[WildChild]

And sometimes vice versa.

There's a reason I'm so miserable half the time.

True, any time there is an imbalance with one trying a lot harder than the other, there is a problem.
In general cultural terms women are more relationship focused and pushed into that as well. Just look at magazines as an example. Womens mags are full of how to please him, how to drive him wild in the bedroom, how to tell if he is really enjoying it, how to fullfill his fantasies. The end goal is not so much mutual pleasure as just keeping him around.

If a men's publication addresses women as anything but an object of lust it is usually more the how to get what you want from a woman sexually , pleasuring a woman is more a avenue to get what the man wants rather than presented as The goal. I'm finally grasping that if women were more about getting what they need sexually chances are both would be more satisfied.

The goal should be mutual pleasure and support.

[Millania]

Thanks to everyone for replying
Futureboy-yes I understand it’s a lazy relief, I guess I am curious if he is thinking of HIMSELF in the sexual act with these women or if he is just getting off to watching 2 people enjoy each other. I may get bashed for this one(on this thread) but I just feel that it is wrong if he is imagining himself with these women
OK I can understand how watching 2 people get it on can be “hot” but I NEVER imagine MYSELF with these men, like in the past when we used to watch porn together, sure..it was hot..to see a nice romantic/sexual scene between 2 people but I would never wish I could have a guy with a **** like that, ETC, I gues I just wish I knew where his mind was at, but he WONT tell me any of this, he doesn’t even admit that he masturbates
I have tried to get it out of him that we are all human and normal and we all masturbate from time to time but he is in total denial toward me on this one.
I gues for some men to admit they masturbate is like men admitting they like Barbie dolls-it wont happen
newhere-I know I just need to “get over this” (dnt worry that doesn’t offend me-I need to get over it-or move on because he is not going to stop all of a sudden)or it will continue to eat me alive. I have spent WAY too much time in the last few months thinking he prefers these girls over me. Working hard to get over this horrible hump if I want to continue to be happy in my marriage
Stilllearning-if we lived alone he would probably be a prn addict(view it daily if he could), but we live with others, so he has to wait until everyone leaves, then he jumps straight for the computer. & yes, he definitely hides it from me because he knows I hate it
rcoreyus-a poor substitute to a real person? I wish he thought that way- My husband acts like porn is a monumental event, he cant get enough of it-I think he seriously feels a major rush from it-and that’s what keeps him coming back to it- but thanks for replying
Mitchel-ur so right, he will take a bullet before he admits he masturbates to porn, u should SEE how he gets when I ask him if he has mstrbtd! He gets so upset/defensive-its so obvious when he has-I am just not going to ever ask him again, its pointless, why bother if he wont even admit it to me, I don’t mind telling him I do, but I wont share anything personal like this if he wont with me
oh goodness u had a good analogy on here, try eating the same exact thing everyday for 2 weeks then have someone show you the food channel in HD , I have never thought of this before, the only thing that concerns me is wouldn’t that person that is eating the same thing everyday want to try the food they are seeing on the food channel in HD? Hmmmm..
I am very open with him sexually, we do it everyway, every position, everywhere
So I don’t understand why he STILL needs porn, I guess I will NEVER understand
Wildchild-Are you talking about your boyfriend/husband??? Seriously? He makes his penis chaffed then has to use a condom? Whoa. That’s weird! Wow he ADMITS it? Several times a day? How old is he? I wish mine would just admit, Yes I pulled it today-at least urs admits it. Dam so you guys used to do it and now u don’t do it anymore? Ugh I would be super upset
HopelessDork-Ur the best woman EVER that’s awesome! I am pretty much the same as you except I am working on loosing weight.
Unfortunately men love sexual variety (its inbedded in their DNA-to spread their seed) and when they are monogumus porn seems like a quick and easy fix to tame the urges of even just getting a glimpse at other women/variety(my thoughts at least)

Its nice to see I am not the only woman that is hurt by this. It feels good not be alone. At least when I feel miserable about him watching porn I can come into this thread and vent or read about other women and their experience with their men

[pretzel]

True, any time there is an imbalance with one trying a lot harder than the other, there is a problem.
In general cultural terms women are more relationship focused and pushed into that as well. Just look at magazines as an example. Womens mags are full of how to please him, how to drive him wild in the bedroom, how to tell if he is really enjoying it, how to fullfill his fantasies. The end goal is not so much mutual pleasure as just keeping him around.

