing that both have been shortchanged and we are stumbling along trying to find a new balance in all this.

We still have far more prejudices towards women in our language and behaviors. Just look at the negative words we have regarding women's sexual behavior (the filter won't allow listing them) we have no counterpart terms or ideas to go with them, regarding male sexual behavior. Most derisive or swear words men use relate to women and sexuallity, son of a ... refers not to a man's father, but his mother. Bast___ - mother unmarried. This is deeply embeded in our cultures. The odd corollary to this has been an acceptance of, or ignoring, certain behavior of women. For example there is generally more acceptance of lesbianism than of male homosexuality.

Women's culture, which has for all these generations dealt with the issue of their very survival depending on being in the good graces of at least one male, is much more sensitive to anything that threatens that. Little girls (and boys) grow up surrounded by overt and covert messages, does mommy have to ask daddy for money? Even if she earns money? Does she defer to his decisions, rather than decisions made together? Does the household tip-toe around the male's moods? Do things, "wait til your father get home"? All this goes back to an ingrained pattern of male in charge, female dependant.

Add to this, the fact that (and we've heard of plenty of it here, including Oh There's own experience) many men, if they can get off on their own, quit paying attention to the sexual needs , or perhaps any needs, of the woman in their life. So right or wrong, I do "get it". There are reasons for this double standard.

Touche.

1 thing, though - I share my personal experiences for learning purposes- not for ammo.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

No judging - just trying to understand....I'm direct and to the point if you haven't noticed.


Like I said, there isn't much we can do to help the woman find her guy attractive again. We can't control, nor can she control, what she finds attractive. I understand...and its an unfortunate situation to be in. I've been there...luckily I wasn't married.

I think as a woman, we really become un-attracted to our partners over many years, (10) in this instance, when all it is is "sex", does that make sense? We feel in-adequate, imagine your fiance if you didn't hold her, love her, was intimate with her not oral persay, just made her feel beautiful and all you did was put it in, that's it, time and time again, never even let her see your parts how would she see that do you think?


By all means, continue your current habits. Just wait till your husband finds out...because he will.

You personally disagree that she should use a vibrator because she's married yes?. Not at all... I don't use them and I agree that if you have someone in your life you don't need them, together you should be orgasmic. But it's a personal choice too isn't it? That's not the case here.. He's not. She feels like she is no-one, nothing.. She likes penetrated sex and has orgasms but she feels that it's just "sex".



Any of us men would be deemed perverted pigs if we purchased a pocket vagina because we didn't find our wives attractive anymore after 10 years.

.. perhaps she should have an affair then? NOOOO only joking...


A double standard I don't quite get.

Must admit though eweee yeah I wouldn't be happy. But, what if she never gave it up? Once a month or two only? Would you masterbate? What if when she did, she layed there and said hurry up?

Can you see where she's coming from maybe?

[nightqueen]

What's wrong with married women using vibrators, or masterbating? Did I miss something?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What's wrong with married women using vibrators, or masterbating? Did I miss something?

Nothing and no one I think is saying that, I think OTYA is only saying that she approached the subject with her husband and he didn't like the idea but she went ahead and got one anyway.

I'm just saying yes but, if he's conservative and only puts it in, pretty much and that's her life, and she now feels it's just sex, she's converted to not wanting that anymore and might as well do it herself instead..

She feels it just sex.........from her husband not love ...

Plus it's too early for me to write haha, ... I think I'm making sense but who knows...

[WildChild]

Touche.

1 thing, though - I share my personal experiences for learning purposes- not for ammo.

Didn't really intend it as ammo, but just to emphasis the point.

[cupcakekayla18]

Maybe because you had a baby you might have some self confidance problems. From what I find men like confedent girls.. if I where you I would throw away the vibe becuase that would most likly make him feel replaced. and you thinking that he doesnt want to have sex maybe is you being paranoid. I remember me and my husband where roomates for a good year before we got married and it seemed like sex was more fun than, but now that we are married it seems quick and like.. oh.. ok? maybe you should try roll playing or telling him things in his ear while making love to him?? just a thought.

[Guest]

Must admit though eweee yeah I wouldn't be happy. But, what if she never gave it up? Once a month or two only? Would you masterbate? What if when she did, she layed there and said hurry up?

Can you see where she's coming from maybe?

I'm sorry guys, we're probably getting into this way too deep.

I'm just saying - she wants to reconcile her marriage...I'm sure everyone here agrees that lying and hiding things from your spouse is not the way to do that.

Her husband is going to find her special friend at some time. It's only going to make things worse...she knows that....we know that.

What people choose to do on their own time is their business. I'm not judging. The poor woman came here asking advice...I gave it.

[nightqueen]

Maybe because you had a baby you might have some self confidance problems. From what I find men like confedent girls.. if I where you I would throw away the vibe becuase that would most likly make him feel replaced. and you thinking that he doesnt want to have sex maybe is you being paranoid. I remember me and my husband where roomates for a good year before we got married and it seemed like sex was more fun than, but now that we are married it seems quick and like.. oh.. ok? maybe you should try roll playing or telling him things in his ear while making love to him?? just a thought.

Don't get rid of the vibrator. Men masterbate all the time, and you should have that freedom too, with or without the vibrator. Happily married women use them, so it's fine. But, you can always try to make things more interesting and use it with him, or show him how you use it. But, I don't think it's right for him, or anyone else, to tell you not to use it.