[Guest]

Its just two different things - why they have to be lumped in together is not beyond my comprehension but is frustrating

What is frustrating are the women who want their boyfriends/husbands to give up porn, but somehow seem to think that it is ok to keep the sex toys in their closet.

[Millania]

lowprofile-I know what u mean, I am trying so hard not to walk out on 10years bc of his porn use
trying everyday of my life to understand he just loves porn and uses it as his quick release but I cant lie and say that its easy because its not
I cant tell him to stop-he wont-I have told him to stop a thousand times, I have cried to him, he thinks i am being silly and that its "not a big dea" and most men watch porn
(sorry guys I know I have said all this before-just letting lowprofile know)
so if I can just accept it and not be bothered by it I would feel much happier
Wildchild I agree in a sense-I think porn is a symptom of other things(boredom, depression, horniness of course)
My husband is bored, depressed, not working, gained weight himself, I am not around at all during the day(during the time he is most horny-in the AM)
so maybe he feels "inadequate" to please me-he would NEVER admit this to me! he is a very macho type of guy who would never say: yes I feel I am not pleasing you
after 10 years I definitley know that much(that he would never admit that he feels inadequate)but I am starting to REALLY believe that maybe this is why he turns to porn
I get this idea from reading everyones responses to my threads etc

[lowprofile]

biggest mistake!!!!!!!!

to MIllania!!!

but I am starting to REALLY believe that maybe this is why he turns to porn I get this idea from reading everyones responses to my threads etc

do not make any decision about very important thing of your life from these threads....
these are only to way out little ...to talk with other or share in healthy meaning.......otherwise some remarks are senseless, some are exagerating and some may be not true (fantasies: who knows)....

one of my friends claim that some threads are run by man in woman' name ???

so just see positive side....

I still insist that watching porn is no good reason to quit your relationship....but do not quit to tell him that it is hurting you and do not encourage him to see...

[newhere808]

I said the subject is porn in a relationship not dildos in a relationship. Its a seperate issue. I don't disagree that both can cause insecurities in some partners, especially where they don't get as much action as the outlet of choice-- but they are entirely different issues.

Why would two things that are used as 'filler' to sexual interaction with your partner that can both cause similar feelings of insecurity and inadequacy be regarded as different issues? The only difference I see is that one bothers a woman and one bothers a man (from a typical point of view).

Women more stimulated by touch than visually may prefer a dildo when their so isn't touching them.

Men more stimulated by visuals prefering porn can feel to a woman like she is insufficient visually.

Either way, if the SO isn't available they are two avenues of personal pleasure. Would it matter less to you if the male in the equation used a sex toy shaped like a set of lips or a vagina? (they are out there lol).

When she is able to bring her man to orgasm, with no problems and he still chooses porn visuals over her visuals it feels pretty bad.

If a man is bringing his woman to orgasm and she still chooses a dildo instead of his penis, surely it can feel bad.

This to me is the only thing that I will agree whole heartedly is a justifiable problem. If a man/woman is choosing alternate means when their partner is ready, willing, and waiting, then yes something is very wrong with said man/woman, but that isn't the case with all men that view porn or women that pleasure themselves, yet offense is still taken regardless.

Visual stimulation however is everywhere when a guy leaves the house... A dildo is put away in a dresser. So I feel like the insecurity of your guy wanting to be stimulated by girls -- they are real btw, photoshopped or not they are looking at girls they see in stores and at work.

Most guys in relationships are not watching porn because of a want to be stimulated by other women, this is the big mistake that so many women keep making when they are offended by men viewing porn. If you take offense to your guys oogling another woman while pleasuring himself then so be it, but don't jump to the conclusion that men are doing it cause they would rather be with those women.

Many guys use porn as a quick means to sexual satisfaction, because let's face it, even if most guys SO's are physically available few of them are willing to engage in quick fullfillment at the drop of the hat, and fewer still like being treated that way by their guy, like quick fullfillment. Put yourself in the guys shoes for a sec, what's easier or SAFER? Watch porn for a few minutes and fire off some knuckle children, or request that your SO bring herself over to you and give you some quick head or whatever? Very rarely will you get a positive response from the latter.

Men don't have to wonder when their chick leaves the house if she's bumping into dildos on the street she prefers to him.