If a men's publication addresses women as anything but an object of lust it is usually more the how to get what you want from a woman sexually , pleasuring a woman is more a avenue to get what the man wants rather than presented as The goal. I'm finally grasping that if women were more about getting what they need sexually chances are both would be more satisfied.

The goal should be mutual pleasure and support.

Agree 100%

[newhere808]

True, any time there is an imbalance with one trying a lot harder than the other, there is a problem.
In general cultural terms women are more relationship focused and pushed into that as well. Just look at magazines as an example. Womens mags are full of how to please him, how to drive him wild in the bedroom, how to tell if he is really enjoying it, how to fullfill his fantasies. The end goal is not so much mutual pleasure as just keeping him around.

If a men's publication addresses women as anything but an object of lust it is usually more the how to get what you want from a woman sexually , pleasuring a woman is more a avenue to get what the man wants rather than presented as The goal. I'm finally grasping that if women were more about getting what they need sexually chances are both would be more satisfied.

The goal should be mutual pleasure and support.

Like most things there are two sides to the story, while I will happily admit there are many guys out there that come off as caring for their partner little more than they care for their favorite pair of jeans, there are also several women out there that seem to deliberately make it hard for their SO to be caring. Famous example: guy asks girl whats wrong, girl says nothing, guy let's it go, girl get's ****ed cause guy isn't caring enough to prod her. Not saying that any of you ladies are like this, but it is as prominent an issue as the uncaring guy thing.

I agree whole heartedly that the goal should be mutal pleasure and support, but I think there are too many people, both men and women, that go into a relationship with the aforementioned generalizations in mind, and don't bother trying to understand their partner, then turn around and blame their partner for being a typical guy or a typical woman, and that's a serious shame.

[Mitchel1870]

It's pretty plain vanilla porn. Typically a bj (I gave him plenty of those for real) some vaginal sex, anal. Very basic porn stuff, nothing kinky at all. He says it's purely stress relief but may do it several times a day (not always with porn I think) if he has time. When we were having intercourse he would never go more than once in 24 hours and gradually got it to once a week, once every two weeks, once an month and down to none.

His hands are rough and he has actually been sore for months.

I am lost on that one then.

Is it odd hours he is doing this? Is he alone in the house? It is difficult to sleep with an erection, at 2 am to 4 am most SO's are happily sleeping. It does help one sleep better. There was a couple of other things I was thinking of but I can't bring myself to type them out here (knowing that other guys might read it). It goes into areas I can't discuss with another human, ever.

I think my analogy was misunderstood, it wasn't the same meal for 2 weeks (that would mean one was being 'fed' daily), it was one meal every two weeks. One must 'snack' even by themselves.

I think females don't need the visual stimulation as much, so you guys are luckier I guess.

If your SO prefers porn over you then there is a problem.

For some of us it is the only way we ever see a naked female (with the light on).

