[FeministBen]

Bottom line is this: I think that so many women out there, whether they admit it or not, are on some level HURT by their men watching porn, and I feel like men have pretty much teamed up and chant "oh it's so common though!" as a way to demean or downright ignore their women's feelings.

What are you talkin about, you're totally ignoring mens' feelings on the subject.

It's totally fine you don't like porn. You shouldn't have to tolerate that in a relationship if you don't want to. 100% agree.

But that doesn't mean that every man you decide to date has to immediately drop it because you don't like it. EH?! Isn't it similarly TOTALLY fine for men to choose to like it, just as it's fine for you not to like it?

Surely the onus is on you to choose partners that don't watch porn or will sacrafice this to be with you. You have choices about who you date, it seems like you expect them to change for you but never the other way round.

[Mes T]

You are right about that.

But seems like men who don't watch porn are so far and few between, and it's this whole attitude that most men seem to have that really bothers me.

I can't help but feel like it's oppressive to women. That's the whole point.

Maybe women not watching as much porn as men do has something to do with women still going through the process of awakening their sexuality. I don't know.

I wonder how different things will be in a few decades' time.

I guess I also wish that more women would stand up for their feelings. I'm tired of them being hurt but just feeling like they have to settle.

[FeministBen]

I can't help but feel like it's oppressive to women. That's the whole point.

I wonder how different things will be in a few decades' time.

An interesting prospect! I don't know if oppressive is the right word. Selfish, perhaps. But we've all got our own personal bias in this area.

[ocularone]

Mes T, i can tell you that your point of view is COMPLETELY justified. Never convince yourself you should settle for anything that would hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. It makes me sad to know so many women would just accept it.

[newhere808]

My feeling is this: Most women are NOT okay with their men viewing porn and have to FORCE themselves to change their attitudes about it in order to keep the peace in their relationship.

I've done this with my ex. I've had to sit there, and rationalize that porn is okay, I've had to read message board topics like these to TRY to put my mind at rest...

But what's wrong with me accepting the fact that I am NOT okay with porn? I'm not okay with it, and I don't WANT to be okay with it, ever!

And coming to terms with that pretty much takes a load off my shoulders. I am NOT okay with it, and you know what? That's fine. I shouldn't have to put all this effort into trying to understand something I instinctively don't like, and I hate excuses such as "men are visual."

Women are visual, too. Woman fantasize when they masturbate. And I'll take the fantasies about my BF in my head over a loser, STI-infested naked porn man any day. Why do men have to think so differently?

I don't blame anyone for feeling this way one bit, if you or any other woman feel hurt/offended/ or otherwised distressed by your SO watching porn, I think you are more than justified in calling them out on it, they are afterall supposed to care about your feelings on the matter.

The only thing that I would ask of any woman that takes offense to it to understand, is that not ever man watches porn as a cheap replacement for their SO, and making that assumption is often baseless. I agree that men or women (yes women do it to) are not beyond self control in this regard, and it's something a couple needs to come to a mutual understanding about.

In your example of woman fantasizing when they masturbate, you cannot truely believe that every women in a relationship that masterbates on her own is thinking about her SO. I've grown up around women, i've known far more women in my life then men, of varying ages, backrounds, and personalities, and if there is one thing I know it's that women can be just as free in their sexual thoughts as men, the difference in my opinion is that for men it is somewhat more socially acceptable, and as such, they are more open about it. I've heard stories from femal coworkers, classmates, and acquaintences, married/engaged/in a relationship, that are so despicable I need to remind myself that not all women are like this, and to be perfectly honest, a good deal of the women on this site specifically are great reminders that their are still great women out there.

[rcoreyus]

This topic is endless. It is clear that there are wide differences on how porn is viewed, and wide differences in its effect on people and relationships. Generalizations just don't seem to work. Some men watch porn when their partners aren't around. Some watch it instead of being with their partners. Some view the porn women as "ideal mates" and view their SOs as inferior. To others it is just a masturbation aid with no more meaning than a vibrator has to a woman.

I think the real problem is the stigma / embarrassment attached to porn. If it was something men could mention early in a relationship, women could decide if they cared or not. Similarly a man could decide not to have a relationship with a woman who used a vibrator if he chose.

The problem is that it can't be discussed so men hide it. Then women find themselves shocked and horrified when they discover their SO watching porn.

It is much less common, but there are some men who are bothered by women using vibrators - that the woman prefers the vibrator because it lets her orgasm faster. Maybe she is comparing it to her man.

[lowprofile]

just few words

congrat. to MES T and ocularone!!!!!

it is hard nowadays to say something against porn with woman perspective, at least, u people did....keep it up.

people support it without realizing that what is happening with us (woman). unfortunately my very sensible BF also watching it because he says it is addiction, especially for man..

believe me!! this is not healthy and it is against woman 's dignity.