Its just two different things - why they have to be lumped in together is not beyond my comprehension but is frustrating

Lol, that visual is really hilarious Anyway, the actions may be different but the result to a man/womans partner are similar if not the same.

One thing that i'm curious on is that i've seen you advise women on other boards to view porn, and even porn of an abstract/high fantasy nature to try and help them get excited about sex. In the context of that thread, I typically agree with you, but why is porn ok in this setting?

I do feel that there are legit reasons for a woman to be hurt by her SO watching porn, but hand in hand with that I do feel that there are some reasons that are very unjustified, and come off as nothing more than a baseless assumption. Same goes with men, I think it foolish for a man to be offended that his SO may use a vibe when he's not around, now if she is using a dildo that is notably larger than him, and enjoying it more often than she enjoys him, then he has every reason to be hurt by it, and react as such.

[Hopeless Dork]

One thing that i'm curious on is that i've seen you advise women on other boards to view porn, and even porn of an abstract/high fantasy nature to try and help them get excited about sex. In the context of that thread, I typically agree with you, but why is porn ok in this setting?

My problem with porn is not the porn itself. Its how the porn is used that gets my underbritches in a twist. When its used as a REPLACEMENT for intimacy that can be had by a willing, and waiting, and sexually frustrated partner, I absolutely can't stand it. When its used between couples to stimulate ideas, to share in something naughty, to awake a desire in a single person, or a person that has no sexual feelings... I don't see a thing wrong with porn.

When you have a guy that is fully able to get aroused by his chick, and she wants sex with him and he chooses to go off into fantasy land with porn, I've gotten upset at the porn. But the true problem is the guy that is too selfish to think about his So's needs and goes in for the quick fix of masturbation more times than a shared experience with someone that is initiating and craving it with them.

From a logistical point... a guy chosing to masturbate, with his hand, hunched over his keyboard when he has a partner in bed waiting to please him... is a sad, sad, sad, image.

Thats never been the situation in my relationship, my heart couldn't take it, nor could I respect that type of guy... but I've read womens stories right here that state exactly that.

With me, it was more of my boyfriend being sleepy and yawning a few days a week which was FINE with me, til I realized he was sleepy and yawny on the days he chose to watch porn in the day before I made it over. Funny how when there was no porn, he was never too tired to want me to touch him.

It did make me bitter against porn, where I use to be so open to it, so unbothered by it. I am still unbothered by it to a degree but in a relationship where one partner wants more sex than the other partner, the partner wanting less sex using porn is really a smack in the face of their commitment to making the other one happy.

I am not anti porn- I am anti porn in a relationship where it consumes the sex drive of the least driven person in the relationship.

I am not anti dildo- (hi aunty dildo!) but I am anti dildo in a relationship where a women that rarely wants sex with her partner keeps active company with her robot weener.

[rcoreyus]

I think that is the key. I don't see any problem with porn that is used as a sex aid (rather like a vibrator), when someone's SO is not around. I do see a problem with using porn (or a vibrator) INSTEAD of having sex with an available SO.

There are so many men and women on these boards who's SOs refuse to have sex with them. They turn to porn or vibrators because they are given no choice (other than live completely celebate).

My problem with porn is not the porn itself. Its how the porn is used that gets my underbritches in a twist. When its used as a REPLACEMENT for intimacy that can be had by a willing, and waiting, and sexually frustrated partner, I absolutely can't stand it. When its used between couples to stimulate ideas, to share in something naughty, to awake a desire in a single person, or a person that has no sexual feelings... I don't see a thing wrong with porn.
.

[Hopeless Dork]

Now that, is something I completely have no problem with personally. If my boyfriend wanted sex and I didn't want to have it and he chose to go after the porn I would be extremely okay with that. I can't imagine not wanting sex with him, lol, but I've told him often that if he wants porn AFTER we have been intimate... have at it if he's got the energy... but I don't want to be the one getting the leftovers from the porn, it should be the other way around in a healthy relationship.

[newhere808]

My problem with porn is not the porn itself. Its how the porn is used that gets my underbritches in a twist. When its used as a REPLACEMENT for intimacy that can be had by a willing, and waiting, and sexually frustrated partner, I absolutely can't stand it. When its used between couples to stimulate ideas, to share in something naughty, to awake a desire in a single person, or a person that has no sexual feelings... I don't see a thing wrong with porn.