[Millania]

Mitchel-thx for replying-Oh I see what ur saying now, like fed once every 2 weeks u need snaks in btwn, mks sense, well my hubby gets some about 3-4's a week but I gues thats not enough so he turns to porn on some of those days
I hate doing it with the light on-maybe this is why he loves porn so much too, I need to start feeling a bit more comfortable with myself(working out to loose the weight) so i can turn on the lights! since guys are much more visual
The times we do have the light on its actually xtra wonderful, probably because my H is alot more visually stimulated and is xtra hard
I need to turn the lights on from now on

[WildChild]

how about some candles

[Millania]

candles-thats a good idea, I have NONE , I will have to purchase some this weekend, my hubby LOVES having some type of light on, we usualy keep the bathroom light on so it shines in but I will do the candle thing
my hubby barely can make love if its completley dark, he will do anything just to have some light, I gues thats kinda nice, that he wants to SEE me lol
Men are SO visual! I kinda wish I was turned on visually? women get much more aroused by touch than visual

[Hopeless Dork]

Me and my boyfriend got in yet another fight on this subject. Now most of you that have seen me post for months how it just makes me feel so bad about myself, whether it should or it shouldn't is really no longer up for debate as far as I'm concerned. It hurts my feelings it makes me feel bad and useless....PERIOD. Thats the part that needs addressing.

It seems we, in my relationship... and we on the board debate over whether or not people should get upset over it or not. But to me its not a matter of should or shouldn't I get upset it...its I'm upset. I'm tired of trying to find ways to not be upset about it. To try to ignore it, or to try to pretend it doesn't make me feel the way it does.

Reaching and searching for some kind of way to handle it without feeling sad. Bleep that. Seriously. It makes me sad, now what. So now its really no more about the porn, its about respecting my feelings.

I can't tell him NOT to do it, he knows how to clear a browser history. He's an adult and is perfectly capable of making choices to view or not view certain materials. But in that same vein, I am also perfectly capable of making choices to not keep giving all of myself to someone that will stomp my heart out to do something that is "no big deal" and "not even important" to him.

If its truly no big deal, and not important and is STILL worth hurting my feelings over... I've got to take that for what it is, and see the clear location my feelings are being placed under.

I've tried everything I can think of to find a way to be okay with it and not feel worthless everytime he wants to look up other girls in his private time. And its no longer working for me. I love him, I love him so so much and would stand by him through anything... so if he can't support me through this hard time I'm having with feelings about myself when he does that ... then my love means nothing.

I'm not giving ultimatums or saying its looking up girls or me, because even if I did give that ultimatum he could still do it and just hide it. Our otherwise perfectly happy relationship is on thin ice and either he's going to have to put my feelings first ahead of a picture of some girl in a thong, or I am going to have to stop having feelings for him that cause me to hurt when he chooses thong girl.

I've never been closer to giving up on us than I am here and now. I feel like I have exhausted all the ideas i have for trying to be okay with that stuff. And now its his turn. The ball is in his court as far as I'm concerned. He can decide what matters more and if its not me, I'm not going to make excuses for that - I'm going to believe it.

[newhere808]

Me and my boyfriend got in yet another fight on this subject. Now most of you that have seen me post for months how it just makes me feel so bad about myself, whether it should or it shouldn't is really no longer up for debate as far as I'm concerned. It hurts my feelings it makes me feel bad and useless....PERIOD. Thats the part that needs addressing.

It seems we, in my relationship... and we on the board debate over whether or not people should get upset over it or not. But to me its not a matter of should or shouldn't I get upset it...its I'm upset. I'm tired of trying to find ways to not be upset about it. To try to ignore it, or to try to pretend it doesn't make me feel the way it does.

Reaching and searching for some kind of way to handle it without feeling sad. Bleep that. Seriously. It makes me sad, now what. So now its really no more about the porn, its about respecting my feelings.

I agree, this is the real issue behind it. The only thing I would think a person would need to get past is the idea that he's thinking about someone else when he's with you, simply cause he watches porn. But if a guys watching of porn is hurting his SO that much, then yes, it's shameful that he won't do anything about it, and it is a big deal.

It sounds like porn is just the medium, for some guys it's going out for drinks with the guys, hobbies, or work, but it doesn't make the hurt any less real. There is a huge difference between feeling insecure and feeling hurt, and in my book the latter is worth changing something to prevent.