Miss feministben!

I respect your point as "human's right" ,that we should not object on others' choices
but u do not realized the other "human's right"
and this one is:
that it is against our gender's dignity. The way they portrait woman in porn , do u agree with that???
ok If normal sex is showing there,,it is ok ...
but mostly shows are perverted (am not talking about anal or oral sex: these usually considered as non perverted sex nowadays),
one woman 3 man or 4 man
and many others bad ways???/ what r these??
and in our routine life we mind if someone would stare us in public if we r kissing only...
now how u allow somebody watching real man and wife really making love ????

It has been proved now that
this porn has increased sex trafficking......young girls from poor countries are forced to do porn......

many NON- religious govt. has considered it threat to society and trying to minimize their porn culture.....

look at your innocent daughters and sons, do we want to give them a healthy sex culture or PORN CULTURE???

i KNOW IT IS VERY HARD TO ELIMINATE TOTALLY PORN CULTURE,
BUT we woman should try to minimize it for our next generation or discourage it....

No hard feeling please, whosoever disagree with me!!!!!!!!!!

[Mes T]

That's a good point about how "porn" is not even actually sex, it's more just... men using women to cum.

Why aren't more people into "erotica," which is actual, real sex between a man and a woman, and can show people things that they can actually use in their own bedrooms??

[FeministBen]

Miss feministben!

I respect your point as "human's right" ,that we should not object on others' choices
but u do not realized the other "human's right"
and this one is:
that it is against our gender's dignity. The way they portrait woman in porn , do u agree with that???

I don't agree at all.

The women's dignity, assuming it is being compromised, is being bought. Our dignity is being bought on a daily basis. When you work a job, you agree to be subservient to your boss and do things perhaps you'd rather not. Is that not having your dignity bought? What about the way we choose to live in society - we trade in certain freedoms so we can feel safe and protected. That is trading in your dignity.

In regards to our sexual dignity in particular, women have been using their sexuality in a mercenary manner since time imemorial. When you flirt to get something you want for example, is that a loss of dignity or is it empowering?

It has been proved now that
this porn has increased sex trafficking......young girls from poor countries are forced to do porn......

It's not been proved to me, where's your proof for it? I've never heard of anything like that, the porn industry isn't like prostitution, it is for the most part an incredibly legal business.

That's a good point about how "porn" is not even actually sex, it's more just... men using women to cum.

On the other hand, you could say it's just women using men for money. Bare in mind, this isn't abuse, it's legal and women happily consent to and seek out this employment. Just because it portrays the males in a predatorial manner doesn't mean that is the reality behind the scenes.

Why aren't more people into "erotica," which is actual, real sex between a man and a woman, and can show people things that they can actually use in their own bedrooms??

People are. But it's rather boring just to watch stuff you do youself anyway, isn't it? Why not strive for something kinky and taboo. Bare in mind, male sexuality IS taboo nowadays. Men using their power to coerce women into sex is highly frowned upon, which is the subtext of quite a lot of pornography. Every man would love dominate and demand sex from every attractive women around him, like a tribal leader of old. Porn is fantasy for them.

[Moni306]

ocularone - you obviously have a partner that is there for you and is willing to do what it takes to please you, and you do the same for her. That's great. A lot of people don't have that type of open and honest relationship, which is a shame. A lot of relationships have walls built up over time, limits are set, lines drawn in the sand. And we just go about our lives lying to ourselves that it's normal, that we need to accept it, that we need to take care of ourselves because we don't have a true sexual partner. Some have higher sex drives than their partner and need a release. If they bothered the lower drive partner with the need for more sex it would cause more problems.

But any person that has a willing partner, willing to do whatever they want and need (within reason) to make them sexually happy, that uses porn instead, has an addiction or problems with intimacy. That's what is not acceptable.

I am a perfect example of a woman who is always willing and never says no and will do anything...but my man still chooses to use porn and masturbate up to at least 3 times per week...our sex life suffers from it as he does say it lowers his desire. I could have sex everyday if he was up for it and he knows this!! So how does he compensate for me...he buys me sex toys! To me they are empty orgasms to not have my husband there to touch me and love on me. He doesn't get what I say and say it isn't a problem. We have even gone so far as being members at porn sites and I have even done movies and posted pics because he thought it would be erotic. Now he doesn't even look at my movies or pics anymore or even tell me I'm sexy or hot or that I even turn him on. The scary part is I like to hear other people comment on my photos and videos because I at least I know I can turn someone on...lol He is the one who wanted to start this so he comes in our account just to check on me to make sure I'm not chatting it up with someone(I would not do that..to me is a form of cheating). So a man can have it all in a woman and want porn instead...so I do not get it? Ocularone...your woman is VERY lucky and wish I cold have that in a man!!