When you have a guy that is fully able to get aroused by his chick, and she wants sex with him and he chooses to go off into fantasy land with porn, I've gotten upset at the porn. But the true problem is the guy that is too selfish to think about his So's needs and goes in for the quick fix of masturbation more times than a shared experience with someone that is initiating and craving it with them.

I agree 100%, used as a replacement for intimacy porn is a problem, and you hit the nail right on the head about the selfish pleasure part of it, cause if they would rather do that than be intimate with their SO then selfish is the only way to describe it.

My gripe is this attitude that if a guy watches a porn at all, regardless of situation or setting, he is guilty of some sort of betrayal (not saying that's your attitude, but it's a pretty consitent battle cry on this thread).

From a logistical point... a guy chosing to masturbate, with his hand, hunched over his keyboard when he has a partner in bed waiting to please him... is a sad, sad, sad, image.

Thats never been the situation in my relationship, my heart couldn't take it, nor could I respect that type of guy... but I've read womens stories right here that state exactly that.

Again, I totally agree, but I would like to ask all men and women here to seriously think about how often that really happens. There is no way to know for sure, but I have a hard time believing that most guys, if given the oppourtunity at any given moment, would rather use a hand then be with the real thing.

The distinction to me however, is what if the partner is not available/willing at the time, is he still wrong? Example, man is a full-time student taking online classes at home, his live-in girlfriend works 60 hours a week. Both have a high sex drive, both are very sexual active with eachother. Now, say man is horny, for whatever reason, and his girlfriend (who is usually horny on arrival) isn't due home for another 3 hours, so he flips on some porn, takes care of himself, and now relaxed get's back to his school work. GF comes home, turned on, want's some pleasure, he's ready to go again by this time, and happily does so. Now in this scenario, is this man still at some kind of fault in your eyes?

With me, it was more of my boyfriend being sleepy and yawning a few days a week which was FINE with me, til I realized he was sleepy and yawny on the days he chose to watch porn in the day before I made it over. Funny how when there was no porn, he was never too tired to want me to touch him.

It did make me bitter against porn, where I use to be so open to it, so unbothered by it. I am still unbothered by it to a degree but in a relationship where one partner wants more sex than the other partner, the partner wanting less sex using porn is really a smack in the face of their commitment to making the other one happy.

I cannot blame anyone for feeling hurt in that setting, as again, porn is in some way detrimental to the relationship, resulting in hurt feelings. However as you've written it it wasn't simply that porn=bad, it was that the results of him spending to much time with it hurt the relationship, and being upset about something like that makes all the sense in the world to me, and I could see why porn would be an easy association with hurt and frustration.

But a person just automatically getting upset over porn, even though their partner pleasing them at every oppourtunity and doesn't let it consume them, I think that is a little childish.

I am not anti porn- I am anti porn in a relationship where it consumes the sex drive of the least driven person in the relationship.

I am not anti dildo- (hi aunty dildo!) but I am anti dildo in a relationship where a women that rarely wants sex with her partner keeps active company with her robot weener.

And this is why I enjoy debating with you, cause i've come to see you as a reasonable person, and some of the people here need to understand that their personal nitpick with porn isn't always as able an offense as they may treat it.

P.S. LMAO aunty dildo

[stressed]

There is no way to know for sure, but I have a hard time believing that most guys, if given the oppourtunity at any given moment, would rather use a hand then be with the real thing.

Some do, over insecurities, fear of performance, or other reasons.

The distinction to me however, is what if the partner is not available/willing at the time, is he still wrong?

Again, it depends. Let's say you live with your SO and you have sex once a week, even if you want more. You have to go away for a week and you find that your SO has been watching porn every day during your absence. Wouldn't you think that something is wrong in this case?

[rcoreyus]

Maybe that really is the big disagreement here. Are there people who object to their SO watching porn if they have already been turned down for sex? Are there people who think that it is OK to watch porn rather than have sex with your SO when they want it?

To me, your SO should always be your first choice for sex. If your SO doesn't want sex, then I think porn, masturbation, toys are an acceptable alternative.

Now that, is something I completely have no problem with personally. If my boyfriend wanted sex and I didn't want to have it and he chose to go after the porn I would be extremely okay with that. I can't imagine not wanting sex with him, lol, but I've told him often that if he wants porn AFTER we have been intimate... have at it if he's got the energy... but I don't want to be the one getting the leftovers from the porn, it should be the other way around in a healthy relationship.